FUGGING FUG FUG THE FUGFUGDIFUGS


“YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.”

“LIL’ WEST DID HIS BEST ON THIS UTERINE TEST, AND MADE A MEGA-BABY IN MY LADY’S LOVE NEST. SO WATCH OUT, BEY AND JAY, ‘CAUSE BLUE’S ABOUT TO GET PLAYED: TINY KANYE’S JOINING THE FRAY AND IT’S GONNA HAVE ITS DAY, WE’LL SEE SOME FIFTY SHADES OF YAY, AND MAYBE IT’LL BE BORN IN MAY DEPENDING ON WHEN WE DID LAY, AND BY THEN I HOPE SHE’S A DIVORCEE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TELL MY KID THAT MOMMY IS MARRIED TO SOME FOOL CAVEMAN FROM THE NETS. BUT MY OTHER GIFT TO THE WORLD IS THE MATERNITY WARDROBE THAT KIM’S GONNA PROCURE — YOU REST ASSURED IT’S NOT GONNA BE DEMURE LIKE RAYMOND BURR, IT MIGHT EVEN BE IMPURE LIKE A SEX TOY’S WHIRR, BUT IT’S ALL GONNA LOOK MAGICAL ON HER SO DON’T SAY ANYTHING BAD OR ELSE GRRRR.

“ALTHOUGH…”

“LET’S BE REAL: THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS. WORST. FISHING TRIP. EVER.”

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Comments (77):

  1. Maria L.
    0

    Wow. It’s a bizarre combo of widow from the old country and streetwalker fancy wear.

    • AmyK
      0

      Streetwalker fancy wear! I love this term.

      • mary lou bethune
        0

        I beg you to not show these horrors on your dear site for the duration. I cannot take these vile scabs on the body politic anymore. Tacky is as tacky does. They have no shame, no talent ( Kanye does), nothing at all interesting. Of course that skank got preg by someone like K and not her husband. Does it not make you sick to be subjected to these cretins K’s ? PLEASE stop the madness.

        • Andrea Oh-no
          0

          @mary lou bethune: I’m fairly positive there are plenty hate sites out there happy to welcome your two-cents, however, this one is very dear to me as one of the few that hasn’t been compromised just yet.
          On that note: Thanks to Heather and Jessica and to all of you great commenters who have teeth but no poison, for keeping up the high spirits, taste, and fun!

        • bex
          +2

          mary lou, kim has not made it difficult for you to simply attack her wardrobe and not her character. i mean, look at her. why would you perpetuate harmful public discourse about the sexual activity of female celebrities when we could discuss the fact that miss kim appears to have dressed as a gothic dolphin caught in a tuna net?

        • Jessica
          0

          Please don’t call anyone a skank on here; also, there is literally zero way we’re going to stop covering either one of them.

  2. Brenna
    0

    I always do a squeal of joy when I see one of Heather’s Kanye posts. I am actually crying laughing at “YOU REST ASSURED IT’S NOT GONNA BE DEMURE LIKE RAYMOND BURR”

    • jerkygirl
      0

      I’m eating lunch and nearly choking on it from laughing so hard!!! Oh, that dress–no one could look good in that thing, it’s offensively ugly. Worst fishing trip ever indeed, it looks like someone threw a net into an oil spill and dragged up a bunch of dead pelican feathers. Ugly, AND sadifying. :(

      • youknowwho
        0

        @jerkygirl, I cannot. I CANNOT. I am unable to can. Dead pelican feathers???!! Oh, I’m dying. Flat-lining entirely. Spot on. GFY Heather, this was an inspired post. Well done. xoxo

        • wildviolette
          0

          This post was better written than any Kayne West song – and this is coming from a Kanye fan. Awesome. Just awesome.

  3. LoriK
    0

    I’ve been dreading the inevitable “bump watch” for Jessica Biel so much that it didn’t occur to me to dread this. Clearly that was a critical oversight.

    • Kinnetik
      0

      Clearly.

      • zaf
        0

        I’ve got bets that one of the still-in-paper celeb rags will do a split photo cover – Kim on one side, Kate on the other – with the headline: 2013: YEAR OF THE BABY. Because, you know … none have really ever been born before.

    • ML
      0

      A solid Well-Played to LoriK for the first GFY comment of 2013 that made me laugh out loud at work, thus drawing the inevitable “The #@*$?” death stares from my colleagues. Game, set, match. *polite Wimbledon-like clapping*

  4. Amalia
    0

    Best KW monologue ever. Apparently imminent fatherhood will be bringing out his A-game.

  5. Dazie
    0

    I bow down to your excellence.

    http://you-win-the-internet.com/

  6. kickassmomnyc
    0

    What an utterly vulgar piece of garbage. And her dress is equally horrid.
    His lascivious, tongue-half-out expression is creeping me out, it’s so repulsive.
    They are perfect for each other.
    Poor unborn child. I pity.

  7. kickassmomnyc
    0

    P.S. Brilliant monologue!

