Fug the Poster: What To Expect When You’re Expecting


I have  a lot to say about this movie. A LOT.

First, it’s ridiculous that they’re making a fictional movie about a book like What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Seriously, WHAT NEXT? An adaptation of The Mayo Clinic Health Book, where everyone DIES at the end? A thrilling movie based on The Vegetable Gardener’s Bible?  A moving rom-com version of The Secret? (Actually, that one kind of makes sense.) THERE ARE NO CHARACTERS IN THAT BOOK. THAT BOOK IS ABOUT WHAT VEGETABLE YOUR FETUS MOST RESEMBLES IN SIZE. And before you pronounce me a baby-hater: au contraire, friend. I LOVE me some babies. No one is more excited about your pending joyous arrival than I am! No one is more excited to chat up your belly and buy you diaper cream and talk about baby names and change your baby’s diapers and smell their sweet little heads than I am. BABY IT UP. But this is absurd. Leaving aside the fact that the trailer makes me want to kill someone — in short, it’s all Womenz Be Crazy, Men Let Their Babies Eat Cigarette Butts — they SERIOUSLY couldn’t manage to get all these women in the room at the same time for the benefit of this poster? Hola Lovers over there is a shot lifted from outtakes of Maid in Manhattan. Anna Kendrick’s head just got cut out of a scene from Twilight and zapped into someone else’s not-actually-pregnant body, which was then, like, zapped through that window and forced to cower behind a sofa. Elizabeth Banks is currently plotting the bloody gruesome death of whoever approved that  particular shot of her, and I don’t even know who that IS behind Cameron Diaz back there. And my WHOLE JOB is about identifying celebrities by seeing the side of their heads while they run past me at Fashion Week! Leaving aside that one time Heather and I thought we saw Gwyneth Paltrow and it turned out to be a dude, I AM SKILLED AT THIS VERY SPECIFIC THING. And yet I have NO IDEA who that is. Brooklyn Decker? Brooklyn, you need to call someone and talk about this. In fact, everyone needs to call everyone and talk about ALL OF THIS because I have never seen a poster where clearly every single woman was Photoshopped in from something else and that is counting everything that Sex and the City ever touched. (PS: I kind of miss you, Carrie Bradshaw.) STOP THE MADNESS, WHAT TO EXPECT, YOU’RE MAKING MY HEAD HURT.

react:
Leave a reply

Comments (85):

  1. Carrie
    0

    Is this movie even about the ladies? Because every trailer I see features the men. I didn’t even know Cameron Diaz was in this until this post.

    • Rachel
      0

      I KNOW! I saw a trailer for this the other day, vaguely familiar with the fact that it starred a bunch of a famous women, and none of them were even in the trailer! No JLo, No Cameron, no one (maybe Brooklyn Decker’s boobs made an appearance–I’m not even sure). I’m assuming they’re going for a male audience, but come on! A movie based on a pregnancy guide? This is not going to be a crossover hit.

  2. Jessica
    0

    Apparently what you can expect from this movie is motion sickness from watching women walk around on variously tilted surfaces.

  3. Billie
    0

    Would it kill them to make them look realistically pregnant? I mean, come on. At least Katherine Heigl was believably pregnant in Knocked Up. These are the worst prosthetic bellies ever.

  4. Emily
    0

    I totally thought Lizzy Banks was Busy Phillips, and I was like Damn, she is EVERYWHERE lately!

  5. Kristen from MA
    0

    Am I surprised that JLo has a flat belly for the movie poster? No, I am not.

    • Jessica
      0

      I think her character might be adopting? Anytime someone starts talking about this movie, I star screaming LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUUUUUU.

      • Laucie
        0

        I hope this hideous poster will serve as a PSA to warn the intended audience away from this impending disaster

  6. Annie E
    0

    PREACH.

  7. Chicklet
    0

    If the poster is this much of a train wreck, the movie itself might cause the universe to collapse in on itself. I’d better get to the items on my bucket list. (#1: Jeremy Renner. #2: Go to Paris. Etc., etc.)

    • taylor
      0

      You’re right! The movie looks AWFUL. But have fun with your bucket list–it sounds great (esp. the Jeremy Renner part).

    • Regina
      0

      HA! I love that your #1 is a name. I think this is why we all get along here. Most of our bucket lists involve names in the first few slots.

    • mary lou bethune
      0

      Do not forget: slap these women, slap whoever green lighted this.

    • Kara
      0

      I will fight you for Jeremy Renner. While you are in Paris (you should totally go there, it’s wonderful), I will be pressing up on Mr. Renner. ;)

  8. The Reset
    0

    I thought Brooklyn up there was Reece Witherspoon for a minute.

  9. AnnieA
    0

    Coming soon to to a theatre near you: “The Vegetables of Canada”! A taut psychological drama, no doubt…

  10. Crystal
    0

    Elizabeth Banks is always pregnant on screen. Scrubs? 30 Rock? The aforementioned trainwreck?

    • Chasmosaur
      0

      But not The Hunger Games, thank God.

      A pregnant Effie Trinket would have been all sorts of wrong.

      • Kayla
        0

        Also not in Zach and Miri Make a Porno. Because y’know … that’s not okay.

      • Crystal
        0

        Effie would have given birth to a disco ball that would have to compete in the 90th Hunger Games.

  11. Erika
    0

    The Vegetable Gardner’s Bible would be a five-star blockbuster compared to this thing. I just started seeing ads for it – straight to DVD would be too much to hope for, right?

  12. Eliza Bennett
    0

    Just be glad ol’ Carri Bradshaw isn’t IN this. That WOULD make the world explode.

  13. amys
    0

    I can’t even look at Elizabeth Banks and how she was posed. Poor thing. Luckily, I can’t help but fixate on the bright light emanating from Anna’s shoulder (CarolAnn–stay away from the liiiight…) I wonder who art directed this mess of a poster.

  14. theotherjennifer
    0

    and who is the intended audience? Cause I”ll tell you – I don’t know one pregnant women who looks or looked *anything* like these actresses and no 8 month pregnant woman is going to go to this movie and not end up throwing a ginormous crying angry fit about how unfair it all is….

    • S
      0

      Being that I am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant, this poster makes me want to light something on fire.

      I blame He’s Just Not That Into You (great book, horrible movie.)

      • Kat
        0

        Girl, you’re 8 1/2 months pregnant, you DESERVE to light something on fire! Maybe something ugly from your mother in law?

      • Jennie-Suz
        0

        Ahhhh, YES! I also blame He’s Just Not That Into You. I was draaaaagged to that movie kicking and screaming and spent the entire time in the theater muttering under my breath, “I’m just not that into THIS!”

        By the way, girl, I’m with you. I’m no longer pregnant and still want to light something on fire every time I see this movie trailer.

  15. Amanda
    0

    That is the best review of a movie poster ever! Before I read it I looked over the picture and placed all of those actresses except Brooklyn. I was thinking “Who is that? I’ve never seen her before.”

    Also, Cameron’s character looks super annoying in this movie. Like, I don’t want to watch it just because of that.

  16. Louise
    0

    The best thing about this poster is Anna Kendrick’s expression. Her character is clearly an undercover spy planted among all these pregnant women, wondering how she got stuck with THIS particular assignment, and trying to figure out which one of her superiors to assassinate first.

  17. vandalfan
    0

    You’re sh*tting me. They made THAT book into a movie? What, seriously? What’s next, the Spokane Valley phone book? Filled with Dutch angles, no doubt.

  18. mary lou bethune
    0

    Someone got paid to make this 25 year old book into a movie and someone got paid to make this ridiculous poster? People in HOllywood are preposterous phonies… is the only explanation…..

  19. Katty McNiley Ripley
    0

    Q: You know what you can expect from the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” movie?
    A: A massive trainwreck and a even massive box-office flop.

    Are we sure Garry Marshall isn’t behind this?

  20. MoxyCrimeFighter
    0

    Mean Girls was based on a non-fiction book of a similar genre (Queen Bees and Wannabes), so it can be done successfully because obviously Mean Girls is the best movie of the aughts. But this looks like ass and I don’t understand how any of these women (except Brooklyn Decker) were convinced it was a good idea.

  21. Kara
    0

    I thought Brooklyn was Adrienne Palicki and this made me sad, because while I know we all have bills to pay (boy, do I know that), Tyra Colette should be above this shit.

    But ALL of these women should be above this shit! This shit looks terrible! This shit looks like shit! The trailer is the most inane thing I have seen at the movies in a very long time, and I see a lot of movies. I cannot believe this thing got green-lit. Nobody go see it. Really. Don’t even see it “ironically,” because studios don’t classify money in terms of “ironic” and “genuine.” The only fun thing about this poster is figuring out what other movie J.Lo’s photo was pulled from – I was actually thinking Enough, but then I remembered she had on that terrible wig in that movie.

    • Summer
      0

      Unfortunately Tyra Collette is going to be in the new G.I. Joe movie, so I don’t think she’s above making shit movies…
      But agreed, this movie looks completely horrible. It will probably make millions anyway! They keep making these shitty, star-filled movies, like Valentine’s Day and He’s Just Not That Into You and people keep going to see them!

  22. Jaclyn
    0

    The poster for Friends with Kids was similarly photoshopped, to terribly hilarious (terriblarious?) effect: http://www.filmofilia.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/friends_with_kids.jpg It looks like a poster for Hot People with Aspergers, which would be a very different movie indeed.

    • Scanderoon
      0

      That… that poster is an actual thing? That people actually made thinking it would actually promote a movie?
      ?????!?
      I have no words.

    • Kara
      0

      What are they all looking at??

    • Nancy
      0

      Wow. Just, wow. Thank you for making me choke on my cup of tea, Jaclyn! That poster is truly something to behold.

    • Eliza Bennett
      0

      I would watch hot people with Asperger’s. That could be a really cool documentary.

    • Diana
      0

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHA O-M-G Hot People with Aspergers, YES!! This is SO sad! They tried to make them look like they are sitting at a table together! WHY!?! What a monumental failure

  23. Derreck
    0

    “Leaving aside that one time Heather and I thought we saw Gwyneth Paltrow and it turned out to be a dude”

    Um, is there more to that little nugget? because that is HILARIOUS.

  24. Jessica
    0

    Oh this is so bad! But I still think the New Year’s Eve poster was worse!

  25. Corey
    0

    First, how is this movie not called Labor Day?

    Second, have you seen the tag line on the poster?: “It’s too late to pull out now.” EW.

  26. meggiemoo
    0

    What I don’t understand about terrible movie posters (and there are SO MANY), is this:

    Presumably, they had all of these actresses on set at the same time at some point. Could they not have scheduled a nice photo shoot at that time? The poor graphic designers (of which I am one, so I can just imagine this type of request) were probably told, “Yeah, so just try to find stock footage of each of them and then, I don’t know, make them all fit into the same room. You know, Photoshop it!”

    Photoshop is just a software program. It isn’t magic.

  27. yeahandalso
    0

    it IS Brooklyn Decker, but it is OK you didn’t recognize her. She is like the beautiful version of Anne/Bland/Egg from Arrested Development, it’s like she doesn’t have a face.

    • jerkygirl
      0

      I can never recognize her either!!! It always takes me a few tries to figure out that it’s her. One day I think she’s Reese Witherspoon, another day I think she’s the actress who played Mulva on Seinfeld, today I just think ??? until I’m told who she is. Also, I can never tell the difference between Julie Bowen and Elizabeth Banks, although I “think” I may be getting better at that one.

      Re: the post–I am snorting and snorting with hysterical laughter and if I’d been drinking anything, I’m pretty sure I’d have done several spit-takes throughout this post. “BABY IT UP” lol rotfl oh my goodness :D :D :D

  28. Veronica
    0

    I just can’t even get over the fact that this is a movie to care about how horrible it is.

  29. Halo
    0

    This is the successor to the equally stupid, “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Which was also a nonfiction guide for the stupid that somehow begat a rom-com of boringness.

  30. Poppy
    0

    LOL ladies you are on fire! Your last few posts were quirky and hilarious

  31. Sajorina
    0

    You know what? Ew! Posters are so important to me during my movies I’d like to see decision making… This one is more than uninspired & unappealing, it is embarrassing for all those featured in it! I feel sorry for their beautiful, rich selves! That poster does nothing for me, so I know the movie won’t either! FUG!!!

  32. fritanga
    0

    Ha ha ha, this looks like a Desperate Housewives promo photo!

  33. Clarisse
    0

    Sorry but the idea that everyone goes nuts and hormonal when they are pregnant does not make me want to have babies-ever. Or get fat. Or go see that movie for that matter.

    http://www.ramblingmuse.com

  34. witjunkie
    0

    If they were going to do a pregnancy manual, they should have done the Girlfriends Guide because that one was at least funny. I still use the term “tittie fairy”.

    • Emily
      0

      Yeah, I didn’t even like What to Expect the book. Too upsetting! Everything I like in my whole life = not okay for baby! It’s a horrible book. And although I really like Elizabeth Banks and Anna Kendrick (Camp FTW), this looks like a horrible movie.

  35. Carolina Girl
    0

    If they were really going to adapt the book, the movie would be a horror story instead of a comedy. That book scared the bejeesus out of me to the point that my OBGYN confiscated it.

  36. Tony
    0

    I love the bright spotlight in the window behind Anna Kendrick as if some UFO is hovering outside the window ready to abduct the lot of them never to be seen again (one can only hope).

  37. Dazie
    0

    You know who thought this movie and accompanying poster would be a good idea? The same “marketing team” *cough cough* that came up with that “Have a happy period!” crap for Always maxi pads a few years back.

    In other words- people who never have been, nor ever will be:
    1) female
    2) pregnant
    3) hormonal
    4) smart

  38. The Diving Belle
    0

    and what REALLY annoyed me? apparently, only white blonde wimmens have babies!

  39. Sonya
    0

    This movie does look so awful and I am ashamed that I watched the trailer just so I could cringe at it. But this poster takes the cake, wtf?
    Chris Rock is in this movie too, maybe in a very small part but still, why? He is a comedian, how is this movie a comedy?

  40. Chaiaiai
    0

    The only reason I am loving the idea that this movie was made is the thought of HOLA LOVERS giving parenting advice whilst on-set. Can you imagine?

    Otherwise, yes, who is that blonde? And did Anna Kendrick just get beamed in from a Charmed episode?

  41. ELizabeth Crane
    0

    They missed the lesson from “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

  42. Amanda in Austin
    0

    This post deserves a Pulitzer, an Emmy, an Oscar, a Tony, a Nobel Peace Prize, a Grammy, and an MTV moon man. SO AWESOMESAUCE!!!

  43. Shiitake
    0

    The vaginal rejuvenation scenes will be well worth the ticket price.

  44. Girlin
    0

    Hilarious! A case of too many ego’s not enough room…’Hola Lovers’..never fails to make me giggle!
    This movie looks worse than New Years Eve and Valentine’s Day combined….

  45. Gina
    0

    Actually, Mean Girls is based on the non-fiction book Queen Bees and Wannabes. Don’t hate on fictional movies based on non-fiction books!

  46. Jenna
    0

    Both the movie and the poster look TERRIBLE. However, I am counting on this movie appealing to a certain demographic and Anna Kendrick bringing in some serious cash for my Fantasy Film League movie.

  47. Lina
    0

    I haven’t seen any ads for this (thank god) but there is something sooo off-putting and vaguely insulting about this poster.

  48. Kiki
    0

    I just can’t take Brooklyn Decker as an actress. I mean, did someone one day thought “oh my God, this girl is soooo talented, let’s find her movie roles, yay!”?! No. She made a career for having big boobs, plain and simple. I can’t get down with that.

  49. Diana
    0

    This makes me so angry it’s almost not funny. This is INSULTING. It is idiotic. I want to punch something after knowing this poster and movie exist.

  50. tuttle88
    0

    If this actually was a movie based on the book I’d go see it. I want all these celebrities sitting in some classroom at a hospital bring read shit about avoiding sushi by a bored nurse.