Fug the Fromage: Mean Girls 2 AKA TINA FEY WEEPS


fug-the-fromage

Oh my god. Look. You guys OWE ME for this one. You think that Mean Girls 2 would be an easy assignment, right? I mean, Mean Girls: Original Flavor is genius. So surely that genius might trickle down, right? WRONG. This thing is more of a hot mess than Lindsay Lohan is right now.

First of all, it opens with a title card telling us it’s been “formatted for time and content.” And yet, wasn’t this movie MADE for ABC Family? PLEASE TELL ME THEY DIDN’T ORIGINALLY MAKE THIS FOR WIDE RELEASE. No. They couldn’t possibly have done: for one thing, it’s full of actors who are in other ABC Family shows, so….right? Right.

Our protagonist is Jo Mitchell:

You know she’s cool because: she has a boy’s name; she helps her dad work on race cars; she changes schools all the time; she’s a self-proclaimed  “loner with a highly revolved defense mechanism”; and she….drives a red Vespa? That’s more “hipster” than “loner,” but whatever, honey. ANYWAY, she’s new in town and is attending the last high school she’ll ever go to before she goes to her “dream college,” Carnegie Mellon, which is name-dropped so many times in the next two hours that I think they were secretly a sponsor. Carnegie Mellon is a great school, but the more times you hear someone say those two words on ABC Family, the less they seem like actual words and more like just a made-up code phrase for something.

On the way into school, the film attempts to recreate the original’s brilliant scene explicating social groups by their lunch tables (you know, per Janis Ian: “You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, J.V. jocks, Asian nerds, cool Asians, varsity jocks, unfriendly black hotties, girls who eat their feelings, girls who don’t eat anything, desperate wannabes, burnouts, sexually active band geeks, etc”) …except with cars in the parking lot. It totally doesn’t track. For one thing, do THAT MANY students really have SmartCars?

Enter the Plastics, in what Jo calls “a sports car” — it’s not, exactly, as much as it’s a BMW convertible, so…Kelly Taylor’s car. Here they are (note Jo in the background, looking like a tiny fake wiccan):

Um. WHAT ARE THEY WEARING? The Main Plastic — the Regina George — is wearing WHITE KNEE SOCKS and a BEIGE BLAZER and a FASCINATOR and PEARLS and a dress Laura Ingalls Wilder would have rejected for being “too prairie.” Her headband exactly matches her purse for pete’s sake. She looks like what you’d get if Laura Ashley married Cher Horowitz and had the baby in a Chico’s. This is eye-searing. Anyway. Regina Faux-rge is actually named Mandi, and her friends are Chastity — who, IRONY ALERT , sleeps around, and who for convenience I will call Slutty Plastic — and Hope, who is OCD about germs. Do Slutty Plastic’s breasts predict the weather? Is OCD Plastic’s hair full of secrets? Because if not, I don’t really care about them.

Anyway, Jo is all, “I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel,” but she immediately stops being a total loner because of this:

This is Abby. In two seconds, she falls into a trash can and therefore covers her precious art portfolio in discarded food, and then while she’s crying over that she gets a huge glass of milk (?) tossed in her face, although all of this is seemingly by accident and not because people are picking on her. She’s just THAT klutzy. She then literally cowers behind the trash can to avoid the Plastics. Jo is friendly to her when she witnesses this  — but not too friendly. Just friendly enough so that the audience knows she’s not a total bitch, but bitchy enough so that we realize she’s also, you know, pretty cool.

Then this happened:

We all learned that Tim Meadows agreed to be in this movie, although NO ONE ELSE FROM THE ORIGINAL DID. I like to think of him showing up the first day and being like, “Where’s Tina?” and then everyone was like, “are you kidding us?” and then he was all sad and called her and yelled at her for lying that she was going to do it, too, and then Tina laughed and laughed and then Tim also saw the humor in this, and did a few Ladies’ Man lines for her and then signed off and went back to set and thought about how best to kill himself.

