Unfug It Up: Charlotte Church


unfug-it-up

Hey! Remember Charlotte Church? She’s got a new album coming out this month — or, as the kids call it, “dropping” — and thus she’s once more out and about:

I just wish she would have run this outfit past someone before she left the house wearing it — surely Charlotte must have Posh’s number on speed dial, somewhere, and you KNOW Vicky would lend a hand.  If she’d called me, I would have advised her to start over entirely — but let’s pretend we’ve all got to work with what we’ve got standing in front of us here. Imagine you ran into Miss Church here in the parking lot of the event and she begged you to make her presentable before you both went inside. What would you do? Consider this your Project Runway challenge, and MAKE IT WORK in the comments:

 
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Comments (66):

  1. Paige
    0

    Assuming I have scissors in my purse, I’d chop off the weird sequinned thing on her skirt, the sheer wrist warmers (or are they part of her sleeves?), and the bottom of her sweater/coat so it doesn’t hit her mid-calf. Her swoat would look a lot better if it was ass-length.

  2. Anonymous
    0

    Might as well go all the way. Give her a pointy black hat and a broomstick.

  3. Susan
    0

    Perhaps an early Halloween party and she’s going as a witch? That’s about as charitable as I can be. Heinous manicure.

  4. Anonymous
    0

    I agree with Paige about chopping off the dangling sequined netting thingie (and I *do* carry small scissors!). Can we hack away at all the leather wrapping her ankles, too? That is some seriously unflattering footwear.

  5. Sketchy
    0

    If we can just trim off all the netting all together and a new shoe, she’s too short for those stump-makers.

  6. Clara
    0

    I would loose the cape and add a few inches to the black skirt, so it was at least the same length of the net thingy. Or keep the skirt knee length ahd loose the net thingy. Hate the shoes, lighter hose, and brush the hair or pull it into an updo of some kind.

  7. Anonymous
    0

    get rid off Granny’s cardigan, rip off the idiotic rhinestone veil, wear the dress with a short jacket in a lighter tone and exchange the godawful hooves for something that matches the new jacket.

    Oh, and do something about that hair.

    But the make-up’s great, and the face is still gorgeous.

  8. Alma Garret
    0

    Oh Jessica. “I wish she would have?” I weep.

    I weep for the outfit, too. The shoes have *got* to go, get rid of the drape-y bit over the skirt and the wrap she’s wearing, and change the tights to opaque or fishnet or anything besides that sheer look.

  9. geemee
    0

    I would take her into the nearest bathroom and swap outfits. No matter what I was wearing, it would look better than this. Then I would go out the back to avoid being seen in this.

  10. eme
    0

    Rip off the sheer skirt overlay.
    Close the swoat as it has been called.
    Use the ripped off skirt to use as a belt.
    Remove the hose.
    Use hose to tie hair into a sexy chignon.
    Am I being too McGuyver?

  11. avalon
    0

    Here’s an honest answer. Take off the hose. Rip the veil-thingy off. Take off the monster shrug and tie it around her waist, leaving a tulip kind of hem and a sexy little peekaboo leg. Tah Dah ! And it just took 4 minutes in the bathroom.

  12. miss dove
    0

    Such a pretty girl, and I think she has a cute figure underneath it all, but the layers of sheer black are creating shadows that embiggen her in a very unflattering way. Get rid of the illusion netting on top, the sheer overlay on the skirt, replace the hosiery with a nude leg, and burn that cape. The underskirt is a teensy bit short, but I think she might have the legs to pull it off. Give her a body conscious blazer so she doesn’t freeze, brush her hair, and she’s good to go.

  13. miss dove
    0

    Such a pretty girl, and I think she has a cute figure underneath it all, but the layers of sheer black are creating shadows that embiggen her in a very unflattering way. Get rid of the illusion netting on top, the sheer overlay on the skirt, replace the hosiery with a nude leg, and burn that cape. The underskirt is a teensy bit short, but I think she might have the legs to pull it off. Give her a body conscious blazer so she doesn’t freeze, brush her hair, and she’s good to go.

  14. Eve
    0

    Bring the eyes up to her face! Pull her stringy hair up off her shoulders so that it softly frames her gorgeous cheekbones. Highlight those lips with dark red Add some bling on her ears. Then, swap out the clod hoppers for some strappy little sandles. If those are stubby black nails, change the color.

    Finally, show some of that beautiful skin around her shoulders and neck.

  15. Jill
    0

    I would cut the sweater cape to her waist, used the extra fabric as a just above knee pencil skirt with the sparkly frilly bit on the outside and then ripped off the netting about her chest. And I would’ve pulled her hair back. And then I would’ve traded shoes with her because that’s how good a friend I am. And, if I had an extra 20 minutes, I would give her a manicure, too.

  16. Anonymous
    0

    Remove the cape
    Remove all the netting
    Change to less clunky shoes
    Add a short, nipped in black blazer.
    Add an interesting necklace

  17. lori
    0

    Buy something else instead.

  18. TaraMisu
    0

    There is nothing to save here. From head to toe it’s a complete do over… is her nail polish all chipped off? Wtf? I know she has 2 small kids, but a manicure at the very least should have been in order. She is very beautiful but she looks unkempt and rather ice skater-ish.

  19. Evalyn
    0

    If you chew your fingernails, don’t then, paint them black. Also, comb your hair.
    How about stripping this back to a strapless black dress, patterned hose or none at all, plain black pumps or something shiney. If you need a wrap, don’t take it so literally. A light shawl or shrug would do the trick, and it could be sparkely too.

  20. leah
    0

    opaque black tights, get rid of the sheer skirt overlay, turn the rest of the dress into a deep burgundy color. i hope the jacket cape is velvet. then it’s the best part of the outfit. the shoes are fine. brush her hair.

  21. Anonymous
    0

    Get rid of the sheer netting stuff around the skirt AND the skirt. Make the bustier full length to the knee. Keep the cape/coat/cocoon whatever it is; I like it. Lose those ugly shoes and do a lovely red peep toe pump. Put her hair in a flattering french twist.

  22. Anonymous
    0

    Get rid of the skirt and the netting overlay. Extend that velvet bustier to a knee length dress. Keep the cape. Lose the very ugly shoes and go with a peep toe pump in a deep red, maybe brocade. Hair in a lovely french twist.

  23. vandalfan
    0

    I’d hit her with the car (gently!) so she could use the ambulance to change into an open backed hospital gown. There is nothing worth saving in this outfit, not one thing. Not the tuelle, the illusion netting, the clumsy drawstring neckline, the hideous swoat (good one!), the bedazzled handkerchief hemmmed overskirt, or the cruel leather ankle bandages. She should comb her hair and go put on that pretty blue-grey that Meister’s wearing above.

  24. Kate
    0

    Lose the caftan, lose the tutu, lengthen the skirt. Maybe lose the illusion top too? Would have to see it sans caftan. Lose the tights, replace hooves with shiny black pumps, go sleek in the hair and big earrings. Oh, and ideally, make the dress not velvet. In other words, dress her in an entirely new outfit.

  25. westward ho
    0

    well. ditch the shoes, to begin with. and the … cardicape? and the asymmetrically hemmed shower curtain. and the sheer sleeves. and the oddly … lumpy black pantyhose. everything, really, except the face. she should just send her face out until she learns how to dress the rest of her self, starting with lower hemlines, more opaque tights if she’s going to wear them, and more fitted, less sheer or drapey things on top. maybe some color. she’s young! she doesn’t have to look like granny weatherwax! no more charlotte church of the damned. oh, and hair. a little brushing would suffice.

  26. lola
    0

    I can’t believe I am going to say this, but somehow I like her in this at this moment. It looks like she is in an old school rock and roll band singing in blues bars. She looks grown up.
    And – This outfit says “I am not here to compete in a foofoo dress competition looking like a slightly larger version of the rest of you, cuz I can sing”. Think Janis Joplin. (She had lots of boyfriends.)
    ….Now, if she starts showing up in nothing but rag dresses and capes everytime, ala Stevie Nicks, I’ll change my mind. But this one cape with that lovely neckline look pretty on her and I am fine with it.

