Fugs and Fabs: Portions of the Miss Universe Pageant


So, I’ve never watched Miss Universe, and now I regret that tremendously. Because there’s a whole costume portion that’s basically like if synchronized swimming had a formalwear element, and also, no synchronization. But you feel me. These are just the highlights; if I’d used every majesty, we’d be clicking through all day.

[Photos: WENN]

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Comments (92):

  1. steph527
    0

    I almost watched last night….now I wish I would have. This is fantastically crazzzzzy. Love it

  2. Rayna
    0

    Crazeballs.

    Miss St. Lucia is the spiritual child of Carmen Miranda.

    And somewhere, a flock of peacocks are running around bare bottomed.

  3. Katty McNiley Ripley
    0

    WTF happened to pageants? I blame Gaga, Rihanna & Victoria Secret Shows !

  4. patricia
    0

    OMG, the only thing that makes these costumes better are your captions Fug Girls….I pretty much peed my peacock feathered thong!

  5. Dazie
    0

    Oh Miss UK. I’m so, so sorry. But hey- at least it wasn’t a Stella McCartney design.

    OR WAS IT??!

  6. MelissaW
    0

    I missed the Parade of Nations/costume parade at the top of the show and was so disappointed. It’s the only part that I ever watch.

    So thanks for the recap!! :)

  7. Nancy
    0

    Miss Honduras DID have a wardrobe malfunction. Thank goodness for her bikini water!

  8. Julie
    0

    Thank you for this crazy post. Who knew? But the girls are all very pretty.

  9. jen
    0

    So whenever I see the country names Bolivia and/or Peru I get the song Lake Titicaca stuck in my head.

    Lake Titicaca, oh Lake Titicaca
    It’s between Bolivia and Peru
    Lake Titicaca, oh Lake Titicaca
    With waters tranquil and blue.
    Oh Lake Titicaca, yes Lake Titicaca
    Why do we sing of its fame?
    Lake Titicaca, yes Lake Titicaca
    ‘Cause we really like saying its name!
    Titicaca!

    The “titi” part seems especially fitting here.

    • Kris
      0

      I was singing that while we unwrapped Christmas presents this morning! You are my soul sister!

      • Jules
        0

        Ah, you maniacs…

        Anyway, this was the trippiest, awseomest post ever!
        Please always post the Miss Universe contests.

  10. Lizzy
    0

    Wow, some of those costumes are tiny! I bet Miss Puerto Rico’s bikini for the swimsuit portion of the program had more coverage than her costume.
    I loved the Miss Bahamas pirate, though (what, no parrot?).

  11. shannon
    0

    For those interested, I believe Miss Australia’s majestic white pleated getup was meant to be sartorially representative of the Sydney Opera House.

    I know.

    • AmyK
      0

      I think it’s “Sydney Opera House meets a cockatoo”

    • Jessica
      0

      I actually thought that when I saw her picture. I don’t want to know what that says about me.

  12. krissybell76
    0

    Miss Tanzania looks like a modern art installation.

    • TereLiz
      0

      Of the crazier ones, she might just be my favorite.

      • Anita
        0

        I absolutely love it. I have no idea how it relates to Tanzania, but I don’t care. This goes in my “art meets fashion” file along with Lucy Liu’s metal Emmy dress and Evan Rachel Wood’s peacock dress.

  13. Peony
    0

    There is another picture of the wonderful Miss Bahamas here in her pirate outfit.

    It takes a LOT of pizzazz to carry off a long brown overcoat in a beauty competition.

    http://blog.zap2it.com/pop2it/2012/12/miss-universe-2012-who-knew-lady-liberty-could-be-so-sexy.html

  14. Caroline
    0

    With the lack of commitment the UK shows in these things, I don’t know why they even enter. I’ve seen more glamorous getups in Sainsbury’s.

