Fugstin Bieber

Here’s the thing: Is it THAT bad?

I mean, he looks kind of dumb, but is it that much dumber than usual? His pants stayed up, and the crotch fabric didn’t appear to be getting frisky with his kneecaps. His leather shirt is at least… ventilated in a sporty-themed way. And the hat… yeah, that’s a pretty ugly Miami Heat hat, and presumably he bought it, or at the very least agreed to wear it in place of a more standard one. Can’t defend that. Especially because there is no way he is a lifelong, wear-it-at-any-cost Miami Heat fan. He is more of a Free Tickets To Fancy Things fan, judging by his concurrent sudden and be-hatted interest in the L.A. Kings’ game seven clash against the Sharks last week.

But I think this is actually not the worst thing he’s worn lately, and the reason he’s catching so much flack for it is this: Nothing Justin Bieber can do makes him look any less ridiculous. He’s in permatwerp mode. And moaning about getting no artistic respect — everyone knows the first rule of PR is to show grace and good humor and engage in a little self-deprecation in the face of the boo birds. I am not sure how to fix this; it might not be a fixable problem, short of taking himself to an adventure yurt in deepest Siberia for six months and returning with a clean fashion slate, totally new hair, and no trucker hats that make his forehead look half a foot long. Or, to borrow from Parks & Rec: Rethink. Yo. Self.

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]

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Comments (48):

  1. Beth C.

    His hat looks like one of those horseback riding helmets that’s supposed to look like a “regular” hat but because of the protective stuff inside just looks like a comically too large “regular” hat. That is not really a look many people aspire to. Unless he has some kind of inner ear thing or something going on, in which case, carry on.

  2.  HelenBackAgain

    Who was that hat made for, Robbie Coltrane?

  3. Jasmine

    “Permatwerp mode” actually sums him up perfectly right now. What a little twerp. I used to be so proud of our little Canadian treasure, and then he got all douchey and now I just weep and wish he were like Justin Timberlake. Fingers crossed that’s how he ends up, but in the meantime… RETHINK. YO. SELF.

    •  HelenBackAgain

      Justin Timberlake is kind of a douche, too, though. I mean, not in THIS league, but he does have a history of making digs at people, especially women, and playing victim.

      • Jasmine

        Oh of course, but he also follows up his douchiness by releasing wicked music and acting in stuff that doesn’t come off as douchey at all. I just feel like he did the whole transition really well, and wish some other youngsters would look to him more.

        • GFY Heather

          I think what helps JT is that he knew how to mature his sound in the right way. People respected him as an artist because they felt like he had savvy and intellect.

  4. Tiffany

    I think he was getting a lot of flack because that hat is so dang big! It is like babies in large sunglasses, comical! I also think the head-to-toe black leather didn’t do him any favors.

  5. Sandra

    This kid is just a marketing campaign. He has no real talent and will fade away when he’s too old to sell to tween girls. He shares a manager with Carly Rae Jepsen, so they’ll milk it as long as they can with the infantilization. I predict a Lohan/Bynes trajectory for him.

  6. Lynne

    I wanted to just chalk it up to predictable immaturity that can occur when everything you could possibly want gets brought to you on a platinum damn tray. But enough now. Biebs, find some humility or just shut it. Keep thinking about Bill Hader’s Howard Stern appearance when he outlined the difference between Timberlake and Bieber. Bieber had a massive entourage handing him a slice of pizza, a drink, basically doing everything for him. Timberlake showed up with no one. Take notes, Bieb. You’ll never get past teen idol stage if you don’t learn from the ones who survived it.

    Also, hat: stupid.

    • Lola

      On the entourage note, E! news pointed out that diaper-pants-boy had a huge bodyguard behind him (at this game) and an armed guard in front of him, while a few seats over, David Beckham was all by himself, chatting with strangers, etc. The Biebs needs to get over himself in a huge way.

  7. Jamie

    It’s fixable. I have the solution right here:

    1. Start showing up on time to places including, but not limited to, YOUR JOB.
    2. Start dressing in something that passes as a respectful manner the next time you’re invited to meet state leaders and or foreign dignitaries.
    3. Stop acting like ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE IS HARD.
    4. On that note, try doing something nice for people whose lives actually are difficult. Pick a charity, something non-offensive and without obvious political or religious ties, and start showing up for them, not just writing checks. Like, once a month. Seriously, find TWELVE DAYS A YEAR where the sole purpose of your existence is not instant gratification.
    5. SLOW. THE. EFF. DOWN. in your supremely douchey car. Or better yet, just get rid of it. For reasons that completely escape me, you probably don’t actually need it to get laid, anyway.