Anyway, Tim is very nice to Jo. “We’re aware that students who move around a lot often turn into serial killers, or actors. Did I mention we had an excellent drama department?”  he tells her. But she smarms that she’d rather take “advanced shop,” because she’s an UNCONVENTIONAL GIRL LIKE THAT.

Turns out that Advanced Shop is full of dudes. Why didn’t I think to take Advanced Shop in high school? Oh, right: we didn’t have Shop, Advanced or otherwise; I went to an all girls school; and I would have severed my own hand with the circular saw.   Jo’s assigned a Shop Partner in the form of Tyler, whom you may recognize from Pretty Little Liars:

He’s also so obviously her romantic interest that they might as well have made him wear a shirt that says, “The End Game.” Okay, so in the grand tradition of shop teachers in movies everywhere, this one is  Uninterested in Inspiring His Students.  Tyler explains that he’s just depressed because his football team — Texas A&M — just lost. And  Jo is all, “if A&M wants to be taken seriously, they better beat the Longhorns this weekend,” and instead of being impressed by her college football knowledge, Tyler just asks her to decorate the birdhouse they’re making — because she’s a GIRL and GIRLS DECORATE THINGS — and she tells him he’s a sexist and whips out some shoppy-shop talk and THEN he’s impressed, because…he wasn’t listening during the football science? I don’t know. Here’s a secret: nothing anyone does in this movie makes any sense at all. Anyway, she acts like she hates him and we all know they’re going to be making out in two hours.

Lunchtime!  The Plastics have a ridiculous convo about purses that I literally can’t even understand and ridiculous convos about purses IS MY JOB; kick some other people out of “their” table; and then watch some dudes have a taquito eating contest — the winner of which is the kid who played one of the Ghosts of Ex-Mas Pas in Chad Michael Murray and the Tale of the Killer Martini Olive. It turns out that Mandi is dating him, but only because he’s getting a full ride to UCLA. Shout out to my alma mater, but that helps the high school  girlfriend how, exactly? You should also know that she is holding a lap dog this entire time.

Meanwhile, some random dude tries to grab Jo’s butt as she walks past his lunch table. Her quick reflexes and sharp wit obviously disarm him. Slutty Plastic is impressed by this; OCD Plastic is alarmed; UCLA Nicky thinks this is hot; Mandi thinks she’s pretty (which, by the way, this character would never actually admit aloud);  Lame Abby accidentally feeds the lap dog; the lap dog vomits in Mandi’s bag; Abby begs forgiveness; then trips and falls on her face. I think there is something actually wrong with Abby.

After school, there’s a World of Exposition, which is basically all that happens for the first hour and a half of this movie and it still doesn’t make any sense. All you need to know is: Jo’s dad lost her college fund in “the market” and he’s bummed and she cries. Now they can’t afford Carnegie Mellon, and IT’S WHERE HER DEAD MOM WENT TO SCHOOL.  Maybe Dad could get a job kind-touching? Jo also notes at this point that she never cries, but she actually cries about twenty times in this movie.  Just FYI. We also learn that Mandi and Lame Abby live across the street from each other and Mandi is jealous that Abby is moderately richer. Mandi: she can’t walk upright. Get over it. And once Mandi finds out that Abby has gotten a better parking spot than she did, she declares war. WEARING THIS:

I miss Regina George. She never showed up places looking like she just got lost on her way home from the Junior League. I don’t know how Mandi is actually maintaining any kind of dictatorial authority here. ANYWAY, to punish Abby for being given a good parking spot she — somehow, in a way that is never explained — get the other kids to do this:

Paint-ball gun her car. In broad daylight. On school property. This is at best vandalism and at worst illegal and it’s DEFINITELY against school rules and there is NO SCHOOL IN THE WORLD that would allow this to happen without some teacher running out to tell everyone to SCRAM.  Jo gives Tragic Abby a ride home on her Vespa.

