Fug the Show: Gossip Girl’s 100th Episode and Royal Wedding


This one had it all: fascinators, froof, a terrible Marilyn spoof… and as icing on the cake, a true sartorial slow-clap in the form of Georgina Sparks rolling back into town looking like a deranged fox-hunting widow. Bless this girl. She may yet save this old dinosaur.

Plotwise: Lots. Blair is being a martyr, like EVERYONE ELSE on this show (Chuck decides about twice a week that he’s going to quit the Blair hunt because he loves her, Blair is avoiding Chuck because she loves him and won’t tell him, Dan is tailing around doing Blair’s bidding because he loves her but won’t tell her, Nate pals around with everyone because he is willing to love any of them if they would just love him back and yet he won’t tell them that; etc). So she decides to go through with the wedding — even when her OWN MOTHER hauls Chuck TO THE CHURCH and basically tells him to wang his magic on Blair. It doesn’t work; she blah-blahs about how she can’t be with him because she loves him, for the eightieth time. Meanwhile, Georgina wants to ruin Blair’s wedding to Louiiiiiiis because, well, she hates Blair for getting her “remanded to rehab, booted out of Bible Camp,” and then something else. Possibly foiling her plan to pass off her Russian baby as Dan’s. Who knows. Anyway, she decides to team up with the Evil Priest to seduce Louiiiiiiis and record it, then show it to Blair. This never happens, because Rufus and Lily ruin everyone’s fun always, so they bust Georgina. So she switches course and videos Blair, in her wedding finery, telling Chuck she still loves him and always will. Then, right as Chuck takes ten breaths at the foot of the altar during the “speak now or forever hold their peace” part of the ceremony and then stupidly (and yet freaking typically, lately, because New Chuck sucks) decides to hold his peace, someone sends Gossip Girl the video Georgina shot. And these high society assholes check their phones IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEDDING, all at once, and start peas-and-carrots-ing about the scoop. Blair runs off in tears. Chuck catches her and confesses that Serena told him about Blair’s pledge to God for Chuck’s life in exchange for their love (which they seriously only had her do off-camera so we could have a fake-out where S tells Dan, “I did something…” and we think maybe she sent in the video). Blair weeps that Chuck doesn’t realize how dead he was until she made that vow, and he rightly tells her to knock it off, but she STILL runs back to Louiiiiiiis AGAIN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, and they finish getting married. Seriously, is her crotch made of unicorns? Why does this lispy accented heir even want her at this point? It’s like the tenth time he’s been publicly reminded that she’s not that into him.

Serena finally confesses to Dan that she actually loves him, and he responds with a classically uncomfortable “Ohhhh…. dear” face, possibly because he has seen his hair and he therefore knows her affection cannot be sincere. Nate wooes a catering waitress who, unbeknownst to him but knownst to us, is The Real Charlie Rhodes (and not Fauxlie Rhodes, who disappeared before the hiatus but has red hair now in real life, so I wonder if she’s going to resurface In Disguise somehow). And then. THEN. Blair and Louiiiiis share their marital dance, and right as she moistly tells him she will be a devoted wife, he hisses through clenched teeth that he and his mother decided to go through with the wedding to save face, but that she is otherwise dead to them, they will have nothing to do with her except when publicly required to, and that they will force her to live out the sham of a marriage for as long as they feel like it. This is completely irrational, obviously — the People of Monaco would more likely cheer Louiiiiis for having a spine and dumping Blair at the altar at this point, so this plot development makes as much sense as a dog in a hat. But it’s also deliciously cold and schemey and delivered with Machiavellian relish by the otherwise wussy Louiiiiis, so I enjoyed it. Blair’s response is to call for her knight in shining armor. Cut to Blair outside, hopping in a car she summoned… that Dan is driving. He ganked the Just Married mobile — it was the only one with keys, which makes sense, because there’s no way Dan Humphrey knows how to hot wire a car — and the two of them drive off into the night together. SNAP. Your move, Monaco.

Oh, and by the way? They reveal Georgina Sparks is Gossip Girl. Has she always been, or is she just the new Gossip Girl (as this episode heralds her return after Serena’s brief attempt to destroy her)? Time will tell.

