Fug or Fab: Jessica Chastain


Have I just been worn down by months of her weird fashion choices, or is this kind of good?

Don’t get me wrong, it could totally be like that thing where you’re looking at apartments and the first apartment you see, you are totally insanely picky about it and turn it down because you didn’t like the silverware drawer or some shit, then by the twentieth apartment, you’re just happy it has a front door. (This is basically also the story of my dating life. You start off wanting to date Chris Evans and then one day you wake up and realize you’ve downgraded expectations from “Chris Evans” to “Chris Farley, but alive. Mostly alive. Half-alive. A quarter alive. Can he walk? He’s a zombie. Zombie Chris Farley. I can work with that. Zombie Chris Farley could be fun. He has goals. He has an interesting peer group. I can make that work. Sure, set me up with Zombie Chris Farley. He wants me to meet at the edge of the graveyard? Okay. Sure, that’s fine. No, I don’t have a van. I guess I can get a van. No van is a dealbreaker for Zombie Chris Farley? He’s a ZOMBIE. I’m ALIVE. Okay. Okay, yes, you’re right, I’m not getting any younger. Okay, fine. Yes, I can get a van. No windows, yeah. YEAH I GET IT.”)

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Comments (53):

  1. PeggyO

    Bad 80s realtor.

    • junior

      Now I can’t unsee it. “These windows really let in a lot of light, and you have the Venetian blinds for privacy.”

      • Helen

        And not just ’80s realtor, but fictional ’80s realtor, showing someone a place on the TV show Dallas.

        Having recently been house-hunting, I can really relate to “just glad it has a door.” Although Zombie Chris Farley… might rather be single… ;-)

        Anyway. I think this would work in a deeper color, and with better shoes. Make this a real jewel-toned purple (I think REAL purples look GREAT on redheads) and give it a proper evening shoe, like a peep-toe slingback, or the navy-blue T-straps suggested by karen below, and I say you’ve got something.

        I like the natural hair for her. I think it looks great.

  2. Mimi

    The dress is fine (although maybe washes her out a tad) but WHAT is happening with her hair? Terrible.

  3. Jane

    WHY IS SHE ALLERGIC TO COLOR??? Can you imagine this in a deep green, and with her hair not a frizzy mess? Jessica*, I would commit murder to have your coloring, and yet you dishonor it. For shame.

    *Obviously intended for Jessica C., though I’m sure you, Fug Nation Jessica, have lovely coloring as well.

  4. Lynne

    I like the dress but the color is atrocious on her.

  5. thereset

    If this was on Princess Charlene you would passed out from boredom.

  6. Gine

    I like the dress (but agree that isn’t her color) but the hair and shoes are terrible.

  7. erin

    I hope she improves before she starts the press tour for Mama, because if I have to look at her in her weird get-ups while she’s standing next to Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, it’s going to make me all stabby.

  8. meggiemoo

    Funniest post ever.

  9. youknowwho

    GFY Jessica, this post is hilarious!!!!!!

    • mary lou bethune

      It is hilarious.. you must have had lots of coffee today. yah coffee! yah vans! boo Jessica in this mess of a dress.
      At least she isn’t dressed like a trollop.

  10. Kara

    This is possibly the worst possible color for her – dress and shoes, both. Yeesh. (The post is hilarious, though!)

  11. pantsonfire

    I love this post–I especially love the absurd imagery. I’m imagining Jessica procuring a van that looks oddly like the Scooby Doo van and driving it to the edge of a haunted graveyard with heavy fog swirling about and moss hanging from trees.

    I can see above that others have criticized her hair here, but my first thought when I saw pictures of Chastain in this outfit was “I really like her hair and makeup that way.” So…to each her own, I guess. The dress, I think is not particularly good, but I’m firmly in the “worn down” camp and can’t muster much resistance to her fashion fug powers at this point. The only thing I can’t ignore is what’s going on with her left hip/thigh, and I feel like an ass for pointing it out, but it’s something I sometimes have to be mindful of in my own wardrobe choices, so it’s standing out to me.

    • pidget

      I agree, and kind of like the hair and makeup – a bit looser makes a nice change from time to time. And the waist is better than usual, as it isn’t hoicked in to the point of unbreathability.

      However, the colour is making her look bloodless. There is a rainbow out there – bright yellow, cadmium red, flame orange, all the happy vivid greens, violet, turquoise, lapiz, – pick any and you’ll look alive again.

    • Katie

      ok, and now all I can see is the Scooby van pulling up and running into zombie Ann Hathaway in her musty Valentino.

  12. Megan

    That’s a whole lot of bland, right there. I like the concept of the dress, but I’m with everyone that a bottle green would have been MUCH better, and we probably wouldn’t even be talking about her right now.

  13. Kirsten

    The dress is great. The colour is vile on her. She should have had it in a really strong turquoise.

