Fugs and Fabs: The NFL Draft


I didn’t get to see the NFL Draft this year (usually I watch the whole thing — for real — because I am insane), so I had to document the outfits of the top 10 picks (and then notable others) by relying on whatever photo scraps I could find. And in a way, it was more pleasant. I didn’t have to sit through the INTERMINABLE wait between when the pick came in and when ESPN allowed the commissioner to come out and read it, to a chorus of boos, even though ESPN had already scooped itself by showing video of a dude in the green room on the phone crying and being handed a team hat. It’s like sitting through intermission, only to have the lead actor walk out right before the second act curtain and be like, “Are y’all ready for my big DEATH SCENE in twenty minutes? IT’S COMING!”

Listen, ESPN and the NFL, if you want the draft to be theater — and you act like you do — then give in and fully MAKE IT THEATER. Don’t half-ass it with boneheaded analysis that’s just repeating everything people have been discussing on talk radio for the past three months. Do the pick order by lottery, announced ten minutes before the draft. HirenSutton Foster and Matthew Broderick and Neil Patrick Harris to do song-and-dance numbers about the holes in each team’s roster (their ditty “O Holy Offensive Line” will be so moving). Give everyone two minutes to make their picks or their trades. Ban sensible shoes and matching color patterns. Hire Don Cherry from Hockey Night In Canada to do all the commentary, even — no, especially — if he has no idea what he’s saying. Sue anyone who Twitter scoops you. And then make Jennifer Lopez come out and announce all the picks in a different outfit themed by each team’s colors. There. DONE. I’m watching. You’re welcome.

[Photos: Getty]

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Comments (48):

  1. Other Emily
    0

    I love the draft! So much manfug to discuss. Also, Trent Richardson really is a delightful conversationalist. I could just eat him up, he’s so smart and dapper.

    Oh, and YOUR Steelers? More like mine. Although, as a Minnesotan, I do have Vikings love even though I’m not sure they’ll ever win the Superbowl ever in my lifetime.

    • Annie
      0

      I was really pulling for the Browns to land Justin Blackmon, but Trent Richardson totally endeared himself to me.

      ALSO: Cleveland is primarily the team where highly-touted quarterbacks’ careers go to die. We’ve done alright with our defensive draftees.

  2. Lisa
    0

    whoa whoa whoa! you know you’re going to get some backlash when talking about sports teams so as a Jacksonvillian and proud Jags fan, just wanted to let you know that the Jags’ defense was actually ranked 6th in the NFL last season…while offense sadly yes was in last, therefore making Blackmon an excellent decision….hopefully. As for his attire, black and teal def seems more his color in any light setting!

  3. TheReset
    0

    As a lifelong Fins fan, I just have to say…. Hey! Look at that! FIVE YEARS after we need a first round QB, here we are! At least he’s easy on the eyes.

    And to Lisa up there, sweetie. Your Jags are doing so bad that they tarp off seats of the stadium just so they won’t black out the games on TV. It’s gonna be a rough year for you guys (said the dolphins fan).

    • Lisa
      0

      Just getting some facts straight about our defense is all. Not too sure what the seats have to do with our draft pic. Any true fan stands behind their team through the good and the bad and as a Dolphins fan you of all people should know that.

  4. Juanitatres
    0

    Thank you for this! I’m a serious football fan, but the draft is so tedious I had to find some way to entertain myself. So I spent the entire evening providing delightful commentary on the fashion hits and misses of the draftees and their entourages. My husband was not amused.

  5. Rosa
    0

    I LOVE that you intelligently discuss sports, mixed in with your fug and fashion. You make me so happy. But please, I’m a Dolphins fan and an A&M alumnus….please don’t doom Tannehill to the fate of so many, many before him. They can’t all be the next Dan Marino, but maybe someone could come close. Maybe? Possibly? Please? No pressure kid. Relax and enjoy your time in Miami.

  6. bdaiss
    0

    Oh Heather. I love you for this. If you can make your version of the draft I will watch it ALL WEEKEND LONG. Because no, this is not theater. It’s just ridiculousness. (Note: The draft is on my tv all weekend long already. My husband will drink in every ridiculous minute of it. I watch the first round, then prefer to just catch the summary via the web. I’ve got better things to do with my weekend.)

    Okay, now I’m off to the slideshow.

  7. Lindsey
    0

    Yay yay yay! I love the draft, both from football and fashion standpoints. I’m still riding the RG3 to Washington high, because my team now has HOPE! Hopefully we will not screw this up.

    As someone who currently lives in Seattle, it’s also pretty fun to listen to the giant collective “WTF?!” from the local sports commentators over the decision to draft Bruce Irvin.

    I totally understand the Jags need to draft Blackmon, but somebody should have given him some better advice on how to handle disappointment better. He was trying hard, but it was all over his face that he wasn’t going where he thought he would.

