Fug the Card: The Kardashian Christmas Card (Kristmas Kard?) 2013


Oh my god, you guys. This card is literally so big that I can’t even fit the entire thing on this website. LOOK:

In order for it to fit, I have to shrink it down to the size of a Band-Aid, which makes me wonder if it arrives in, like, a box originally made for framed Magic Eye posters down at Ahhs. If you are on the Majestic Kardashian Khristmas Dist. List, please do let us know if that is the case. Maybe it comes already under the plexiglass it so richly deserves? (You can click on the pic and it will take you to a place where you can “view full size,” if you really want to get the whole KARDASHIAN EXPERIENCE at once, which I expect will feel like those old Hitachi Maxell ads where the dude’s hair and tie are blown back by the force).

The whole thing is so overwhelming that they had to release, like, SEGMENTS of it individually so that we could actually tell what the f is going on (which you can see if you click through the slide show). And I have so many notes. Many, many a note. First of all, there are no husbands in this photo other than poor Bruce Jenner all the way to the right, and BRUCE IS ENCASED IN A GLASS TUBE PRESUMABLY TO SILENCE HIM. He’s also the “cashier” at this Kardashian Kasino because Kris sees him as someone who is trying to tell her how to spend her riches and that’s why she’s divorcing him. As I interpret it. But, seriously. A holiday card should not take the patriarch of the family AND STICK HIM IN A GLASS TUBE LIKE A TEST SUBJECT.

Kanye and Scott Disick got excused, presumably because: a) it’s too awkward to figure out how to include Lamar in this entire thing considering that he’s currently MAYBE on crack (I hope not; Lamar and Khloe are the only ones I really like) and (b) Kanye took one look at this set-up and started laughing and couldn’t stop. He and Nori are killing time over at the Marmalade Cafe at The Grove right now and he’s STILL laughing, right into his shrimp salad.

Also absent? ANY KARDASHIAN/JENNER BOY CHILDREN. I mean, I think Rob Kardashian is as boring as the socks he is trying to sell to us all, but COME ON. He IS a member of the family. Is there no clearer way for Kris Kardashian to tell her family, “half of you don’t matter to me at all” than by banning her own son from the family holiday card?

FINALLY: IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A HOLIDAY CARD? This looks like it was snapped on the set of an 1980s dystopian YA novel set at an abandoned casino. There is no tree, no menorah, no candy canes, no twinkly stars, no reindeer, no cookies, no dreidel, no celebratory glasses of fizzy alcohol, no dogs in Santa hats, no holiday iconography of ANY SORT. If your holiday cards lacks any holiday symbolism at all, and ALSO lacks HALF OF YOUR FAMILY and ALSO sticks one member of your family IN A GIANT GLASS TUBE, then I argue it’s not a holiday card at all. IT’S JUST A RIDICULOUS PHOTOSHOOT. BAH HUMBUG.

[Click through the rest of the slideshow to see it close up IF YOU DARE.]

 

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Comments (121):

  1. Gine
    +67

    …They’re just screwing with us at this point, right?

  2.  TheZulk
    +134

    This looks like a bus ad promoting the upcoming 300th season of ANTM–the one where bots compete in space.

  3. lefty
    +67

    WORDS

    • James Michelle
      +18

      Like WHY and HOW and DEAR GOD NO and WHAT and again I go back to WHY

  4. marie
    +11

    Apparently, one of the Jenner girls is standing on Kanye’s Rolling Stone cover magazine. So he didn’t really escape the whole kard thing. Vulture had a great breakdown of the easter eggs on this card.

    • Stephanie
      +5

      Thank you– I will have to check that out! I guess the K family got their Kristmas Kwish…everyone is analyzing and talking about them.

      • marie
        +2

        I don’t usually associate with anything Kardashian but Vulture was aggressively promoting that article in my FB timeline and curiosity got the best of me.

  5. Genevieve
    +26

    I don’t even understand what I’m seeing.

