Fug the Cover: Ashley Greene


From the brain trust that brought you “Um, Vagina, Are You Okay Down There?” allow me to present “When Your Vagina Acts Weird After Sex”:

The vaginas of Cosmo staffers are apparently extremely passive-aggressive; acting weird, not speaking up when they’re not okay. Don’t let your vagina give you the silent treatment, ladies! Although I suspect it will happily chat you up once you force “52 Sex Tips…Inspired By Fifty Shades of Grey” on it. And by “happily chat you up,”  I mean, “confront you in the bathroom and angrily demand to know WTF you think you’re doing.” But just WAIT until your vagina discovers that you’re going to adopt Ashley Greene’s new look — the one where she wears jeans exactly the same color as the background so that she appears to be a floating torso at all times. TAKE THAT, VAGINA. NOW YOU’RE INVISIBLE. Who’s acting weird now?

 

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Comments (54):

  1. cathy
    0

    seriously? there was no better picture of a girl that pretty? or her weird acting vagina? god i hate cosmo…

  2. Jill
    0

    My first thought was that the wind machine was blowing on her so hard she’s struggling to keep her head upright.

    I do like those pink jeans though, even if they seem invisible!

  3. Eleanor
    0

    I looked at it too quickly and thought it said “the HO issue”.

    • LilaRose
      0

      Me too! And even though I know it says ‘hot’, I still keep reading it as ‘ho’. Oops.

      • drPhilG
        0

        OMG, I came to the comments section to say exactly the same thing. Poor choice of color for the letter t… Q: do ho’s vagina’s act more, or less, weird? discuss…

        • TaraMisu
          0

          Me too LOLOL!

        • jenny
          0

          The Ho issue! I was actually impressed with them for just owning it. And then I saw that sad little T and it was pedestrian again. Dear Cosmo Cover Designer: try harder.

    • Sarie
      0

      Yup, me too. It’s the Ho issue.

      • Art Eclectic
        0

        Heh,every issue of Cosmo is the HO issue. Really, after 30 years and over 1 billion sex tips, they’ve fairly well established it now. No magazine has more thoroughly covered the mystique of the vagina for women everywhere.

    • AnastasiaBeaverhause
      0

      HA! I came to the comments specifically to see if anyone else read it as “Ho Issue” :-D Awesome.

      Way to proof, Cosmo.

      • Ranee Singleton
        0

        Me too!! It looks like everyone got it but the proof readers at Cosmo.

    • Amy
      0

      Yep – me too. And then I wondered how that’s different from every other issue of Cosmo.

      • Heta
        0

        One more for the did-anyone-address-the-”ho”-issue. Are you kidding me? Plus, placing “VAGINA ACTS WEIRD” next to her crotch draws attention to the bizarre-wrinkling, nearly-camel-toeing action there. No good.

    • Christian
      0

      Me 4. Seems appropriate for Cosmo. I can’t recommend the video of the guy and girl trying out one of Cosmo’s many suggested “sex tips/moves/whatever the hell they recommend” enough, it’s very funny (and SFW).

      And I must say, as someone who was a teen in the 90′s, I never, EVER thought any of these 90′s fashions (floral halter tops for one) would come back.

    • bdecked
      0

      Wow, I did that too!! “The Ho Issue”…

  4. lefty
    0

    Her face looks even tighter than Joan Crawford’s.

  5. Nicole
    0

    This whole cover and outfit looks very 1990.

  6. Billie
    0

    She looks eerily like Teri Hatcher here.

  7. kirsty
    0

    They made her look like Teri Hatcher. Why would they do that?

  8. Mel
    0

    It is the HO issue….

  9. Charlene
    0

    The “T” of Hot is totally blending into the floating torso and at first glance I read “The Ho Issue.” Perhaps this explains the angry vaginas?

  10. Claire L1
    0

    Are they trying to do a 3D cover by taking her head off of one picture and placing it on another…. they’ve made her look like a living bobble head! But where the head is smaller than the body.

  11. Art Eclectic
    0

    It would have been more appropriate for Cosmo to choose a cover girl known for flashing her ladybits, where none of them available? I mean, seriously, if you are going to talk about weird vaginas you might as well go big or go home.

  12. val.
    0

    Tyra would disapprove of the absence of a neck in this photo.

  13. geez
    0

    Quick, send somebody over to DKNY and get some decent clothes for the girl! And send this stuff off to Miley Cyrus or Vanessa Hudgens.

