Fug or Fab: Alicia Keys


fug-or-fab

It cracks me up when people pose like this:

[Photo by: Splash]

I do it too, kidding around in the house. It’s totally the ANTM Broken Down Doll pose (a bit less broken down than it ought to be), and it’s best accessorized with a very hungry expression. You also see this often on Renee Zellweger, but in her case it’s the Check Out How Small My Waist Is; I’m Afraid I’m A Bit of a Weirdo pose. I doubt very very strongly that Alicia is that kind of a Weirdo, and ergo, she must be kidding around. However, I am not sure that the red (or, in this case, gray) carpet is the best place for said kidding, if in fact that is what she is doing, because in photos she basically just looks as though she’s been attacked by Jazz Hands she can not control. Also: I don’t think the dress is doing her many favors. The print is cute; the shiny is not. Please weigh in, Fug Nation:

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Comments (473):

  1. anon
    0

    at first, second and third look, it looks like a unitard, not a dress. Which is far worse than ‘is it shiny?’ And it looks a little too small. I’m f-troubled.

  2. jakedog
    0

    meh from the waist up, but at least the top half fits. from the waist down, fug.

  3. vandalfan
    0

    It would look much better with just straps and not those pouffy sleeves. Maybe a v-neck, while we’re up there. Nice shoes and stockings, and personally I like the fabric. Maybe even on Renee.

  4. Anonymous
    0

    Her dress sort of looks backwards.

  5. WDC
    0

    Gosh, are you sure that’s an actual pose, and not just a shot that caught her mid-gesture? I thought she was smoothing her dress or something…

  6. Anne (in Reno)
    0

    I actually kind of love the print, maybe in a slightly less shiny fabric, and as a top with a black skirt instead of as a weirdly-fitting dress?

  7. Jessica McClintock Bedding
    0

    What the heck is she doing??? How can anyone thingk that’s a flattering pose?

  8. Brie
    0

    Anonymous is right; it looks backwards. Actually, her whole body looks backwards! It’s really creepy.

    Not feeling any of it; the dress, the hair, the weird expression…A. Keys has more misses than hits.

  9. Alisa
    0

    Alicia, Jessica Simpson called, she’d like her dress back. thx

  10. maggie
    0

    Too shiny, too lumpy–bunchy along the ribs, strained across the thighs. Crazy, clunky shoes. Strange choice.

  11. MN
    0

    If you are going to work the evening shift at Limited Express circa 1993, fab. Otherwise, just no.

  12. nitrogirl
    0

    i LOVE this dress. GFY u picked the most unflattering pose.
    Does anyone know where I can find a dress like it. I LOVE it and think its super pretty!!!

  13. granny
    0

    It’s either 4 sizes too small or it’s got the static cling from hell.

  14. prairieportia
    0

    f’troubling! I love it! Like s’marvelous.

  15. Peony
    0

    Alicia, you and J Simp need a wardrobe intervention. Do you have a stylist? If so then your stylist hates you, is blind, and totally hypnotized you a la Rasputin.

  16. Linney
    0

    Way too tight across the thighs and it makes her stomach look poofy. It’s not doing her any favors since she’s got some thigh to deal with. Between that dress and the shoes, her legs look pretty stumpy.

  17. sharil
    0

    I would say that the fit is also not her friend. Pulling across the hips usually makes them look larger, which hardly anyone benefits from. Except maybe Zellweger. That lass might actually look better with a little more junk in the proverbial trunk.

  18. Angie
    0

    Uniboob. Balloon.

  19. Gina
    0

    The dress is not terrible, but she is suffering from a horrible case of stumpification. She should benefit from an A-line skirt. Also, shorten the hem a bit, ditch the stockings, and swap out the shoes for something a bit less cankle-rific.

    I love her hair and makeup, though. Alicia is a beautiful woman and her makeup isn’t always flattering, so this is good.

  20. Kirsten
    0

    The shiny is not a problem, but the size-too-small is.

  21. marcia
    0

    I’m with WDC….I don’t think it’s an actual pose, just a mid-gesture, not quite ready thing. Her legs aren’t pose-y, her face looks like she’s about to say something…..

    The dress is not all that flattering, but it’s not the worst thing ever either. I’m sort of feh (even though I voted that no one is weirder than z.)

  22. FreckleFace
    0

    Girlfriend has some hips and curves, she is not promoting them in a good way. Go up a size and hem about two inches, a cute short black trench coat to break up the print.
    This look smacks of the same red and black shiny material that Debi Mazar had on in your recent post, Debi could wear this better. Ms. Keyes must have picked this up on sale in the souvenir shop at the Kit Kat Lounge. I believe they need to exchange outfits.

  23. Kristin22
    0

    I feel like there’s something weird about the angle of the photo that’s making her look so stumpy. Clearly, the fit is terrible and those shoes are not good for anyone except a giraffe, but the angle is only making it worse.

