Fug the Poster: Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2


In which we learn it’s impossible to take a picture of three people running toward camera without them looking super weird and awkward. But not as super weird and awkward as a poster of Kristen Stewart and R Pattz canoodling given the uncertainty of their Epic Love, so CONGRATULATIONS, Lionsgate and Summit! PS: I have NO IDEA who that dude is behind R Pattz, and I’ve seen all the movies. He looks vaguely like Colin Farrell, so I’ve decided that some time last summer, Colin Farrell and Michael Sheen got wicked drunk together and Sheen convinced Farrell to take a minor yet pivotal role in the final Twilight movie, and his part as  — from what I can tell from his costume — a feral Seattle DJ really just took on a life of its own. I mean, listen: they have about twenty minutes of book-action left to cover in this movie, so you know they had to make up about 75% of the plot. Why NOT Colin Farrell as DJ Chaz MountainMan, a wily human who totally seduces Edward with his smooth mash-ups of olde timey 1930s love songs and the latest house music?

Or, you know, maybe it’s Jackson Rathbone and his wig is just REALLY EXTRA TERRIBLE in this one. Either works for me.

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Comments (75):

  1. Kit
    0

    And also, for people who are apparently running for their lives, don’t they seem to be awfully relaxed about it?

    P.S. “feral Seattle DJ” is my favourite thing today. I’m going to find a way to work it into every conversation if I can, which should be extra amusing as I am in law. :D

    • Jane
      0

      Are not all Seattle DJs slightly feral?

      R. Pattz looks like his joints haven’t been oiled. And heck if I can recall any point in that book where they all ran for their lives. How I remember it, they all stood around in a field, glaring at each other, and talked. Then they went home.

      • Kit
        0

        LMAO! I haven’t read the books so I didn’t know. Hilarious!

        • Laura
          0

          I’m sad that I know this, but yep, all they do is stand around and talk–no running, no fighting. I think they must have added action into the movie to make it somewhat interesting, because NOTHING HAPPENS at the end of that book.

  2. Ashley
    0

    I think that’s Lee Pace behind RPattz. I’m vaguely aware that’s he’s in this last movie, but I have no idea what part he’s playing.

  3. Abbey Road
    0

    No mention of her horrific pants? Even if those are actually a thing that is happening, which I fear, they’re also suuuuuper unflattering and will be sad and dated within about 5 minutes.

    • Breda
      0

      I’m going to assume/pretend that it’s reinforced knees/calves to prevent her from shredding her pants while running at vampire speeds. This is probably way more thought than actually went into selecting her pants, but hey. (I would need those if I were a vampire. Every time I run on dirt, I come back with my calves striped from the opposite foot.)

      • LondonFug79
        0

        Seriously, it looks like she’s wearing jodhpurs. What is she preparing to ride Taylor Lautner in wolf form?

  4. Allison
    0

    Oh, this is so embarrassing, but I know exactly who that is. The character is named Garret, and he’s a nomad vampire. You couldn’t know about him from the movies because he hasn’t been in any of them until now. He’s in the Breaking Dawn book and I know who he is because I heard that Lee Pace was going to be in Breaking Dawn 2 and playing Garret and I was like, “Lee Pace! Dammit, now I have to see this train-wreck of a movie. Aaaahhhh!”

    So, that’s how I know who that character is. I know who Lee Pace is because Pushing Daisies is one of the best things ever made (and also pretty sartorially sweet, I’m sure you ladies would agree.) Pushing Daisies! Never forget.

    • Jessica
      0

      Wow, Lee Pace is UNRECOGNIZABLE with a ‘stache.

      • Miss Tee
        0

        Wow. Yes. He looks………………different.

        I loved that show! And I REALLY loved the pie maker. Siiiggghhh

        • CranAppleSnapple
          0

          He was nice in Wonderfalls too, as Jaye’s brother. That was a lovely tv show, and is available on dvd. :)

    • Jane
      0

      No shame. I knew who it was too. I don’t judge. Pushing Daisies was awwwwwwwwwesome, and Lee Pace is on my list of men I hope to someday marry possibly.

      • Allison
        0

        I will throw down with you for him.

        • Hermione
          0

          Oh, it is on! Lee Pace tops my list! (But what did they do to him here!?)

      • Other Emily
        0

        Putting Pushing Dasies aside, have you seen him in “Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day?” SOOOOO cute and charming. This poster is an abomination.

        • Jane
          0

          YES! He is dreamy to the MAX in Miss Pettrigrew. I mean, he has a British accent and plays piano. Swoon.

    • TereLiz
      0

      Christ on a sparkly saltine, THAT is the PIEMAKER? What happened? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

    • J
      0

      I miss “Pushing Daisies” SO much!

  5. Willow
    0

    I’ve started to ship Bella and those jean-jodhpurs.

  6. Stella
    0

    I LOVE how bored DJ Chaz MountainMan looks.

  7. Liz
    0

    I do believe the man behind R Pattz is Lee Pace, lately of Pushing Daisies.

