“ARE YOU THERE AMERICA? IT’S ME, KANYE.”
“I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT FATE. I BELIEVE IT IS GREAT, LIKE MY STUBBLY PATE, BECAUSE IT LED ME TO MY MATE AND I EXPECT YOU TO CONGRATULATE. SEE, YOU MIGHT NOT THINK ME AND KIM KARDASHIAN HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, BUT LOOK, WE BOTH WEAR ANIMAL PRINT STUFF THAT HAS FUZZ AND ZIPPERS ON IT. AND WE BOTH ROCK THE TWITTER. WE KNOW HOW TO DELIVER ‘CAUSE WE BRING THE FUNK LIKE PACEY WITTER. SHE’S GOT TWICE MY FOLLOWERS, BUT I’M NOT BITTER (BESIDES, I’LL GIT ‘ER, ‘CAUSE I’M NO QUITTER). SHE IS CHRISSY AND I’M JOHN RITTER, THE HOTTIE OF THE LITTER AND THE HEAVY-GENIUS HITTER. THAT OTHER THREE’S COMPANY LADY CAN BE OUR BABYSITTER WHEN WE ADD MINI-KANYASHIANS TO OUR LITTER. I LIKE CORN FRITTERS. I ALSO LIKE WINDBREAKERS THAT LOOK LIKE LAS VEGAS. I’LL BE ROY AND KIM’S MY SIEGFRIED.
SHIT, EXCEPT NOTHING RHYMES WITH SIEGFRIED SO I’M’A CALL HER FISCHBACHER BECAUSE THEN I CAN RAP ABOUT ORVILLE REDENBACHER AND THAT BRINGS US TO POPCORN WHICH IS MY FOOD PORN ALL PUFFY AND SALTY AND WARM AND WITH A DAMN DELICIOUS CURVY FORM AND DRENCHED WITH BUTTER LIKE AN EAR OF CORN, AND THEN WE’RE BACK AT CORN FRITTERS, MAN. THEY ARE THE BOMB. SEE YOU AT THE WEDDING.”
[PHOTO: GETTY]