    • Kat
      0

      I would honestly praise Jesus if V.Hudg wore something this normal looking.

  14. Chrissy
    0

    When I first glanced at this the t on “hot” sort of blended in and for a second I thought it said “the ho issue.” Anyway, they need to stop with these ridiculous subheadings.

  15. Shiitake
    0

    I often thought Helen Gurley Brown’s vagina had teeth.

  16. Emily
    0

    This picture makes my jaw hurt. Like why is she straining her neck so much… I am not sure but it looks painful.

  17. Gail
    0

    I think her butt is acting pretty weird too, because it has a hand coming out of it!

  18. Tracy L
    0

    Ha ha, the ‘Ho” issue, I love it. FAIL Cosmo. Does anyone read Cosmo anymore? Bet Ashley loves having a thumb grow out of her hip.

  19. Sarah
    0

    I think she kinda looks like Bethenny Frankel.

    I think I had sheets in the early 90s in the same pattern of her shirt.

    • Miranda
      0

      Agreed! I saw a copy of this issue sitting upside down and I totally thought it was Bethenny Frankel. Nice job Cosmo!

  20. Alle C
    0

    What a bizarre pose. As Miss J would say, she looks like a no-neck monster.
    Did Top Model teach us nothing???

  21. Guerra
    0

    I really like this outfit.. It’s very current

  22. hailey
    0

    why does her neck look so…strained? Like her collarbone’s going to come popping off the cover and at us.

  23. Lynne
    0

    Okay, she looks weird for someone who is actually very pretty. Granted. But am I the only one who really wants those pink denims? I hate the Kelly Taylor crop top but my wardrobe could totally use those pants.

  24. First Timer
    0

    Ouch!! Just looking at that pose makes my neck hurt…it appears that she’s straining to keep her head from succumbing to gravity that’s ten times stronger than normal.

  25. Sajorina
    0

    Her face & body look BEAUTIFUL, but that mix of pink background + pink jeans + floral patterned top + leopard print covered stool = WEIRD! Probably as weird a the woman who wrote that article’s vagina behaves! Thankfully, my vagina and I are in good terms, and she’s so well behaved!

  26. Tess
    0

    If you’re looking to 50 Shades of Grey for sex tips, I think it’s time to give up sex entirely.

  27. vogue-sky
    0

    Love all the pics, fabulous style.
    http://www.vogue-sky.org

  28. Franziska
    0

    I think she looks like a cross between Olivia Palermo and Jennifer Jackson. Poor Ashley, what have they done to her?

  29. Trace
    0

    Really editors. Wouldn’t Fifty Sex tips from Fifty Shades of Grey be a better headline? Just get rid of two and you have a nice, catchy (though, inevitably pointless and dumb) title.

    Also, pink jeans. NEVER AGAIN!

  30. robrae
    0

    The background is totally the Art Director’s choice. I am certain the folks on press had a difficult time holding any kind of contrast. I think the rest is simply BAD photoshop. A head from one photo, arms from another, etc. What’s with the man-hand look on her right hand? Yes, it is possible to not get a good photo from one of these shoots.

  31. TonyG
    0

    LOL Fug Nation! These comments are so fiercely funny!

    P.S.: I kind of like the outfit she’s wearing.

  32. Lily1214
    0

    Her breasts look slightly cockeyed. Maybe the camera angle?

  33. vandalfan
    0

    With the clavicles, tight shoulders, and straining neck tendons, it’s like she’s facing into the blast of an icy wind machine and it startled her.

    “Turn him on from across the room”? Do men come with remote controls now, like the TV or garage door?

  34. Jane
    0

    For a moment I thought this cover read ‘The ho issue”!

  35. Rubee
    0

    If I were a celebrity -as I think this girl is-, I would never let the word “vagina” to appear on any of my covers. This is one of the worst photo works I’ve ever seen. The art director took away from this girl her natural elegance and poise to make her look like the ordinary D-starlet. I love the pink jeans, but not necessariliy with that trashy top.

  36. Scanderoon
    0

    I cannot stop making an exaggerated frowny face. It’s stuck. On my face. Because of this magazine cover.

  37. Thomas S. Kellner
    0

    The actual Bend Bend style is a lot much more luxurious as well as intended for clients that like to end up being because showy within their design since the manufacturer Thomas S. Kellner