  15. Sandra
    0

    Where even to start?!? This is all very Trump-like. Shiny and gaudy and tacky as hell. As for Miss Czech Republic, there are many worse themes to embody than a nice cold pilsner. But I am concerned she’s wearing knee-high nylons. There has to be some explanation for those lines across her legs.

    • Vandalfan
      0

      I saw that, too. It seems to be reflections off the stage floor. My eye was drawn down by all the horrid hoof-shoes, and the delightfully tickly-looking feathered shin guard contraptions.

      But I wonder who failed to send the memo to Norway and the Czechs?

  16. TonyG
    0

    Loved, loved, loved this slideshow. I was going to comment that Miss Tanzania’s country must have had a very low budget compared to the other nations, but then I saw Great Britain’s outfit, which was, perhaps, an ode to British (and European?) austerity. Just awful.

    • Chasmosaur
      0

      Maybe they had Stella design again. Vivienne Westwood would have made something cramazing.

  17. Sandra
    0

    Also, Royal Ascot is June 18-22. Kate will be just about to give birth, giving birth, or just have given birth. Surely a girl can miss the hat parade in those circumstances.

    • Maddy
      0

      Never, QEII wouldn’t have it. They’ll simply have to design a mini-headress for little Killiam III

  18. hdew
    0

    As soon as I saw the post’s title on my feed I knew my Peruvian compatriot would show up in this slide show!
    If there’s something that my country knows how to do is ridiculously over the top misrepresentation of our Incan ancestors.

  19. pidget
    0

    I’m Canadian, and my little daughter said “Where’s Miss Candida?” and I snorted so loud that she fell off my lap…

    • SKS
      0

      HAHA :D

      Also, I really disliked Miss Canada’s outfit. :(

    • Elizabeth in SF
      0

      LMAO! Please give your daughter a gold star from me for being so observant and…uhm…health-conscious.

      • Helen
        0

        Indeed. A good many of them look like Miss Candida in these outfits! :-D

        Moments That Make You Wish Someone Were Just Randomly There With A Videocam…

    • Maddy
      0

      DYING!!!! My co-worker has no idea how much work I’m not doing right now, but this made it so worth the distraction :D *Cue inappropriate laughter for dead quiet room

  20. Chasmosaur
    0

    Thank your for the Miss Curacao caption. Absolutely made my snowed-in day.

  21. Helen
    0

    Oh my gosh. Hee. The girls are lovely, and these costumes are HYSTERICAL.

    Did RuPaul design them? Please, please tell me he was at least in attendance!

  22. Nancy
    0

    O.M.G. Thank you so very much Heather for such an awesome Christmas gift! These were almost as good as the Eurovision fugfests.

    BTW, I am a little worried for all the naked cold male peacocks in Panama right now, they are truly noble creatures to make the supreme sacrifice for their country.

  23. Al
    0

    Honestly, if there is no 3-foot-tall headpiece, it’s like they are not even trying.

  24. Squirrel!
    0

    Miss Guatemala’s groin looks as though it’s been blurred out by the censors.

  25. Cathy
    +1

    Scepters are in this year.

  26. anna s.
    0

    Who wants to bet that Lady Gaga was watching and taking notes for next year’s Grammy outfit?

  27. MegoPachego
    0

    Thought: can some of these designers PLEASE design the outfits for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics? Trying to imagine male variations is hilarious!

    • Elizabeth from SF
      0

      And with that I heard Edna Mode from The Incredibles in my head. “NO CAPES! But possibly more feathers.”

  28. Stefanie
    0

    I had no idea there was a costume portion! These are insane…in the best possible way.

  29. Edith
    0

    I love the thinking behind Miss USA.
    “All the tropical nations will have feathers and headdresses; what have we got?”
    “Fireworks?”
    “FIREWORKS!”
    “And the Statue of Liberty”
    “No, no, much too covered up…”
    “What if we gave her see-through flag pallazo pants, and draped the toga top down under one boob? Then it would be like Lady Liberty, the flag, and a sexy sexxxy naked statue!”
    “Like Justice?”
    “JUSTICE!!!!”