    • Maria L.
      +89

      I’m pretty sure you are seeing one of the circles of hell from Dante’s Inferno. “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” indeed.

      • Genevieve
        +13

        That describes the entire Kardashian oeuvre quite well, doesn’t it?

    • wildviolette
      +29

      Kannot Komprehend. Klearly Krazy.

    • mary lou bethune
      +41

      We are seeing the best example of wretched excess , vapidness, self-involvement, lack of insight, lack of common sense, and brutish bad taste the country has to offer.

  6. Jerika Coleman
    +4

    I was so happy to be flipping through the channels last night and managing to find the newest episode where this was revealed. David LaChapelle freaking out about having children on set was hilarious.

    • Amy
      +13

      So there was an actual shoot with everyone together, on a set? Because I FOR SURE thought this was all individual pictures of them photoshopped on to the same terrible background.

  7. karen
    +13

    That’s one hell of a card.

    And yet, all I can think is “that’s a lot of boob for a Khristmas Kard, Kim.”

    • Eli
      +6

      And here all I could think was that if Kris were not krossing her legs, we would be seeing where all the second-generation Kardashians emanated from.

    •  Shannon
      0

      Plus, if you look behind the faux-Katrashian sister in the Buck Rogers-era hat, there is a painting or photo of a full frontal female nude! Who has nakedity in their Christmas card, seriously? This thing isn’t even funny. It’s straight-up offensive.

  8. schadenfreudelicious
    +42

    I seriously thought Bruce Jenner was some random middle aged woman…good gawd.

  9. Stephanie
    +3

    Please tell me this is like a joke and this is a decoy to their real one. HOW would this seem like a good idea??

    I would love to think this represents the commercialization of Christmas…. Now doesn’t it make more sense than what it really is? Which is A celebration of K family money makers?

    • Anne
      +2

      …and you’re expecting good ideas from these people why exactly?

      • SpookShow Baby
        0

        Hilarious Anne. I guess Stephanie can’t comprehend that there are people with taste this bad.

  10. Lis
    +105

    So, I’m a bit ashamed to say that I watched the “making of the holiday card” special last night (I know) and Rob actually didn’t want to be in it because he’s feeling fat and doesn’t want any pictures of him… Scott said “I don’t care” and Kanye was on tour, so the photographer said “Lets do just the ladies! No men no kids” and then Bruce got all sad panda and so they “invited” him to join… then Kourt basically just dressed her kids up and brought them on set and said “This is a Christmas card, my kids are going to be in it” and the photog had a meltdown, but eventually caved saying “you’re not used to being told no are you?” at which point I screamed “IT’S HER EFFING CHRISTMAS CARD YA DOUCHE” and then I had to turn off the TV because I should not care that much.

    •  Angela
      +29

      Lis, thanks for a) the humor and b) sparing me having to watch that sick, gross show.

      • wildviolette
        +13

        Agreed. This is why I LIVE for “The Soup.” I’ll get the 30 seconds of the Kardashians I can physically stomach and not one second more.

  11. Hannah
    +36

    Kanye is one to talk if he is laughing at this. The Bound 2 video is at least as equally ridiculous.

  12. Annie E
    +5

    The choices of who to include or not include in this baffle me. MORE SCOTT DISICK PLEASE (though someone over at Jezebel pointed out that he is represented by the giant dollar sign).

    • elaine
      +4

      Can we put in a vote now that the 2014 is Scott Disick recreating American Psycho? Fingers crossed!

  13. qwertygirl
    +31

    These people are clearly on glue. It’s the only explanation I can come up with.

  14. Robin R
    +48

    This is what megalomania looks like, isn’t it?

  15. Stefanie
    +35

    I’ve always defended their insane Christmas cards because if I was loaded I’d totally do over the top insane Christmas cards featuring me in a ball gown riding my Saint Bernard but this….This is too much.

    And I genuinely feel bad for Rob. And for Kylie because she has a chrome vagina on her head.

  16. Rowynn
    +11

    Maybe the absent family members weren’t banned – maybe they refused to participate in this fiasco.

  17. Amanda in Austin
    +11

    Yeah, all the incredibly loud and obvious references to money are just GROSS. Not like this family wasn’t already completely whore-rrific, but still. On the “holiday” card? Really?

    I choose to believe that all the men (except Bruce, of course) are absent out of their own choosing. They attended the Khristmas Kard pitch meeting and were all like, “OH, HELL TO THE NO!” And then they all went out for beers together. I hope.

  18. Marcie
    +5

    If you watched the special last night, you’d know that Rob doesn’t want to be seen by anyone because he’s fat, Scott doesn’t care to be in the pic, Kanye is on tour, and Lamar is off being MIA. The photog was the one who wanted just the women in the shot, and Bruce was pretty upset. Kourtney also kind of snuck her kids onto the shoot and DLC was frantic about it. It was weird. But I still like them.

    • Annie E
      +3

      Wow! That is informative. Thank you (seriously).

    • joemama
      +5

      They obviously have an overworked photoshopper on staff. Couldn’t the brother have had his butt photoshopped like the rest of ‘em? Speaking of photoshopped butts…how is it physically possible for Kris to be sitting on a two inch wide ledge?

      • Claire1
        +3

        Or that one of the girls ( the one with her hands on her hips)….has had her hand somehow moved so that she has it hooked to some strange area on her abdomen that makes it look like her thumb has sunk into her stomach and the heel of her hand is resting on an extra hipbone….

  19. Bianca
    +46

    Perhaps they hired the guy who made the Danish Royal family portrait…it looks just as deranged.

    •  HelenBackAgain
      +7

      I thought of the Danish Royal portrait, too! Very reminiscent.

      Koarse, Kreepy, and Kitschy, all at once.

  20. Tamarin
    +4

    I was waiting for this to show up so I could read what everyone hear had to say about it. I did read an article breaking this down earlier in the day, and apparently it was supposed to be all artsy-fartsy and only have the “matriarchs”. But the kids and Bruce are in it as well. However this whole card is clearly on crack, and is not holiday-adjacent in any way. Isn’t the point of these cards to let relatives/friends see a cool, up-to-date picture of the family? And the newest members aren’t even in it…

  21. Kristin Denae Smith
    +11

    Look again at Slide #2. Not only does Kendall/Kylie have a chrome vag on her forehead (as Stefanie pointed out,) but look below her right arm. That, my pets, is full-frontal. Should we be expecting a Kendall/Kylie porn tape sometime soon? Keepin’ it klassy!

    • Edith
      +6

      I thought it was a stainless steel vagina, as well, but then I decided it’s a gravy boat. Either way, her side-eye is the most relatable thing in this whole photo.

    • Annie
      +7

      and her hand has been photoshopped so badly that its not even on her hip but sort of stuck in the middle of her stomach.

      • Julia
        +4

        That was the first thing I noticed, too! And I wondered if they meant to photoshop the poor child’s waist even smaller (which is clearly ridiculously unnecessary), but forgot to trim her… fancy bathrobe outfit while they were at it.

      • Claire1
        +1

        I should have read ahead!
        yeah…my eyes went right to that crazy photoshopped hand on the non hip hip.

    • Mel
      +2

      Don’t know what it says about me, but the first thing I noticed was the full frontal behind Kylie. Because nothing says Khristmas like nekkid folks!

  22. Cat
    +5

    Ugh, these people are ridiculous. I can’t even.

  23. Faye
    +6

    This is Kraptacularly Kreepy, even for that Klan. And it was Koldly Kapricious to leave Rob out of the pic.

  24. Edith
    +41

    Bruce is also encased next to / clawing to reach what appears to be a heroic male nude with an enormous package, which is wearing HIS GOLD MEDAL. This card is clearly one big f’you to him.

