Fug the Kard: Kardashian Christmas

I didn’t think it was possible, but it seems the Kardashians have topped last year’s ridiculous holiday card. BEHOLD:

WHO SENDS OUT A HOLIDAY CARD LIKE THIS? For one thing, this lacks any semblance of cheer (the sequins don’t count; also, way to go, Kris, in allowing yourself to be the only person in color, but the color in question is close enough to the wall that you almost look like a floating head; appropriate, perhaps, for the Great and Powerful Oz of this particular family). Additionally, the fact that everyone in the family is wearing a bow tie does not make you guys look boss, it makes you look like a family full of maitre d’s. The additional fact that NONE OF YOU are making eye contact with each other — not even with THE SMALL CHILD ABOUT TO TUMBLE DOWN THE STAIRS — makes you look like asshole maitre d’s, as well as people who hate each other on general principle. And listen, I get that a lot of people are crabby during the holidays, but we FAKE IT. We don’t send out a card that basically says, “We’re probably all trying to poison each other MERRY CHRISTMAS.”

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Comments (105):

  1. Bella

    Disgusting people.

  2. Billie

    I cannot stand this clan. But, I will say, at least Khloe parted her hair on the side for once. She (and the other two sisters) really need to drop the awful deep center part.

    • anonymoose

      brava on the side part love (and to noting the unflatteringness of the deep center part!)

  3. Willow

    As much as I hate them, and I really do, I do kind of wish I had the funds to send out a mafia-esque Christmas card.

    My son could totally be the decapitated horse.

  4. Lynne

    Were any of them in the same room when this was taken? This card is hilarious and depressing all at once and is there any way we can convince the Arquette family to recreate this photo for their holiday card? Please oh please?

  5. Sissi

    Boob cupcake arches?

    In all seriousness, I’m very excited about Lamar Odom going to Dallas. That will be the team to watch. Khloe better not whine; she’ll love the shopping there.

    • Karen

      My first thought as well!

      How bizarre that a family known for their butts would take a photo in front of three giant nipply breasts.

      They really do look like something out of a soap opera where everyone is trying to kill everyone else.

    • Breda

      Oh, I saw bell jars! I seriously thought they were all supposed to be under glass domes for a minute there, and couldn’t decide if I thought that was amazingly prescient of them or weirdly self-aggrandizing. (Or just dramatic irony?) And then I realized some of them were standing BETWEEN the bell jars, and then I realized they were columns, and I was sad.

  6. annie

    So did they photoshop Kris Humphries out and replace him with the pillar?

    • Big Noise

      Is there a difference between Kris Humphries and the pillar? They both look stone-faced to me. Ha!

    • ajmcgill

      I was thinking the same thing. Poor Kris H. He never had a chance or a clue.

  7. Carol Hackler

    Sissi – I’m totally with you – boob cupcake arches????

  8. Libby

    It’s like they think they live in some sort of night time soap – Dynasty-land, perhaps?
    I’ll take tacky Christmas sweaters and too much detail about little Madison’s ballet recitals and Hunter’s science project over this cold mess.

  9. Anne B

    Seriously. As Willow said, this looks like the answer to one of those seasonal posters HBO used to release for The Sopranos (“no, we put Big Pussy in the water but grabbing the boat, because he’s dead“), only featuring the family that most likely slaughtered Tony, Carmela, A.J. and Meadow while they were all in that diner.

    Still, I love how they’ve posed that little kid. They’re clearly planning to have him whack someone in the first episode.

  10. Coco

    I’ll bet Kris Humphries was photoshopped either out of the chair, or out and replaced by the chair. It looks too random.

    • Annie E

      He was probably behind Kim, in front of that pillar but not blocking Lamar. As it is, I love the way it is now, where Kim looks like she came up with the concept of being a strong single woman.

  11. GigiNYC

    To whom exactly are they sending out these cards? To the press, to their fans, to the world? I don’t understand. And what is that backdrop? A bastardized Taj Mahal Lite? Whatever it is, it looks cheap, as does the entire despicable clan. They suck so hard.

  12. TonyG

    That tiny Kardashian (how odd, yet cute, is he) reminds me of Pubbert Adams — the baby from the movie Addams Family Values (see picture of said Addams kid here: http://gallery.costumekingdom.com/images/medialibrary/resizelarge/FF0B2DC54EF1DF6567C7D123C919A8D5_486w.jpg)

    • Kayleigh Quate

      EXACTLY what I thought, TonyG! All he needs is a tiny mustache. Which would actually look rather sharp with his tiny suit.

    • Beth C

      Hahahahahaha Pubert! Yes he does. Also odd that he hasn’t seem to have grown since last year’s pic. He looks like the exact same height to me. Have the Kardashblahblahs spawned a…. little person???! Dun dun dun! Fits right in with the soap opera theme!

      Also Bruce looks like he’s trying to pose in a debonair manner, but couldn’t get the legs right!

  13. Laucie

    Brrr. That’s a whole lot of chilly (and Fug.)

  14. Annie E

    What? No one loves this? I think it is just so fantastic and over-the-top and ridiculous.

    • Jeneric

      I’m with you Annie E! I think this is hilarious. I totally get the Kardashian hate and all that but I think they’re kind of funny, as in, they’re funny because they exist kind of way. And because they do things like this.

    • Chrissy Cunningham

      I’m with you Annie, I think these people have the ability to make fun of themselves, but keep it fairly “dry” so you’d hardly notice

      • GingerLover

        Oh Chrissy, I really hope they don’t have the ability to make fun of themselves, because if so, I’d have to like them. If this is knowingly as hilarious as I find it then it’s sheer genuis.
        What’s her fug in the weird format shorts and chap side thingys is like NINE feet tall. It’s am-azing.
        I’m sure this was photoshopped, but I’m not sure Hump was taken out – I really don’t think there is room for him.
        Other than the unbelievable plastic Gold ad, this is the K’s finest hour.
        I LOVE IT!

    • Anne B

      Hilarious, yes. Inspiration-for-next-year’s-extended-family photo, yes.

      I am totally sending this idea to my siblings. :)

    • Sarah

      I think it’s A-mah-zing!

    • N'awlins Darlin'

      I dig it in its ridiculousness. It’s way better than those “cute” newsletters people insist on tucking into their Christmas cards.

    • Miranda

      I am with you on this!

  15. Gigi

    What is going on with one of the younger K. Jenner girls? Is that an overlay wrap skirt slash taffeta side chaps with under-bike shorts?

  16. Stella

    I love this card. It’s so over the top ridicules. I don’t believe that they are taking this as seriously as some of the card’s detractors. Perhaps I like it because my siblings and I often take posed pictures where we all stare thoughtfully into the middle distance. You should all try it it’s fun!

  17. marlie

    I totally thought that all of the photos were taken separately and then photoshopped together. There’s no other reason why they ALL look like they’re the only one in the picture.

    And is it too mean to say that even the baby looks douche-y? And kids can get away with ANYTHING.

  18. jjdaddyo

    This is like Addams Family meets Dynasty.

  19. Big Noise

    Dear God in Heaven, is Kourtney wearing black sheer ankle socks/hose?

  20. Dani

    I am reasonably sure that Khloe is heaps taller than her mum (and her legs look very weird here) and they’ve put Kim’s ass on the other one who’s name I can never remember. The one with the kid…

  21. theotherjennifer

    Wonder if they photoshopped out the Humph – if he was on the other side of the pillar from Lamar…. it’s so absolutely trashy. How can these young ladies stand their mom? And WTH are they all looking at in the distance? Don’t tell me it’s the Star of Bethlehem holding their captive gazes. And whoever said the baby is douchey too is spot on.

  22. Elizabeth

    I’m glad they saw fit to promote safe sex by posing in front of giant condoms.

  23. Jessica

    I love that I can’t get it to pop up in any way that works where Scott Disick ISN’T under the ad for the Young and the Restless. Sorry, Scott. I’d work harder to fix it, but I find it kind of amusing.

  24. kate

    K. Humphries shopped out…that was my first thought. Looks like Lamar might have been looking at him? Why is Lamar just looking off at nothing?

  25. Melissa

    It’s 3D!

  26. Infoqueen

    Merry Christmas from the Borgias.

  27. Tara Misu

    Make. Them. Go. Away.

    With that said, I find this quite amusing! Very OTT and Hollywood. And I do think I see a shadow of KHump behind that pole :D

  28. Stefanie

    I hate the fact this isn’t available in high res. I want to see this mess up close damnit!

  29. Crystal

    As my idol Sarah Silverman (and frequent fug offender) recently said, if you wear high-wasted pants, you must be high or wasted.

  30. liz

    let them eat bow ties.

  31. Allie

    This card, much like this entire family, is tacky, ridiculous and awful.

    Most absurd, though… IS THE 3D VERSION OF THIS CARD THAT EXISTS. 1) Why in the hell would anyone want these faces popping out at them in 3D? 2) Who has 3D glasses lying around on the off chance that some douchebag’s Christmas card will require them? And 3) WHY DOES THE WORLD NEED 3D CHRISTMAS CARDS? Go away, Kardashians.

    • Pouncer

      I have 3-D glasses, mainly for Astronomy Photo of the Day shots or (awesome) videos. They come in useful at odd times. I wouldn’t even attempt to view the Kardashian Klan with them, though. They might try to possess me through my laptop screen.

  32. Fran

    It’s a vampire-themed holiday card, oh dear, tacky, tacky.

  33. Alicia

    My sentiments exactly! This card is frigid, and everyone looks like they were photographed independently. It’s weird and tacky. The 3-D effect just adds to the tackiness. Also… why is Brody Jenner not in this family picture?

  34. AM

    That kardkard title for the pic made me laugh :-)

  35. Bexmarie

    I personally think Kris Jenner looks amazing!

  36. Lauren

    It posts like this that only make me love you lovely Fug Ladies more.

  37. StyleMelbourne

    This looks like the start of some new soap opera. The Kold & the Krackpot perhaps. The real star is Photoshop!

  38. Martha

    I agree that it looks like a promo shot for a nighttime soap opera. That’s the first thing I thought when I saw it.

    If I had money, though, I’d totally do this. Only I’d be doing it as a joke.

  39. Louisa

    Kris really DOES look like they took an older photo of her head and pasted it in. Weird.

  40. RK8

    Since when is Kloe so short??? She’s usually mammoth standing next to her mom!! So sick of the Kardashians…

  41. milaxx

    my personal favorite part is that allegedly Kris Humphries was Photoshopped out and replaced by that chair

  42. BAnjeeB

    This is the second year in a row that I’ve looked at their card and thought…the Addam’s Family did it better.

  43. marcia

    You can tell that it’s totally photoshopped, because if you measure them, the girl with the slit is as tall as Lamar Odom who is 6’10″. I’m sorry, she’d have to be wearing Lady Gaga foot tall boots to be that height, not stillettos. Brody looks like he’s about 2 inches shorter than L.O., but he’s actually 6’2″. They make Lamar Odom smaller every year….he’s huge. He’s a freak of nature, but that would look awkward in the pictures, so they shrink him down. But all the heights are off. They just stuck figures on that photo.

    • Lindy

      Brody? Brody isn’t in this picture. You must mean the Kardashian son whose name escapes me. I guess the Jenner boys are too smart to be in this picture.

  44. Sush

    that ass is so photoshopped it’s actually glowing

  45. mary lou bethune

    I thought that we all agreed to cease any discussion about those awful, greedy scabs on the body politic……..

    talk about putting people in a crabby mood… can you imagine the ones who actually received this – I can hear the hoots of derision…..

    make it stop…

  46. Chris

    This is the only time of year I enjoy the Kardashians.

    Yes, I said it. Something happened with the Kardashians and I enjoyed it. With no regrets. Deal with it, fuggers.

    As an aside, isn’t Khloe like 6′ tall? If she’s wearing super-tall stilettos, yeah, she could probably dunk on Lamar. Hell, I bet she could dunk on Lamar in flats.

    Anyway. So. The Kard happened. Notes:

    1) I am now absolutely convinced that Kris (Jenner, not Humphries) is not only avidly reading GFY, she saw last year’s Kard post and decided that hologram twins from the future needed to happen this year.

    …she should have just had Khloe Photoshopped in twice. (And specifically Khloe. I think she’s the only one I could tolerate cloned.)

    2) Now that I look at it, the chair was definitely shooped in. Badly. Look at the heads, especially of…whose is that, Kourtney’s kid? Why do I know this?

    3) I don’t even know why the Kardashians needed a 3-D Khristmas Kard. Most of them lack even a second dimension.

    4) You mean, they’re not trying to poison each other? You know Kim’s mad about being in the doghouse.

  47. Callie

    This is so hilariously brilliant, I love it and I don’t care who knows it. (But I hate the Kardashians, obviously, except in that I love reading articles, and looking at photos and bleating ‘oh my Goddddd, lookatthat!’)

  48. e

    Kris H was actually probably long gone before the pic was taken–she posted that checkered lips pic of her wearing the same outfit a month after their separation. http://kimkardashian.celebuzz.com/2011/11/28/my-crazy-new-lip-look/

  49. ok

    None of these people posed together, except possibly the couples. This is a composite of different shots.

    The photoshop is wretched– Khloe, in particular. What is wrong with her legs?

    There is a whole lot of Dolce & Gabbana going on in this.

  50. vandalfan

    Goya painted a (very insulting) painting of the royal family of Spain, nicknamed “The grocer who won the lottery and his family”. It reminds me of this crowd, who I think is not kidding around and is perfectly serious about this persona.


    • Anne B

      … And the essential response, as usual, is vandal’s.

      I bow to your magnificence, my friend. <3

    • Mukel

      Goya is so fricking amazing–God, I wish he were around today. He’d have UNLIMITED material.

  51. amys

    That is not Khloe’s lower body. Heck, I don’t think any of it’s real. Merry Haunted Khristmas!

  52. Mukel

    This is pure hilarity. Not depressing in the least! I love nothing more than a good laugh. My only disappointment is that I can’t enlarge it to fill my whole screen so that I can pore over each faux-blase facial expression and crazy outfit and pose.

  53. S.

    I’m doing this next year…Dynasty-themed naturally WITH catfight in fountain.

  54. Sajorina

    RIDICULOUS & LAME AS HELL… Just like the whole family!

  55. What's The New Black

    Wow. The fact that they actually managed to make a more ridiculous card than last year is almost an accomplishment. So cold and just, hilarious! Jeez.. http://whatisthenewblack.blogspot.com/

  56. elromat

    All that photoshop and they couldn’t even give Kim feet? Seriously, why are all the other girls in cropped pants, and hers are eating her feet?

  57. sophie


  58. Franziska

    Did Kourtney end up with Kim’s arse?

  59. yvetterene

    I like it.

  60. Megaera919

    Well, good lord–who photoshops their fucking card? Who includes their fucking baby-daddy? This is a tv-family card not a true family card. Ugh. I find myself soclose to judging these people. wink.

  61. teekay

    Is one of them channeling Demi Moore’s 1989 Oscars bike shorts/skirt combo?

  62. Peachsiki

    bwahahahahaha I could make a photoshop joke here, but its just too easy.

  63. Amanda in Austin

    Two words: CRAZE.BALLS.

  64. Andrew S.

    This is kind’ve so ridiculous and OTT that I love it. Sidenote: The little Jenner girls are kind’ve working it, especially Kendall(?) with the suit & ponytail

  65. Pongo

    Wonder if anyone in this bunch is familiar with the psychological concept of enmeshment. This is a little kreepy at their ages. Why don’t Lamar and Khloe and Kourtney and Whathewhoozit have their own family Kristmas kards? They have their own families now, right? Kan no one ever leave Kris’s kompound and become a fully fledged, kompetent adult on their own? BTW, naming all your children with names that start with the same letter, especially if your own name does, as well, is a classic sign of an enmeshed family.

  66. Amelia

    I e-mailed this to my friends who are being bridesmaids in my wedding and announced that I have now decided our wedding party will be posing like this. Hopefully people won’t take this to mean I intend to get divorced 72 days later.

  67. Emily

    Nope, I love it. I really, really do. They’re awful famewhores, but nonetheless this card is crazy funny.

  68. Bambi Anne Dear

    I can’t zoom in but I can’t see a single smile.

  69. Shawna

    All I can think looking at this is it wants to be a Vogue cover SO BADLY. They are not even trying to hide it. Looks like an Annie Leibovitz-uber-wannabe.

  70. exquisite red

    I knew when I saw this on yahoo that it’d show up in this blog, especially after the post last year about their card.

    I don’t watch the show, but I gotta say…I wouldn’t have this card any other way.

  71. ccoop

    This looks like a mannequin display for a Halloween window. Of course, mannequins would have much better personalities.

  72. Squirrel!

    Kris Humphries was totally replaced by that chair.

  73. Ka

    I’m not clear who these people are, and yet this is fascinating for all the wrong reasons.

    Apart from all the points mentioned above, do you think there’s a genetic component to the women’s inability to stand normally? Is it some odd hip rotation problem, or is there something wrong with their backs? It can’t be comfortable. Imagine being stuck like that.

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