    Also, the Union Jack is not slimming. I can’t help feeling that Miss UK’s real costume (a union jack bikini with wings that depicted the 6 wives of Henry VIII when fully extended) got lost in transit, but she was lucky enough to run into a member of her country’s Olympic luge team right before the event and borrow his unitard. YIKES.

    • Kat
      0

      I love everything about your comment. It’s resplendent.

    • Elizabeth from SF
      0

      Now I can’t get it out of my head that this is actually a walk of shame outfit after a stellar one night stand with a member the luge team.

      Suddenly, I *really* love this “outfit”.

    • Chasmosaur
      0

      +1,000,000 That is a fabulous mental image on all counts.

  30. Patri
    +1

    Haha this is amazing, thank you so much for introducing us to it :D I just searched for the rest of the pictures and I can’t believe you didn’t include our girl (Spain), she’s actually wearing an Ñ in her head. LOL.

  31. Patri
    0

    And Colombia has two parrots that I hope are stuffed and not dissecated. This is awesome.

  32. Claire
    0

    Where, may I ask, is China? She won best costume and was giving ming vase realness.

  33. Gigi
    0

    Carribean ladies for the win! But for the record, I do love the Norwegian girl’s bunad (traditional dress).

  34. Carol
    0

    I think all the representatives to the United Nations should be required to wear these national costumes, to every single meeting.

  35. holly
    0

    Oh, I forgot how hilarious Miss Universe can be. It is probably the best thing Donald Trump ever did. It is a Zoolander version of Miss America.

    These costumes are spectacular, silly, and a complete departure from practicality or function. I love them because they don’t pretend to be serious ‘art’ or anything else except an excuse for everybody to enjoy themselves.

  36. Andrew S.
    0

    aww – I’m sad you didn’t show Miss China! hers was gorgeous. I’m still SO MIFFED that Philippines was 2nd Runner Up to a woman wearing an awful bun & a dress made out of a Christmas Tree skirt. UGH

    • Stephanie
      0

      Seriously!!! I am all for supporting my country but why did we win?? Can not even believe we were in the top 2! Miss Philippians was far superior.
      Then again, if you combined the swimsuit portion with the costumes, it was like a Global Victoria’s Secret fashion show. So why would grace and poise win?

      • LibraryChick
        0

        I am thrilled someone else felt the same way about Miss Philippines, as I feel too biased as a Filipino-American to know if I was sad for the correct reasons. I wondered if it was because Miss Philippines had a mildly sheer skirt for the evening gown portion of the event. I also wondered if it was because there was a notable representation of Latino or Latina judges but none who appeared to be of Asian descent (though I realize I could be wrong in that assumption). I loved the answer to the language question, but I wonder if it cost her the pageant.

  37. Lena
    0

    St Pauli Girl beer will never stop to amuse me because to me (and probably every other German), her outfit looks very stereotypically bavarian or at least definitely belongs to southern Germany and St Pauli is… not in the south of Germany.

  38. shaylyn
    0

    What?? Australia is obviously a Sydney Opera House bird creature!!

    • Lizzie
      0

      I saw a cockatoo destroying a flower bed in Sydney’s Hyde Park last summer. Miss Australia’s ensemble was the interpretation of that amusing nugget. Love it to, er, pieces?

  39. Edith
    0

    Just noticed that Miss USA was wearing the most heeeedeous nude platforms I have seen this side of Khardashistan….

  40. margaret
    0

    As a friend posted on FB, “So Miss Universe is once again someone from Earth. It’s like the rest of the Universe isn’t even trying.”

  41. kathleen
    0

    It would appear that Great Britain used up all its pageantry between the Olympics and the Diamond Jubilee celebrations and had none left for poor Miss Universe.

    I really hope y’all do a post on the evening gowns!