  8. Anna
    0

    I think the guy behind R Pattz is supposed to be Lee Pace?

  9. Allison
    0

    I believe that feral Seattle DJ is Lee Pace!

  10. Breda
    0

    So, can we all just reroute this comments section into a discussion of how awesome Pushing Daisies is/was, and how much we’re all in love with Lee Pace? Because that would mitigate some of the horror here.

    • Patrice
      0

      Pushing Daisies IS awesome, and Lee Pace IS totally dreamy. I’ve loved him since back in Wonderfalls. Sigh.

      • Sondra
        0

        *wistful sigh*, Lee Pace. I watched Pushing Daisies on Netflix or Hulu or something a few years ago when my now husband and I were doing the whole long distance thing. It was comforting to come home from work and have dinner with that show. I need to go back and watch it again.

  11. mary lou bethune
    0

    Yawn… and I bet those .jr. actors are pretty bored, too. I bet they wish they could wish the next few months away.. cash the checks and move on.

  12. Kate
    0

    I vote for the first option. I would SO watch Colin Farrell as DJ Chaz MountainMan.

    • Chicklet
      0

      I, too, would watch the hell out of Colin Farrell as DJ Chaz MountainMan. Hollywood, get working on that.

  13. Stefanie
    0

    This bad. REALLY REALLY bad.

    Maybe they’re hoping to distract from how bad this last movie will actually be. But you know I’ll see it so why am I even bothering playing it off like I wont…

  14. Eli
    0

    I am glad that this is the last movie and I will never again have to hear about these movies. Freaking Entertainment Weekly may as well call it Twilight Weekly based on the number of covers and stories it dedicates to it.

  15. Sandra
    0

    Are you entirely certain that somebody didn’t just kife this off of the CDC’s Zombie Apocalypse website? Go to http://wwwn.cdc.gov/pubs/phpr.aspx and look for yourselves.

    • :paula
      0

      Holy crap – somebody at the CDC has a sense of humor? And this is the first I’m hearing about it?

  16. Erin
    0

    Lee Pace, why are you in Twilight? YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN FERAL SEATTLE DJ!!!

  17. PeggyO
    0

    The creator of this poster should be fired. With extreme prejudice. I dislike Twilight and all things proximate to it, but even I think the actors and the movie deserve better than this travesty. It looks like something done over at Cracked.com.

  18. derpshooter
    0

    well, it’s october, so maybe they are running for breast cancer? got to save those immortal boobies!

  19. Megan
    0

    Does anyone else think RPatz look like he’s racewalking (“poop walking” if you read Deadspin)? The other two look like they’re actually running for their lives, but he’s all “Lemme just power walk away from the bad guys while listening to Kenny Loggins on my Walkman.”

    • Fat Desdemona
      0

      I’m dying! I’m picturing him listening to “I’m All Right” and I’m dying. You’ve killed me.

  20. Heather
    0

    Plus, what of the dogs? Is this a movie about dogsledders on the Alaskan tundra? Why is the cute-but-dumb-dude (can’t remember his name, the one on the right) wearing a t-shirt in the snow? Do their shoes have some kind of built-in traction devices? Where are their Yaktracks? This makes no sense, visually.

  21. amys
    0

    Is the woman on the far right showing a lot of cleavage for the “weather” or is it my monitor? Feral Seattle DJ looks like he might stride off to go swashbuckling when his shift is over. Best dressed are definitely the fuzzy wolves, awww.

    • Breda
      0

      I’m not POSITIVE, but I think that’s her hand (flung up in Running Pose), not her cleavage. But the photo isn’t hi-def enough to be sure.

      • Libby
        0

        I love that the comments are making me go back up and look at this monstrosity because I missed so much the first 3 times. LOL

  22. Jules
    0

    I hope part of the made up plot is a snowy 5k.

  23. vandalfan
    0

    I think they’re dancing, rather than running? They don’t seem all that concerned. It kind of looks like they have been rendered in “Anime”, you know, they sent in their photos to be turned into cartoons, like the ads that sometimes pop up on my margin.

  24. TonyG
    0

    R.Pattz looks like he’s in the middle of the back step on a cha-cha dance move.

    K.Stew looks like she’s practicing for a remake of Baywatch.

    Taylor looks like he’s trying too hard to concentrate (as if running while “acting” is really, really hard).

    • jenny
      0

      I just want to cut in here and say that the last 10 or so comments about their running style are FANTASTIC.

  25. Mary
    0

    Why is she wearing jodhpurs? Is she going to take up show jumping during this movie? That would be a definite change. Also I think horses might have problems with vampires, even if they are the kind of “vegetarian” that only eats endangered large predators.

  26. Morgan R.
    0

    OH MY GOD, LEE PACE. LEE PACE, NO. Please don’t be DJ Chaz MountainMan. Won’t someone please bring back Pushing Daisies so I can forget about all this?

  27. Joey
    0

    This is absolutely the most ridiculous movie poster I have ever seen. It’s worse than the “Sex and the City 2″ poster. I mean, I’ve read the book (regretfully) and *semi-spoilers* this poster makes no sense in the context of the nonsense I read. Although perhaps I am remembering incorrectly but I recall a lot of hanging around, worrying about stuff. I don’t remember running.

    Anyway, Lee Pace is one of the most gloriously good looking men to have ever blessed my eyes. I cannot believe what they have his wearing/doing on this poster. I can’t even.

    • Fat Desdemona
      0

      I heartily disagree. At least someone put effort into this poster. The New Year’s Eve poster was just a series of pictures of the actors taken from random sources artfully placed over some clip art. That thing was an abortion. This poster is just stupid as all hell.

  28. oliviacw
    0

    “Ok everyone, now pretend like you are running!” Although really, this is one of those heavily photoshopped composites – none of these people were even in the same room at the same time wearing any of this clothing when their photos were taken. In fact, some of the faces may have been lifted from photos posted on Go Fug Yourself. [Sadly, not snark.]

  29. Ladyblahblah
    0

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if Breaking Dawn Part 2 was a satire of the other Twilight movies? That could explain the poster and is the only plausible reason that this thing shouldn’t be released direct to DVD.

    P.S. On behalf of we, the citizens of Seattle, no one has dressed like that guy on the left since the previous millennium. Honestly, we are by and large horribly dressed, but don’t wear flannel (fleece, sadly, yes) and mostly bathe every day.

  30. Nora
    0

    Wow this is a real poster and not a fan created homage to the next movie?!? Whoa! I really went straight from this post to Photoshop Disasters to see if it had shown up yet on that website yet as a post (answer – not yet but I am sure it is coming) this is just terrible!

  31. Suzanna
    0

    I saw the preview last weekend– my friend and I turned to each other and a) laughed and b) said yeah, we’re definitely not seeing this movie. And this poster just reiterates that sentiment!

  32. Dani
    0

    Poor Lee. I love him so, but this is just so, so, so bad. BTW, for all of you Lee Pace lovers out there, check out the film “The Fall.” Slightly cheesy, but visually gorgeous. Lee is adorable and heartbreaking in it.

    • TereLiz
      0

      The Fall may be slightly cheesy, but you’re right, it really is a beautiful movie. And there is no way it will be as cheesy as this hunk of stale gouda is going to be.

    • Rachel
      0

      I love that movie!

  33. jean
    0

    Okay, only Jacob looks reasonably comfortable with the running towards camera. Worst photoshopped poster ever! You can barely see the wolves! And where’s the vampire child? I would have had her front and center, a la Flowers in the Attic (there’s something about the child actress that looks very VC Andrews to me).

  34. Ladyblahblah
    0

    Wouldn’t it be awesome if this movie was a satire of the other Twilight movies? That would explain the poster and be the only plausible reason that it wouldn’t be released straight to DVD.

    P.S. On behalf of the citizens of Seattle, I can tell you that no one has dressed like Guy on the Left since the previous millennium. Honestly, we are by and large horribly dressed, but we don’t wear flannel (fleece, sadly, yes) and we mostly bathe every day.

  35. Jamie
    0

    Hilarious. You really nailed this one! :)

  36. Katharine
    0

    +1 on this entire thread. It almost makes up for the existence of the Twilight franchise in the first place. (Well, that and the lovingly hand-felted Fetal Renesmee In The Dark Womb that I saw on Regretsy.)

    • Heather
      0

      It’s scary to think of how many babies will be born to 15-year-old girls and named Renesmee.

  37. D
    0

    THE EPIC FINALE THAT WILL LIVE FOREVER*

    (* In the $5.99 DVD rummage bin at Walmart)

  38. Chrissy
    0

    They should have made the last book one movie, and even then I really hated the last book. The “Part 1″ movie dragged on and on and I don’t see either how there is enough material for a Part 2. I just wish they’d get it over with already, cause I’m tired of hearing about everyone involved.

  39. jen
    0

    OMG, this is all bringing back how distraught I was that they canceled Pushing Daisies. And I never got to see the last one so I’ll always wonder wonder if they touched, did she die again, did their love break the spell?!!! (Yes, I know I can watch it on netflix or whatever, but I just want to create my own ending to it because it was such a cute show with fantastic colors and Kristen Chenowith!). Damn the networks and the american public who just want to watch 2 and a half men.

    • Breda
      0

      Ooh, no, watch it! The last episode is actually brilliant, and works equally well as an open-ended finale for the series and as a game-changer that makes you wish the show had continued. I think they saw the writing on the wall and wrote an episode that would work, and it’s lovely.

  40. amy b.s.
    0

    this poster is seriously terrible. and i too am trying to figure out who the hell that person is on the left.

  41. Sara
    0

    Oh my lord. Lee Pace. Noooooooooooo :(

  42. Rachel
    0

    That guy is Lee Pace of “Pushing Daisies” fame. He looks like a rebel santa elf in the poster, which is sad because he’s usually hot.

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  44. Adele Skyfall
    0

    can’t waaaaaaaittttt!!