I already know how I feel about this; the poll is about YOU, Fug Nation. YOU.

For me? I just can’t. I know it’s considered sacrilege in modern times not to worship at the altar of Johnny Depp, but I got a late start with him — I grew up in the U.K. so I never saw 21 Jump Street, so he was basically starting at Edward Scissorhands with me, and while that was lovely and all, it wasn’t exactly the kind of movie that made me warm for his form. And the thing is, I’m not saying he can’t look delicious, and I’m CERTAINLY not saying he isn’t an impressive actor. But I can’t pretend that I think he’s fabulous no matter what he wears. I just can’t look at him in this outfit without thinking things like, “Really?” and “How long did it take him to get dressed in all that?” and “What’s with the crusty hanky hanging out of his pocket?” and “Sigh, the tinted shades AGAIN, Johnny, really?” and “Does hiding your light under all those gimmicks mean you are grappling with deep self-loathing and/or insecurity issues that can’t bubble to the surface because they can’t get through all your scarves?” and “I hope that’s not true because you and your family seem very happy together” and “Remember when trucker hats were all the rage? At least we’re not THERE.” And it’s true. Thank God he is not wearing a trucker hat.

And so I want Fug Nation to weigh in, honestly, about whether I really am alone in this or whether someone else out there also thinks maybe he could stand to dial it down a few notches sometimes. This is a selfish exercise. And really, so is my opinion: I mean, half the reason I want him to strip away the froof is because the man underneath IS really attractive and why can’t we see more of him? Don’t deprive the world of the pretty, Johnny. I’m not saying it’s your responsibility; just consider it a present, a little gift to thank us for seeing all three Pirates movies even though they dwindled into nonsense.

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[Photo: Splash News]

Tags: Johnny Depp
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