    • Goldfish

      Wouldn’t tossing him in Gitmo accomplish most of the fine guidelines you’ve laid down here?

    • Alicia

      He also needs to donate some money to animal welfare after that disgraceful display with his capuchin. Just because he’s someone else’s performing monkey doesn’t mean he can mistreat animals.

    • Lynnlynn

      Just allllllllllll of what you just said. ALL. OF. IT.

    • Scanderoon

      Regarding your point #3: it’s interesting, because of course he’s had a remarkably well-furnished life, but I can see how being the subject of so much obsesssion and having no semblance of normalcy must be hard for him. Now, I’m not saying he should complain – quite the contrary. He needs to get it through his skull that decent human beings who want to be successful in the public eye do not complain about their gold-plated lives, even if parts of them do suck.

      But I’m pretty sure he has nobody to tell him that honestly.

  8. Anita

    There isn’t another person alive at the moment who makes me want to slap them up the back of the head more than him.

    • Laura E.

      So true. He is the walking definition of douche.

    • Lynnlynn

      Yes. And then just when he turns around to see who slapped him in the head, a swift kick to the balls and a little wink would complete the job.

  9. Aubrey

    Hold the phone. Is that a Darth Vadar tattoo on that boys arm?


  10. TaraMisu

    Take off the sunglasses. And that hat is beyond ridiculous.

    • Goldfish

      And what’s worse, those are Prada sunglasses. My sister has that exact model, with the little rhinestones. Women’s Prada glasses. I know what statement my sister was making. JB? I’m not sure at all.

      I’m happy for my gene pool to say, though, that my sister not only doesn’t have that hat, but she would knock it off the head of a passing stranger on the street.

      • Celeste

        Yes–he’s the George Costanza of the music world–”pardon me, Ma-am?”

  11. kay

    yes, he looks that bad. He could wear like normal clothes

  12. Chris P

    As a hater who still hasn’t forgiven Lebron for The Decision (so I sort of wanted him to take his talents to Madison Square Garden instead of South Beach, but it was mostly because THAT MESS TOOK FOREVER AND I WAS SICK OF IT BY THE END), ANY Miami Heat hat is the fugliest Miami Heat hat ever.

    (You know it’s true. Even if you’re from Miami.)

    Anyway, hate about the Heat aside, yeah, that’s pretty much it. I think another part of it is that the guy is admittedly kind of androgynous-looking and tragically trying to overcompensate for it by attempting to be as macho as hell. Seriously, kid, yes, I know half of the Internet jokes about you secretly being a lesbian (hell, there’s an entire Tumblr dedicated to lesbians who look like you that may have gotten me hooked on Tumblr in the first place), but I think 99.9% of us actually know you’re a dude.

    More than anything, the kid reeks of insecurity. And I mean, I get it, he’s 18, and when I was 18 I was a hot mess myself. But he seriously needs to stop for a little while.

  13. Lizzy

    Hubby and I have an idea: Sequester Island for celebrity rehabilitation. Overexposed, delusional celebrities like Britney and Bieber would go there for, say, 3-6 months where they would be totally cut off from the rest of the world. They could spend time learning how to live a normal life (no entourages, no choreographed paparazzi trips to Starbucks, etc.). Basically, get off the crazy ferris wheel of their lives. The rest of would be getting a break, too, maybe even starting to miss them (OK, that’s a stretch), but at least it would remove the sick fascination with watching someone implode. Everybody wins!

  14. TonyG

    Regarding Justin Timberlake compared to The Biebs…

    Not an excuse, but I think JT’s rise to fame was a bit easier because he did it in the context of being in a group with 4 other guys going through the same experience.

    Biebs is basically doing it alone in music in terms of the pressure being solely on him. His experience would be more akin to Michael Jackson or LeAnn Rimes or if we go way back, Judy Garland (I am so not saying he compares to either of these as an artist). None of those stories ended well, or, in the case of Rimes, are going well.

    There have been solo child singing stars who successfully negotiated this road. Stevie Wonder comes to mind. But it seems rare to me.

    I think the road to crazy-ville and drugs is almost inevitable unless he has very strong parents/parental figures who have no agenda other than his welfare. Hope he has someone like that in his life. Douchiness notwithstanding, I am hoping he finds his way.

    • Orange Clouds

      Yup, considering his age I think people are really hard on him. So he is an adult now but how many of you would have turned out well if you would have had the same rise to fame happening to you at a young age? I hope he has an epiphany and turns his ways around but using a 19-year-old as an internet punching ball seems just mean to me.

      • Celeste

        Sorry, I don’t think that is an excuse; there are enough examples of kids who have become wildly famous without falling headlong into douchery (look at the Harry Potter kids, for example). And I think it would be irresponsible NOT to call him out on it. He obviously has a kernel of assness that would have emerged at some point no matter what his trajectory in life turned out to be.