Once they get to Abby’s Mansion, Abby runs inside crying and we learn that Abby’s Parents Are Concerned. “If only she had some friends!”  they wail. Abby’s Dad looks thoughtfully at Jo, who has come back to return the notebook Abby dropped when she ran away from the Vespa in tears. And that’s when Abby’s Concerned Dad offers to pay Jo to be Abby’s friend. We all know where this is going, right? It’s like the second verse of the famous song, “I was a bet? I was a f’ing bet?!”  called “He paid you to be my friend? He paid you to be my f’ing friend?!”  Abby’s Dad, like, reads Jo’s mind to figure out that she needs money for college, and then we actually get a semi-amusing bit where he makes the Be My Kid’s Friend sales pitch in a infomercial patois — as informericals appear to be how his fortune was made. OBVIOUSLY, Jo agrees. Reluctantly!

Meanwhile, Mandi has — for totally unexplained reasons! — decided to be friends with Jo; Jo blows her off (because she knows Mandi Is Evil), to the delight of a new character — Quinn Shinn, the newspaper editor who exists only so that later her newspaper can be a pivotal plot point. “Nobody turns Mandi down. The Plastics are goddesses and Mandi can, like, ruin you,” Quinn tells Jo. WE KNOW. LET’S GET TO THE MONTAGE OF PRANKS. THAT’S ALL ANYONE WANTS FROM A MOVIE LIKE THIS.

Insert further Plot Exposition That Will Be Important Later about how Homecoming is coming up (of course), and the school is raising money –LOTS OF MONEY — for the Humane Society.

After school, as part of her plot to Be Friends for Money, Jo talks Abby into giving her a ride to the auto shop to get a spark plug for her Vespa because I’m sure Advanced Shop has no spark plugs at all. While spark-plug shopping, they’re spied by the Plastics, who are ENRAGED that they’re hanging out. I guess it’s an affront to Mandi that Jo wants to be friend with Tragic Abby and not her, but that’s really not very well explained. This movie basically doesn’t explain anyone’s motivations to do literally anything.

Jo and Abby go back to Jo’s house, where she cries about her Dead Mom and Carnegie Freaking Mellon some more.  “Your mom’s pretty,” Abby says, looking at a picture of her:

Sure, if you like trashy eyeliner. WHAT? I’m just saying, that is NOT the prop picture you choose to represent your heroine’s TRAGIC AND INSPIRING DEAD MOM. She looks like a party girl. She looks, actually, like a bit of a Plastic.

Anyhoodle, Abby leaves just in time for a bit of  business establishing the the neighbor across the street from Jo’s house has installed security cameras in case Jo’s dad is running a chop shop instead of working on custom cars. ONE SINGLE SECOND AFTER THAT HAPPENS, the Plastics run into said garage — which is more like a totally open-air car port with no privacy — and rifle through it, looking for something.  a) How did they know where Jo lived? b) Why did they not buy what they are about to steal (industrial strength adhesive) at the hardware store instead of risking getting caught taking it? c) Jo’s dad was LITERALLY JUST STANDING RIGHT THERE WHERE THIS THIEVERY IS HAPPENING. WHERE IS THE CONTINUITY GIRL?

So, obviously, the next day at school, Jo finds herself industrially adhered to the seat of her Vespa:

She tells Abby to meet her in the bathroom and bring spare clothes. She then DRIVES HER VESPA INTO THE BATHROOM WHERE ARE THE TEACHERS AT THIS SCHOOL? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS NOT THE CHATEAU MARMONT AND YOU ARE NOT LED ZEPPLIN:

She parks the Vespa in the handicapped stall, takes off her pants, and decides to wear Abby’s art smock as a skirt. It’s kind of cute, which is why the screenwriters had her do that instead of just wearing her gym shorts which is what would have happened in real life, if in real life PEOPLE DROVE THEIR VESPAS INTO BATHROOM STALLS.

But everyone thinks her smock-skirt is HOT! Including Shop Partner Possibly Sexist Tyler who Jo now loves again for reasons that were left on the cutting room floor. And the next day, everyone is wearing paint-splattered outfits to school. Well, Mandi isn’t. Mandi is wearing this:

A smock would be an improvement.

Over in shop class, Jo is now REALLY hot for Possibly Sexist But I Guess We’re Over That Tyler, all because he liked her skirt.  She isn’t paying any attention in class. In fact, her daydreams made me think I sat on the remote and switched the channel to Skinemax, because first we got this:

And then this:

And then class is over and he asks her to go to the movies with him and she’s thrilled, and this particular movie really needed to have a scene between the two of him where he proved himself to actually be awesome and crush-worthy, but they TOTALLY FORGOT IT. I’m not complaining about the nudity, but this sort of story needs a little massaging between THAT CUTE DUDE IS A JERK! and THAT JERK IS ACTUALLY REALLY CUTE AND NOT A JERK and it NEVER HAPPENED here. In all fairness, this movie is so full of half-finished storylines that never went anywhere — most of which I have seriously left out in the interest of brevity (I know) — that I think they might have accidentally cut it for time when they realized they made a seven hour mini-series and not a TV movie.

So Tyler and Jo go on a date. He specifically asked her to the movies in the previous scene and yet they do not go to the movies at all; they go somewhere else that is communicated only through a montage of cheesy, cheesy photos, like this one:

Also, please note: it was dark when Tyler picked her up (in UCLA Nicky’s car — that’s going to be important) and now it is light.

Fifty-seven minutes later, the endless cheesy montage ends and Tyler compliments Jo for not screaming on the roller coaster (because he’s been looking for a robot girlfriend). Also: that’s a very forest-y theme park. But whatever. Somehow this melts into a bit where she confesses she’s never had a boyfriend, because she changed schools so often. She’s also never kissed anyone. UNTIL NOW.

And that’s when the camera pans down and we learn the car has been bugged. I AM. SO SURE.

The next day at school, shit gets even dumber: Someone breaks into the PA/TV station and plays A PHOTO MONTAGE OF THEIR DATE NARRATED WITH THEIR TAPED CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW JO HAS NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. Mandi looks pleased. Tyler looks pissed. I look truly f’ing incredulous as this montage includes pictures of them IN CLASS, like…WHAT? WHO? WHY? This is ABSURD. Also absurd: over the loud speaker, a clearly disguised and disgusted voice ANNOUNCES: “JO MITCHELL IS A VIRGIN!!!!!”.  An extra turns to another extra and screams, “She’s a VIRGIN!!!!”  the way anyone else would say “SHE’S A CYBORG?!!!!!!”  People make this face:

Dear teen readers of GFY: as an old lady, let me assure you that it’s totally not a big deal to be a 17-year-old virgin. There are a lot of you. Anyway, as Virgin Jo looks horrified, Mandi sashays up to her and says “Ah, young love. Isn’t it pathetic?” and then walks off. Jo runs away, crying, again. Abby chases her into the bathroom, where she swears everything will be okay. Jo cries harder, because she realizes that in addition to being a virgin, she’s an asshole for taking money for being someone’s friend. At least she can drive.

Tyler tries to apologize to her, but she won’t have it. Luckily, Jo feels much better at lunch when an ethnically diverse group of alternatively dressed girls tells Jo — en masse – that last year, they all fell for this one senior dude, put out, and then he dumped them. (They didn’t put out en masse. They tell her en masse.)  And they all wished they’d saved their precious flower for the right guy and they think she’s AWESOME for being a rad, Vespa-driving virgin.  Then they leave.

This movie is terrible. You guys. There’s SO much plot left. It’s like ALL PLOT. IT’S TOO MUCH PLOT. NONE OF IT HANGS TOGETHER.

Deep breath. We can do this. I’m just going to start giving you plot points on a need-to-know basis. Like, do you need to know about this random architecture scholarship that gets tons of screen time and then never is mentioned again? No.

Okay. You do need to know Tyler and Mandi are step-siblings. And that UCLA Nick bugged the car before he loaned it to Tyler, who then beats him up in the cafeteria for it.

