Fug the Cover: J.Lo on People


“HOLA, LOVERS.”

“It is true, lovers. No tengo regrets. Ay, si, you could put this cover in a pipe and smoke it and get a crack high (do not, lovers; drugs are like Marc: sinister and they smell weird and posiblemente out to get in your veins and kill you). But es BUENO that my hair looks like refried Betsey Johnson! Es excelente that I look like I got stuck trying to do the splits! Es fabuloso that I look like I am screaming in pain because have YOU ever tried to do a split, lovers, and then HELD IT THERE while your Lopez felt like it was cracking? And I am tan alegre, lovers, that they put a picture of Adele kissing a trophy I have never won while I am crawling around on the floor maybe planning to pounce on you like a jungle cat, and Britney is there saying, “Oh heyyyy, you all, I am not nutso anymore, love me Justin.” Por que? Two reasons, lovers. Uno: I have to make it FAIR. For reasons that are maybe a little bit full of lies but whatever, People cannot pick the same Most Beautiful Person every year. Nobody in el mundo will believe that I am not still and forever the most beautiful person who ever straddled the floor, so I have to help out the people at People by looking less beautiful all the time, and then also when they pick me again in two years people will be like, “Ay, yes, and she has put those weird fangs away!” And second, lovers, I won American Idol week. Mariah who? Nicki Minwhat? ME. So do not feel sad for me, lovers, and do not feel sad for the person on my team who got fired for this or for the people at People who I tried to get fired before I understood that this was my destiny. I sent a ham.”

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Comments (41):

  1. Helen
    +1

    How on earth did they manage to make Jennifer Lopez look like Jennifer Aniston?

    • Karen G
      +1

      I thought it was Hillary Duff.

      • LoriK
        0

        I swear she has to have done something to her face. The last several pictures of her have looked like someone else. It’s kind of freaking me out.

      • Billie
        +1

        I thought it was Nicole Richie.

      • Ladyblahblah
        +1

        Yep, that was my first reaction as well: What the hell would Hilary Duff have regrets about? Veneers?

  2. Alameda Peg
    +1

    Saw this at the grocery store last night and thought it might be Lea Michele with a horrible wig.

  3. Lizzy
    +1

    That’s an interesting pose – is she looking for a dropped contact lens?

  4. marie
    +1

    i read an article on Lainey Gossip about this cover and i just cringed with the interview. Apparently she’s the one who is insecure about her boyfriend staying with her and keeps on asking him why he chooses to be with her and not some other girl. JLo, you are above this!

  5. Sonya
    +1

    Jennifer Lopez is pretty, everything about that cover IS NOT, particularly, that hair. This is very, very bad.

  6. kalisah
    0

    But I kind of like that she’s “made under” and wearing clothes that actually cover skin.

    • Art Eclectic
      0

      Me too. It’s a refreshing change from Jennifer Lopez – cougar on the prowl.

    • evalyn
      0

      I agree – she looks relaxed and real – like she might possibly be having fun.

  7. pidget
    0

    Nothing cheers me up like fake JLo. Except fake Kanye ; )

    However, this cover does her no justice. She’s playing dress-up as a soccer mom. Whither the Rrrrrawrrr?

  8. Hima
    +1

    What the HELL is wrong with her hair? It looks like they turned a shaggy dog into a wig.

  9. Mary Urech Stallings
    +1

    Lover, you really should have some regrets.

  10. TonyG
    +1

    ¡Ay dios mio! She has broom straw for hair! Perhaps she is doing the split because she is about to sweep the floor with her scraggly tresses.

  11. hdew
    +1

    Hey! A+ on the Spanish!

  12. anna s.
    +1

    They photoshopped her into Lea Michelle and then stuck a broom on her head. That cover makes her look a bit deranged.

  13. Elise
    0

    Yay! I’ve been waiting for this Fug ever since I saw it. :) You did it justice (as I knew you would)!

  14. Holly Hamilton
    0

    Thank you for highlighting this look. I did indeed notice it at the grocery store and wondered how they got her hair to look like mine after a day at the beach.

  15. S
    0

    “and Britney is there saying, “Oh heyyyy, you all…””

    Your impersonation of J.Lo incorrectly impersonating your impersonation of Britney. I’m pretty sure this is genius. <3

  16. Bubba
    0

    She is wearing a shaker sweater circa 1987 from The Limited.

  17. katkin74
    0

    Poor woman. This isn’t a good cover for her. The first thing I thought of when I saw this was chapped / windburned lips and sun-fried hair. Painful to look at.

  18. Vandalfan
    0

    Perhaps JLo is demonstrating The Truth Behind Briney’s Split? I mean, really, a People cover should not have one mumbling “Who the heck is that?”

