Here’s the thing: If I were ever to become famous, I would somehow create a contract wherein Madame Tussaud’s was legally prohibited from making a waxwork in my image. Because they never make waxworks in anyone’s actual, accurate image — they look like they’re based on grainy photocopied images of a person who may or may not be the celebrity in question. So unless I could work with them to guarantee various upgrades, there is no way in hell I would shuffle off this Earth knowing one of these abominations was left behind as my legacy. Brad Pitt’s is horrific. Michael Jackson’s makes him look like a very sensitive female news anchor. Our future alien overlords in 2300 are going to be so confused by it all. It just never ends well, and poor Eli Manning is no exception. Now, if you are not familiar with Manning the Younger, here he is:
And here he is again:
And here he is NOT:
THAT IS TERRIBLE. Eli Manning’s face has character. Eli Manning may not be as slobbered over as Tom “And Then The Angels Sculpted Him Out Of Heavenly Wisps, Yet Permitted Him To F Up His Hair Occasionally So As To Appear Human” Brady, but he’s totally cute, not glossy and generic. Doesn’t the kid have enough going on? He’s a) headed to the Super Bowl, which if he wins will b) ignite nationwide discussion about whether Eli is a better football player and thus, obviously, a more valuable human being than Peyton, and c) everyone keeps asking him about Peyton’s neck, as if he has all the answers and is going to blurt out, “Oh, yeah, Peyton can’t move his head, that sucker is DUNZO WASHINGTON if you ask me,” not to mention that d) he is getting ready to face a revenge-minded Tom Brady and Bill Belichick and the Patriots, who e) are somehow the underdogs even though the Giants only made the playoffs by the skin of their teeth, and f) the Patriots are being underestimated by 80 percent of the people, which h) is just the way those cats like it, because i) when you piss off Bradychick you usually end up getting torched and weeping into your thirty-point defeat, plus j) Gisele reportedly asked all her friends and family to pray for her husband, which k) means Eli is up against a LOT of forcefully praying hot people.
Look at that, our laundry list of things Eli is dealing with this week went almost halfway through the alphabet. So you know what he doesn’t need added to it? That thing. You just know Peyton printed out a thousand color copies of this photo and wallpapered Eli’s hotel room with it. That is maybe what Eli Manning would look like if he got an unnecessary face lift and then plugged himself full of Botox. Don’t worry, Eli. We know you don’t look like a love interest in a 1989 movie about accountants. We will try to melt it with our brains, the way it melted ours.
[Photos: WENN and Getty]
