I didn’t get to see the NFL Draft this year (usually I watch the whole thing — for real — because I am insane), so I had to document the outfits of the top 10 picks (and then notable others) by relying on whatever photo scraps I could find. And in a way, it was more pleasant. I didn’t have to sit through the INTERMINABLE wait between when the pick came in and when ESPN allowed the commissioner to come out and read it, to a chorus of boos, even though ESPN had already scooped itself by showing video of a dude in the green room on the phone crying and being handed a team hat. It’s like sitting through intermission, only to have the lead actor walk out right before the second act curtain and be like, “Are y’all ready for my big DEATH SCENE in twenty minutes? IT’S COMING!”
Listen, ESPN and the NFL, if you want the draft to be theater — and you act like you do — then give in and fully MAKE IT THEATER. Don’t half-ass it with boneheaded analysis that’s just repeating everything people have been discussing on talk radio for the past three months. Do the pick order by lottery, announced ten minutes before the draft. HirenSutton Foster and Matthew Broderick and Neil Patrick Harris to do song-and-dance numbers about the holes in each team’s roster (their ditty “O Holy Offensive Line” will be so moving). Give everyone two minutes to make their picks or their trades. Ban sensible shoes and matching color patterns. Hire Don Cherry from Hockey Night In Canada to do all the commentary, even — no, especially — if he has no idea what he’s saying. Sue anyone who Twitter scoops you. And then make Jennifer Lopez come out and announce all the picks in a different outfit themed by each team’s colors. There. DONE. I’m watching. You’re welcome.