    That, and a surprisingly honest look at the state of their “empire” – crumbling, plastic, trashy, built almost entirely upon Kim’s beauty, and currently being gambled away. The Jenner girls are trying their hardest (which looks an awful lot like striking intentionally ridiculous poses to the rest of us); Kourtney is entirely distracted by her kids, Khloe is aping Kim’s pose but is so over this crap she can’t be bothered to stand, Kim is trying to appear game while waiting for just the right moment to bolt up the stairs and get the hell away from these people. Meanwhile, Bruce has finally realized how far he’s fallen, but Kris is completely blind to the situation and still thinks she’s sitting pretty.

    Aaaand, I just gave that way too much thought, didn’t I?

  25. Nikki
    +1

    The E! Kardashian Khristmas KSpecial was on last night showing the creation of this ridiculous mess. Scott D volunteered himself out of it, Rob didn’t want to be in it bc he is always every episode all the time concerned with his weight, and Bruce was a pity invite. I don’t think the Jenner boys are ever in the official kard? I think it’s pretty hideous for a holiday card – maybe a fun experience for a family photo shoot – but bad choice for this purpose. I love watching them anyway, however kracked out they may be! (anyone see the special last night and notice how Kylie was HAVING NONE OF IT?)

  26. Karen
    +3

    Words fail. Will they just go away if we ignore them? Let’s give it a try.

  27. Ariail King
    +2

    This reminds me of those riddles/games that used to pop up on the internet periodically — where you had to find the 50 hidden bands in some scene, e.g.
    http://dionaea.com/blog/images/72_Hidden_Bands.jpg

    Not sure what we are supposed to be looking for here…

  28. Margot Liggett Nack
    +2

    Playas got PLAYED by DLC.

  29. sarah
    0

    This is the best one yet!

  30. Fawn
    +5

    In addition to all the obvious issues stated before… why so much arm pit? Gross. Gross on so many levels.

    • jody
      +6

      Because the only thing that might possibly mask the stench of their vapidity and banality is pit stank.

  31. Rich
    +24

    This would have worked better as an advent calendar – though I dread to think what would lie behind the doors.

  32. Kaitlin
    +8
  33. Courtney
    +1

    God bless the Kardashians. That is all.

  34. CT
    +2

    I bet Rob refused actually. It you have seen any of their show recently, he has tried to stay out of the spotlight secondary to depression and body image issues. Poor guy.

  35. Heather
    +30

    Can you even IMAGINE getting this in the mail? What the hell holiday wishes do they HAVE for people this year? “Live like you are trapped in a pinball machine based on your own life”?

    Mason Disick looks like he just got shot, which is… uncomfortable.

    • Lynne
      +9

      That or he’s just been fed some questionable Kool Aid.

      Just when you thought they couldn’t get crazier. Half of me wishes they’d go away but then who would I turn to when I need to feel morally superior?

    • Stefanie
      +10

      Mason looks like he’s given up on life. He’s like “I cant escape this mess can I? I’ll just lie here and die then.”

  36. Morgan
    +12

    All I want for Christmas is for the Kardashians to GO AWAY in 2014.

  37. tigers4us
    +1

    Typically tacky and over-the-top. Is there anything vaguely holiday-themed, or am I missing something? This is eye vomit!

  38. MollySC
    +4

    LisaFrankBenderLSDCasinoTackyHangoverNOGODNOWords.
    This truly is an early holiday gift. A horrible, hideous, unnecessary, gift.

  39.  HelenBackAgain
    +2

    Krazy.

  40. Libby
    +2

    Actually, isn’t that a Nativity Scene there on the left? That’s the Christmas imagery, I guess. I think I’ll go throw up now.

  41. Art Eclectic
    +4

    Really, GFY needs a WTF? tag for exactly things like this.

    • Heather
      +11

      QUITE right. We actually have one (see link in masthead) and I’m filing this under it RIGHT NOW.

      • kscoaster
        +10

        Based on what you currently have under WTF, you probably should create a “WTF. Seriously. I mean, like W. T. F. tag.

