Fug The Cover: Anne Hathaway


It’s unfortunate for this edition of Glamour that the cover photo was taken before Anne’s breakup makeover, to the point where I keep checking and
re-checking the date on the masthead just to make sure this isn’t
accidentally from last year. But fortunately, I quickly get distracted by the cover lines. I love seeing which concepts transcend language — for instance, apparently the very idea of “big fashion” is universally understood, as it appears in English on this Glamour cover twice:

The rest, I just enjoy interpreting in my own way. “Ik ben echt een ongelooflijke nerd” is fairly easy, thanks to the
universal power of the word “nerd,” indicating this is yet another
rehashed article where Anne blathers on about being super dorky even
though she is a huge movie star. I hope the enthusiastically promoted “folklore” trend means that The Netherlands is about to enjoy a renaissance of Brothers Grimm-themed clothes. I’ve decided “Miriams Man Bleek Gay” is a review of The Netherlands’ Next Top Model. And I don’t care what “flirteen heet smirten” really means; in my head, that’s how the photographer tried to direct Anne Hathaway at this cover shoot, which explains why she looks both like she’s trying to seduce you, and as if she is privately, smugly smirking at you because you have a giant piece of spinach in your teeth and she would rather enjoy your unknowing shame than alert you to it.

The worst part about this cover is how it’s NOT overtly crazy and terrible. At least if they were aiming at something super wacky and fell short into fuggery, it would be amusing and maybe interesting. But this is just boring and unflattering — the Joker smile, the bad angle on her nose — and mostly reminds me of an Olan Mills portrait she’s taking to use as her high-school yearbook’s senior picture. About the only thing I DO enjoy about this cover is that it proves Tyra Banks is crazy when she yammers on about how actresses on magazine covers never show any neck. CLEARLY, we can see Anne’s; therefore, Tyra is going to have to come up with something new to demonstrate at judging panel this season. Perhaps something that involves the subtleties of how to model makeup and talk with your eyes when you have a bag over your head. 

react: