Oh my god, you guys. This card is literally so big that I can’t even fit the entire thing on this website. LOOK:

In order for it to fit, I have to shrink it down to the size of a Band-Aid, which makes me wonder if it arrives in, like, a box originally made for framed Magic Eye posters down at Ahhs. If you are on the Majestic Kardashian Khristmas Dist. List, please do let us know if that is the case. Maybe it comes already under the plexiglass it so richly deserves? (You can click on the pic and it will take you to a place where you can “view full size,” if you really want to get the whole KARDASHIAN EXPERIENCE at once, which I expect will feel like those old Hitachi Maxell ads where the dude’s hair and tie are blown back by the force).

The whole thing is so overwhelming that they had to release, like, SEGMENTS of it individually so that we could actually tell what the f is going on (which you can see if you click through the slide show). And I have so many notes. Many, many a note. First of all, there are no husbands in this photo other than poor Bruce Jenner all the way to the right, and BRUCE IS ENCASED IN A GLASS TUBE PRESUMABLY TO SILENCE HIM. He’s also the “cashier” at this Kardashian Kasino because Kris sees him as someone who is trying to tell her how to spend her riches and that’s why she’s divorcing him. As I interpret it. But, seriously. A holiday card should not take the patriarch of the family AND STICK HIM IN A GLASS TUBE LIKE A TEST SUBJECT.

Kanye and Scott Disick got excused, presumably because: a) it’s too awkward to figure out how to include Lamar in this entire thing considering that he’s currently MAYBE on crack (I hope not; Lamar and Khloe are the only ones I really like) and (b) Kanye took one look at this set-up and started laughing and couldn’t stop. He and Nori are killing time over at the Marmalade Cafe at The Grove right now and he’s STILL laughing, right into his shrimp salad.

Also absent? ANY KARDASHIAN/JENNER BOY CHILDREN. I mean, I think Rob Kardashian is as boring as the socks he is trying to sell to us all, but COME ON. He IS a member of the family. Is there no clearer way for Kris Kardashian to tell her family, “half of you don’t matter to me at all” than by banning her own son from the family holiday card?

FINALLY: IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A HOLIDAY CARD? This looks like it was snapped on the set of an 1980s dystopian YA novel set at an abandoned casino. There is no tree, no menorah, no candy canes, no twinkly stars, no reindeer, no cookies, no dreidel, no celebratory glasses of fizzy alcohol, no dogs in Santa hats, no holiday iconography of ANY SORT. If your holiday cards lacks any holiday symbolism at all, and ALSO lacks HALF OF YOUR FAMILY and ALSO sticks one member of your family IN A GIANT GLASS TUBE, then I argue it’s not a holiday card at all. IT’S JUST A RIDICULOUS PHOTOSHOOT. BAH HUMBUG.

[Click through the rest of the slideshow to see it close up IF YOU DARE.]