Fug the Cover: Carly Rae Jepsen on Cosmopolitan

I thought Cosmo had an iconic repeated cover pose — hand on hip, etc. — but maybe I made that up, or the great Joanna Coles is changing that now that she’s swooped in to, presumably, rescue it from being a magazine that shouts things at vaginas.

They ¬†might have been better off with The Pose, because now I can see her under-buttock — you know, that place where the curve of your thigh drifts out and becomes the curve of your cheeks. She’s also wearing a pattern that looks like swatch vomit, but worst of all, to me, is that they made Carly Rae Jepsen look strung out here. Or something; something is off. She definitely doesn’t look like herself; for a second I thought it was Michelle Monaghan — although, to be fair to Michelle Monaghan, my actual thought was, “Man, Michelle Monaghan loons strung out on that cover.” There’s just something terrible and wacky and unappealing about it to me, like she hadn’t slept in three days so they just leaned her against a green screen, asked her to look at them for a second, and Photoshopped out her smartphone. I wouldn’t want to have lunch with that person, much less spend $5 to bring her back to my house and get me all stressed out about why her eyes aren’t focusing.

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Comments (37):

  1. CakesOnAPlane

    I thought this was Zooey Deschanel after an allergy attack that made her eyes swell shut.

    • Kaitlyn

      I ALSO thought it was Zooey when I saw this cover at the drugstore! The hair is so bad here, I think that’s the most egregious part.

    • Squirrel!

      Kaitlyn: I had exactly the same experience. Drugstore, Zooey, haaaaiiiiirrrrgggghhh.

  2. JK

    I LOVE the type “loons”. So appropriate. Please don’t change it, because it just fits. :)

    Having said that, why on earth do her people keep insisting on styling her like a cracked out teenager who has too much time and fabric paint? She doesn’t look like a tween, so why try to make her into one?

  3. Sylvia

    This is a very “end of a week long bender” look. That’s not what one should think of when they think of Cosmo, or hopefully, Carly Rae Jepsen.

    On the upside, I’m adopting “swatch vomit” and adding it to my lexicon. Thank you for that Fug Ladies.

    • Maisie

      OMG, “swatch vomit”!!!!

      You’d think I’d have learned by now NEVER EVER to drink coffee while reading GFY. But the post-spit take monitor clean-up is a small price to pay. . . .

  4. cremebrulee

    Heh. I love how they’ve managed to make it look like “rebound sex” is “the secret bond she shares with Bieber”.

    • ashley

      How is there no comment in this post about her “secret bond” with Bieber? Totally creepy language.

      • Vandalfan

        I thought it said “the secret blonde” they shared. My mind is in the gutter today.

  5. shannon

    I call Swatch Vomit as a band name! DIBS

  6. WalkerSister

    She looks way older than she is, and that hair is doing her no favors.

  7. Mouse

    What is that hair?!

    • Gabfest

      She needs a better agent. What is the point of letting some magazine make her look like a crack whore?

  8. val.

    If that is the promised “hell-yeah hair,” then no thanks.

  9. Miriam

    She looks at least 40. What is with the mouth wrinkles??

  10. amys

    Her hair makes it look like she just had some of that “Epic Sex” the cover is promising. Epic Fail’s more like it. Who’s editing this trash?

  11. Danni

    Not a thing on this cover is tempting me to look inside.

  12. Michelle

    What I noticed when my copy got to my house, is how terrified she looks in the eyes as well.

  13. Andrew S.

    She needs to brush her hair for one. if you look at her besides that then she’s looks rudimentary for a cover but the pic seems to thrive on the idea that she is drunk stumbling around a purple room & someone took her picture.

  14. Rizz

    *gasp* They left over a half inch of space with no text. How could they!

    That’s all I got.

  15. Stefanie

    Well, at least she isnt all “tweened” out. Although that may be preferable over strung out….

  16. TonyG

    Her hair made me think of Wolfman Jack.

  17. Sandra

    If somebody I knew showed up for a professional engagement looking like this, I’d be calling HR about an intervention. Granted, we’re not ARTISTS or anything, but hygiene is everybody’s friend.

  18. TereLiz

    I thought “man, Alexa Chung looks really horrible on that cover…” How did they make her hair look this awful? And could they have found a worse dress?

    Oh, well. I’m sure Carly Rae will be kind enough to turn the other “cheek”. lol. Yes, I am six.

  19. Meldisny

    She just totally had some of that totally awkward, totally rebound sex.

  20. Rachael

    She sort of looks like Hope Solo on this cover.

    Yuck. Cosmo, stop trying so hard.

  21. katdunn

    It’s actually nice to see a cover hat isn’t photo-shopped within an inch of it’s life.

  22. Vandalfan

    That hind end area is called “bottom biscuits” on People of Walmart. But I used to read Cosmo in the 70′s, and this seems to be an improvement, overall.

  23. 7Kellx

    Her hair looks like shit. Utterly. Why would anyone think this was cover of a magazine worthy hair?!?! Also, why would anyone think she’s cover of a magazine worthy anyway? As of right now she’s a one hit wonder right?

    I kinda like the outfit though. Hate the pose, but the outfit seems kinda cool and cute.

  24. Helen

    Perhaps that look of fear was inspired by the photographer reassuring her that they wouldn’t edit the photo later, so that she knew we’d see her real age of approximately 43.

    The clashing pattern on the arms of this whatever-it-is is kind of attractive. Too bad the whole thing wasn’t made out of that.

    I do NOT want to know about her Bieber bond.

  25. PinkieBling

    Hair WHAT.

  26. Anna S.

    That hair totally says “I am the Tiffany of my generation!”

  27. marykate

    Looks like she just whipped off her motocross helmet after a grueling ride around the track. That would explain the whacked out (helmet) hair, the crazy outfit, the strung out look and, if she had enough blow back momentum, the partially exposed butt cheek. Maybe it would even explain the ‘secret bond’ which is racing motocross with the Biebs.

  28. Kristin

    Love the positioning of the “great butt” headline.

    • Helen

      Haha, I didn’t even notice that, right by the under-buttock. Cheeky!

  29. Amanda Art

    I am so glad GFY did this one — It screams “Fug the Cover.”

    There is NOTHING good to say about this.