  42. Art Eclectic
    +6

    You know what I can’t wait for? When somebody starts a parody holiday card featuring the various ex-boyfriends/ex-husbands of the planet Kardashia.

    At some point they’ll need a stadium to shoot the thing.

  43.  Angela
    +11

    I honestly believe these are the tackiest, grossest people on the planet. And they are in my face every day, and I don’t even watch their show! How is that possible? Who wants to get this mail and see these people? What? Who? Why?
    Gahhhhh!

  44. Dana
    +1

    I think the shorter “mannequin” in deep in the back sort of looks like Scott, but the resolution isn’t good enough to be sure. Anyone agree?

  45. boo
    +3

    The first word that pops into my head: skanks.

    I’m sorry. I can’t help it.

  46. pixie
    +18

    All I can think when I see Bruce is, “I’m in a glass case of emotion!”

  47. Esme
    +5

    This looks like one of Mad Magazine’s fold-ins (I wish). And nothing says “Happy Holidays” like an over-sized representation of a bunch of hairy gypsies.

    • martinipie
      +5

      Wow, there is no need to be incredibly racist when pointing out the absurdity of this card. There’s enough bonkers stuff going on already.

      • SpookShow Baby
        +1

        Not sure where you hail from Marinpie, but I’d like to point out that in the USA, the term ‘gypsy’ is not racist. I didn’t even know It was in considered so in Europe until recently. Here it is on par with saying someone is hippie or bohemian.

  48.  Charlotte
    +11

    In fairness, I would TOTALLY read an 80s dystopian YA novel set in an abandoned casino.

    • Kelly
      +5

      Totally!!!

      This is a treasure of a Christmas card. Who wants to go for Happy Holidays when you can go post-apolcalyptic wasteland.

  49. Bella
    +2

    There’s a boatload of symbolism here. I’m sure more than a few will have fun breaking it down.

  50.  Miss Louise
    +1

    Krass yet Kamp.

  51. SweetArlene
    +3

    What is wrong with these people? And, I’m using the term “people” loosely.

  52. TonyG
    +5

    This might be an attempt to poke fun at themselves, materialism and their own Christmas card over-the-topness, which has backfired so horrendously that all one can see is the smoke from their engine of crassitude.

    It really produces anger rather than cheer in those who look at it.

    Perhaps they are fed up with themselves. If they designed this themselves, I read lots of internalized frustration (if not hatred) with their lives into this.

    Does anyone know who designed this? Is this a Kardashian production through and through where they have complete control and dictate the design? Or, is the photographer mostly in control of the design?

    If the latter, then I say this is great commentary on how crass commercialism can lead one to the depths of soullessness.

    If the former, the Kardashian Klan, for all its media savvy — they became famous for non-existent talents after all) — the Kardashians, while poking fun at something (themselves?), managed to leave very few people laughing with them.

    The word is laughing at them. Alas, it’s all about publicity anyway, so maybe they win after all? Talk about a Pyrrhic victory…yikes!

    • TonyG
      +1

      Oops!

      “the word” should be “the world…”

      However, since there are no WORDS for this “Christmas” card, perhaps “the word” — language itself — is laughing at them too. :D

      •  Gypsy Danger
        0

        Engine of crassitude.

        Love this! Laughed so loudly that I scared my sleeping cat. He just ran off into the other room.

  53. Philippa
    0

    What is the black creature on the floor behind and to the left of Kourtney? It looks like a scary-big rat.

  54.  Gypsy Danger
    +2

    Everyone has already echoed my sentiments, so I will just say Oh.My.God. WTF?

  55. Kim Douglas
    +2
  56. Erin
    +4

    I…
    I…
    This…
    I mean….
    Yeah.

  57. Bambi Anne Dear
    +3

    And of course, such a vulgar, money-grabbing family of famewhores have ensured that there is no message or imagery whatsoever regarding charity, peace or goodwill.

  58. frumpybiscuits
    +2

    This is genius level crazy.

