Fug Madness Round Two: Cher Bracket Part I


(1) RITA ORA v. (8) VANESSA HUDGENS

Rita Ora really brings the magic everywhere she goes — including here, where she is (as far as I can tell) the world’s cheeriest auto mechanic:

She ran over Adrienne Bailon in the first round, and I think it was due to the following. Sure, you’ve already seen this, but I thought it was only prudent to visit the ensemble that took down the vagkin:

I mean, that is possibly the worst thing that ever happened and I don’t understand how a person can look at that and think anything other than “OH SWEET JESUS GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.” It looks like an advanced torture device.

This is also questionable:

You can tell things are crazy when the paparazzi behind you look confused. They’ve seen everything and they’re still like, “wait….she’s like two-thirds sporty, one-third Coco. Not Chanel. The one Ice-T loves.”

Why don’t they make the employees of Hot Topic wear this as a uniform? It is both fiery AND you can just wipe it down with a wet cloth:

Plus, her sensible shoes are helpful when you have to be on your feet all day!

Or when you have to run from whatever it is that’s living on your dress:

And honestly, I don’t even KNOW what’s happening here:

But this isn’t all she brought us. We’ve barely tapped the tip of the iceberg Ora. She looked like a Rose Parade float at the EMAs, and she appeared to be standing with the help of a kickstand at the BRIT Awards (her dress is okay, but I couldn’t resist reminding you of the time her posture out-Paris’ed Paris) and she wore all MANNER of craziness to fashion week, including a situation where HEELS WITH A SWEATSUIT WASN’T EVEN THE WORST THING.

And while we’re talking about total lunacy, we have to tip our hats to Vanessa Hudgens’s lace pants — the sibling of the pair that won her Fug Madness last year:

I just want you to sit quietly for a moment and reflect on the fact that good old Hudgens decided that ONE pair of sheer lace bell bottoms was not sufficient for her wardrobe. Just reflect on that for a moment. (She also wore a lace shirt AND lacy tights at the same time. And another lace-trimmed bodysuit. And a somewhat lacy crocheted sweater. She loves herself some lace. I wonder if she also loves the novel Lace. Please reboot that for ABC, V. Hudge.)

Also, reflect on whether or not you think this ensemble was inspired by Johnny Depp:

I vote yes, and it makes me giggle.

This one feels more Olsen-inspired than anything else:

And this, of course, at Coachella, was officially brought to you by whatever they put in the water supply at Coachella. Remind me to send those people some flowers, because Coachella has turned into a cavalcade of crazy in a way that I sincerely appreciate.

You saw these shorts in the last round, where V. Hudge narrowly bested Katie Holmes, but I couldn’t resist including them once more. They are like a delicious sandwich recipe — too good not to revisit:

My fervent prayer is that one day this lace robe meets those lace pants, and then magic really happens.

Archives: Rita Ora, Vanessa Hudgens

(4) JESSIE J v. (5) J. LO.

Also known as The Battle of the Js.

You can really drink in all the fine and varied work turned in by Jessie J this year in her archives (which I’ve linked at the bottom, as in all these posts), but I thought it might be fun to kick this off with a look at the subsection of her output in which she truly, er, excels. THE CATSUIT:

That is…something.

This is also the same sort of aforementioned something:

And this, this is really something. A Kelly Taylor In The First Season of 90210 Kind of Something. A very very special something:

I’m just impressed by the tremendous stones (and very firm flesh) it takes to actually decide, “yes. I AM wearing a catsuit. I’m wearing MULTIPLE catsuits. I AM GOING TO BE CRAZY CATSUIT LADY.” Even more: “I’M GOING TO BE CRAZY CATSUIT LADY AT THE OLYMPICS.TWICE.

 And speaking of SOMETHINGS:

Are those technically even pants? The crotch seems like a technicality at best. And if not, what IS that article of clothing called? If the crotch is not really a crotch, but there are LEGS, it can not be a skirt. It’s like….a loincloth attached to legwarmers? Can we call it a Loinwarmer?

Speaking of loins, it strikes fear into mine whenever I have to write about J Lo, because I can not channel her the way Heather does. So I will just keep this simple:

HOLA LOVERS!

HOLA LOVERS?

HOLA….LOVERS.

HOLA: LOVERS.

LOVERS? HOLA!

H-O-L-A L-O-V-E-R-S!!!!!!

Plus: Hola! Hola? And (Hola).

Archives: Jessie J, J Lo

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Comments (35):

  1. ab
    0

    jlo ftw. that woman has way too much $ invested in people who surround her compared to jessie j to continue dressing like that.

  2. Michelle
    0

    When it comes to fashion, Rita Ora and Jessie J need to be lobotomized. That is all.

    • testington
      0

      I’m excited for them to go head to head in the Battle of the British PopStars Nobody in America Asked For

  3. cath
    0

    I just can’t bring myself to vote on Ora v. Hudgens. I am not ready to accept that vagkin is eliminated already. Seriously, I think we need to check if Team Ora is connected to the company that calibrates the voting machines.

    • Mongerel
      0

      I’m with you, Cath. Vagkin was the worst of the worst of the worst of the worst.

      • natalie
        0

        i completely agree, i was ready for a championship battle between the Vagkin and pretty much everything Justin Bieber puts on.

    • Stefanie
      0

      Yes. Im right here with you.

    • jennie-suz
      0

      I completely agree! My bracket had way more vadgkin in it than we got to see this year (er…don’t read too much into how that came out).

  4. Brenna
    0

    I will say this for Jessie J – you have to be confident that your body is KILLER to wear that many spandex jumpsuits. Luckily for her, her body is killer, so she should dress it in something much, much better.

