Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez


“Psst. Man boy. Face front.”

“I did not dress like a naked lady in the snow for you to sit there looking all pinchy. Behave or you cannot have el coche tomorrow to go buy high-tops at the mall with your friends and I will not give you money for the Sbarro. SI, YOU HEARD YO.

“Ahem. HOLA LOVERS.

“We are here at the Golden Globes to promote my new movie, which is called, I don’t even know, Suck It Aerowitch, I Make Movies And You Make Weird Faces. But we are also here at the Golden Globes because La Lopez does not miss a chance to make her ex-novios cry into their free dinner rolls. First Puck Daddy or whatever shows up, and then Ben Whofleck directed the movie about Arco gas stations just so he can be invited to the same party as yo. Is Cris Judd coming? Wait, is Meat Boy here secretly Cris Judd? Lovers, shh, but no recuerdo what Cris Judd looks like. Psst, also, after I pretend to arrest Diddycombs by the bar, we are going to walk up to Snackfleck and say the word “Oscar” over and over again until he throws himself at my feet and tells me that Jennifer Blahner is like a nap on legs and that he misses the Lopez Coaster and wants a ticket to Wonderland. And then I will laugh and laugh and step on his beard and say, “You had your chance with my block, Baffleck,” and then when I leave he will find my phone number in his mustache and we will make a canoe out of Snoozifer and then shout, “ARGO ROW YOURSELF,” and then prank call Matthew Damon. Or, I will punch him on my way to el baño and spit in his back hair. Decisions, lovers.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Comments (73):

  1. wildviolette
    0

    It was sweet to see that she took her little brother to the Golden Globes. Too bad he only had his waiter uniform to wear.
    Oh….wait….

  2. Rebecca
    0

    I actually don’t hate this…I mean it’s La Lopez, she can’t show up in a boring black dress. I also love her hair color and may need to try and re-create it.

    But her nobody boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to put on a tie? Really?

    • Heather
      0

      I just feel like I’ve already seen it. To the Oscars last year she also wore white over nude.

    • mshesterp
      0

      Rebecca, I’m fully on board with this. I mean–J.Lo. JLO. These are the things she wears! I think it’s figure flattering and eye catching and actually less tacky than I think it should be, if that makes sense. Like, if you were describing it, I’m imagining a horror show. But on her? I’m getting behind it. It’s totally GFY vote-worthy!

      Her BF does look like a Cater Waiter, so there’s that…

    • Megan
      0

      “But her nobody boyfriend couldn’t be bothered to put on a tie? Really?”

      Agreed, and that makes me so angry. Seriously, who IS he?!? I know it’s “just” the Globes, but it looks so tacky to not at least wear a tie.

  3. LoriK
    0

    Has she had work done recently? I swear she hardly looks like herself from the neck up. If she wasn’t dressed like a naked lady in the snow and dragging the man child I would have had trouble recognizing her in that 3rd pic.

  4. Jules
    0

    Her body is amazing, no doubt. But this just reeks of desperation.

    • mshesterp
      0

      The slits up to the hips on Halle Berry and The Widow Longoria (with legs out, of course) were more desperate to me. This just seemed like…typical J. Lo.

      • Jules
        0

        I agree those were desperate too. Halle was the worst.

        • la di da
          0

          Totally agree about Halle. When I first saw her I actually said aloud “oh calm down, Halle Berry”

  5. Annie S.
    0

    For me, it’s not so much that it’s naked. (I mean, we expect naked from Hola Lover.) But it’s BAD naked. That lining is pure flesh-toned figure-skating tights, especially where it hits the floor.

    Also, she looks like Kim Kardashian with that heavy eyeshadow and nude lip. Her eyelids look like they’re reaching for the stars.

    • Art Eclectic
      0

      Hey, at least she WORE lining and it went all the way to the floor. I mark that as a win.

  6. alicakes
    0

    Whoa, Jenny. So angry! Is it the adrenaline leftover from wrestling Lea Michele for that dress?

    • Helen
      0

      Right? What’s with the bitchface?

      I actually kinda feel bad for her, seeing that, and I don’t even like her. Younger men can be a royal pain. BTDT.

      But, y’know, in front of the camera… at least try to fake it. None of your exes is going to be thinking, Damn, I’m so sorry I missed out on this, when you look so miserable.

  7. Stefanie
    0

    If this was on anyone other than Jenny from the Block I would hate it. But I sorta dig it on her.

  8. filmcricket
    0

    Was anyone else surprised by Adele towering over her on stage? I mean, at least part of that was Adele’s hair, but I seriously doubt the new mum was wearing taller stilettos than La Lopez. I guess though that it’s not so much that I thought Jenny was tall as I thought Adele was shorter than that.

    Anyway, nude dress, she looks great but it’s so predictable, blah, blah, blah. I will never not look forward to these posts, though.