  27. lola
    0

    I can’t believe I am going to say this, but somehow I like her in this at this moment. It looks like she is in an old school rock and roll band singing in blues bars. She looks grown up.
    And – This outfit says “I am not here to compete in a foofoo dress competition looking like a slightly larger version of the rest of you, cuz I can sing”. Think Janis Joplin. (She had lots of boyfriends.)
    ….Now, if she starts showing up in nothing but rag dresses and capes everytime, ala Stevie Nicks, I’ll change my mind. But this one cape with that lovely neckline look pretty on her and I am fine with it.

  28. Maisie
    0

    I have nothing to add, really, since all the best advice has already been given. But to Miss Dove: KUDOS, girl, for “embiggen”!

  29. Jody
    0

    Ok. We’re in the parking lot, with not a moment to lose. I force her to hand over the cape and toss it under the nearest car. Then I whip out the scissors and remove any and all netting, hand her a couple bobby pins so she can put her hair in a quick up-do, and push her towards the door. She still won’t win any awards, but at least she won’t look like she drank essence of Elvira.

  30. punxxi
    0

    trade the shoes for some strappy sandles, get rid of the sweater/coat or wth it is,get rid of the overskirt with the hangy things on it.
    get rid of the black hose.

  31. Fuh Ugh
    0

    Lord love this child – she has the voice of an angel. Unfortunately, with this getup, she also has the hooves of a satyr. Start over kiddo, and that includes the black nail polish.

  32. min
    0

    Go all Jamie Lee Curtis in “True Lies” and rip off that sheer panel on the top of the dress and let that d├ęcolletage breathe, girl. Also, take a cue from Boobs Legsly and ditch the tights.

  33. Molly
    0

    If she is contractually obligated to wear the sequined netting thing, she could use it as a scarf and tie up her hair.

    Her shoes make me think of surgery for a torn ACL.

    COLOR, please!

  34. Misty
    0

    Ooooohhhh! Little burger bites in the background! Yum…

  35. canUcK chick
    0

    get rid of the cardigan, ditch the tights, and cut off the sleeves, and trim the skirt overlay to the same length (approx) as the underskirt. Take a second look, and potentially cut off the netting on the neckline and rip off all the of the embroidered netting. Brush her hair out and pin it back at the sides (fully up might be too much with such a short skirt & bare legs). Give her whatever earrings I’m wearing, and rip the cover/front off those boots – I can’t tell if they’re actually part of the boot or those hideous things that turn your heels into boots, but the basic underlaying shape of the boot/shoe looks like it could be good.
    She might freeze until she gets indoors, but at least she’ll be presentable (and it’s NOT that cold in the UK yet anyways).

  36. ProudMary
    0

    yank off the netting and close the drapes.

  37. samantha
    0

    First i would lose the stockings, they look awful. Then i would pull her hair back into a cute chignon all smooth and sleek. Then i would make her lose the whole outfit, put the nice coat back on and wrap it around like a dress and use the tight black skirt as a kind of belt thing to hold it and cinch in the waist. I might cut the hemline then depending on how it looked.

  38. Amber Watkins
    0

    I would pull a Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies right before her erotic dance scene and just RIP all the sheer frou-frou off the dress and get the hair away from her face (hopefully there is a vase lying around). GREAT movie.

  39. shnaggi
    0

    Hair first …up do immeadiately and
    Make-up needs to be stronger (one would think anyone in the entertainment business knows the effect of flash has of washing you out…together with the lank hair…what a disaster)
    Outfit…I concur with Lola Unless she is going to do some Juliette Lewis style thrashing about or Stevie Nicks moves I don’t understand why the cape and overskirt…maybe there is a wind machine in the venue and she’s going to strike a pose for the evening…but I doubt that so I agree scissors out and off they come and yes loose the tights (again unless we want to go Taylor Momsen and do some suspender cut outs and slash the skirt…ok ok only kidding…and loose the orthapedic clodhoppers already…you can find a comprable evening shoe surely and how about a satin black trench if she is cold or a lady tux jacket.

  40. Andrew S.
    0

    take of the tights, remove/cut away all the netting, save for the sequined thing to use as a belt. put the hair up.

    done

  41. Nanina
    0

    Lose the tights, make the skirt knee-length (I don’t think the shorter length would suit her bare legs). Then shorten anything of that glitzy net thing that hangs below the hem, change the shoes into something more elegant. Probably ditch the cape.