        • TonyG

          I agree there is an assness factor with Bieber. Not sure how much would have been there otherwise. I think that’s difficult to divine, especially in an industry where false bravado is currency. This kid’s gotta learn when to turn that stuff off.

          That’s why I believe parents and managers are so very important. Also, I would put the Harry Potter actors also in a category of going through the same experience together as a unit, for almost all of their childhood. It’s much more difficult for a solo act of Bieber’s magnitude. Despite their success, the Potter actors just don’t move the World’s mega star Richter scale as much as Bieber.

          I just believe there is tons more pressure on solo singing acts in an industry — music — that is known for their contractual and financial abuse of its adult stars. In music today, it’s all about being on the road and performing, nearly constantly, to make your name and your money. No matter the material amenities, it’s a grind.

          Obviously, he chose this life for himself, so the responsibility for change lies with him, but at 19 he still needs solid direction and I hope he finds it. I do believe he is talented and I hope he survives the business in tact.

  15. LouisaFinnell

    Unfortunately, it makes him look like a small boy who is wearing his dorky father’s hat. I don’t think there is much he can do about it. He’s the next generation of Britney Spears–a heavily sexualized adolescent who is also supposedly a virgin, or who sold himself as one until it got ridiculous. I do NOT get what people see in him because he kind of depresses me.

  16. Jules

    I’m scared.

  17. Jules

    I couldn’t resist:
    “Mamas, don’t let your biebers grow up to be…”
    Miami Heat Truckers?

  18. Wade

    Please ignore this idiot forever.

  19. bholden

    Here! Here! Permatwerp mode, love it. He needs to become a grownup now. Good luck on that.

  20. Erin

    I think you could compare him and his fame to that of Britney. Yes, she started on the Mickey Mouse show where she had a support group of other child stars (this didn’t last long tough, as MMC was cancelled during her stint on it), but fast forward several years to her solo career.

    In her solo career she was uber popular, she was EVERYWHERE, and she was probably given anything she asked for. Yes, she turned into the Britney we saw melt down in 2007, but that was after all sorts of personal issues – two failed marriages (one only being about a day long), the birth of two children, and various other things that cause significant stress in a “normal” person’s life, and all that was in addition to being in a constant spotlight. BUT, early in her career, even if you weren’t a fan of hers, you weren’t constantly rolling your eyes any time she appeared somewhere or thinking “What the hell is she wearing?” (ok, that happened occasionally, but not every time you saw her). She still seemed like a normal, grateful kid who was amazed by her stardom and truly seemed thankful to all her fans.

    Justin, on the other hand, puts on an air of entitlement. I honestly get the feeling that he really thinks he deserves all the things he gets for free and that he deserves all the respect in the world because he got so successful at such a young age. The problem is that he doesn’t seem to realize that in order to get the respect he’s seen other artists get, he has to give his fans his respect. He needs to turn down the doucheometer, learn a little humility, and try to show true gratitude for all that he’s been given because of his talents and his fans.

  21. LindaG

    So sick of this egotistic little squirt.

  22. derpshooter

    I can never see him in a stiff baseball cap without thinking it’s a cloche from the 20s for just second. There was a yellow cap recently that really really really looked like a cloche, he even had it angled perfectly. I find imagining he does wear cloches all the time makes me less irritated by him.

    •  HelenBackAgain

      I love this as a method of coping with the unwanted sightings and I think I will adopt it.

      We can start The Cloche Club!

  23. Sandra

    Oh how fashion change! When I was his age-which, granted, was long before he was born–I showed up at an event wearing a brand-new cap with a brim just as stiff as that. A friend of my brother’s took pity on a young person who had no more sense than to appear in public in such extreme dork mode. He took the thing off my head and rolled the brim in his hands for several minutes before returning it to me with a proper curve in it. Junior here obviously is suffering from a lack of older, more mature, concerned friends in his life.

  24. Talley Lach

    You described exactly how I felt when I saw this all over my fB feed earlier this week. Compared to most of what he wears, this approaches normal.

  25. Carol

    He’s wearing little onyx earrings. Matchy matchy, Dweeber!

  26. wordphreak

    Yes. It IS that bad.

  27. Rach

    Be-hatted! Ahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahha(etc, ad infinitum). Thank you for that, it has made my week. I’m glad at least one worthwhile thing has come from The Bieb.

  28. Kristin

    I’m reading this post almost a week late and am horrified to see that the picture of very young
    Johnny Depp from your 50th birthday post slightly resembles Bieber, especially in the mouth.


    Why is EVERYBODY on the Biebs case? He’s a doll!!