Fuggo Tango


“Hola, killers. Think twice before you go squish to the spider on your bathroom tub. When you see it with its tiny ocho piernas, you stop and you think of JENNIFER LOPEZ. And then you will let it live. Because I am about love, lovers. Love and Love? and LOVERS. VIVA EL SPIDER! You will not just let it live, you will let it live la vida loca. You will let it live in your bedroom. You will name it Jennifer Lopez. You will give it clothes and a weave and eight tiny Louboutins and you will let it cover you in webs and throw cocktail parties where it serves martinis out of thimbles and you will say to yourselves, ‘Ay, this spider is touched by an angel,’ and then I will fly out of the sky and kiss your head and you will not get termites.

“Or, kill it. Whatever! I will not be wearing this tomorrow. Besos!”

[Photos: WENN.com]

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Comments (29):

  1. eme
    0

    Hola lovers,

    piedras??? stones??? It it were his legs, then it would be piernas or for animals patas….

    ¡¡QUE VIVA LA ARAÑA!!

  2. Lina
    0

    wow, that is more of her netherparts than I ever wanted to see. Also, I wonder if she realizes the woman in The Kiss of the Spider Woman only has a bit part, so if she’s gunning for a juicy role, she’s missing some necessary bits?

  3. O
    0

    I truly hope that one day, when the Fug Girls are NYT best selling, celebrated authors on a national press tour, Heather will hold a book reading that includes an excerpt from the Hola Lovers! series. I need to hear this read out loud!

  4. Ann
    0

    Fine. I’ll admit it! I love it, lovers!

    Besos, la arana

  5. Mary Urech Stallings
    0

    Sorry LaLopez, but after twins that is not a good look for you.

  6. jen
    0

    you guys never fail to make me laugh! i just got r*ped in my final exam, so thanks for the comedy :)

  7. Willow
    0

    She looks like a lizard person during shedding season.

  8. Amy
    0

    I’m afraid she looks like a golden Sleestak.

  9. Amanda
    0

    I have this poster of a kitten that is looking in a mirror and sees a lion and it says “What matters most is how you see yourself.” This is what I think of most of the time when I see Jennifer Lopez.

  10. Electric Landlady
    0

    Is she trying out for a very sparkly downhill ski team?

  11. Pebbles36
    0

    Oh God, I can’t seem to unsee this. I will forward my anit-nausea pill invoice to you.

  12. Pebbles36
    0

    Oh God, I can’t seem to unsee this. I will forward my anti-nausea pill invoice to you.

  13. vandalfan
    0

    If she keeps on wearing things like that, they’ll hoist her up and fly her across some New York stage and drop her on her head- No me gusto!

  14. ynl
    0

    I am itchy all over just looking at that. And it reminds me of the one New Years Eve that I thought Lurex fishnet stockings might be festive. The crosshatch pattern on my hmm-hmm lasted a full day after I finally peeled em off.

  15. Cecily
    0

    What tires me most about JLo is how seriously she takes herself. I mean, girlfriend (amiga), what are you wearing, why do you stand so, what is UP with you? The guy behind her seems to be emulating her smoulder, which just makes things worse. And the pattern of her–jumpsuit–GAH!– looks a lot like the charger plate under my fancy Christmas party dinner last year.

  16. anonymoose
    0

    she’s as pear-shaped as she ever was, and it wasn’t good looking then, and isn’t good looking now.

    PUT IT AWAY.

    and yes, Lina, Mary, Electric Landlady, Pebblels, Willow, vandalfan, and Cecily, YES.

    como se dice ‘megalomaniac’ en espanol?

  17. Sajorina
    0

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 8 TINY LOUBOUTINS? OMG!

  18. Jen
    0

    I’ve always thought her “smoldering” expression looked more “narcoleptic hooker”

  19. Sara L.
    0

    The only reason pear-shaped isn’t considered good looking, anonymoose, is because we have all been fed a steady diet of anorexic female bodies whose thighs are the same size as their arms. I love her figure, and so do most men of my acquaintance, including my husband.

    The outfit, on the other hand, is astonishingly weird.

  20. ok
    0

    The catsuit is actually made up of shards of her shattered sense of dignity.

  21. Fuh Ugh
    0

    “8 tiny Laboutins”… “sparkly downhill ski team”…”crosshatch pattern”… “narcoleptic hooker”…”shards of her shattered sense of dignity”

    How do I explain this to my husband when he says, “WHAT are you laughing at?”

  22. Anne B
    0

    J-Lo? That you, J-Lo?

    Much as I love the (HOLA LOVERS!! <3) voice, I loathe this look. I seethe when I so much as glance at it. It makes the surface of my brain itch.

    I want to go all No-Doubt-yelly about how no matter, matter, matter, matter who calls, I gotta screeeeeeeen her phone calls, but the whole time I just WANT THIS TO CATCH FIRE. With her in it? Who cares, long as it goes away!

    Stop. Stooooop. BAD SPIDER CATSUIT.

    Come at me again with a bad mix of species-couture metaphors, J-Lo. Just try it. I'll cut you. I will.

    :(

  23. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    So she’s wearing a mirrored catsuit and her dancers are wearing black sacks. Hmmmmmmm.

  24. ddukes
    0

    a weave and 8 tiny louboutins? lmao. whatever you are eating keep eating it.

  25. Colleen
    0

    This is just the ugliest thing. In what reality could she think she actually looks good in this? Stunningly bad. Oh and by the by…she is a horrible singer.

  26. Janice
    0

    Ahahaha I loved this. Literally laughed out loud in my office.

  27. anonymoose
    0

    Sara L, yer right, some people like ze pear-shape, which has nothing to do with thigh or arm widths, and everything to do with an imbalanced ratio of shoulder to hip proportion. Anorexia would look just as ugly on pear-shaped JLo as it does on not-pear-shaped Angelina. And so would this spiderweb suit of desperation. Me gusta curves and voluptuousness. My quarrel is more that Lopez’ hips (and ego) ARE SCREAMING ALL OF THE TIME while I want them to use their indoor voices. But if she dressed worth a darn, what would we discuss here?

  28. una
    0

    OMG, I cant stand this woman!

  29. Halo
    0

    That costume is ugly, but Lopez has a gorgeous figure. I don’t blame her for flaunting it and hope she finds some prettier ways to showcase her curves. Still, if you can’t wear a rhinestone spideweb catsuit on stage, when can you?