    • Lindsey
      0

      Also, I can’t help but feel badly for Brandon Weeden now that he’s off to the Browns. After hearing what Colt McCoy went through, that team sounds like a disaster. Hopefully, at 29 and with some pro baseball experience under his belt (albeit with baseball), he’ll be better equipped to handle it.

      Heather, I will gossip about the SEC with you anytime.

      • Annie
        0

        The Browns are a disaster, and have been since Modell moved the franchise to Baltimore, especially for quarterbacks. However, chances are Weeden will get to start in his first season [the Browns are allegedly shopping McCoy], and his size and maturity will put him in a much better position to succeed than the rookie QBs who preceded him.

      • Other Emily
        0

        Oh, and as a Longhorn alum, I am not happy about how the Browns have treated Colt. Poor guy. I hope they do shop him and he lands somewhere happier. Even though I’ve heard through the Longhorn grapevine that he’s a d-bag… Don’t care. Still bleeds burnt orange.

      • Lindsey
        0

        Other Emily, I’m actually married to a die hard Oklahoma alum and fan who usually has no love for Texas and its QBs. Even he thinks what happened to Colt was crappy and hopes he ends up somewhere better for him. When you have hardcore NFL vets and OU alums who look at the situation and say “wow, that s*** is messed up”, you know that something is seriously beyond the pale.

  8. Frances
    0

    Don Cherry definitely adds theatre (Canadian spelling cause that’s how it’s done here, kids!) to every occasion.

  9. Megan
    0

    I don’t care for football, but this was one of the funniest posts I’ve read here. Intelligent sports discussion mixed with fashion sense = pure WIN! I’m still giggling about the bucked teeth comment.

  10. cycler
    0

    RE: Big and Tall Stores- did you see the story on this in the NY Times? More and more those suits are custom made to vast dimensions.

    My husband is tall but not big, and after a heartbreaking search for suits that fit him vertically but didn’t have enough girth for both of us to fit in them, some kind lady directed us to a store that caters specifically to professional athletes. It was in a very odd location, but inside was a shrine to sports memorabilia with signed photos from every major boston pro athlete from the last 40 years. They sell suit separates, so you can buy a 44XXL jacket and matching 35″ waist pants, instead of being stuck with the 44″ pants and trying to take 9 inches out, which is a challenging tailoring project! They also have giant dress shoes, and ties made extra long so that they look right on an extra tall chest. I know the high rollers all get their stuff custom made, but it was interesting to see this behind the scenes element of the sports world.

  11. Shiitake
    0

    Considering how big their necks are, no one looked like they were being throttled by their collars. The shirt sleeve to jacket sleeve ratio was within limits. Many of them looked delicious and dapper.

  12. Samina
    0

    I was thinking similar thoughts last night at the bar while I ate a BLT: Why do I have to endure Andrew Luck scrunching up his face ten times in a row while on the phone with the Colts? We know where he is going. Can’t we just skip like the first three picks barring some crazy trades or other way out left field picks? Why can’t Goodell stay at the podium and like do some jokes or something I hate watching him walk so many times?

    • Lindsey
      0

      I would love to see the Roger Goodell comedy hour in between picks. Anything to distract me from Mel Kiper’s helmet hair.

      • Sylvia
        0

        I loathe Mel Kiper. I know he’s the “draft messiah” but, I can’t.

  13. Lindsey
    0

    Did anybody hear the news about Mohamed Sanu? Apparently he’d gotten a call that he was going to the Bengals at #27, and his agent even tweeted it. Then it turned out to be one big prank call and Cincy turned around and picked somebody else. That’s just crappy. I hope he goes somewhere and does the team proud.

  14. Michelle
    0

    Look up Trent Richardson and prom. Look it up right now. Your heart will weep. Long story short – Alabama high schooler had cancer, recovered, but had gained some weight, and no one wanted to take her to prom. No one that is except Trent efffing Richardson. Watch the video on ESPN. The part where he asks her dad for permission to take his daughter to the prom? THERE IS NOT ENOUGH KLEENEX IN THE WORLD.

    • scone
      0

      Oh my god, that Trent Richardson story caught me off guard one Saturday morning on SportsCenter, and before I knew it, I was totally crying. I’ll be his fan for life.

      Also, RGIII!!! I adore him. Nothing will ever beat his Superman socks that came with their own capes, but he was looking good.

    • Jamie
      0

      He is amazing. I keep repeating to myself: “I am too old (and married) for Trent Richardson….I am too old (and married) for Trent Richardson….” But droooooooool, not just because he’s handsome and dapper, not because Roll Tide Roll, but because all that AND a personality? Weak. in. the. knees.

    • Coleen
      0

      Oh my GOD that is so wonderful. Trent Richardson is my favorite NFL rookie right now (Even though I love the name Fletcher).

