Fugcock


The good news is, we can finally see her pretty face. The bad news is, EVERYTHING ELSE.

[Photos: Getty]

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Comments (42):

  1. Sandra
    0

    Naw, if being Mrs. JT turned her into SWINTON, she would look, and be, much more interesting. This is……not.

  2. PegMN
    0

    She has looked so much worse than this that I really don’t mind this look for her at all. I am especially pleased that the stupid bangs are pushed back off her face.

  3. PegMN
    0

    Her back is spectacular, so it might as well be all about that. Know we aren’t supposed to comment about bodies, but WOW. I need to get back into the gym too.

  4. Kate
    0

    I’m trying to think of an occasion where labial armpit flaps would be appropriate…and I just can’t…

    A Georgia O’Keefe exhibition opening, maybe?

  5. Erin
    0

    I really wanted you to post the picture with her and Dame Mirren with a dialog. That dress is cray, and no amount of JT adjacent swagger is going to make it less so.

  6. Clarence Beeks
    0

    WHO is styling this woman? They need to be fired! The front of the dress is horrible.

  7. Emma
    0

    She looks like if she leapt off a tall building, she would glide safely to the ground.

    • TaraMisu
      0

      Yes!!! Like a flying squirrel!!

      Glad the bangs are pinned back though.

  8. Trish
    0

    There’s the germ of a good idea here — this shows off her toned back/arms/shoulders. And praise be the hair curtains are off her face. But the flappy front is a fail.

  9. Bottle Ginger
    0

    Pregnant.

    • pidget
      0

      I really hope she is, because that is the ONLY acceptable excuse for this. But it does look good from the back, and as stated earlier, the bang-ectomy is great.

    • Spinstermiss
      0

      Yep. The tiered wedding dress, the Golden Girls pantsuit. Sensing a Christmas cover for People Magazine in the JTs future.

  10. Stefanie
    0

    Im coming here from the LiLo post and all I want to do is just smash my head into my desk out of frustration. For both Jessica and for Lilo for totally different reasons.

  11. Shannon
    0

    Good lord, this girl is someone who thinks she’s a fashionista. But she simply is NOT. BIEL, YOU ARE NO SWINTON. I beg of you, keep the bangs off your face and just find a simple, classic Calvin Klein/Michael Kors/ODLR dress that shows off your figure and call it a day. Please?!

  12. Katie
    0

    I think if you just pulled the ruffle off, this would be passable. We’d be complaining about how it’s a boring black column dress, yes, but there wouldn’t be so much argh. Except for maybe the sideboob part. I am glad she finally pulled her bangs back though. Thank heavens for small blessings.

  13. foo
    0

    Going through the slides was akin to not noticing a cobra was coiled beside you until it raises its head and is staring directly in your face- with flared out hood- while saying “”hisssshahahhaha!”

    PS- I just noticed the title of this post on the tab at the bottom of my computer. Thank you. :)

  14. theotherjennifer
    0

    she does have really great lipsticks. is JT still ostensibly dressing her? Cause he should be totally fired.

  15. amys
    0

    Her makeup is really flattering and not overdone which is always nice. And thank you, dear sweet universe, for the bang reprieve. She looks so much better with that pelt off her forehead.

  16. Danna
    0

    She looks like she’s wearing a manta ray

  17. Gill
    0

    She has such a great body, you’d think she’d choose something that flattered it more. This is just a shapeless wreck.

  18. Helen
    0

    Yay, she got the hair off her face! And the light makeup is lovely. That is a really good face to have.

    Now have someone fix those oversized veneers, Biel. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you smile, I’d forgotten how plasticky and huge they are. I’m glad to see you smile, but you are still way too pretty for those cheap teeth. Those are the kind actors get when they’re just starting out and they can’t afford better. Then they upgrade when they get more successful. Upgrade!

    All that said, granted, the dress isn’t flattering from any view but the back, but I think it may hail the beginning of an upswing? It’s very feminine, yet not overly so on athletic Biel, and it definitely has its own identity. She may be starting to find a style. I’d like to see that style better fitted, or fitted at all, but this could be a start.

  19. Liz
    0

    She looks like that little dinosaur in Jurassic Park that killed Newman from Seinfeld.

    • S
      0

      THANK YOU. So glad that someone else had that same thought.

      • fritanga
        0

        HAHAHAHAHA. That is a Michael K.-worthy snap. And hilariously spot-on.

    • MegoPachego
      0

      YES!!! I totally have that sound effect in my head when the dinosaur face wings spring forth in all their horrid glory. I hope to God someone is following in her wake playing that sound clip for unsuspecting photographers and scaring the crap out of them.

  20. jerkygirl
    0

    Eesh!!! What a weird dress. I’m glad the Frankenbangs have been dealt with better here, though. She always strikes me as someone who is probably much prettier when NOT dressed up, like in jeans and t-shirts going hiking or something. You know the phenomenon. Or maybe that’s just because she’s been dressing like Angina de Oldlady lately and I’d be much happier to see her in anything else.

  21. Lucasta
    0

    She is, in nearly every way, the anti-SWINTON.

  22. Maretha2
    0

    She’s not my personal cup of tea, but she does look nice with her hair pulled back like that and with simple make up. The dress is weird.

  23. Billie
    0

    Well, it’s …better? I think? Honestly, though, I stand by what I’ve said before – she is not someone who can pull off capital F fashion. Yank that schmatta off the sides and turn this into a simple, body-skimming sheath, and she’d look fantastic.

    Also, I have some serious back-envy right now.

  24. Diane
    0

    She looks like she’s wearing a sting ray.

  25. Vandalfan
    0

    Her bangs are now the equivalent of the curl on top of a Dairy Queen soft serve cone.

  26. SKGD
    0

    A very large black sea cucumber???

  27. witjunkie
    0

    What the hooha is going on with her hair in the last slide? It looks like a hair fez.

  28. Sajorina
    0

    It’s lovely to se her face! I like the dress from ever angle but the front; maybe because it needs a 2″ to 3″ shorter hem! I think it’s interesting and I also love a ruffle! Plus, hair & makeup are sooooo pretty!!!

  29. Tamburlaine
    0

    I think she looks pretty good in this, and it’s so nice to see her face! I don’t mind a little bit of sideboob – it’s quite tasteful. The dress could be a tad better fitted, perhaps, but overall she looks lovely.

  30. 7Kellx
    0

    I always assume she’s the biggest bore purely based off association of what she wears. This isn’t horrible, but very unimaginative. Great hair and make up though!

  31. Sr168
    0

    She looks way older than she is in the close-up.
    It’s a red carpet, not a body-building comp.
    Has she done more to her teeth than she should have?
    The dress is the least of her worries.

  32. Mina
    0

    She looks like she’s about 45 years old.