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Comments (34):

  1. juliannarose
    0

    Both Serena and Blairs dresses are part of the vera wang for David’s Bridal bridal collection, and the minions dresses are from the Bridesmaides dresses collection. Serena is, in fact, wearing a wedding dress.

  2. Jill
    0

    Half of that skirt is tucked into her labia. Could possibly be one of the best sentences ever written. As usual, your show recaps are a joy to read and I watch NONE of the shows that you write about.

    • Anna
      0

      I completely agree! Not only was that outfit hideous, your description made me cackle. As did: “…at the foot of the stairs apparently delivering a monologue to Serena’s vagina”. It must be said that far too much of this show is focused on Serena’s vagina. I hope we switch back to Georgina’s now.

  3. Carrie
    0

    Blair’s recent “I can’t be with Chuck because God will kill him” storyline seriously almost gave me a rage stroke. I understand it is an homage to The End of the Affiar, but it really sucked. It basically ruined Blair for me.

    That be said: fascinators!

  4. Lia
    0

    Ahh! I tried to scroll past this post without reading any spoilers but DAMMIT why did you have to reveal the Georgina/GG revelation right at the bottom? Could it not have been after the cut? Think of your international readers who’s cable companies are waaay behind on this season, for the love of blog!

    • Mooshki
      0

      Don’t worry, Georgina isn’t really Gossip Girl, she’s just pretending to be her for a little while.

  5. Sarah
    0

    Cyrus is now my favourite thing about this show. Inconceivable!

  6. stacy
    0

    This season has been terrible. So awful. And the Georgina-as-GG thing doesn’t make much sense in the history of the show. But whatever, I think the writing has gone way way off the rails and has basically veered way into daytime soap opera territory. And yet I still watch. le sigh.

  7. Tinna
    0

    Hilarious recap, as always, and THANK YOU for commenting on Blair’s ridiculous wedding hair. She looks like she just came back from surfing camp. Blair would never have her hair done like that and a princess would NEVER have her hair done like that.
    Also, and don’t ask me why I hoped this show would even try to be authentic in any way, this is supposed to be a catholic(?) royal wedding and the bridal dress would never be sleeveless and so revealing. Looking past that I still think the old, sad wedding dress was better. This one is just boring and, to be honest, it looks home made.

  8. Eliza Bennett
    0

    “The wedding cake has turned SENTIENT!”
    Lift lighters and sing, Fug Nation–”Have we told you..lately… that we love you?” Thanks GFY girls, that line made my day.

  9. Sandra
    0

    The Ziegfeld Militia is pretty damn funny too. And Tinna is totally right. The bride and all her minions would have their shoulders covered, or even an Evil Priest wouldn’t let this proceed. Also, the nasty girl may think she’s wearing Fake Clergy Robes, but she probably just mugged an altar boy. The Catholic Church is rather famously unamused about the question of women priests.

    • Heather
      0

      True, I probably should have thought of that, being as I am Catholic. However, I got married in the Catholic church and nobody made me cover my shoulders (nor my bridesmaids cover theirs), so maybe they have relaxed. Unless being royal AND Catholic is where the crazy comes.

  10. oohsparkley
    0

    I have nothing to add or say, just “that was fun and thanks GFY.”

  11. Bae
    0

    Blair’s hair was just awful- she looked like she was headed to the beach to and not a Catholic church (royal!) wedding. I totally agree that it was the wrong time to go minimalist. And Serena’s! The horrible hair-bow in the back! You can’t really see it in the picture but ugh. Someone get her a hairbrush.

  12. Ms. Chanandler Bong
    0

    I think we’re all hoping that GS is the “new” Gossip Girl and hasn’t always been GG, because I’m having a hard time justifying that. But Georgina is the most amusing character. I like how Dan pointed out there were no cars with keys except the wedding Rolls because, you know, they weren’t smack in the middle of NYC full of cabs or anything!

    Blair’s hair is awful for a future princess! And those bridesmaid dresses are so ugly bad!

  13. swellcat
    0

    I enjoyed the episode! I think Blair’s toned down dress etc was supposed to signify that she wasn’t really into it. Can you imagine what it will be like when she finally marries Chuck? Oh please let that happen!!! Cracked out crazy. Also, why am I trying to find symbolism in this show?
    Just a question, was that guy Georgina was with her Manny? I thought it was her husband?

