Fugs and Fabs of This Weekend’s Royal Adjacent Wedding


This is the so-called British society wedding of the year, the Melissa Percy And Thomas Van Straubenzee Wedding, where Harry was Torn Between Two Lovers, Feeling A Fool while Kate sat at home on the Chesterfield and ate a whole bag of Doritos while catching up on The Only Way Is Essex.

Honestly, though, I do love a Society Wedding, mostly thanks to years and years of reading books at which society weddings were interrupted by MURDER or the revelation of AN AFFAIR or they weren’t interrupted but were instead ruined when the bride’s true love — ASSUMED DEAD! — showed up at the reception at Whatever Castle ALIVE, having WALKED HOME from France! Or the like. They seem ripe for drama, at least in my imagination. Hello! (obviously) has the most breathless details, whereas The Daily Mail has informed me that the reception was at the bride’s ancestral home — her father is the Duke of Northumberland — which we’re all familiar with given that IT IS HOGWARTS.

[Photos: Getty, Splash]

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Comments (84):

  1. Carolina Girl
    +15

    It must be REALLY nice for your family to have so much money and influence that you can tell the heir to the British throne, “Thanks, but no thanks. Being an actual princess sounds like too much of a bother.”
    Speaking of princesses, I’ve read stuff (don’t know how true it is) that says that after William (to whom she denies nothing), Bea is QE2′s favorite grandchild. Even if it’s not true, that blue looks really good on her. To improve her posture perhaps Fergie should do the same thing to Bea that Alva Vanderbilt did to Consuelo before she married the Duke of Marlborough — namely make her sit for hours a day in a corset with a steel rod up the back to improve her posture. Sure, the marriage to the Duke ended in tears and recriminations, but Consuelo had a straight back.

    • DarkHarry85
      0

      d on her. To improve her posture perhaps Fergie should do the same thing to Bea that Alva Vanderbilt did to Consuelo before she married the Duke of Marlborough — namely make her sit for hours

  2. witjunkie
    0

    Harry looks more like he Can’t Wait. Tally-ho!

  3. Fifie
    0

    I read that Zara Phillips is QE2′s favourite grandchild after William.

    •  maryloubethune
      0

      I read that Ld Louise is since she looks like the queen as a child.

  4. Gigi
    +20

    Oh, Pippa, that peplum dress made out of pajama fabric is horrid. So are the antlers. You can do better.

    That is one ginormous tiara on the bride, and I like both the top of her dress and the skirt, but they seem to be from two different dresses that were sewn together to make a new one.

  5. Beth
    +27

    I read that I am QE2′s favorite grandchild after William.

    Kidding, kidding. Why isn’t Harry her second-favorite? I totally bet she just sighs and shakes her head and says “Oh, when will he ever learn?” when she hears about his latest escapade.

    And how much would that stink if you were in that family and could literally Google “[Name] + QE’s favorite grandchild”?

    • Stefanie
      +5

      No silly, I AM QE2′s favorite after William. :)

      • Sandra
        +4

        The York sisters reportedly spend a lot of time with their grandmother and Beatrice calls her “Supergran.” That doesn’t sound like a a tense or distant relationship at all. I’d bet Her Maj is a doting granny all around.

  6. D
    +10

    The little children dressed as Robin Hoods and wood nymphs looks ridiculous. It would be adorable for a Halloween party or some such thing, but it just seems too costumey and low-class for a high society wededing. Or any wedding, for that matter.

    • meg
      +55

      Also, it’s a crime against irony to dress up children as Robin Hood (steals from the rich, gives to the poor) at a lavish society wedding.

      •  HelenBackAgain
        +10

        Agreed on both counts, D and meg, yet… I found it charming. And the children look like they are having a blast.

  7.  ErinG
    +9

    Cressida looks as though she is either a little girl playing dress up, or got dressed in the dark… printed long dress, shiny/metallic pointy toed shoes, sequined jacket, AND a flower/fascinator?? eeek.

    also, this photo of pippa giving the lady in lilac dress robes the side eye is one of my favorite things ever. http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/06/22/article-2346423-1A741A56000005DC-372_470x786.jpg

    • scone
      0

      Also, am I wrong or does Cressida look like she’s wearing a CRAZY deep-V-necked dress? Like, there are shots of her where it looks like she doesn’t have a top on underneath that sequined jacket?

      •  maryloubethune
        0

        She doesn’t look like she is “quite the article” as Wodehouse would say.

  8. Stefanie
    +2

    Thoughts:

    MMMMM Harry.

    I sympathize with B on her terrible posture. I have the exact same problem.

    It just dawned on me how much ex royal Chelsea looks like trashy Chelsea from TLC’s (most underrated show ever (only half joking here)) Myrtle Manor.