  24. Anonymous
    0

    Would have been a cute dress, in the proper size for her. As it is.. tight and uncomfortable. I’ve known girls lots more willowy and slender than her who had a morbid fear of wearing something that made their thighs look big – in fact, I thought every female had some kind of built-in alarm for that. Apparently not.
    Not loving the shoes, either. I don’t find that style of shoe becoming on anyone, but certainly not someone whose ankles are any larger than their wrists.

  25. Eleemo
    0

    It’s the fit on the dress. She needs to size up maybe? She should have also chosen an open heel, because the boots are giving her Stumpy Leg Syndrome and her legs are too fine for that.

    I love her hair. Hooray for curls!

  26. Cecily
    0

    Too tight, too bright, too long, so long!

  27. M.Amanda
    0

    Yup, backwards, as previous stated. That would explain the odd pulling. However, that does not explain the stumpification of her lovely legs. Two bads – unflattering style and shiny.

  28. Chickenstick
    0

    Well it’s plainly a size too small, maybe more. It prevents polterwang, though. Nowhere to hide in that shiny clingfilm.

  29. evalyn
    0

    Thank goodness I’m not the only one that thinks this dress looks backward. In additon to being too shiny, too long, too f-ugly.

  30. Pumpkin3.14
    0

    Oh! It’s the admin on the day of our office party! She needed a cute outfit that would allow her to put up the decorations, present the potluck, herd the hungry masses, and clean up afterward.

    Alicia, you aren’t the average girl, working the average job, shopping at Express, who puts up her hair at the last minute because it’s getting in her way as she arranges the deviled eggs.

    Grade: D-minus for Effort. The only reason it’s not an F is because you can’t mess up fabulous genes.

  31. Fifi
    0

    No kidding, what is UP with La Zellweger? That fat free, sinewy body, that pout, that weird look…THAT got Bradley Cooper’s attention?

  32. Katharine
    0

    I’m not even that enthusiastic about the print. It’s like red and black Monster Truck tracks. However, the real problem here is the serious static cling happening in the leg region. That says only one thing to me: Polyester Satin! Followed by “ew”.

  33. Claire's mom
    0

    Alicia Keyes is super talented and quite pretty (although she looks a little annoyed at not getting the hands quite right in this shot – and you’re supposed to suck in your gut and tuck in your pelvis – missed the memo on that, I guess), but her lower half is not her best feature. And by lower half, I mean everything from the waist down, including her legs (the universe must balance some serious singing/songwriting skills with cankles – it’s only fair). Not every one is blessed that way, but there are options. So, she needs to stay away from anything revealing her bare/tights-covered gams and anything this tight/shiny across her hip area. I appreciate the busyness of the print, but the shine negates it.

  34. Emily
    0

    Yikes — this is, in theory, a cute dress, but I’ve seen very few people combine “shiny” and “tight” with good results.

  35. Mary
    0

    Dress looks way small on her – it looks tight through the butt and thighs, too high necked, and uncomfortably tight in the arms and armpits. The girls look overly confined. I wonder if the waist would be improved by a black belt. Shiny, clingy satin makes her look lumpy, and I don’t think she is. Not flattering at all through the tummy. Hate the black stockings and the shoes.

  36. Valeria
    0

    WHY (!?!) do ANY women choose to wear skin tight dresses ?? They scarcely flatter even the skinniest of gals and IMHO definitely do not flatter the average size amongst us. Furthermore, I never want to see the circumference of a hemline smaller than the skirt’s circumference at the hip – - automatic fug. However, Ms. Keys is a lovely lady with a lovely, normal shape. I just don’t like the dress she stuffed it into.

  37. Kate
    0

    Nice print, but poorly-fitting. Even the shiny would be okay if the dress fit better.

  38. Jo
    0

    This does look like a shorter version of that mess that Jessica Simpson wore the other day..what is it with relatively young women wanting to look like upholstered furniture? Or as if they wanted to be Rue McClanahan’s understudy for a remake of the Golden Girls?

  39. perletwo
    0

    I’m calling it fab – not on its own merits, but by Jumpsuit Cameltoe Queen Alicia Keys standards? Giant leap forward.

  40. Ann Davie
    0

    Maybe she’s just leaving the manicurist?

  41. sapphiregirl
    0

    Gina, you read my mind…

    Alicia is too gorgeous for this nonsense.

  42. kary
    0

    Jazz Hands That She Cannot Control (JHTSCC) cracked my sh7t up. I’m crying, girls. CRYING. Laughing too hard to even think about how to defug. Laughing…too…hard….

  43. Janellionaire
    0

    I wish the ruching on the bodice extended all the way down the skirt, because it does give it the effect of being too big on top and too small on bottom. I think her face says it all here. Mistake.