    • Popcouver
      0

      I totally agree on the significance of Blair’s hair/outfit… Can they possibly do ANOTHER wedding on this show? If so, I hope Blair goes full on Season 1 Blair with pearls, a headband, and like a poofy Cinderella gown…. Though hopefully the show doesn’t last that long…

  14. Allie
    0

    I still can’t get over how hideous Blair’s wedding hair was. It was ratty and awful and so… casual. Serena’s updo was pretty awful too. Obviously they need some hair styling tips from Lily Van der Bass Humphrey and her impeccable updos.

  15. Ladyblahblah
    0

    God help me I just started watching this show a few weeks ago with my stepdaughter. I watched the last season on Netflix with her (couldn’t stop laughing at the horrible, horrible acting) but somehow I’ve now been sucked in. I’m currently watching season 2 on Netflix and keeping up with this season through these Fug the Shows write-ups. I’d be less ashamed to have just started a meth addiction, but at least it’s inexpensive and not as hard on the teeth and skin.

  16. vandalfan
    0

    I curse you Fug Gals! I laugh so much at the hilarity of your recaps that I actually was sucked (sucked, I tell you!) into watching the last few minutes of Ringer last night. The acting is far worse that you led me to believe, but the outfits were every bit as ridiculous. Then I turned off the TV and picked up The Fellowship Of The Ring. My moral superiority remains intact.

  17. MelShoe
    0

    Holy hell – what has happened to the hairdressers on this show – Serena hasnt seen a hairbrush since mid last season and Blairs hair has been depressing me for yonks. Watching Season 1 & 2 – there is no way real Blair would tolerate that messy limp rat tail business from any of her minions – let along whilst being photographed with and marrying a Prince. Is there a reason why Dan is not allowed to have haircuts anymore – if we look back to John Tucker must die was can agree that shaggy does not work for him.

    Also Royal Weddings very conservative, the shoulders would defintely need to be covered

  18. Alison
    0

    I just want to join in on the “what was happening on Blair’s head?” train. When it was first revealed I honestly thought her character was still waiting for her hair to be done. Perhaps it was meant to foreshadow the running away with grease ball Dan? (Did his book flop so badly that he can no longer afford shampoo or a supercut? Someone please help him.)

  19. Ali
    0

    Isn’t it strange that Eleanor Waldorf didn’t design Blair’s dress? Didn’t they have an argument about that with the Grimaldi’s, insisting that her mother would design it, not wear Louis’ mother’s dress, or did I imagine it? Not that you can ever count on continuity of plot in this show.

  20. Bookworm
    0

    I had just taken a bite of pasta salad when I clicked on slide 18 – the bridesmaids’ dresses – and literally almost choked. Those things need a warning label.

  21. Ann
    0

    Everyone’s been complaining about the terrible writing for years. Everyone’s been complaining about the plot holes/ hanging plots for years. (Forgotten love child what?)

    But I watched it all, and i loved it, always have, always will.

    Until the wedding. Blair’s hair. I just can’t get past it. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO BLAIR’S HAIR?!

  22. Andrew S.
    0

    LOL, this was better than the actual episode for the most part. However the man with Regina in the park wasn’t her manny but instead her baby daddy. Granted given how much he says/does though, there’s no real difference

  23. Sajorina
    0

    I quit this show a long time ago, but I know enough to find this HILARIOUS! Honestly, can this show get any more ridiculous? I sure hope so! Also, more “hatscinators”, please!!!

  24. Aoife
    0

    Blair’s ‘relaxed’ hair and tiara coupled with serena’s bridal dress was such a copy of the British royal wedding! They could have done with copying the hats a bit better though, not wacky enough at all. And Blair’s hatscinator was ridiculous, she couldn’t wear that to royal ascot, given that there’s now guidelines!

  25. M
    0

    Heather, I heart you. Just keep ‘em comin’. I have never laughed so hard. :)

  26. Mads
    0

    Fab-oo write up. And Serena and I share the sparkly jumper she wore en-route to getting her dress fitted. My one and only claim to semi fame. Simple pleasures.

  27. helena
    0

    i made myself watch the entire first season of this sorry excuse for a tv show but your recaps are great! you make it sound hilarious, which it probably isn’t :D

  28. Heather
    0

    Again, I must note: You are welcome to scroll past them!