    You know what this looks like? Kanye’s Bound video. Right now he is probably saying that since we aren’t Gods we aren’t able to recognize other Gods/awesomeness. So if you don’t get the symbolism and performance art that is their life/Kristmas Kard – then you are not a God, and by definition you can’t see how wonderful all this is.
    Circular logic.
    I guarantee Yeezy had a hand in this. I mean Stone Mason imagery!

  59. cynicalsmirk
    +1

    I kind of feel sorry for them….it must be just exhausting to become more and more tasteless with each passing day :)

  60. Michelle
    +3

    Am I the only one who did a double take when she saw Kim’s face? When did she start looking like Elizabeth Taylor in the late 70s, early 80s?

    • Ruth
      +1

      Yes! She has definitely gone all Elizabeth Taylor. Let’s hope this is manic photo shopping and not more plastic surgery.

  61. Veronica
    +1

    Look at all that Illuminati symbolism. o_0 I’m not big on conspiracy theory, but that card is seriously creeping me out.

  62. Ogg
    0

    To everyone wondering why the card seems a bit odd, here’s the low-down on what it all means.

  63. renee
    +1

    WTF is this!? Honestly, this looks psychedelic not Christmassy to me. Like if someone was on crack when designing it. I wouldn´t doubt. I am more scared of this family than ever. Or maybe I should say: of Kris Jenner/K. This, instead of giving me whatever good feelings Christmas Cards are supposed to, is giving me the illusion of emptiness, destruction and mess to that “family”. Who know, maybe that´s what´s really going on. Look at those empty faces. Poor people.

  64. Joyce
    +1

    What is wrong with these people?

  65. Cruising
    +4

    What happened to Kim’s waist? Seriously. Look at her right leg where her rounded hip meets her natural waist, the look at her left side where the indent is right below the boob. So heavily photoshopped and they couldn’t even get it right.

    • cath
      +2

      Well, while the whole thing is rife with Photoshop, I think at least part of what you’re seeing is because Kim’s arching her body towards one side. This pose (possibly enhanced by ‘shopping) makes her body the shape of a $ sign. I don’t think that’s accidental, given the giant, golden $ sign beside her.

      • Eden75
        0

        Did no one recheck the photoshop of Kim’s hand either? I feel like maybe I am the only person who noticed it looks swollen and puffy, like she got stung by something, repeatedly.

        This is not a Christmas card, this is an invitation to Hell.

        • Diane
          0

          I cannot be the only one who noticed the gold railing next to Kim amazingly stops when it gets to her waist and then picks up again above her hair. They were all, “We’ll just use the clone stamp here…PURPLE!!” I guess they want us to believe that she whittled her post-baby waist down to what you see there when we’ve all seen the un-retouched paparazzi shots. And yes, what is with that stumpy paw she’s sporting? Photoshop 101…FAIL!

          I have to go say some Hail Mary’s and bleach my eyeballs. Later y’alls…

  66.  Blair
    0

    I think this makes a good case for Kim K on the cover of Vogue amirite!! Anna must be hesitating to put Kim on the cover because she is more iconic than Michelle O according to the authority on all things Kanye West

  67.  LT1
    +1

    Even in this the Fug Girls manage to go to a good place–the Maxell UK ad guy was Bauhaus’s Peter Murphy which, as always, brought me here:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a9tp4SEobY
    The ultimate palate cleanser.

  68.  moi
    0

    I would have ventured that this was taken by David LaChapelle, but then I realized even he isn’t crazy enough to smoke this kind of krack.

  69. Terrell
    0

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  70. Halley
    0

    I will be really, really sad if Khloe and Lamar get divorced.

  71. SpookShow Baby
    0

    Am I the only one that noticed the naked and woman behind whichever one of the Jenner girls that is? Like right under her arm. I just….can’t. I’m with Mason on this one.

  72. Soapstef
    0

    Absolute madness! They may have killed this photographers career.

    I think even Kris will skip framing this one for the gallery way.