  14. Stephie

    She always looks good. . .but never consistently GREAT. I want her to look awesome all the damn time because she’s so beautiful – and her hair – it’s ridiculously gorgeous. And yet here she has crimped it to the point of no return. Wear some color Jessica would ya’.

    • pantsonfire

      I don’t think it’s crimped. I think she went with her natural texture and wave here, which I want to applaud. Sure, the execution is not 100% here (kind of looks like she did it herself and I think professionals can generally help make your natural hair look a little more polished), but I think this waviness is generally good on her.

      I’m kind of tired of seeing sleekly blown out hair with big barrel-type curls added with an iron…so anything different, that feels less formulaic and “done” makes me happy.

  15. GigiNYC

    GFY, your description of your dating life kinda mirrors mine. You are hilarious and lovely and any man, living or dead, would be lucky to date you.

    As for Chastain here, I like the dress fine. It fits well and her hair and skin look great. But the shoes, oh, the shoes… Those nude pumps are hideous and make her look like she has absurdly pointy feet. Ugh. The girl needs a shoe intervention, stat.

  16. JC

    This post is the best thing I have ever read on the internet, ever. GFY Jessica, if I lived on the same coast as you, I would beg to be your best friend.

  17. Moni

    While the cut of the dress is absolutely okay, the colour is way too pale for her. It washes her out terribly. (Add to that the nude shoes and the lack of lipstick and nail polish and she almost looks sick…)
    The hair is nice, though.

  18. valueofaloonie

    Pastels do this girl NO favours! This would have been a million times better in a jewel tone.

    Given the particularly corpse-like appearance of her legs (I equally blame those boring shoes), I can see where Jessica (the author) might have been subtly influenced re: zombies.

  19. Robin

    The (lack of) color is bad. It fits wonky in the hips, and the draping looks messy, not artful. Those shoes are also terrible. Extra pointy and not in a good way.

  20. espeaks

    It looks like she has weird pointy Barbie feet!

    And amen to a jewel tone.

  21. Swifty

    The dress doesn’t bother me as much as the shoes. What is the point of wearing shoes that match your skin tone so perfectly? They look like pointy-toed Barbie feet.

  22. karen

    If I were her stylist here’s what I would have done with this dress (which I like): navy blue T-straps, deep red lips, and top of her hair pulled back with wavy tendrils pulled down around her face. Yes!

  23. Lily1214

    Just beautiful.

  24. Art Eclectic

    That color makes her look consumptive.

  25. boston61

    High heeled pumps look so dumb. Some pretty shoes that do no look painful and ill-fitting would have helped.

  26. Anne

    That was possibly the most tremendous digression (stream-of-consciousness? Segue into dating?) I have ever read. Also, the most accurate. Bless.

  27. Melissa Cowan

    The dress is blah and the color is not good for her. I am pale and colored my hair red for a time. Pastels are not your friend. Teal or green would look beautiful. Pastes make people question whether you are dying.

  28. WithoutaK

    Oh my goodness, this post was so hilariously distracting that by the time I got to comments I had to go back up and check the pic again because I had completely forgotten who it was about.

  29. Guerra

    I’m all for beautiful pale skin but this colour makes her look like a corpse!! She needs stronger make up t o define her feature especially the brows!

  30. Scanderoon

    I like the cut of the dress and think it’s pretty, and I agree with many people here that it’s not the best color for her, however – I think the flash in that photo is particularly harsh, and washes out both her skin and the dress, so that she probably looked significantly more alive in person.

  31. Nancy

    I can’t commit to any of the voting options. The dress – and the fit – is great except for the color on her – ugh! And the matchy-matchy lipstick/make-up just makes it more depressing.

  32. Bottle Ginger

    The dress is fine, except for the color. Flattering cut, not a design you see at every Macy’s. Good enough.

    But that pale lilac makes her look sickly! If she didn’t want the dress in a deep color like a COBALT BLUE, and insisted on a pale color, then a cream or peach would look much better.

  33. sufian arow

    the fasion for all time with your Scrubs that’s so interesting…….

  34. jowe

    I think Im dating zombie Chris Farley right now, but it is a little to monochromatic, with her skin tone, but she always looks a little mopey to me so maybe thats is. Like she cries a lot.

  35. house mouse

    If only it had been a different color. So close! And yet so far away. Classic Chastain, I guess.

  36. Shoeniverse


    ❀ #www.shoeniverse.info

  37. sufianarowa

    Jessica Chastain is my favourite but I always with my uniform so I can’t be like her but I am not bad at all…….

  38. Rubee

    Maybe it is the light, but I find scary both her face and dress seeem to be the same color: LIGHT PURPLE.

  39. MMB

    I cannot stop laughing at this post. It is now also my Facebook status update.