  19. Steph
    0

    I really love your blog, and have been following it for years. And I’m not criticizing so much as asking questions about your use of Latin American stereotyped language to poke fun at Jennifer Lopez. I, of course, have to consider that you make fun of everyone on this site, and sometimes this includes their manner of speaking. I’m sure you’ve made fun of white American accents as well. Only I’ve never seen Jennifer as really speaking like this at all, and I’m not entirely sure wherein the humor lies. I love a good joke, and though I am myself ethnically mixed, I don’t mind a funny ethnic joke. I just don’t fully comprehend what’s going on when you make fun of Lopez in this way and maybe the joke is getting a little old. I am just concerned that everytime you make fun of how JLo looks, you stick to this fantastized version of how she talks. Maybe I’m missing a cultural reference. Again, I’m not so much criticizing as hoping to open a dialogue.

    • TonyG
      0

      [Not sure if my previous post got through due to website troubles...apologies if this shows as a repost..]

      After J. Lo played the lead in “Selena,” the biopic about Mexican-American Tejano singer Selena Quintanilla, she noted that “controversy came up in the Latin press about the fact that I didn’t speak very good Spanish – which Selena didn’t either! So I felt some of that pressure at the beginning.”

      God bless her…For her Spanish-language fans, Jennifer, who is a Puerto Rican woman whose primary language is English, pushed herself to speak more Spanish even as that attempt led to further language faux pas(es). [Ironically, given the topic, I am unsure of the plural of the French word, "faux pas"] ;)

      Thus, I believe the J. Lo voice at GFY is not meant to be a dig at her English language skills, which are excellent. Rather, in addition to creating a comedic character voice for easier exposition on GFY of her fashion fugs and fabs, this character voice invokes the absurd by highlighting how much more reliable her communication is when J. Lo speaks in her primary language.

      Here on GFY, as in real life, it is when she slips into Spanish that J. Lo’s language troubles begin.

    • Ladyblahblah
      0

      I’ve always taken the “Hola Lovers” bit as a broadly painted crack-up at the Latina Diva schtick that she’s affected in the past few years. I’ve been visiting this site almost daily since ~2005 and JLo wasn’t always done with the “Hola Lovers” voice – it seems to me it started around the same time I perceived her to kind of go off the deep end of her own self-perceived fabulousness. I’m caucasian, so I’m probably not the best person to judge whether this is offensive. That said, I find it similar to the “Hey Ya’ll” Britney Spears bit which I also think is a broad swipe at Brit’s deep-fried-not-too-swift image, even if it isn’t necessarily reflective of how she speaks. I’ve not found this offensive, although I am originally from the Deep South, with more than a few close relatives who reside in trailer parks.

    • Trace
      0

      I think that on Twitter Jennifer starts a lot of her tweets with HOLA LOVERS, hence the Fug Girls use of it.

  20. Tessa
    0

    Without the name next to the face I would have never guessed who the person on that cover is. That does not look like Jennifer Lopez. At. All.

  21. Katherine
    +1

    I initially thought this was Suzanne Summers, was really confused at how young she looked, and was completely shocked when I read the headline and saw that it was Jennifer Lopez

  22. Helen
    0

    So basically, we all saw different people, but a huge majority of those responding (so far) thought at first it was someone else. When it’s one of the most famous faces on the planet.

    That’s one baaaaaaaaaad picture…

  23. Lizzie
    +1

    I thought, seriously, that it was a bad pic of Jane Seymour — from the 80s. Maybe it’s a good thing for JLo that she is unrecognizable in this photo?

    • amys
      0

      I thought this was Jane Seymour, too! That is some amazingly deep fried hair. Beautiful smile, though.

      Anyone know why are we all italicized? Fancy!

  24. Peggy L.
    0

    The bang, it is spreading.

  25. Steph J
    0

    as a long time dedicated reader, for me this is one of the best ever posts. I salute you!! :)

  26. Mary
    0

    Regarding the rumors that J-Lo was unhappy with this… is a celebrity asked to approve their photo before it goes on the cover like that? My feelings for Jennifer aside, you would think a magazine would not want to upset someone who was gracious enough to agree to be on their cover.

  27. Jax
    0

    She actually looks v similar to Anna Torv, except with horrible hair. Like Anna’s not-so-Nordic cousin.

  28. Melodie
    0

    JOY. When I took this out of my mailbox, I said aloud, “Gah. The Fug Girls will have something to say about this.”

    Maybe she was being a C U Next Tuesday on set and they ran this photo on purpose.

  29. Tess
    0

    My mom saw this cover in the checkout line and asked me who it was. Not good when you look so unlike yourself that someone can’t tell it’s you even with your name printed right beside your head.

  30. wendy
    0

    She is JANE SEYMOUR!

  31. jen
    0

    As soon as I saw this cover at the grocery store I had two thoughts. 1) Who the hell is that?!?! and 2) Have the fug girls seen this yet?!?!