    • Chasmosaur
      0

      It looks like Adele has a good 4 1/2″ on JLo. So if she wore even a decent heel, she is still gonna be taller. Add in the hair, and it’s a slam dunk ;)

  9. jean
    0

    I wish she had worn something in blue. Aquamarine is pretty on her. This felt tired. Good hair though.

  10. Ruth
    0

    I think that the dress looks fairly cheaply made. The designer didn’t even attempt to cover up the seams running down her sides, thus ruining the illusion of nudity. Seriously, look at the top picture. It’s awful.

  11. Danna
    0

    Vegas stripper wedding dress.

  12. Lynne
    0

    This post just made my whole damn morning. As for the dress, I agree with Heather. Seen it. Bored now.

    Does anyone else really miss Cher?

  13. Dazie
    0

    Stand.
    Up.
    Straight.

    Sheesh. If I LOOKED like JLo, I certainly would be putting it all out there too, but WOMAN. Stand up straight!

  14. Rayna
    0

    Naked lady in the snow – ROTFLMAO!

  15. Sarah
    0

    Pros: her makeup is spot on. She can wipe up any messes with her doily dress.

    Cons: She looks like she took her teenage kid/stepkid to the show. He looks uncomfortable standing like that, like he needs to assert his place with the wide stance. She looks like she is trying SOOOO hard to be noticed.

    Overall, I don’t hate…I just pity her. She needs to show up like a mom of twin kids and a grown up. She is pretty, I am not knocking her looks. But she doesn’t need to try so hard to make a name for herself.

    • Tiffany
      0

      I thought her make up was really too heavy, especially the highlight and contour shading. In the shots at the show of her at her table, you could see the contouring sooooo vividly. Too much make-up, she is naturally pretty.

  16. Peggy L.
    0

    At least the dress is lined to the floor.

    A tiny part of me thinks JLo figures she knows what works and isn’t going for shock anymore. Maybe she doesn’t need all the headlines,all the time. Then I laugh.

  17. amys
    0

    Yes, thank you for the full-length lining. I’m not a fan of her makeup though. No money for SBARRO would definitely suck so I hope the boyfriend straightened up and flew right.

  18. Sarah
    0

    Casper makes me think of that episode of GG when Dan is a cater waiter and doesn’t want to tell people and everyone is like “Dan, why are you dressed like a cater waiter?” even though that’s the way Dan always dresses!

    J-Lo is looking very J-Lo in this dress…ps. Am I the only one who was frustrated that the camera didn’t pan to J-Lo when J-Gar was on stage?

  19. Jessica
    0

    I will note that she and Tina Fey were funny together last night, canoodling.

  20. BrownEyedBetty
    0

    She looks bored out of her brain. “JLo’s painful breakup” will be the People/US cover story soon, methinks.

    Also, her makeup artist did something weird around her nose ..it looks like it’s disappearing and/or sinking into her face. I saw a super close-up of her face on another site this morning and she’s got a lot of artificial shiny stuff going on around her temples, forehead, etc. Very odd, I thought.

    Naked Lady in the Snow. Yeah, pretty much.

  21. Bella
    0

    Seen this before, I believe. And does her face look different???

  22. Leslie
    0

    She has had more of her nose bobbed.

  23. Eirwen
    0

    Vegas bridal with bonus waiter accessory. And has she had her eyes tweaked? They look slanty!

  24. Cat
    0

    Oh JLo, never change. She looks gorgeous, but this kind of feels like everything we see from her– skin tight, sexy, yadda yadda yadda.

  25. Kate
    0

    This is classic J.Lo and I kind of think she looks amazing. If she didn’t wear something like this, it would be like running into Charo and not getting to hear her say “Cuchi cuchi!”

  26. Mara
    0

    In the battle of the Jennifers, Garner wins hands-down. This is just tired and that little boy is… not very cute.

  27. Deborah
    0

    That’s a rather aggressive stance, little man. Next time you get to go out with the grown-ups, put on a tie and quit posing like your balls are bigger than churchbells.

  28. Holly
    0

    I hated this. It’s too…. Quinceanera at the Ice Capades. Stop being nude.

  29. Pouncer
    0

    Wretchedly bad. Ugh. I think only her New Year’s Eve spangly bodysuit was uglier.

  30. Sarah
    0

    Looks like what a wedding dress in a nudist colony may look like. Not a fan of her style.

  31. Sandra
    0

    Did Marc suck all the blood out of that dress? Ick. And sonny-boy’s getting SUCH a telling-off in the limo after.

  32. tigers4us
    0

    Thank you, Heather! As the “voice” of JLo, you always crack me up. JLo’s costume is, well, JLo. However, I am surprised that she couldn’t get ManBoy to wear a decent tux or at least a tie.

  33. Kathrina
    0

    When my 3 year old saw La Lopez in this she said… Mommy! That lady has a lot of stamps on her! To which I replied, well no, honey, that’s her dress.

    She then looked up, rolled her eyes, and said matter-of-factly: Mommy… That’s NOT a dress. That’s just silly.”

    Indeed dear girl.

    • Melinda
      +1

      Hee! I think “that’s NOT a dress; that’s just silly” should become the official motto of GFY.

  34. annabelle
    0

    No one with this many accomplishments should look so desperate.

    Right, Eva?

  35. Diane
    0

    Is it just me, or do they look like they hate each other?

  36. Muffy
    0

    wait, isn’t this the same dress that post-baby beyonce wore to the met gala, only in white?

    hated it on bey, hated it on j lo. it’s just so *desperate*.

  37. witjunkie
    0

    I will say they did an excellent job of matching the liner to her skin. Or, as my husband suggested, her skin to the liner.

  38. TonyG
    0

    I love the dress.

    And Heather, this is one of your most clever J. Lo posts. The portmanteaus are so damned clever, and “Argo row yourself” had me in stitches.

  39. SerialGoth
    0

    I was howling with laughter reading this. Hilarious. Seriously, this dress seems like a pathetic cry for attention, and nothing more. Word on the street is that she was also wearing her latest fragrance with it, “J Lo’s Glow Of Desperation”, and that it doesn’t smell very pretty.

  40. 7Kellx
    0

    This dress is Zuhair Murad, who is one of my favorite designers right now…and I was really disappointed in it. It works on JLo, but really, if not on JLo how would thi swore for anyone?

    I felt sad for her though and I think the desperation of trying to make your ex who is happily married and winning golden globeS turn his head to care about you made her wear this. I mean, she is JLo…but even JLo has to feel kind of dumpy about dating a water boy while plugging another bad movie. Meanwhile you’re ex is married and at the too of his game.

    So for that surely depressing reality for her coming to head I think she looks pretty decent. I’d be crying in the bathroom and/or drunk on the floor.

  41. Talis
    0

    Jennifer nailed it, Perfection from head to toe. “I love the dress and her body looks fab. Not bad for someone who deigns to dress herself like mere mortals do!

  42. mauxxo
    0

    The dress is fine, she just looks ridiculous w/ that kid next to her. I’m betting Affleck (and Diddy) felt nothing but pity for her.

    • jean
      0

      She needs to date an adult. It’s a bit like Clooney and his too young girls. Liam Neeson is single, no?

      • Noire
        0

        Oh don’t wish that on Liam Neeson. The poor man has been through enough!

  43. Sajorina
    0

    I love “Hola Lovers” so much!!! JLo está en la onda! That outfit is what I’ve come to expect from Jennifer Lopez… Sexy & Snoozefest! I miss the days when she used to surprise us with a Versace leotard with a see through sarong over it on the Red Carpet! Lately, it’s all sparkly whatnots over nude all the time! I miss you, Jenny from el bloque! I mean, she is ridiculously beautiful and her body is bangin’, but she needs to mix it up! I’m also bored by her makeup! Her hair looks very nice and so shiny! What I love is her clutch, awesome rings and menacing nails… So badass!

    • Tiffany
      0

      “Lately, it’s all sparkly whatnots over nude all the time!”–I agree. She has become boring!

  44. googler
    0

    As much as I detest the lace over sheer trend, this might be my favorite execution of it. I want to hate it, but for some reason I feel it works on her. Maybe I’m just so thrilled to finally see a lining that goes to the floor.

  45. Edith
    0

    I have read a lot of slams on the Lopez/Casper relationship, but none that were funnier, harsher, or more spot-on than “Behave or you cannot have el coche tomorrow to go buy high-tops at the mall with your friends and I will not give you money for the Sbarro.” DAMN. So perfect.

  46. Andrew S.
    0

    it’s like the pretty version of Beyonce’s mossy Met Ball mess so I am on board

  47. Ashley
    0

    ARGO ROW THE BOAT ASHORE, HALLELUJAH!

  48. Joe
    0

    I cut over during the middle of the presentation, before J.Lo had said anything, and I literally could not tell who it was. My very first thought was “‘Why is Drea de Mateo (sp) presenting at the Golden Globes, and she looks great!” Did not recognize as being J. Lo.

  49. Tiffany
    0

    I think this is horrible. I think the dress is ugly, and it seems as if she chose it just because of how much it reveals. The nude is too panty-hose ish. I reminds me of skater wear. She does the semi-naked over and over and over, I think that is why I dislike this so much. To me, this isn’t sexy, it is kind of pathetic. If I hadn’t seen 1001 versions of this on her, I might like it more. I also thought the make up was way over done. The highlight on the center of her nose was like a silver coin!

  50. Sharon
    0

    I wish I could look that Fugged-up just once in my life.
    Pleeeeeeze, God? PLEEEEEEEZE???????

  51. Neofashionista
    0

    I have read you blog for a few years now and love it Fug Girls but I have logged on for the first time ever now to say that NO body and I mean NO body does JLO like you do Jlo thanks for all the laughs

  52. e
    0

    why are her nails like crazy cat claws?