Fug the Show: American Idol FINALE! FINALMENTE!

“HOLA LOVERS. I told you. I told you I would wear something shocking and fabuloso, just in case this is my last Lopez Idol and they have to change the name of this to Blige Idol or Gwen Idol or Tom Hanks’s Wife Idol or whatever. (Psst: Do not tell but I will stay if they pay me as much as Britney is getting from Simon Cowell, and also if they build me a bonita glittery disease bubble.) I call this outfit Joan of Arcercise, because on my show here, I am the beautiful young warrior who fights Evil(smith) and looks good in pants and probably also has God’s iPhone number. What, lovers? I need it. He got me out of a jam a few times, like when Marc tried to make my spleen INTO jam. You don’t want to know. Or at least not until I write a book you can buy, lovers.”

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Comments (22):

  1. TonyG

    “Oh, and some boy won and blah blah blah kidney guitar growl blah.”

    That is a perfect description of the finale (especially the many blahs) and captures the ambivalence I felt about the conclusion of American Idol.

  2. Miriam

    Skeeven! and Crotch Balloon! Bwahhhhhahahaha! That CB def was skeeven….

  3. Sue

    Does she even remember she has a couple of kids?

  4. Caroline

    Coincidentally, I read a book over the weekend in which J LO (among other people) vanished in what was presumed to be the Rapture. Maybe she does have a direct line to God.

  5. SKS

    Heather, you are on fire with this. <3 <3 <3

    "HOLA LEGGERS" killed me. :P

  6. Molly

    Does she perform on every episode? Isn’t that kinda beside the point of the thing? I’m glad I never watch this….

    Although Joan of Arcercise was golden!!!

  7. Leah

    The Leftovers!

  8. Holly Hamilton

    As someone who has never watched AI, I can only assume it isn’t as good as this.

  9. Eliza Bennett

    How can she have The Itch when her crotch is that well aerated?

  10. lettucecup

    I was hoping you’d show Fantasia. I literally gasped out loud when I saw her in that HORRIBLE bodysuit with the side seems split wide open. It was unbelievably bad. Does she not have people? And Chaka Khan was no better. Where was Tommy Hilfiger when all these jumpsuit crimes were being committed?

    • Jules

      I gasped when I saw Fantasia too. The hair, the jumpsuit, the singing – the whole thing was horrifically bad.

  11. Amber

    This was maybe my favorite “Hola Lovers” yet. Well played, Heather!

  12. blizzybee

    “Harpoon Shrivelsmith in the blowhole”?!!!!
    Best. Line. Ever. How I heart GFY J.Lo.

  13. Bambi Anne Dear

    How bad do those pantaloons look on JLo? What is she thinking?

    I seriously think Steven Tyler should start doing drag. He’s only a proper shave away from it at the moment.

  14. Edith

    Your J.Lo is so much more entertaining than the real thing. How could she possibly compete with “I make men spin. I could do Marc with one hand, but shhh, that is because he is made of papier mache.” For some reason, it’s the “shhh” that gets me. Hee!

  15. openroses

    You guys are great. But that show looks like a festival of terrible.

  16. Kris

    SKEEVEN!!! You are too much!!!

  17. Moi

    “And then we all sat back and watched Battlefield Earth.”


  18. Lily1214

    You are right. “on my show” —