Fug the Show: Dallas, episode 1


This is how much I loved ’80s soaps as a kid: The Dallas theme song was one of the first tunes I ever learned to play on the piano, followed immediately thereafter by the Dynasty theme, both of which I specifically asked my music teacher to write out for me (I never requested The Colbys, but I just ran out to see if I can pick it out by ear, and I CAN, so I consider that hitting a trifecta). So when the titular Dallas song came on, I clapped instinctively. And it helps that the show is total throwback fun. It’s not always brilliant and it’s not always quotable in a way that isn’t for giggles. But there’s no smugness. There’s no irony. It’s not a parody of itself, or of anything else. It means what it says, and it says what it is. Bonus: It’s not trying to play to These Kids Today with stupid updates. Nobody is bragging about their blog or their Tumblr or some nonsense; they didn’t reimagine Southfork with the forced color scheme of an early-2000 dot-com company (ahem, 90210); and they didn’t do anything dumb like make it a modernized prequel or some foolish remake (DOUBLE ahem, Knight Rider). It’s just pure soap, a generation or so removed. People scheme, people lie, people ill-advisedly piss off J.R…. really, the chief difference is that Larry Hagman’s eyebrows are more complicated. Oh, J.R. Much like many of the Ewings, I didn’t realize how much I needed you in my life until you returned to it.

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Comments (41):

  1. Lucille Austero
    0

    “Why be subtle when you can be Dallas?” Heather, you’re a genius.

  2. Chasmosaur
    0

    I missed this. I need to go see if it’s on Hulu now.

  3. Bree
    0

    Heather, that “Fug the Show” was even more magnificent that J.R.’s eyebrows.

  4. junaitatres
    0

    This was so much fun! I have no interest in watching this show, but I will be tuning in each week for “Fug the Show.”

  5. Lindsey
    0

    Oh this is the best! Thank you!

  6. JessicaAZ
    0

    I am so happy you are fugging this show! I don’t know what made me laugh harder when watching this, JR’s world class eyebrow game or the fact that they had this secret meeting at the FOOTBALL STADIUM!!!

  7. Carol
    0

    I just saw a rerun of the Sue Ellen Mischke/Seinfeld episode recently … she was not only the braless wonder, but also, the heiress to the O. Henry candy fortune!

  8. Lauren
    0

    I thought life was bleak when Ringer was cancelled and would no longer be Fugged. Now that Dallas is on the air I no longer have to despair!

  9. Sarah
    0

    this show fulfills all my late night desires – half naked hot guys, cheesiness, crazy throwbacks to the 80′s and more cheesiness. YES, give me more.

  10. vandalfan
    0

    I am so glad you fugged this. i could not watch because I could not get aboard JR’s eyebrows. I mean, I actually COULD physically get aboard them, with room for a steamer trunk.

  11. fiatluxury
    0

    WHAT HO, indeed. snort!

  12. daisy
    0

    i think bobby’s wife should be named NOT!Pam.

  13. Laura
    0

    Did you know Brenda Strong was in the original Dallas as “Cliffs’s one night stand,” in 1987?

  14. Rosa
    0

    “…knocking on Death’s door without a muffin basket.”
    hahahaha!! Sheer literary genius.

  15. Fat Desdemona
    0

    Heather– I love this post and I hope this shows runs forever just so you can recap it. There are a lot of typos, though!

    (Sorry. My hobby is proofreading and I can’t turn it off. Normally, you guys are so good at that, though.)

    • Heather
      0

      That’s what happens when I have to write something at midnight! No time to proof.

      • Fat Desdemona
        0

        Please don’t think I’m trying to be snarky. I’ve been reading you guys for seven years straight now and you’re just normally so great at proofing.

  16. Trace
    0

    Linda Gray is in her SEVENTIES! I know she’s had a lot of work done but still!

  17. Al
    0

    I didn’t realize how grateful I’d be for the return of Dallas until this moment. Glorious fug-cap.

  18. maryse
    0

    i watched a couple of the original dallas episodes to get ready for new dallas and nothing is as good as a late 70′s television show soundtrack.

    by the way, will you be fugging bunheads?

  19. JENNY
    0

    You just made Dallas better. I did not think that was possible. Bless.

  20. Akit
    0

    I watched it earlier, thought it was rubbish, but now I know you’re fugging it, I’m on it.

  21. romary
    0

    I gasped when John Ross disrespected Miss Elly. Thought Bobby was going to go all Ving Rhames Medevial on him. Loved it. The scheming and quadruple back stabbing? – Hall of Fame baby.

  22. Angela
    0

    This was much more entertaining than the actual episode!

  23. Soapiness
    0

    Surprisingly enoyable

  24. Soapiness
    0

    Loved the recap Heather, when are you the next one? I’m just happy that JR, Sue Ellen and Bobby are back. Cliff is appearing in the next episode, so I’m looking forward to that

  25. Soapiness
    0

    I really hope that hey bring back Pam, because it’s not like she died and her exit was not very satisfying. She could appear out of nowhere in the last episode like Alexis in the season one cliffhanger. Speaking of Dynasty, I really hope that with the success of this one, that they don’t do the same with. I mean Joan Collins is alive and looks great, as many of the others actors but Linda Evans looks weird and butchered her gorgeous looks and Blake is dead.

  26. Soapiness
    0

    As a child from the 80s I grew up watching all the famous soaps, including Dallas. I have all the dvds and I’m just a huge fan. So when they announced they were going to continue the story, I was a little bit nervous that it wouldn’t live up to the awesomeness of the original. I entirely expected them of pulling a 90210 move and using the old cast members as bait. To my surprise the new Dallas ended up being quite enjoyable. Granted it has your typical soap opera story lines but it manages to get pass that and being fun. While it certainly isn’t classic Dallas it manages to live as a show on its own. The second episode was even better, it even had a cliffhanger and a great one

  27. Sajorina
    0

    I love Larry Hagman, but I refuse to get sucked into watching this (soap) show! I’m glad you enjoy it so much, though! Let the fugging begin…

  28. toxxic
    0

    I love Brenda Strong so much! When i was younger there was this really cheesy movie/pilot called Island City that she and the guy from will and grace were in. I watched it over and over till the day our vcr blew up.

  29. Tricia
    0

    Okay – so the last slide made me laugh out loud – nothing like holding a secret meeting in the middle of an NFL stadium’s field – and not any field but the Dallas F’in Cowboys with the largets jumbo-tron in the world! Keep it coming… it can only getter better, by which I mean worse, by which I mean fan-friggin-tastic!

  30. Pouncer
    0

    No lie, I laughed when the football field appeared too. It is SO RANDOM, but incredibly perfect for this show.

    The theme song made me happy. Oh, sweet nostalgia. Interlevened with back-stabbing and oil and affairs, hurrah!

  31. Kitty
    0

    Brenda Strong has got to be Sally. Sally Sasser, her character on Sports Night.

    As in “Now is not the time to dally with Sally.”

    • Kitty
      0

      She will always be Sally to me, just as Ted McGinley will always be Gordon and Teri Polo will never be a Focker, she’ll always be Rebecca.

  32. Janice
    0

    I LOVE that the opening credits are available on YouTube! That was a Sunday tradition in our house. Also, Dallas then looks a LOT like Calgary today.

  33. Tracey
    0

    I am so, so very happy you wrote this. I don’t have cable right now, so I can’t watch it. Thank you!

  34. Amanda
    0

    It didn’t click until I saw the picture of JR and Marta with the champagne glasses, but that actress also played the first Marta in Arrested Development.

  35. lumierette
    0

    “Land Vomit” made me spit out my coffee, I will be sending you the bill for a replacement keyboard.

    Nah, that was awesome… I watched this with my husband the other night (he is a massive fan of anything pertaining to the 80s – i.e. his glory days) and he loved it.
    I love your fug the show more.