You need to know that there’s this geek in love with Abby who clearly had a ton of other scenes that were cut for time.

You need to know that, in Shop class, Jo accepts Tyler’s apology and they’re into each other again. She tells him she isn’t going to retaliate against the Plastics, because now she’s having way too much fun with her new friends, Ethnically Diverse Alternative Girls Who Worship Her Virginity.

You need to know that school has decided that Jo and Tyler are the Hot New Couple, like….no, you probably didn’t need to know that.

You need to know that Mandi and the other Plastics sneak into Jo’s Dad’s Garage in these very subtle ensembles:

They put Sweet n Low AND COFFEE in the car’s tank. Um. It’s not a latte. I think the sweetener alone would have done it. Also, I hate what you three idiots are wearing.

Jo comes home to find her Dad devastated. Why? HIS CAR IS RUINED. And JIMMY AND THE BOYS need to have a trial run tomorrow, whoever those people are. At any rate: HIS CAREER IS OVER. But those dumb, poorly-dressed bitches left their Sweet ‘n’ Low packets behind and only SIX HOURS IN, Jo vows revenge! You can tell, because this is how you stand when you’re vowing revenge:

“The Plastics were going down, and I don’t care what rules I had to break to make her pay,” Jo says. Including, clearly, those of proper grammar and correct syntax.

Jo storms over to the coffee house and yells at Mandi for being so terrible. Mandi is totally nonplussed, but Jo is enraged and also her hair looks terrible. “Get over yourself, Man-hands,” Mandi tells her, in the only line in the movie at which I laughed aloud. Jo obviously vows to bring her down. Again. This all needed to have happened twenty minutes ago.

So, the revenge begins: the girls decide to throw an awesome party on the same night as Mandi’s birthday party and therefore ruin it. But before that, there’s this really awkward anti-bullying PSA:

BE NICER EVERYONE! At least, to people who aren’t total BITCHES.

WARRING PARTY NIGHT:  EVERYONE is over at Abby’s Awesome Pool Party and NO ONE is at Mandi’s but there’s no explanation of how that really happened other than that maybe Tyler and Jo being the Hottest Couple in school is a draw? Or maybe people really wanted to pop by and make fun of Jo and Abby for wearing matching fake hair extensions like two little Avril Lavignes:

This is so tiresome. This movie has about twenty plot points that could have been cut. And this is one of them: the Plastics find out about the warring party, and out of jealousy and beyond any possible conceivable way, they put Ipecac on the pizzas being delivered to the non-Plastics party. Okay. Here’s the thing. We see the pizza dude bring the pizzas into Abby’s house, which means the Plastics had to waylay him, dose the pizzas, then give them back to him. Even if they bribed him, I’m so sure OCD Plastic — who was prescribed the Ipecac they used by her doctor, per the script — BROUGHT IT WITH HER TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY AT WHICH SHE THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE NO SHENANIGANS. THIS IS BULLSHIT. If you’re writing a story in which the pizzas at a party gets poisoned, you figure out a way to sneak the poisoner INTO THE PARTY.

Also: it’s a non-starter, because Jo The Genius figures it out and turns it back on the Plastics by giving a slice to UCLA Nick who….was not in on the poison scheme even though he was standing with them? You see, the Plastics came into the party to watch shit get real, but were too dumb to come inside and MAKE shit get real and thus save themselves the bribery money and also Nick’s life.  UCLA Nick eats the pizza and barfs on Mandi. JV squad stuff here, guys. JV.

THEN Jo explains in VO she set out to “disband the Plastics once and for all.” WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING FOR AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES THEN MY GOD. She apparently plans to do this primarily via montage,  stomping down the halls with wind in her hair, and by wearing vests. Because this is what happens for the next twenty dialogue-less minutes:

I mean. This is great for marketing, but not to be a dork: what’s the STORY HERE?

