I’m sure this dress is fine. I’m sure it’s great, actually, and I’m thrilled Annette Bening won for The Kids Are All Right. I’m also happy that the kids are, in fact, all right. You know how I worry.

But it kind of kills your fashion momentum when you leave the house wearing an arachnid on your head, last spotted hanging from the curtain rod in my bedroom. I guess my plumbing system carried it all the way to her place. Those are some serious pipes.

And in case you’re wondering whether I was correct in saying, “[T]he only certainty with Annette Bening is that she will wear Warren Beatty in her foreground,” well…

Hey there, War. What, are you allergic to the sideline?