    I like the bride’s tiara.

  9. Miranda
    +17

    The tiara, while very lovely, looks awkward and huge on her head. All I keep picturing is Prince John (the lion) sticking his ears out so the crown doesn’t fall over his face.

    • Kris
      +8

      Too late to be known as John the First,
      He’s sure to be known as John the worst
      A pox on that phony king of England!

      One of my most favorite Disney movies EVER.

      •  ErinG
        +7

        there should be a freaky fug friday of rewriting classic disney song moments to match fashion faux pas.

  10. Jen
    +1

    Thank you for making me realize I was slouching at my desk and sit up straighter. :)

    I love Pippa’s dress – fun pattern! Tara’s, too. Funfun.

  11. Jen
    +2

    PS — OMG, I clicked on that Tara/cocaine link, and the photo of her deviated septum is SCARY! I never really knew what that meant!

    • Goldfish
      +6

      Every time I see her “before” photos I am still in a state of disbelief. I mean, that’s a Scarface level of cocaine use.

      But how would a Royal intervention go, exactly?

      Best. Reality. Show. EVER.

      •  ErinG
        +12

        I would watch the hell out of that.

        or Royal Hoarders… with attics upon attics stuffed with old tiaras and feathers off of fascinators and press clippings about one’s events.

    • AmandaD
      0

      Deviated septums aren’t generally that extreme. Most commonly, it’s the inside of the nose where the cartilage is crooked and just looking at the outside of the nose you might not be able to tell.

      • Goldfish
        0

        Yeah, I’ve got a real deviated septum. You’re right in that that’s what it is. This chick, though…that’s just PR calling it that. She has some kind of nasal cocaine collapse. I think they called it “deviated septum” because it sounds better than calling what nasal cocaine collapse, the way that stars say they are having “dental work” when they’re going under the knife.

  12. Alameda Peg
    +1

    1. Tara T-P’s shoes are cute (maybe? I didn’t zoom in), but is the heel somehow sticking out to the side? Also, the beige hooves on the woman behind her are particularly ugly to me.
    2. Hot Harry is hot.
    3. I will watch the Errol Flynn Adventures of Robin Hood with you as many times as you like. Though I’ve seen it DOZENS of times already; I also watched it over and over as a kid. “Welcome to Sherwood, m’lady!”

  13. Jeanie
    +3

    Whoo hoo! Another Hot Harry Monday!!

  14. Trace
    +6

    There are some seriously hideous outfits there – the bridesmaids’ dresses are a horrible colour, and what’s with the lavender costume on the woman in photo 7?

    •  HelenBackAgain
      +2

      I think the bride was smart to put them in those awful dun-colored things. No chance of being upstaged there!

      Not that there would have been anyway, in that gown and tiara.

    • scone
      +11

      I found pictures to be totally baffling – it was everyone was attending a different event. (Bea, Eugenie, and Cressida all look like they’re at different levels of formalness, in particular. Weird.)

  15. Amanda
    +2

    I’m shocked that I was able to see past Harry’s hotness in picture one, but once I noticed that scary old man over his shoulder it is ALL I CAN SEE! Come back to me Harry!

  16. Goldfish
    +4

    BRB, I’m hopping over to Facebook to set up my fan page for Majestic Creature.

    What I most enjoy about Majestic Creature is that she has the demeanor of someone who truly believes they are blendng in.

  17. Liz985
    +3

    Are the Windsor boys prohibited from using Rogaine? Wills may not fool anybody once his pate is lush and full again, but I wouldn’t blame him, ya know?

    • Goldfish
      +28

      If Rogaine really worked, there would be a lot less sports cars purchased in this world.

      • Liz985
        +2

        Hmmm, maybe so. But there are other options, too, and lord knows this family has the coin to make it happen – as well as multiple houses in which to recuperate whilst laying low.

        • Imani
          +12

          Maybe he is just fine with the way he looks now? It’s possible…

        • Jessica
          +20

          Maybe they don’t care. They do have a lot of other things going for them,

          • Liz985
            +1

            True. But I still think he’s too young to be giving into the baldness.

            • Goldfish
              +5

              There’s nothing wrong with bald guys. Truly. I find is especially attractive when they own it. I think we all have to “give in” to our imperfections. I think that’s true for a crown prince as well as the cute balding guy with the rapier wit who works at my local Starbucks.

        • Eirwen
          0

          Agree- why didn’t Wills shave it off as the way it looks now is very aging or got some plugs before it went too far. Steve Carell is a good example.

          • Goldfish
            +7

            Should he shave it, get plugs, rogaine…the guy is losing his hair, and can’t do a damn thing about it. Why is it incumbent upon him to have cheesy plugs or wear a rug, or use chemicals he may not want to use and which probably won’t work? Why the hell does he have to please you with his hair loss, which is not a choice but a genetic hand-me-down.