  44. Iris - lushcrystaljewelry.com
    0

    Oh my, didn’t expect a celebrity to pose like this. what’s with the hands? The dress make her look old.

  45. poltergasm
    0

    it looks like tord boontje designed it
    for a bordello lamp
    {now on sale
    @ tarJay}

  46. xxxx
    0

    Fuckin bullshit swiss beatz,he will kill a other artist after Michael Jackson.

  47. Casey
    0

    I always like to call that pose the menstrual cramps pose. Especially when Renee does it.

  48. Janice Marie
    0

    I think the pic caught her in mid-pose, so I can fogive the jazz hands. What I cannot forgive is how fug her dress is.

    She has a beatiful shape, but A-line cut is key for wide thighs – even on size two women (which she is not, not that there is anything wrong with that).

    God, I am so politically correct today.

  49. stacey
    0

    I LITERALLY just saw Renee Zellweger at the Beverly Center Sephora in capri work out leggings and a track jacket…I have to say she looks a LOT cuter when she’s not making that face she always makes in pictures.

  50. lou
    0

    I’m with Claire’s Mom on this. AK is lovely but she often just does not dress right for her figure. This frock looks home-made, and not in a good way, like the seams were sewn crooked which is making things pull from the waist down, accentuating the negative. And the pattern looks like something you’d find on a designer SIGG bottle.

  51. ldc
    0

    I don’t mind the dress so much, but the shoes need to be changed.

  52. Athena
    0

    Alicia Keys (or her stylist) does not know how to dress her figure. She is always in something that is too tight and unflattering for someone who is heavier on the bottom.

  53. tejasmom
    0

    I smell static cling.

  54. xxxx
    0

    Amel Larrieux is a real great singer,she know Jazz.AK she not singer Jazz,she’ve small voice,not power of love to prestation.Alicia Keys is just a manufacture of industry musical.

  55. Jenna
    0

    I would like the dress, to be honest, on someone else. It doesn’t fit her well. It pulls in the wrong places. Doesn’t show skin in the right places (wouldn’t a v-neck call more attention to her gorgeous face?) and her pose is just saying “hey, look at my every mild imperfection.” If this were a deep v, tank top dress, I think I would love it.

  56. Bella
    0

    The shoes give her “Miss Piggy” legs and feet.

  57. Coco
    0

    It looks like her head is on backwards.

  58. Blanche
    0

    An art prof once told me that I had the face of dancer. It was an awesome…What is that?…Is that a backhanded compliment? Is that the world’s snarkiest diss? I don’t know. I just was so impressed by how not a compliment that was, and how it just aimed a bit below the radar, that I couldn’t feel bad. It was ninja insult magic.

    While SHE really has a beautiful face and a load of talent, Keys has the body of a singer. So dressing like a sexy 7th grader, as she is wont to do, is not an easy row to hoe. NEW YORK NEW YORK NEW YORK. Best song ever commissioned by a Recession/Depression-anxious Municipal Board of Tourism. Make you feel brand new my a**. Enjoy the financial bamboozling profits and executive bonuses at the country’s past, present and future expense, mes amis.

  59. NYCGirl
    0

    The print IS cute. The fit, unfortunately, is not.

  60. jaedalaurez
    0

    Whenever we do this, I’m always struck by the realization that A. Keys and other stars like Kim K. (although I realize “star” is a stretch)who are involved in the A-A community (for obviously very different reasons) are dressing for an audience that I don’t really think includes most of the people on this board lol.

    I don’t want to get all sociology class and things, but having a big booty and emphasizing their large thighs/ big behind is EXACTLY the goal with the jumpsuits/bustle/thigh hugging dresses that they wear. The thick thighs are, shall we say, THE POINT.

    So yes, as their “huge” bottom half is a significant part of their appeal (to both men/women who want to screw them and women who just want to look like that in that particular outfit), their outfits are not necessarily considered “fugs.” (although I’m not a huge fan of the way she’s standing.)

    Just thought I’d point out a possible cultural disconnect there, different standards of beauty and whatnot.

  61. Beth Ruby
    0

    I LOVE the dress, just not those awful shoes.
    And someone for the love of God tell her to stop posing like that, it makes her look like she has man hands.

  62. Beth Ruby
    0

    I LOVE the dress, just not those awful shoes.
    And someone for thr love of God tell her to stop posing like that, it makes her look like she has man hands.

  63. gigi
    0

    to quote Lupe the chambermaid on the episode Jerry & George are in LA: “toooo tiiiiiiiight” this looks like something I’d finally stick up on eBay after wrestling with all the fond memories of when I was a sophomore & discovered heels, then shocking all the people at church when my friends & I would purposefully make multiple bathroom trips to walk up & down the aisle like a catwalk so everybody [including that one cute boy] could see us… ah yes….

  64. lavash
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    I absolutely adore this look. The dress is so cute and fits Alicia’s figure so well. I also love her hair. She knows how to look good.

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