  42. Willa W
    0

    Miss Denmark looks like she couldn’t decide between the beach and the library and Miss Norway and Miss Czech Rep obvs thought it was a competition judged by the Amish, not by Trump. Props go to Great Britian though for making me no-fashion-interest bf go: “But it doesn’t even fit. Her outfit makes no sense.”

  43. Martha
    0

    Actually, Miss Norway’s costume is a version of the Norwegian traditional costume, which is called a bunad. Every part of Norway has a different version, and this particular one is crazy heavy and elaborate. People used to collect the different bits of jewelry (most often silver) that goes on it, because there’s so much and it’s so expensive, and some bunads are actually different for married and unmarried women. I would say that this is the only one of these costumes that actually makes sense and isn’t all flashy sparkly random stuff.

  44. Gretchen
    0

    Wow, and our (New Zealand) media made a big deal about how our costume was all slutty, where Miss NZ was probably wearing one of the mos understated (and boring) costumes in the whole thing.

  45. tw
    0

    A really hardcore Ms Norway would dress as Yggdrasil or Freyja with her bling necklace, cat chariot, falcon cloak and bear.

    • Scouse Helen
      0

      That’s what I thought, although my ideas were based around thunderbolts and Beowulf. Come on Norway, where is your commitment?

      Also, the Czech costume should have incorporated a homage to ‘the singing ringing tree’.

      The European countries have simply not caught on to the concept of exploiting one’s heritage in a trashy way. Sort it out, Europe!

  46. moiraeknittoo
    0

    I don’t think I’ve thought the words “is that a pelvic shield?” so often in such a short span of time.

  47. Vandalfan
    0

    They must have given a prize to the tallest headdress.

  48. Kate
    0

    I may be the only one wondering this, but…Norway and Finland were both represented by women with very dark hair? I did a double-take at both of them.

    • LibraryChick
      0

      My Filipino cousin works in Norway right now. Fil-European marriages are becoming more common, as are many other multi-ethnic combinations. Just as there isn’t one way to appear American, there isn’t one way to be European or Scandinavian anymore, and I really enjoy that.

      • Maddy
        0

        Why so serious? Also, FilEuropean makes me think of Fallopian… I am henceforth calling your cousin’s bi-”national” babies Fallopians.

        • Lizzie
          0

          Mixing it up makes for beautiful and not boring (blond, blond, blond — aaargh). Yay Fallopian offspring!

  49. Art Eclectic
    0

    That’s enough costumes for the next 3 Katy Perry tours.

  50. Art Eclectic
    0

    I’m speculating that Ms. UK’s dress/costume/thingotard was a Stella M effort…..

  51. Chrissy
    0

    I used to watch it every year and that costume part was always hilarious!

  52. Mavis
    0

    I sent this link to a friend and she countered with Project RunGay’s take, which is a lovely companion piece to GFY:

    http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2012/12/miss-universe-national-costume-2012-part-1.html

    http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2011/09/miss-universe-2011-national-costumes-part-two.html

  53. Kris
    0

    This is cracktacular. I need to start watching this. Actually, can we have Miss Universe during Eurovision next year?

  54. Aurora
    0

    thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!!! for posting these pics and your comments!
    You do not disappoint!
    Totes needed cheering up today!

  55. Kristin
    0

    Thank you for a wonderfully entertaining bit of FUG girl humor :-)

  56. Shanti
    0

    Miss St. Lucia = The Chiquita Banana Girl!

    I actually kind of like Miss USA, except for the stars n’ stripes legs. The fireworks were a nice touch, and she had a really cute smile, which I think helped.

  57. Draadje
    0

    I’m from Aruba, and I don’t get that costume AT ALL. Was that supposed to be…. Sand? At least our sister island Curaçao put some effort in it. And color.

  58. jean
    0

    I love the sheer wackitude! This is what pageants are for! Total stagecraft and wonderful imaginations. This is so much better than bland evening gowns and matching bikinis. It gives the women personalities rather than just being pretty faces. You really must have character to walk out in those contraptions.

  59. Akit
    0

    What a laugh! Thank you. That post was a delight.