  15. Jane
    0

    Oh yet another reason to love GFY! NFL smack talk & fashion takedowns all in one pretty slide show. Can we lobby ESPN to have you all at the next draft? Because clearly the fashion sense of these athletes has a direct correlation to how well they are going to perform in the pros. (and is def. as valid as all of the nonsense we currently have to sit through between picks).
    And can I just say Andrew Luck’s look = boring? I mean I know you are low key, but you have had months and months to pick out this suit. I mean for fashion reasons alone, I can see why RGIII won the Heisman.

    • Rachel57
      0

      How effing awesome would it be for them to have fashion critics — with sizeable football IQs — do commentary for the draft. Please, ESPN, please, I beg you.

      I love RG3. I have a giant soft spot on my heart for big, rugged athletes who openly love and respect their parents. And he’s so damn smart!

  16. Eliza Bennett
    0

    RG3 is a pure crazysocked delight. Bravo, Fug Girls, for this–and restoring my estrogen levels. I listened to the draft all last night while reading my newest copy of Car And Driver and drooling over the 2013 Viper. I had to go put on some sparkly shoes to balance all the manliness.

  17. Rebecca
    0

    I love the Fug Girls even more for this! And go Notre Dame!

  18. yeahandalso
    0

    basketball players have more reliably cracked out menswear but there were some nice and funny looks here.

    Am I the only one who always think young athletes never look young? Some of these dudes were born in the 90′s but I think most look about 30.

  19. theotherjennifer
    0

    Heather, I just love that there are other women on this planet who relish the draft and all its fugtastic glory.

    Sorry, we have to kick your Steelers’ butts this year!

    Go PATS!

  20. Dorine
    0

    Somehow I never knew (or failed to remember) that Heather is a member of Steeler nation, but that just explains even more why I love this site so much.

  21. orlando seo consultant
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    Woah this weblog is excellent i love studying your articles. Stay up the good work! You realize, a lot of people are searching around for this information, you can aid them greatly.

  22. Kat
    0

    Just a note on Claiborne… it was a shirt, and not only was it a shirt, it was a short with patches of red and blue checks. Maybe he was just hedging his bets?

  23. Cyn
    0

    I do not care for football and find the draft insufferable, so your proposed changes made me cackle with glee.

  24. HockeyFan
    0

    As much as I enjoyed this….it would be even better if this was the NHL Draft. Please? Jun 22 and 23. It would the best ever.

  25. vandalfan
    0

    And not a F#*k was given that day.

  26. Kristan
    0

    “So, Dre, have fun chasing Mike Wallace around while Mendenhall runs it up the middle three times and then we punt. Sigh.”

    Rofl. At least you know what to expect?

    Bills and Texans fan here, and I’m so glad to see so many women into football and the draft! Thanks for doing your part to make it cool, Fug Girls!

  27. TonyG
    0

    I’ll take one Trent Richardson, one Luke Kuechly, and one Stephen Gilmore — each au naturale — to go, please!

  28. Sylvia
    0

    OMG, Heather. Fashion bloggers, football fan and Steelers fan. Where have you been all my life. And we need to SIGN Mike Wallace first. I hate the way we refuse to pay people. It makes me itch. And Redman is better than Mendenhall. He just isn’t panning out. Upside, we just got an amazing O-Line if it stays healthy. Downside, we seem to believe we don’t need cornerbacks. I do not understand this.

    I always watch the first day of the draft, to see who wins and loses. I don’t know about Luck’s charisma. Then again, I don’t think I thought Peyton Manning would be funny when he first entered the NFL. And yes, I enjoyed Trent Richardson, even though he plays for the Browns. I think he’ll be fine. And surprisingly, I think Tanehill has a lot of upside, he just needs time.

    Also, purple popsicle shirts are a win. It’s like an homage to The Purple One. Shirts vs. Blouses, always and forever.

  29. Chasmosaur
    0

    I know it’s not the draft, but I would like to point out that when Deion Sanders joined the ‘Skins, he went for the FULL Ronald McDonald. But being Deion, he somehow made it work. RGIII should give him a call.

    http://assets.espn.go.com/i/magazine/new/deion_sanders_thinking.jpg

  30. Erin
    0

    I cannot express my glee in seeing the draft covered. Does this mean that we might get a FUG recap of the Sunday NFL telecasts in the fall? Because Deion and Shannon Sharpe wear some wackado large panel checks and suits that are of colors not found in nature…

  31. Bucky
    0

    I’m late to this, but I’m glad I finally stopped by the post. Thank you for honoring my dear, dear Peyton Manning in the first slide. Luck seems like a good kid, and he cleans up nice, but the Irsay family can go … do things that involve swear words.

  32. Ladyblahblah
    0

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for showing me that there are other women out there who love both fashion and sports. Also, cut RG3 a break – if you had to live in Waco, TX for years you’d be running around in wackadoo outfits expressing your glee at getting the hell out of there (I grew up in East TX and it’s SCARY).

  33. sjb33
    0

    Please, please, please do this for the NBA Draft!!!!

  34. Nimble
    0

    Brilliant.

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