  8. AM
    0

    So glad they’re keeping it classy. My first thought is Yuck, just yuck.

    • Vandalfan
      0

      Yeah, for a moment I mistook these two for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.

  9. RIRhonda
    0

    That was so brilliant, I don’t even feel worthy enough to comment. Hilarious. More, please. Thank you.

  10. Jules
    0

    I am not a fan of Kim’s, but I do believe she has a gorgeous face and she has a nice figure, but like all of us, needs to know how to accentuate her positives. Which she is not doing here. Here, as the saying goes, she looks like 10 pounds of you know what in a 5 pound bag.

  11. Helen
    0

    I must say, what’s left of Kim’s original face is positively glowing. Such radiance is often touted as going along with pregnancy, but I think the truth is that most women just break out and find their hair doing weird things. Maybe you have to be half Armenian.

    • glee
      0

      I think it’s two inches of make up with built-in LED’s that’s producing that glow. Also, that hair is not hers. Her Armenian half has likely been rejected in horrible graft vs host disease – and produced that repulsive dress in its final throws (is that a Stella McCartney, btw?).

  12. anonymoose
    0

    Fugly is as fugly does.

    The FugGirls, however, have a gift.

  13. Bella
    0

    This is a whole new level of fug; thanks for the LOL to begin the New Year as we watch our economy go down the crapper. Brilliant writing!

    @kickassmomnyc: He IS repulsive, reptilian even.

  14. TaraMisu
    0

    People … THIS is the apocalypse!! I can’t take 7 months of these two….. ugh.

  15. ErinE
    0

    This is horrible, just horrible. Not flattering and feels so extra inappropriate considering she is pregnant

  16. Stefanie
    0

    This is so bad. So so terrible.

    I watched some video on Youtube from a guy with some great commentary on this pregnancy. In short Kayne knocked up “his best friend’s employee’s wife.” I think this about sums up the entire situation. Keep it klassy!

  17. jen
    0

    Awesome. Heather, you rule.

  18. Stefanie
    0

    OOOOO I just found the Fug Girls’ Christmas present for next year!!!

    http://kardashiankhaos.com/souvenirs/holiday-ornament.html

    Seriously WTF?

    • Dazie
      0

      TWENTYFIVE DOLLARS? WHO WOULD PAY THAT? WHO WOULD BUY THAT?

      I’ve gone all Kanye.

      • The Fugger
        0

        YO DAZIE I MIGHT BE CRAZY BUT I GOTTA HOLLER I’D PAY 25 DOLLARS

        TO BE FAIR I’D PREFER THE 2011 PHOTO IF ONLY BECAUSE IT SUBSTITUTED HER HUSBAND FOR A CHAIR

  19. Cat
    0

    This thing is so ugly, I can’t even fathom how she thought it would be a good idea to wear it in the first place. I’m reminded of Beyonce’s Met Gala look in the 2012 Fug Retrospective– but this is a thousand times worse!

  20. Cat
    0

    Also, please please fug Kris because what she was wearing to this shindig is equally awful!

  21. Maria
    0

    She is like, one degree of nakedness and trashiness away from being CoCo.

    • Sandye
      0

      Yet somehow I adore CoCo and I can’t stand Kim.

      And thanks again for the hysterical post. You had me at Raymond Burr.

      • The Fugger
        0

        To be fair, Coco is at least somewhat conscious of how ridiculous she is and plays it up. (Oh god, remember the time she put her makeup on while SQUATTING ON THE SINK?!)

        Kim, on the other hand, is somewhat serious (except during the Kristmas Kard). Which…considering how she got famous, does not suit her well.

        It’s kind of like Gaga vs. Minaj. Fug Nation’s a lot less hostile to Minaj than Gaga, partly because Heather and Jessica like Nicki a lot more than Stefani, but mostly because at least Nicki doesn’t wear chandeliers, meat dresses, and neon wigs to make a statement about ART. We like our fuggers to be somewhat whackadoo (which is also why we’ve bemoaned the loss of Bai Ling, her general nakedness, and – most of all – her message bandages).

  22. Mo
    0

    There’s something else I fear. Maternity leather.

    • malevolent andrea
      0

      OMG, there were some pictures of Beyonce and Jay-Z out and about NYC when she was pregnant in which she was wearing what appeared to be maternity leather booty shorts. I remember being totally flummoxed about where one would buy maternity leather booty shorts as well as sad those pics didn’t end up on GFY.

      Maybe Bey will loan those shorts to Kim?

      • The Fugger
        0

        maternity leather booty shorts

        I did not know that Tina branched out into maternity wear.

  23. Carolina Girl
    0

    This is all my fault. I wished this on America.
    I remember back when the media was speculating about whether Kim and Kanye were doing the nasty that I actually thought I might enjoy a few months of their foolishness. I figured that, much like her marriage, we’d get 72 days of hilarity and then it would be over. Never in a million years would I have imagined that they’d spawn.
    In the immortal words of Cher — “if I could turn back time ..”.

    Also, that dress is seriously fugly.

    • Faye
      0

      I know, Carolina Girl! I remember when Heather (or Jessica?) joked about Kim and Kanye getting together long before they ever did, and I laughed and thought, “how hilarious!” I feel like we all accidentally willed them into being with our thoughts, like some B-grade horror movie, and now, just like in such movies, they have become a living organism on their own and are beyond our control!

  24. Ladyblahblah
    0

    I’m guessing they won’t even name this baby, they’ll just trademark it something like KarWest, which will also be the name of their line of lifestyle products for narcissistic infants.

  25. Andrew S.
    0

    1. congrats?
    2. I immediately felt bad for Khloe. She’s been trying SO HARD
    3. Because she won’t just admit that the relationship was a fraud, Kim will still be married to Kris Humphries when she gives birth & it will possibly complicate paternal rights for Mr. West.
    4. in other Kris related news, if there was ever any doubt that Kris liked Kim the most, her tweets reguarding this pregnancy confirmed it as I’m almost sure she wasn’t nearly THIS excited about either of Kourtney’s babies.
    5. I missed these and you guys as well ;3

    • Jessica
      0

      I also am worried about Khloe. I hope she is okay.

      • cathy
        0

        agreed, khloe seems like a sweetest thing and lamar is such a nice guy, it is sad to see them struggle :(

    • Ladyblahblah
      0

      re: #4. Kim is the flagship product in the Kardashian brand and her baby daddy is also a successful brand, so her offspring product brings increased revenue possibilities that the other Kardashian offspring products cannot. Like any large shareholder anticipating a successful product launch, Mama Kardashian is very excited about the value of her stock increasing.

  26. croma
    0

    Can I just say that I can’t wait to compare the tacky parade of outfits KK will wear this pregnancy to the ones Kate Middleton will wear? It’s going to be epic.

    • Miriam
      0

      Thrilling! Can’t wait!

    • la di da
      0

      Ooh, good point! What do you think the odds are of seeing them in a maternity “who wore it better” type situation? Sadly, probably the same as a snowball’s chance in hell, but it would be fun to see if they ever wore the same outfit…

  27. char
    0

    Thank you for the Kanye rant: hilarious! Also, I am so bothered by these two together b/c for reasons I don’t understand I kind of love Kanye and find him hilarious (usually unintentionally) and despise Kim. The thought of a playdate between their offspring and the third in line to the British throne so delights me, though….

  28. Gigi
    0

    Heather, this is the best Kanye yet. You are too good at this.

  29. LakeLucilleLoon
    0

    The Belly vs. The Butt. Who (or what) will win? That being said, I hope her naked maternity shot, that we all know will happen, will be a profile pose.

  30. Tracey
    0

    Bravo! Had seen the dress and could care less as Kim’s always a hot mess… but LOVE Heather’s Kanye-ness!

  31. Peggy L.
    0

    This is going to be the best year ever!

  32. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    It’s all gonna end in tears. The poor child.

  33. Nancy
    0

    God, how I love your Kanye-speak – thank you thank you!

    What the ((#*(%*&* is she doing in that outfit???? Yuck! Especially from the side – pregnant or not.

  34. Miriam
    0

    “FIFTY SHADES OF YAY” for this post!

  35. Jules
    0

    Oh.
    Maybe that apocalypse thing was the better option, after all.

  36. Christine
    0

    Her mother’s dress was even more fug than Kim’s. It looks like they took scraps from Kim’s dress and strapped them to Kris with electrical tape. It’s completely inappropriate for her age and just as fug as it gets.

  37. Sajorina
    0

    She has always looked pregnant to me! I don’t really notice the difference! Anyway, that is some SERIOUS FUG!!!

  38. Veronica
    0

    So…because I don’t watch television and generally avoid most pop culture news sites, I was not aware that Kim Kardashian was pregnant until I happened upon this post. This dress seemed like a fitting harbringer of what was to come.

  39. Sarah
    0

    If Kim and the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth on the same day, who would land the cover on most of the tabloids? What if both of them and Jessica Simpson gave birth on the same day?

  40. Julie
    0

    I think this is the worst thing I have ever seen.

    The Kanye was hilarious though.

  41. Leigh
    0

    Has she been rummaging through Beyonce’s cast-offs again? This dress looks suspiciously like the one Bey wore to the Met Gala, except she’s taken the garden shears to the fishtail skirt made of genuine muppet-hair.

  42. rb
    0

    Please consider videotaping your all caps first-person raps — henceforward! They are already brilliant (especially Britney and Kanye), but I really wish to hear you voice them! Saying them to myself, I just sound like SJP with early S&TC diction.

  43. chinoise
    0

    I somehow feel that Kim’s clothing selections have exhibited more bad taste ever since hooking up with Kanye. And this fishnet outfit is utterly unflattering. The length makes her look even shorter and whoever designed this dress should be banned from designing any further.