Fug the Cover: J.Lo


“HOLA LOVERS. So, the other day, I said to my man-boy, ‘You know what I want to be on? Good Housekeeping.’ Because there is nobody who is better at house keeping than yo. Miran, lovers, I am EXCELENTE at keeping a house. Why would you NOT keep it? Why would you SELL it when you could just go there sometime when you’re sick of one of your OTHER houses? I am the master, lovers! So I called the Good Housekeeping and they said, ‘HAHAHAHAHAAHAH,’ which I think was so sweet, lovers — they were so happy they were giggling!! — and then they said, ‘Yes, it will be great, sooooooooo America,’ but because they were SO SO MUY happy, they wrote it down wrong and OOPS, I am only on the cover for South Africa. But I don’t remember posing for this. Is that even my body? It might just be my head that they put on top of a First Prize ribbon for some local fair. Shhh, do not tell, but I am not okay with that, lovers. Jennifer Lopez Etc. does not have to ADVERTISE that she is first prize and she does not PRETEND THINGS (unless I have to pretend something, like how I pretended I liked this cover, in which case, I do it so well that you cannot tell because I AM A PROFESSIONAL). In fact, lovers, this revista is so strange. I do not WANT easy home makeovers — I want expensive ones, because if it does not cost six figures then it is not worth doing, si? And you cannot upcycle furniture. I tried to put Marc’s Wednesday coffin in the upcycling bin one time and they would not take it because they said it was too covered in strange stains. And I do not want to buy clothes for winter. What, is South Africa in some upside-down place where summer is winter? HAHAHA! It’s loco, lovers. Do not buy my magazine… more than once. Besos!”

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Comments (26):

  1. Ellen
    0

    With those boob ruffles, she looks like the spit monster in Jurassic Park – you know, the one who blinds Newman. But I’m more focused on the winter buys advertised on the cover – can we please have just a few months of warm weather before we have to start thinking about snow??

  2. flitzy
    0

    Please kill the ruffle trend with fire. KILL IT. They are invading like an aliens or a pandemic disease. What are they not on? They have monopolized Jlo’s dress and I fear they will spread and multiply in order to suffocate her.

  3. Shiitake
    0

    I want JLo to spark her soul by upcycling a few sticks of furniture laying around the manse–Muy Caliente!

  4. Amanda
    0

    I don’t mean this in a bad way at all. But, Jennifer Lopez is not that thin. I hate that they photoshop people so much. Her actual body would have been just fine.

    • Cranky Old Batt
      0

      That answers an early question I had about why she looks like this sometimes and like the rest of us with extra sand in the bottom of the hourglass the rest of the time.

    • Helen
      0

      I think it might really be her head on a random model’s body. Weird, when she has such a lovely figure of her own.

      But the thing about Marc’s coffin, now, that I believe!

      And yes, the ruffles are terrible. But that denim-blue is great on her.

      • Kara
        0

        I was thinking it might be her head on another model, or one person from the waist up and another from the waist down. Her hips aren’t that narrow – and I’m not hating on her* body at all, but she’s made a living off not having narrow hips so when they whittle them down, it’s obvious.

        *I am just kind of sick of her, though. Not on this site – “HOLA, LOVERS!” – but in general. She feels really overexposed to me.

  5. Christian
    0

    WTF?

  6. ML
    0

    Fug Girls, I really wanted Hola Lovers J-Lo to tell us about “the things that spark her soul” but ay Dios mio, no hubo tal suerte… (sigh)

  7. Kcat
    0

    Her face looks like Christina Hendricks here. Bizarre photoshopping.

  8. vandalfan
    0

    Oh, lordy, it looks like Chambray is the fabric of the season. Again. *sigh*

  9. starling
    0

    This comment has nothing to do with J.Lo and is admittedly the fault of the grammar nazi living deep within my soul, but why would they print “New!” at the top right of the cover? Isn’t that … obvious? And then eventually … false? Do they always do that?

  10. Evalyn
    0

    They dress her in a ruffle-fronted dress to emphasize her boobs – then photo shop away her cleavage. I’m soooo confused.

  11. Sajorina
    0

    I like the hair, the makeup, the jewelry & the pose, but WTF is up with that dress?! I like ruffles, but those are way too much… That would be a perfectly cute dress & cover without them!

  12. Pamb
    0

    Why is she in a summer dress if it’s winter in South Africa? Why is she in a summer dress when they are talking about winter fashion ON THE COVER. Does. Not. Compute.

    Also, those ruffles are gigantic.

    • Heather
      0

      My guess is, she didn’t pose for the cover for them — it’s probably an old leftover they bought from another magazine. MAYBE. Possibly from an actual Good Housekeeping US shoot.

  13. Rameisela
    0

    Yay, you guys mentioned my country SA(South Africa in some upside-down place where summer is winter) love that and Lovers!! Don’t think I’ve ever read anything about J.Lo until now