I’ll take Cover Concepts That Gross Me Out for $500, Alex. Among the many, many phrases I never EVER needed to have associated with SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD Dakota Fanning are: “His Best Sex Ever,” “Too Naughty To Say Here: But You Have to Try This Sex Trick,” and — WORST HEADLINE OF THE YEAR SO FAR — “Um, Vagina, Are You Okay Down There?” Let us all just take a moment to drink that one in: “UM, VAGINA, ARE YOU OKAY DOWN THERE?” SOMEONE WROTE THE WORDS, “UM, VAGINA,” AND SOMEONE ELSE DECIDED TO PUT THE WORDS, “UM, VAGINA” ON THE COVER OF THE MAGAZINE. Um, personally, I hope anyone who says that to her vagina gets the shock of her life when her vagina responds, and tells her to get a) a grip and b) better reading material.
Now, here’s the thing. Of course seventeen year old girls are reading Cosmo surreptitiously, and I guess we should all be happy that Dakota’s not flashing massive cleavage or anything. Other than the fact that I think they’ve made her look much more generic than she actually is – which is a time-honored Cosmo tradition — she looks fine. But the idea that Dakota Fanning, whose parents and handlers have, to this point, done a masterful job of keeping on the refreshingly wholesome path, has her head right next to HIS BEST SEX EVER really irritates me. Because Dakota Fanning seems — and whether she actually is, or isn’t, is her own business — like a smart, classy, girl. She’s never come off cloying or phony or tacky to me, and that kind of branding on your 17 year old starlet is FREAKING GOLD. I can not understand why you’d monkey with it by sandwiching her between UM VAGINA and HIS BEST SEX EVER. There are all kinds of ways to seem more mature, if that’s what they’re going for, than sticking your blow-out right next to UM VAGINA. In short: Why didn’t anyone point out to Dakota Fanning that Dakota Fanning is TOO GOOD FOR THIS?