Jo gets back at Slutty Plastic by telling Tim Meadows all of Slutty’s make-out spots, which she knows because of NO POSSIBLE REASON AT ALL. Tim busts Slutty — by taking pictures of her making out in each spot, like, pervy, Tim — and gives her detention.

Jo gets back at OCD Plastic by convincing the whole school to pretend to sneeze on her — LAME — and then swapping the seaweed in her seaweed facial with seaweed paste and turning her face green. A) that’s not a thing. B) Because it’s really easy to break into a spa and fiddle with their materials, especially when you have no inside knowledge of when or where your victim is going to be coming in for said facial because SHE won’t tell you and you don’t have an inside man at the spa? Keep telling yourself that.

Finally, the time comes to bring down Mandi.  It involves giving people cupcakes and wearing lace tights and being a little mean to Abby and Quinn by inviting TOO MANY PEOPLE to sit with them at lunch…? I seriously….the plot here just collapses in on itself. Apparently, this is the part of the movie where Jo starts to really like being popular and mean? But that plot point kind of develops overnight and there is no build up to it and no dialogue about it, and….this movie is bad. Anyway, Tyler has decided that Jo is acting like Mandi now and he doesn’t like it. “Jo. What happened to that girl I met in Shop class?”  he asks, and then he walks away. Clearly Jo is wondering that herself:

WHO AM I???? [246000000000000000001!!!!!! A joke for my musical theatre-loving friends]

Anyway, Jo goes home and finds out she got into Carnegie Mellon and she doesn’t even care! Or know what  her grade is in Shop — all because she got so busy being popular. Her Dad then hands her a pile of money from Abby’s Dad and a cashier’s check from same for 50 grand with nary a comment. Uh. My parents would have some questions about that. Anyway, Jo continues to feel regret and goes over to Abby’s house where Mandi just HAPPENS to be jogging by and JUST HAPPENS to overhear Jo giving back the money and having a very VERY expository conversation with Abby’s Dad about how he was paying her to be friends with Abby and then THE NEXT DAY THIS NEWS ENDS UP ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE SCHOOL PAPER?! WHAT??? I guess Quinn ran the story because she still wanted to be a PLASTIC?!  “The Plastics are the originals,” she explains. THAT MAKES NO SENSE. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. THE PLASTICS ARE RUINED. ANYONE WHO WAS A REAL CANDIDATE TO BE A PLASTIC WOULD RUSH INTO THE VACUUM AND….deep breaths. This is almost over, except we still have to get through this ridiculous subplot about powder-puff football. I’M NOT KIDDING.

Anyway, Quinn and Abby and Jo have a big fight in front of the whole school, and Tyler does this slow I AM SO DISAPPOINTED headshake. See?

And you’d think Jo would find a way to make it up to Abby and then we’d all learn a valuable lesson and it’d would be the end. BUT NO. IT’S TIME TO INTRODUCE A WHOLE OTHER PLOT LINE. See, the Plastics have realized that the only way that Mandi can win Homecoming Queen is if Jo is expelled because she’s ahead in the polling (gag) and votes came in before the Headline of Friend-Whore-y Shame. LONG LONG LONG story short, Mandi talks UCLA Nick into stealing the fund-raising money and framing Jo for doing it. In the course of doing this, we learn that Mandi has a tramp stamp of a butterfly:

Okay. That girl would not have that tattoo, or any tattoo. But whatever. Also, they steal the money from school IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. I actually think this movie didn’t have the budget to shoot anything other than the Date Scene at night. It’s the only explanation. They wasted all the money on re-writes.

THEN Mandi plants the money in a shed on Jo’s property (with…what key? And without being caught? And when?) and drops an anonymous tip to Tim Meadows, who expels Jo without a hearing or calling her dad or investigating, and also tells her Carnegie Mellon will probably rescind her admission.

