Fug or Fab, Again: Angelina Jolie


fug-or-fab

The other day, somebody wondered why we always Fug or Fab Angelina Jolie. All I can really say is, “Because I can never make up my mind what I think of her clothes.” it is very hard to separate her from her own mystique, from the sheer size of her fame and associated stature, and so all those things roll together to make you wonder if she’s wearing something legitimately good, or simply carrying off something you might not otherwise like, or in fact regally wetting the bed. She definitely has an authoritative air about her, she has a face that I personally think is her greatest asset in elevating her outfits, AND she has her own history of bland caftans to contend with that influences our relief over things like, say, this red dress:

She is also marriage-adjacent to Chaz Hands, formerly Ned Pantywaist, formerly the third-most successful Fiat dealer in all of Cannes, formerly B.Pittz, formerly Brad Pitt. And I’m so heartened to see him halfway back to the promised land that I might be blinded to all reality. Let’s take a look at Angelina on her own, for clarity.

Is it restrained that she left off the matching bright red lip, such a favorite among people who wear the color, or does it just look like she forgot — for the umpteenth time — to deal with anything above the neck? The dress itself, a Jenny Packham, is pretty and graceful on her, if not world-shaking. But she’s breaking out of her dour mold, so perhaps that’s enough of an earthquake for now, and we can move on to focusing on whether she’s eating enough protein and refined sugars.

Seriously, it’s like Chaz Hands is her minder, and she’s too whacked out on stomach acid to negotiate the red carpet by herself.

Grade her, and not on a curve:

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Comments (81):

  1. wtfnyc
    +1

    Oh, for God’s sake, woman, EAT. Otherwise, I’m worried that Chaz there will stick you between his teeth and hold you there as his douchey toothpick.

  2. Veronica B.
    +1

    Seriously, wtfnyc. “Skeletor-Face” is a good look on no one.

  3. nobody
    0

    I gave her a B – It would have been an A if she’d had that sandwich accessory. :-)

  4. Katharine
    0

    It’s okay. That’s not really her shade of red, though, I’d say; something less true red and inclining more to the wine end of the spectrum might suit her better. I actually applaud her makeup. It’s very carefully done, and she IS wearing lipstick, in a shade that very subtly picks up the colour of the dress and gives her some life without actually being all Scarlet Woman.

  5. Scully
    +1

    In the last picture they look more like the Madame Tussauds wax copies of themselves than actual human beings. Really confused and stiff wax copies.

  6. Sugark
    +1

    For the love of god and all that is holy and for the sake of your family – EAT SOMETHING!!

    It’s actually upsetting that we get used to seeing these pictures and soon they just won’t appear shocking. Such a gorgeous woman and now she looks like she should be hospitalised.

  7. Smlisles
    +1

    YES @Scully! Confused wax copies! I was totally thinking that when I saw the last pic.

  8. Willow
    +1

    She’s all skin and bones, and in that red dress she looks like the left overs of a KFC Bucket Meal.

  9. Sara Jane
    +1

    Nice clothes on a shell of a woman – these photos make me sad! Is she on drugs?
    Brad is always wearing sunglasses these days. Is he on drugs?

  10. Share
    0

    I get the nagging feeling that she is a robot. A nice-looking robot, but a robot nonetheless.

  11. Billie
    +1

    Totally Wax Copies.

    Please PLEASE, eat more than a sandwich, make that your appetizer, along with a pizza for the main and ice cream for dessert.

    And get a better bra.

  12. Lynne
    0

    @Sara Jane, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn she’s been a secret smack addict this whole time. She just looks so out of it.

    Once again, the Brange have sent in their robot doubles so they didn’t have to attend this event in person. They both look entirely synthetic. And she is just horrifyingly thin. I think she wears shapeless dresses because even the fashion world doesn’t make dresses small enough for her skeletal frame. Regardless, that dress looks like a tragic bridesmaid dress from 1974. Yuck.

  13. Clara
    0

    Hair. A. Mess. She needs big hair. I too love her make up, and yes she looks gobsmacked.

  14. Katie
    0

    You’re right: it’s hard to separate her from the “Angelina Jolie” brand. If I bumped into her at a party? Nice dress, pretty makeup, but honey forgot to do her hair. Everything would look better with that hair UP.

  15. vandalfan
    0

    She gets a C from me. Pretty color and nice hand, good ribbon belt, but her lack of attention to makeup and hair, and the funny bustline made it a B. The skeevy pittz-putz next to her, however, dragged her down a full letter grade.

  16. that girl
    0

    Good god Brad, that hair has got to go.

    I liked Angelina better when she was more vampy – in the big hair / push-up bra way, not in the rail thin, pale and clammy-looking way. She can be so sexy, but not with flat hair, shapeless dresses, and not enough meat on her bones.

  17. Fuh Ugh
    0

    Unlike bad celebrity wax figures http://www.popeater.com/2010/01/26/celebrity-wax-figures/ she and Brad always look like someone sent the wax figures to whatever movie premiere/awards show/event rather than the real people. Seriously, look a that picture of her on her own in the red dress above – who can tell with certainty that’s not a wax figure?

    She does seem awfully thin; I hate to think how small she’d look in person. And she kind of always wears the same dress. No matter what it is – what color, what fabric, it’s plain and drapey with that same blousey fit, elastic looking waistline and skirt that skims over her bony butt and thighs (sometimes with a slit). She looks better in the casual shots with her family than she does at the big events because 1) she’s animated, and 2) her casual clothes tend to fit better.

    Having said all of the above, the pressure on these people to always knock us over with their fabulous fashion at events is ridiculous. So, good for her for being herself – wearing a comfortable cut that she likes, easy hair and make up (ahem Gwen Stefani, I’m talking to you), shoes she doesn’t trip in, and keeping her lady bits to herself (Boobs Legsly, take note). Funnily enough, the one other “star” that routinely nails all of the above … Jennifer Aniston. Imagine that.

  18. Lori
    0

    I actually love the color and style on her. Gave her a B, only because her thinness makes me uneasy. That can’t be healthy, especially when you consider the ‘camera adds ten pounds’ axiom.

  19. jerkygirl
    0

    I really like the pretty dress, but all that “I’m so freaking tired and pointy from not eating, ever” drags down the look. She’s not “wearing the h*** out of it,” like she used to back in the pre-Billy Bob days (my favorite AJ era–she was in good shape and seemed a lot more down to earth, more fun, less snooty, etc.), but it does look good. And it’s a color to boot, so I gave her a B. Needs a sandwich and a real smile to get an A, imho.

    Brad, on the other hand, is one middle part and some Brylcreem away from playing Shemp in the 3 Stooges movie.

  20. Amanda
    0

    I’m getting hungry just looking at her. She looks like she is about to pass out. I can’t get passed how scared I am for her to judge the dress.

    I caught a minute or two of Mr. & Mrs. Smith the other day on t.v. She looked like a completely different person.

  21. CJ
    0

    Oh, my gosh, SCULLY, I thought the same thing. Totally wax! Maybe she wasn’t feeling well. The no-smile, slightly wistful expression makes her look like she’d rather be in her nightgown and in bed with a cold pack on her forehead.

    But I like her dress. It doesn’t need that extra piece of chiffon that’s hanging over the waist and making a short sleeve on her left side. Would have looked better without it. Then again, it does give her more volume. Without it, she would have looked thinner. Now that’s a scary thought.

  22. Caity
    0

    She looks like her wax figure in the bottom picture! It’s so life-life and yet, so very, very dead.

  23. Anne B
    0

    How much do these people hate the red carpet?

    SO. MUCH.

    It’s like they both stopped at the mall on the way to this thing, bought the first things they found that fit, and changed in the car, after agreeing on an exit strategy. It’s not that they hate us (though they can see it from here, I bet) — they just want to be home, eating organic cheese puffs and playing Wii Resort with the kids.

    I’m happy to see he shaved, though. This almost makes up for her dress, which I can’t see as anything other than “get-me-the-hell-out-of-here orange”.

  24. JK
    0

    They have how many kids — six, is it? Having been a nanny, I can back up that even with full-time help, having a lot of kids can be draining to involved parents; she seems to love being around them and spending time with them, so I can give her a pass on the tired/spaced thing. Putting in a few more post-playtime calories would do her face and figure some good, though.

  25. Sandra
    0

    Of course we can’t grade her on a curve; she hasn’t got any. I mostly like the dress, except for the bleeding waterfall on the bodice. Brad looks less skeevy than usual, but I sure wouldn’t buy that Fiat from him. Angelina looks ill. Not just the complete absence of body fat, but the pale shiny face and the thousand-yard stare as well.

  26. Eliza Bennett
    0

    Poor girl. Why on earth did she borrow Lady Gaga’s prosthetic bones? Maybe the Fiat Dealer sells bones,too?

  27. Chasmosaur
    0

    B. A smile would do wonders to elevate it.

    Also – while I’m glad she’s doing color, a deeper blue-red would suit her coloring better.

  28. Geemee
    0

    Good lord, you guys! I gave her an A. Love the dress shape, love the color, the makeup is nicely understated, the hair is shiny and healthy, the Brad is with her and the Brad loves her just the way she is (in other pics his hand is on her ass). Would a few protein shakes do her some good? Of course. But she’s doing a damn fine job of working with what she’s got.

  29. Wendy
    0

    I do like the color and I like the dress, to a point — the random ruffle on top makes the bodice look too blousy and sacky for my taste. I wish to goodness she’d put a little more effort into makeup and hair and, oh yeah, EATING. She just looks so wan and frail and unhappy all the time. She’d look miles better with some color in her cheeks and a genuine smile.

  30. Julie
    0

    I think she eats… All she can… but having 6 kids doesn’t necessarily make it easy to find moments where you can peacefully sit down and eat.

  31. Lookingglass
    0

    I would bump her up a full letter grade and a half if she ate some sandwiches and trimmed the sad crinkled tail of that ribbon belt.

  32. jennymiller
    0

    I think her clothes are beautiful but she looks sickly and jaundiced most of the time which makes the whole look just meh. And her gorgeous hair seems to lie limply around her shoulders. If she gained 10 pounds, did something with her hair and had some color in her cheeks she’d be on my best-dressed list

  33. Annette
    0

    Okay, full disclosure ever since the Brad/Jen/Angelina incident I have irrationally dislike this woman. I was always a big fan of her before and still keep hoping that old Angelina personally would come back, even though she came off as batshit crazy. At least she had personality then.

    That said she hasn’t ate in years. Her beautiful face always worked with some meat on her bones and ever since I can’t find her attractive. Actually everything about her I loved disappeared after Brad – the spunky personality, the smiles, the body. This is a step in the right direction but I want MOAR

  34. Sharon Gerhard
    0

    Is it too much to ask that Brad at least wash his hair for public appearances? I’m not asking that he cut it, or even style it (though either would be nice), but for god’s sake, clean it!

  35. MP
    0

    Good lord people, lay off the body comments. If it is not appropriate for those with more to their frame, it is not appropriate for those with less. It is possible she is unhealthy, but the same argument could be made for fuller figure women. A thin person deserves the same respect.

    (You can probably tell this struck a nerve with me — as a naturally thin person, I have endured eating disorder insinuations my whole life, and it gets very tiring.)

  36. Peony
    0

    How in the world does she get to keep her boobs that size while being that thin?

  37. Christina
    0

    Love the flowy but understated dress, the fit, the gorgeous coral colour, her subtle makeup, all of it! Her entire outfit in this pic gets a definite A from me. Not sure it’s fair to mark her down for Brad Pitt – you just know she’s probably as fed up as we are of his recent sartorial antics (and he is looking better in this pic, at least)! However, agreed: this woman needs a sandwich, stat.

  38. Tata
    0

    First picture was pleasant, second picture was interesting and the third picture scared me silly. That’s not the kind of slim you stay unless you’re in the throes of a full-blown eating disorder.

  39. Cecily
    0

    I gave her an A. Love the color of the dress, love its statuesque quality, love her (somewhat cleaned up) arm candy. She’s thin, certainly, but I think she just has those genes. Plus she has a million kids, and even with help, that’s got to keep her busy and burning the calories. *fingers crossed Brad is pointed towards said promised land*…

  40. Coco
    0

    “Wacked out on stomach acid”… that is brilliant! So brilliant that I need a new word for brilliant. I can’t think of a more fitting description for ‘Jelina.

  41. Pumpkin3.14
    0

    Dear Angelina,

    No matter if you choose black or color, caftan or mini, natural or glam makeup, you will always look like a walking coat hanger. The clothing will never enhance your “features” and you will never do the clothing justice.

    P.S. – Congratulations on having a face that makes the hanger problem moot.

  42. Amber
    0

    I gave her an A. I love her unconditionally. She’s thinner than she used to be, but I don’t think she looks any more sickly than a lot of celebs do. I love the fact that she’s wearing a color other than black. I also like her make-up.
    Brad looks better than he has as of late, but he needs to do something, anything, with that hair.

  43. ddukes
    0

    i feel like the party is over and they are about to implode.

  44. Bella
    0

    An F. She is all angles and looks like the wax dummy. She needs food, and lots of it.

  45. Rebekah
    0

    I don’t think it is fair to focus on how thin she is. Women across America holler if the media says a celeb is too fat– sexism! prejudice! objectification? So how come it’s okay to ridicule a celeb for being thin? You don’t know for sure what is going on.

  46. ak
    0

    Heather’s self-reflection is marvelous! On someone else, the dress would probably not bear commenting on, but on her, it’s still sort of arresting, even though the dress itself isn’t really anything special.The dress isn’t groundbreaking, but it drapes nicely and is a beautiful color.

    On another note…MP, your comments really resonated with me. It’s totally inappropriate to assume that, because she’s thinner than some idea of optimal femininity, she has some sort of illness, eating disorder, or pathology. Would it be appropriate to assume a larger person was larger because they were lazy and gluttonous? No. And yet the opposite is totally okay to say repeatedly. As a naturally thin person myself–one who would have killed in her younger days to have a “real woman’s body” like Salma Hayek’s–I’d like to second the comments about her having six kids, and to point you to the fact that she doesn’t look anorexic, undernourished, or skeletal. Her hair and face look healthy and beautiful as ever. I think she looks stressed out. I lost weight no matter what I did or ate when I was in graduate school, and I got more than my fair share of nasty, eat-something-woman comments.

  47. amy
    0

    She definitely needs to put some weight back on, I’ve seen her much healthier looking. I also wish she’d stick to a really dark tone for her hair, it looks rich and suits her very well. She looks a little washed out here, which is a shame because that is a gorgeous dress.

  48. Heather
    0

    We don’t, but I understand people worrying when a celeb’s appearance changes in a worrying way. Back in the day Angie wasn’t this emaciated so one worries she’s doing something unhealthy to maintain. I think that’s the root of the issue — a change for the potentially scary.

  49. Sajorina
    0

    I gave her an A! She looks AMAZING!!! I saw “Salt” last night and couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful this woman is! She takes my breath away… I love her in this color!

  50. Lina
    0

    I’d like to see her gain ten or fifteen pounds and sleep for about a month. She looks exhausted. I’m guessing this was shot at the end of the junket, so it makes sense for her to be wiped out, but heavens. If you don’t take care of your own basic biological needs, who will?

  51. Pam
    0

    In the second picture she seriously looks like a mannequin! I think she looks like someone just placed her head on some front window accessory!

  52. Becky
    0

    Yes, I’m worried about her-she looks so spaced out-the color is too harsh for her, she looks like she needs a nap and a hug!!

  53. BMA
    0

    She looks great. Her slenderness may not be to your taste but lets stop the malicious rumors about drugs or health problems. Her beautiful hair and glowing skin should clear up all insinuations about drug abuse or an eating disorders. Take a look at this woman’s close-up photos. She looks healthy and lovely. Absolutely the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. The negative comments about these two make me root for them even more. Love the fact that they always support each others projects. Good luck to them.

  54. BMA
    0

    She looks great. Her slenderness may not be to your taste but lets stop the malicious rumors about drugs or health problems. Her beautiful hair and glowing skin should clear up all insinuations about drug abuse or an eating disorder. Take a look at this woman’s close-up photos. She looks healthy and lovely. Absolutely the most beautiful woman in Hollywood. The negative comments about these two make me root for them even more. Love the fact that they always support each others projects. Good luck to them.

  55. Ann
    0

    Woudn’t you love it if Swinton took her under her wing?

  56. BeeDreams
    0

    Yes. Agree with almost every other PP, please eat some food. Even her knee looks uber skinny through the dress. Her knee!

    She seriously looks like a mannequin though. They should remake that movie with her. :p

  57. BeeDreams
    0

    Have to say though in spite of my negative comment above- I voted her an A as she is divine. Gotta admit. I just think that food needs to be consumed in Hollywood in general.

  58. BeeDreams
    0

    Just going to keep posting the more comments I read – yes, agree, she is not as tiny as many of the starlets but IRL she would be thinner than here.

    I saw Cate Blanchett at Taronga Zoo (in Sydney) a while ago and I almost died at how thin. Really, teeeeeeny tiny, bird like waif.

    Also agree w Sugark that we get *used* to seeing people look so thin that this is not shocking to us. It’s the norm and this frame of women is what my kids will grow up thinking is normal.

    Yes, she is obviously naturally thin – has been since she was a teenager and having six kids would definitely keep the weight off with running around after them. My mother was also naturally thin – she was 5′ 11 1/2″ and only weighed 60kg at MOST. She had protruding hips and you could see her rib cage. So I understand when its gets on those type of peoples nerves when we bang on about eating and it has nothing to do with eating.

    I don’t know my point anymore, I’ll just stop. I need a coffee & to clean my bathroom, so a mix of procrastination & caffeine deprivation. Apologies!

  59. DrSmooveJamz
    0

    She would be so much prettier if she ate something! I saw The Tourist on an airplane recently, and she’s supposed to be this striking creature that every man turns his head to watch walk down the street, and instead she looked like some street waif with raccoon eyes. They could have cast Jenny Humphrey in the role and it would have been more believable and hundreds of thousands of dollars cheaper. Ange, if you want to play these beautiful old-fashioned roles for women, you have to actually look like a woman. You know, with curves and things.

  60. cynic
    0

    @ Peony It’s called plastic surgery, aka a boob job.

    I personally cannot understand why everyone is so gaga over these two. They look hideous ALL THE TIME. I’m firmly convince the Pittster isn’t even human because of the way he morphs into whomever he happens to be dating/married to at the time. And as for Skeletor… um, yeah… think her lips have been hording the sandwiches and not letting them progress on to the stomach so the rest of the body can get the benefit of nourishment too.

    Love the colour of the dress, but it’s a shapeless sack.

  61. witjunkie
    0

    I give her an A on the lip, it’s perfect…it’s not nude, which is getting really boring and that Jolie does too much, I think, as great as it looks on her; and it’s not a garish red either. I’m just so pleased there is COLOR on her lips. Can you imagine how wan she would look without it.

    And: THANK YOU FOR SHAVING BRAD PITT IT’S ABOUT FREAKING TIME

  62. Kelsey A
    0

    She looks waxy, her dress doesn’t seem to fit, and I’m not entirely convinced she brushed her hair before this event.

    The thing is Being Angelina Jolie is only going to work for so long, especially when THIS is the best you’re going to do.

  63. Sneza
    0

    The reason you Fug or Fab Ange every time is because her outfits are totally a coin toss every time. :shrug:

  64. yeah
    0

    ahhhh she looks fine for god’s sakes….shes Angelina freaking Jolie Queen of all She Surveys…shes stunning, shes beautiful, shes hot…nuff said.

  65. Katie
    0

    I just wish she’d wear a bra (or a better-fitting one). From the looks of it she has nothing on, and that does NOTHING for the silhouette or her figure overall. She could have done more with her hair, especially since this is basically all she ever does with her hair, which is kind of boring. Her makeup, however, is wonderful (IMO). She does seem sandwich/etc. deficient, but I’m sure being a wife, mother to 6 children, actress, and UN Ambassador doesn’t help with stress/busy-ness/etc. weight loss (or gain).

  66. SEM
    0

    Is she on medication or just perpetually miserable? The woman doesn’t have an ounce of spark or personality in her entire body. Makes me feel sorry for her (and Brad) actually…

  67. exquisite red
    0

    Well, at least Brad bothered to shave. Now if we could just get him to wash his hair…

    And to anyone who thinks she looks healthy…really? Go look at some older pictures of her. I understand that many women (my sister is one of them) are very naturally thin, but she hasn’t always looked like this. Check out some snaps from her awards circuit when she won the Oscar for Girl, Interrupted…thin, but not this thin, and a helluva lot more lively! I don’t like her at all, but at least back then she was interesting. Yes, kids wear you out…so stay in for awhile and rest (and eat) up.

  68. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    Wow, her boobs are really out there….. Brad, please change that hair. I really do love you but I might have to administer some sort of follicular discipline.

  69. Lesley
    0

    I’m sure someone mentioned this, but she looks like a wax figure of herself.

    The color is nice, though.

  70. Molly
    0

    I wonder if she is pregnant and barfing.

  71. Emma
    0

    I almost never wear red lipstick with a red dress. It’s too harsh and a little 80′s.

    This is okay, but I hate the shiny tie at the waist, and FOR PETE’S SAKE EAT A SANDWICH, woman.

  72. JanetP
    0

    I read a while ago that the UN refugee stuff she does affects her so much that she feels guilty for having so much, which I can understand. Hard to enjoy food when your volunteer job is raising awareness for and visiting people who are literally starving.

    Anyway. That said, in all the photos I’ve seen of this red carpet, she looks miserably unhappy. But I love this color on her.

    Funny, Heather, that you said she never does her hair or face. I was just looking at a competing fashion slideshow of her and Jennifer Aniston and was struck by how Angie glams up for the red carpet in a way that JA totally doesn’t — talk about never doing your hair! Enough with the false competition between them, I know, I know, the timing was just amusing.

  73. Lady Satan
    0

    I gave her a B. I love the Grecian goddess styling of the dress, and despite it being a bit too much on the orange side, I love the colour. Make up is also good – it doesn’t compete with the dress (Gwen Stefani please take note). Her hair though … it’s shiny but the style is so “meh”. She either needs to put it up, or get more oomph in there – big soft curls, something. It’s not horrible, it’s just too everyday hair.

  74. amy
    0

    eateateateateateateateateateateateateateateateat

  75. Annabeth
    0

    Gave this a B. I like it without loving it. The cut is pretty, figure-flattering without being desperately clingy, and I like seeing her in a bolder color, even if it’s not her ideal shade. Speaking of that, I’m glad she didn’t go matchy on the lipstick; that red wouldn’t have looked good at all on her lips, and if you’re wearing bright red but not going matchy, the best alternative is to do something subtle, like she has here.

  76. Su-Yin Johns
    0

    I really like the colour of the dress, and the hair and make up. However she never looked prettier than when she was pregnant with the twins, i.e. at her heaviest.

  77. Jackie
    0

    Can someone please tell Angelina to eat a stick of butter wrapped in a steak

  78. Me
    0

    yah, the question continues to be “is it a good dress, or an Angie dress?”

  79. sarahhf
    0

    I gave her a B. I think she looks great except for her hair — which looks like my hair every single time I go out, when I inevitably look in the mirror, try to figure out what to do with my hair, and then say “oh, screw it, I don’t know how to do hair. If I’m ever not broke I’ll get someone to style it for me.” And Angie’s definitely not broke, so probably she ought to get someone to do something about that.

    Agreed with MP and others that people should lay off the weight comments. I don’t think she looks unhealthy, just thin in a way that isn’t uncommon in women who are already thin and then have a couple of pregnancies. Accusing people of having eating disorders is insulting both to those who are just naturally thin, and to those who are suffering from disorders and don’t need more shame to deal with.

  80. Aly
    0

    I always thought she dressed in a way to draw attention away from the clothes. When I think of Angie all I can usually remember is a black dress vs other actresses are remembered because of the dress (Cher anyone?).

  81. Melanie
    0

    I think when you watch someone get progressively thinner and thinner over the years, it is perfectly natural to wonder about their health.
    I’m not sure what her having 6 kids would have to do with having time to sit down and eat a leisurely meal; she’s not a single parent handling 6 kids on her own, and obviously she and Brad have someone watch the kids when they go out.