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  43. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    Fug-a-rama

  44. Anonymous
    0

    Ok – in the parking lot, I would

    put her hair up (loose, simple, clean-ish nape-of-the-neck double buns)

    yank up the net sleeve things (to make them disappear!)

    Put both bracelets on the same wrist with the ring

    Touch up her nail polish

    Wipe off most off that blush, ease the eyeliner & apply sheer powder.

    Rip off the sheer thingy

    Loan her a pretty, shiny brooch with which to pull the “cape” sides together, slightly asymmetrically, fastening them after hand scrunching some flattering gather action before pinning them slightly above the hip, over one pelvic bone area. (Hopefully, this will cover the heinous princess waist or whatever that is, cover most of the thigh, except for one nice, soft raise below the pinning…which would allow for removal of heavy stockings)

    Can’t quite think of a good way to use the ripped-off netting….maybe fold it scarf-flat, wrap & tie around wrist to make another bracelet, so there is some kind of a statement with bracelets (Edgy 3 plus a ring to complement the punky not-finished neckline, with the other hand ;unkily painted but otherwise sophisticatedly naked to go with the 40s dress drape over classic curves.

    Whew!

  45. ClaireL
    0

    Remove that dreadful sheer drapey thing and make it just a cute short strapless dress. Take off the tights. Add pretty necklace. Tie hair into neat updo. Ta da!

  46. Fiona K
    0

    Forget about Posh. Where the heck is Johnny Weir when you need him? He would know what to do to put some glamour into this sad little Halloween costume.

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  48. Spacelamb
    0

    Burn it. Wear something else. Wear ANYTHING else.

  49. sema4
    0

    If I can only do one thing , I’d cut those hideous , truly hideous shoes up in some way.

    If 2 things, then as above , plus take off the woolly looking tights and put ordinary coloured ones on,

    If 3 , then as above plus lengthen the skirt to the same length as the swoat/cardiwrap thing

  50. Vickyb
    0

    Remove all extraneous fabric!! The cardigan thingy, the sheer overlay at the top and the bottom. Change the tights to sheer to break up all that black and then I’d let her go to the ball.

  51. Anonymous
    0

    Lose the jacket-y thing, lose the tights, lose the weird lace curtain at the front, tear the fronts off the shoes, lose the neckline to reveal just the simple, dark blue dress.

    Finally, give her a sassy, ScarJo-like bob to hopefully distract everyone from the horror that is the ensemble.

    Not quite a Well Played, maybe, but it’d be a hell of a lot better.

  52. Blondyy
    0

    Yikes! She took my high school choir dress, and then cut it up and added sequins to form a sort of sad excuse for a witch’s custume…sans hat…for Halloween…

  53. Clairebell
    0

    Easy. Someone just tell this chick is NOT, nor will she ever be, Sarah Brightman (though she is VERY talented). And she should be grateful for the information.

  54. tracy
    0

    cut off the lace glitter stuff on the front and take her cape or whatever that is and lets turn that into some kind of wrap around skirt. the top isnt too horrible but all else needs lost or covered up

  55. Ripley
    0

    Grab a cute pair of pumps out of the trunk and get rid of those god awful frankenshoes. Lose the hose which are doing no favors. Pin up the hair and see what can be done to get rid of the cape-thingy. Rip off glittery overlay and perhaps use as a belt. Remove 1/2 of make-up esp excessive blush and eyeliner.

  56. The Other Molly
    0

    THAT is Charlotte Church?
    The “Voice Of An Angel”, Charlotte Church?
    What? Is she hanging out with Momsen now?

  57. Sofia
    0

    I’d remove the coat-like thingy, tear off the sequined tulle thingy, remove the black tights too, and send her to the nearest shoe store to buy prettier shoes (which, in my opinion, shouldn’t be very hard).

  58. Jill
    0

    If she is looking to sell more albums, lose the cape and the tights and…wait for it…the skirt. Leave the floaty chiffon thing and give her some hot pants. Now she’s ready for the Grammys.

  59. Anonymous
    0

    Remove the sequin layer and the tights, maybe use one/both as some way to put her hair up?

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