So Jo confronts Mandi and says she knows she framed her. “So we’re going to settle this like men. On the battlefield.” she said. And then she challenges her to…a POWDER-PUFF FOOTBALL GAME. OH MY GOD. HOW DOES THAT PROVE SHE FRAMED ANYONE? WHAT THE F*CK IS HAPPENING THIS MOVIE?????? YOU’RE ACCUSED OF A FELONY AND YOU DECIDE TO SOLVE IT WITH A POWDER-PUFF GAME?????????? THAT DOES NOT HOLD UP IN A COURT OF LAW.

Yadda yadda yada, in a series of convenient moments, Tyler finds out that Jo tried to give the money back so now he likes her again PLEASE LET THIS END.  WHEN IS THIS OVER? Also, all her friends who were so pissed at her hear about it too and now they are friends again also. That was easy! And they’re all,  “Come on, we have a game to prepare for!” and “And we have an idea to prove your innocence!” and that idea is that they need to get a look at the security cameras owned by the crackpot across the street, which NONE OF THESE KIDS COULD POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN ABOUT BECAUSE NONE OF THEM WERE THERE WHEN THAT EXPOSITION HAPPENED AND IT WAS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

And instead of telling the police who are investigating this crime that the dude across the street has security cameras and getting the tapes subpoenaed, they have that random nerd who likes Abby hack into the system for them.

There is so much more. You don’t even know. But let’s just skip ahead to this game. Which brings with it ANOTHER MONTAGE, this one a montage of GAME PREP which proves that actually Jo DOESN’T know anything about football. FOR EXAMPLE, THIS ISN’T GOING TO HELP:

Anyway. There’s a game. This is so stupid. It’s so stupid it really hurts my feelings. And it goes on for like….thirty-five minutes. Conveniently, DURING THE GAME, the nerd finds the proof of the break-in and texts the video to everyone at the game (!) at the same time (!) because he’d totally have everyone’s cell phone numbers (!) including random parents and the principle of his school (!!!).  Also convenient: the police show up at this exact time to arrest UCLA Nick and Mandi, and ALSO at the exact same time, ABBY SCORES AN IMPROBABLE, SLOW-MOTION TOUCHDOWN,  and wins this idiotic, meaningless game for these dumb girls.

And you’d think it’s over BUT NO. IT’S STILL NOT OVER.

Need to know: Jo’s expulsion is reversed. She fixes the vote at homecoming so that Abby is voted queen, because she “has enough already,” like that isn’t INCREDIBLY PATRONIZING. There’s ANOTHER MONTAGE at the dance. Jo and Tyler make out. Mandi storms the dance in a rage. Tim Meadows kicks her out. We think this is over AGAIN, BUT IT’S STILL NOT IT’S STILL NOT because THEN we learn that Tyler went to Penn State LIKE I CARE  and also Nick and Mandi got community service and Quinn became the lead Plastic, except nice, and Slutty Plastic joined the abstinence club and OCD Plastic got swine flu and Jo sold her SHOP CLASS PROJECT THAT HASN’T BEEN MENTIONED IN THE LAST SIX HOURS to Abby’s Dad who sold it on infomericals so she could go to Carnegie Mellon, where Abby also went and OMG I COULD NOT CARE LESS.

And then people kiss and it’s over. THANK YOU JESUS. That was worse than the time I had to recap the Dawson’s Creek episode where Joey sings her mugger to death, literally — if only because it was twice as long.

Fuggery: 8 out of 10. I’ve never seen a more poorly dressed “Popular Girls” clique in any movie, ever, including ones made in the 80s.

Fromage: 8 out of 10.  First of all, do I have to reiterate how many montages were in this thing? Second: CRIMINAL ACCUSATIONS WERE SETTLED IN PART USING A POWDER-PUFF FOOTBALL GAME THAT EMPLOYED SLOW MO AT THE MOMENT THAT THE GEEK SCORED AN IMPROBABLE TOUCHDOWN.

F*ckwittery: One million out of 10.  No one read this script. My face just exploded with the caps lock that therefore ensued. I love you, ABC Family. You KNOW how much I love you. SO WHY DID YOU JUST TRY TO KILL ME?

Overall rating: 8 out of 10.

react: