Katy Perry is all over the sequins this week, which is not a surprise considering that she actually showed up on American Idol wearing a cape BeDazzled with one of the contestants’ names. (Which seemed like it was a bit unfair to the other contestants to me, as well as being potentially kind of awkward for The One Whose Name She BeDazzled — like, how embarrassing is it to have to turn to your fellow contestant/friend and be like, “I did not know she was going to wear that.”) Her appearance on AI, by the way, prompted several conversations with my parents about how they did not know who that Katy Perry person was, but they did not care for her and also, she can’t sing as good as that Adam Lambert boy! (My parents loved Adam and made fun of me for thinking Kris was so cute. We talk about Idol a lot in my family. ANYWAY.) It’s nice of her, though, to demonstrate for us the high and the lows of sequins. The hills and the valleys. The thrills of sequin victory and the agony of sequin defeat. For example, I think this is rather cute:

Katy Perry sparkles in Harajuku, Japan

It’s sassy, it’s short, it’s sparkly, she’s a pop star — that’s all expected and well and good and fine and dandy. The following, however…prepare yourself:

House Of Mollinari Birthday Extravaganza
OH. HONEY. NO. Although I think it’s a sign of how immune I am to the likes of cropped leather bustiers and whatnot that the thing that scares me most here is her shimmery ice-skater pantyhose. Bring back leggings, bring back rompers, bring back jumpsuits, bring back freaking stirrup pants with little bows on the stirrups and bodysuits and overalls worn by men with the straps undone and no shirt underneath if you have to, but PANTYHOSE, I WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU TO CONFINE ME AGAIN. I don’t care if societal mores take a turn and we’re all supposed to wear them again. I don’t care Anna Wintour comes over and tries to forcibly shove me into a pair of L’Eggs. Our release fom the tryanny of hose has been the greatest triumph of the last ten years. (Okay. Sort of.) (Cue all the emails from people who are still wearing pantyhose/defending pantyhose blah blah blah about pantyhose. You people do what you want. But I hate pantyhose. I once decided I didn’t want to take a specific job because I knew it would require my wearing pantyhose every day and I just COULD NOT DO IT. Pantyhose pantyhose pantyhose. Wow, that’s a weird word. I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. Wow. Perry finally broke me. I knew this would happen eventually. You know what? I’m just going to stop talking now.)