  5. Alma
    0

    I agree with cath, how is it possible that the vagkin got knocked out????!?!

  6. OH
    0

    I just can’t vote Fug for people who are obviously maintaining a certain image. Jessie J and Rita Ora are performers in a certain genre. They look the part and they look like they’re having a lot of fun doing it. On the other hand, JLo and Vanessa Hudgens seem to think they look good.

    • Steph J
      0

      same. I went with JLo and Vanessa ftw as they don’t seem to realise how crazy bad their outfits look, whereas the other 2 are purposeful in their ‘let’s look ridiculous’ antics

  7. Kit
    0

    I’m surprised how easily Vanessa was beaten by the cracktacularness that preceded her in the form of Rita Ora.

    Also – I love JLo’s shoes in the first and last pics. Divine.

  8. CLM
    0

    I can’t bring myself to vote for people who are clearly going OTT as an attention-grabbing shtick – it just feels so manufactured and fake. You look at Rita Ora and Jessie J and you what happens when not-as-clever-as-they-think management teams contract out to trying-too-hard “edgy” stylists, and use their “talent” as mannequins. Of course it’s fug. They’re trying to get your attention. Maybe that’s why my reaction is to just ignore them – otherwise it’s just rewarding bad behavior.

    Hudgens and J Lo no doubt have their own management teams working overtime too, but you really get a sense that they’ve got no problems with what they’re wearing. That’s more in the spirit of Fug Madness, I’d say.

  9. jen310
    0

    Dollar Store RiRi is bringing the fug. Vanessa had an up and down fug year. She mostly brought the style when it counted but she never truly neglected her fug ways, God bless her. Even Vanessa’s SECOND pair of lace pants were better (if that is possible). Rita played a much better fug game. Go Rita.

    Jessie J and her catsuits, leotards, biketards, her everything cannot best JLo’s smug, holier than thou divatude, drop-crotched, half-naked, shiny, fuggery. But is is the loinwarms (BRILLIANT, BTW) that really defines this win. Double J will go far.

  10. Rayna
    0

    Granted, JLo and La Hudge are fierce competitors, but come on, Peeps, Rita Ora and Jessie J bring a truly imaginative level of skanky ho-bag fug (skankfug?) to the table and, errr, wherever else they go.

    • Helen
      0

      Yep. I went with Jessie J and Rita Ora without even thinking about it, because they look cheap and sleazy.

      I don’t care for Lopez’ style, and Hudgens, while evolving, still wears some very cracktacular things, but they don’t look like someone might actually ask them, “How much?”

  11. Kris
    0

    Y’know, sometimes I think people vote for J.Lo when Heather channels her just because the post is so funny. But even JLo/Heather at her most spit-takingly hilarious can’t overcome Jessie J’s… whatever. SOMETHING, indeed.

  12. laura
    0

    GFY Jessica-you are awesome in your own right, but can you guys please arrange it so that Heather ALWAYS does the JLO posts? Pretty please? I think they’re my favorite GFY posts!

  13. Eurydice
    0

    I am sad. I was so looking forward to JLo’s acceptance speech – “Feast on this, bitches…” Perhaps she can give a “refuse to concede” speech?

  14. Mara
    0

    Dear lord, Jennifer Lopez is beautiful.

    That is all.

    • Anne B
      0

      Certainly too beautiful to be wearing tres leoparditos as a suit with her thigh-high Louboutins.

  15. Sylvia
    0

    Everytime I see Rita Ora, I think she can beat The Biebs and Kim K. Then I see Kim K and The Biebs and rethink my entire existence. But that rainbow number is so very bad.

    Jessie J has the “pants so horrible she’ll get to the Final Four” pants this year. I’m in distress.

    • Edith
      0

      Those “jeans” are some of the worst things I’ve ever seen. To her ETERNAL credit, even in the insane catsuits Jessie J never seems to take herself at all seriously.

  16. Sajorina
    0

    I hate mushrooms and Rita, Vanessa & Jessie J are mushrooms, as in I can’t even look at them! JLo actually makes me laugh, so I voted for Jessie J! In the Ora vs Hudgens battle, I went with my gut I voted for Hudgens, even though I knew Rita is taking this one!

  17. Sandra
    0

    I voted for Jessie J. because La Lopez sometimes turns up looking magnificent and I’ve never seen Jessie do so.

    And to be honest, I’m still pretty bitter that they choose her to cover FREDDIE FREAKIN’ MERCURY at the Olympics. Were all the talented people busy somewhere else that day?

    • Helen
      0

      That was so wrong. Few people can do what Freddie could do, but SOME CAN, and she is not one of them.

  18. agcons
    0

    Hudgens and JLo, for all of the reasons others have stated above.

    Lace trousers will never look good, ever. Compared to last year’s trousers, the colour on these is better, but that’s like saying jungle foot is better than malaria.

    Saggy surplice-fronted jumpsuits won’t ever look good, either. I don’t care if it’s actually a blouse and trousers, that outfit is still an abomination.

  19. Punk Laddie & Jif
    0

    If Ms.Ora doesn’t go all the way, I think she should be awarded some sort of Miss Congeniality prize, such as the Amber Rose Award For Fugliest Debut. Also, looking at her outfits make my teeth hurt.

  20. Genevieve
    0

    Rita Ora looks like Axl Rose in the picture with the head scarf and red purse. Dear God. Just that got my vote!

  21. Rachel
    0

    As much as I thought Jessie J deserved the win, it was still hard to pass up the possibility of an “Hola Looovers” one fugging moment. I think it might have given the Lopez an unfair (dis?) advantage in Round 1…