            And now that I am thinking about it, isn’t this body shaming of the worst sort?

            Yes, the WORST sort. I’ll answer my own question. Good day.

  18. AmandaD
    +2

    Dear men, if women can condense everything essential into a miniscule clutch, you can find a way to leave the giant wallets at home.

    • Amber
      +5

      Perhaps the men are chivalrously carrying dodads for their ladyfriends, so that the ladies can only have the most important things in their clutch? Gallantly ruining their own trouser/pocket lines so the ladies maintain a streamlined silhouette.

      • azqueenie
        +17

        Ha. Usually, it”s, “Is there room in your purse for my wallet/keys/sunglasses/all of the above?”

        Although I admire your optimism. :)

      •  LibraryChick
        0

        I have had guy friends act as “designated pocket” for my ID and money before a night on the town. It is possibly an act of chivalry, though I have some doubts. Then again, my more endowed friends simply make discreet use of their bras for hiding ID, phone, and credit/debit card or small amount of cash, so I don’t see as much use of the designated pocket as I did a decade ago.

  19. jjdaddyo
    +9

    A) It occurs to me that the Royal Family (and adjacent) may be the only famous people in England without fake boobs.
    and
    B) Princess Eugenie sure seems in a hurry to dress middle-aged. Granted, it was a formal wedding, but still…

  20. Pouncer
    +8

    I am remembering the photo of Wills and Kate and Harry with magic wands, and giggling over the thought of WIlls and Harry accioing Kate to Hogwarts.

    The Robin Hood children are baffling.

    And the lady in lavendar is a treasure. She’s doubtless waiting for Dumbledore to appear and ask her to teach gardening now that Mrs. Sprout has retired.

  21. ceecee
    +9

    I was all set to cluck about the boring beige bridesmaids’ dresses but I guess if you are going to have a gaggle of children dressed as woodland creatures at your wedding, it behooves you to tone it down everywhere else.

  22. Liviania
    +5

    The children strike me more as Peter Pan than Robin Hood.

  23. kickassmomnyc
    +5

    There are some monumentally fugly outfits at this wedding but “a glamorous guest” takes the cake. Why would a young, attractive woman like that even consider wearing her 94-year-old dowager great-grandmother’s dress?

  24. cfmesq
    +1

    Thank you Jessica for loving Errol Flynn as Robin Hood. It was my mother’s favourite film when she was a girl, and my children also find it absolutely ripping. And while I agree with D and meg about the little robin hood outfits, anything that conjures up an image of Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland gets a thumbs up from me.

  25. Tessa
    +3

    Pippa IS wearing a bracelet – look closely at her right hand.

  26. Susannah
    +5

    “Eugenie seems unimpressed”. Doesn’t she always appear to be unimpressed? Bad posture or no, Bea is definitely the “fun one”!

  27. Julia
    +1

    One of the comments in the Mail snarked about how everyone looked as if everyone looked as if they were up all night “are there no hotels?”

    Well, no. Alwick village is about as far from metropolitan as you can get in England (Scotland has more remote places, but nothing south of the Tweed). Since it’s also owned by the Duke, there hasn’t been a lot of new tourist development there to accomodate the HP crowd. I stayed there a long time ago (well, 1987) in The Hotspur Inn, bits of which are as old as the tavern, but when we came back through twelve years later very little had changed and there were not a lot more hotel rooms then.

    Nifty place, and the castle has a wonderful collection of Carraveggios.

  28. Eli
    +13

    Pippa’s dress looks like a too-tight Rorshach test. For whatever reason I boo Cressida whatever and want Harry and Chelsy to get together. Maybe it is because as much as I like Kate, I like that Chelsy got a real job and wasn’t waiting for Harry to make her a princess.

  29.  Sarah
    0

    So is Kate forced not to appear in public anymore or is it her choice, anyone know?

    • Sandra
      +11

      Anybody who really knew the answer to that would never say so here. Friends Who Talk get banished from the brothers’ circle quickly. Kate doesn’t have any official appearances scheduled before the baby is due, but I’d be surprised if there was any official edict against appearing in public at all. She’s somewhere between 3 and 5 weeks away from having her first baby and I find the explanation that she was concerned about going into labor 300 miles from home entirely plausible.

      • Beth
        +5

        That’s where I am on it, Sandra. In her shoes, I wouldn’t want to be far from the hospital, either. I know the palace has all sorts of ways they can get her to a hospital nearby, if need be. But why take that risk? You can stay close to home instead and deliver with the team of doctors you likely already know.

      • Other Emily
        +1

        Also agree. I refused to go an hour away to my in-laws the last couple weeks for fear I’d end up having a baby in some crap rural hospital with a doctor I didn’t know. Unfounded, as it turned out, since the little minx was a week late. Nevermind — Duchess Kate can take all the time off she likes. I’ll be thrilled to see her and the Little Heir/ess as soon as they’re ready!

  30.  HelenBackAgain
    +3

    I rather love how Cressida so obviously Doesn’t Belong, yet seems to be having a genuinely wonderful time.

  31. jlf5
    +17

    This was just sad. None of the women looked anything close to decent. Clearly Harry has a type – Blond Hot Mess

    • Dazie
      +3

      This. A LOT.

      • fritanga
        +1

        Well, Cressida is an improvement over Chelsy (what an AWFUL down-market name). despite the latter’s banging body. Really, Davy (what an AWFUL down-market name II) looks like every other pudding-y British (I know she’s South African) girl out there – Billie Piper without the charm and pretty eyes. Blerg. A hot mess indeed, but Harry can (and will be prompted to) do better.

        • Sandra
          +2

          Down-market or not, surely she isn’t responsible for her name or its spelling. Davie, along with all its variant spellings, is an old, old Welsh surname. Been in the kingdom centuries longer than, say, Hanover or Mountbatten.

    • Tina
      +2

      Aw, I thought Chelsy looked lovely. She looked beautiful, and relaxed, and as hot as it is possible for a trainee solicitor at Allen & Overy to look (by which, I mean she has almost certainly had fewer than 6 hours sleep a night since she started her training contract).

  32. Daenerys
    +6

    Worst bridesmaids’ dresses EVER! That total lack of colour- looks like they are made out of Fortrel- and so unflattering, especially to poor bridesmaid on the right. Guess the society bride didn’t want anyone’s bum in a white dress upstaging her on her big day.

    • Sandra
      +12

      Pippa gets a lot of guff because of that white dress, but anybody who thinks that Kate didn’t have a hand in choosing it doesn’t understand how weddings work. I kinda like the idea that Big Sister is bad-ass enough to say, in essence, “Yup, Little Sister looks banging hot and I am entirely at ease with that because I am also gorgeous AND marrying the love of my life today.”

      •  HelenBackAgain
        +4

        Oh absolutely. I strongly suspect it was Kate’s idea, and went something like this: “But Kate! I can’t wear white at your wedding! And this is WAY too sexy!” “No, no, Pippa, THAT’S THE WHOLE IDEA. I’m already getting married… let’s get you some attention!”

        For which exchange I’d have loved to be a fly on the wall…

      • GC
        +5

        I thought it was because they are NOT AMERICAN. I remember reading that British bridesmaids have a tradition of wearing white. Look up photos of Diana’s wedding. There was a lot of white going on there, too.

      • Maria
        0

        Agreed!

    • Callie
      +5

      I hate Cressida’s outfit. It looks like something Claudia from the Babysitter’s Club would wear. I would’ve thought it was super cool when I was 12 and it was the mid-90s.

    • Jeanette
      0

      VERY unflattering effluent colored dresses. Like how they weren’t matching styles, but Ugh that ‘color’…..

      • Mary
        0

        Bridesmaid dresses? They’re the worst! The style I don’t mind so much.. the color though. Blech!

  33. Nicoya
    0

    Oh, Harry’s face. His FACE.

  34. Lily1214
    +2

    Oh that Harry is so darling. I never tire of seeing his photos.

  35. Cat
    +2

    It’s a sad day when you’re upstaged by a bridesmaid (and your boyfriend prince’s ex!) wearing an ugly brown sack. Seriously. Cressida looks awful!

    That blue color looks awesome on Bea– it would be so much fun if she got married. I also really like Pippa’s dress.

  36.  Jane
    +2

    Fun story in the Daily Mail about how there were 9 (!) of Harry and Wills’ exes in attendance at this wedding: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2347032/Royal-ex-factor-society-wedding-Harrys-3-blondes-Wills-SIX-beauties-Kate-Middleton-saw-off.html

  37. Mary
    0

    Anyone else think that Dave Clark looks like English Patient-era Ralph Fiennes? In other words- CapitalS-e-x-y! Well done, B.

  38. Guerra
    +4

    Honestly this is the worst dressed wedding I’ve seen in a long time.. Weddings on my Facebook feed look better then this.

  39. Leigh
    +1

    It took a lot of inner strength to go past that photo of Harry.
    Hopefully Hogwarts will be available for our wedding too.

  40. Alma
    0

    Hey I spent this weekend watching TOWIE, and although I’m a few seasons behind, Lucy et all are SO ORANGE. Nobody out-orange’s Chloe though. Love that terrible show!