Fug Madness, Round Two: Charo Bracket


This one section of the bracket is apparently MUSICIAN v. MUSICIAN — so don’t forget to hum, or something, while you check out Rihanna and Carrie’s respective archives. (As you know, Fug Madness is a cumulative honor.)

Other than being singers, you wouldn’t think these woman had a ton in common. However! You might be surprised. At the very least, you might be surprised by how far I will go to make the argument that they have a ton in common. Um, they both like athletes? (My Dad was convinced throughout much of last year that if Matt Kemp didn’t pick up his hitting that Rihanna was going to break up with him, and he was right). Also, both ladies went for some tulle — or tulle-related something-or-other — at awards shows over the past year:

Although Rihanna looks way more NAKED than Carrie does, Carrie looks much more like she’d be likely to aggravate my seasonal allergies:

Over the course of the year, both ladies sported, um, pants. (As I would wager, did all of the rest of us. Except Taylor Momsen.) RiRi’s, however, were more of the jumpsuit variety, and easily found in aisle three of your local Party City:

Whereas Carrie’s came straight from the Colonel Sanders Lady-Tux Emporium, which was apparently nearly drained dry by a variety of ladies in the tournament this year:

Rihanna bravely showed no fear of short-shorts (or mixing patterns):

While Carrie did not shy away from legging capris and aggressively cheerful pointing:

Let’s get real: these ladies are heroes. I couldn’t wear those capris without breaking out in hives.

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THEY MEET AGAIN. By which I mean: in what possible universe will Ryan Cabrera and Julianne Moore EVER duke it out for anything EVER again? Cabrera is probably due to appear on another reality show soon — he’s only been on like FOUR of them so far. Maybe it will be the new reality show Who Wants to Appear In a Serious Period Piece About Rich People Who Have Like, Really Terrible Ennui? and he will WIN and the prize will be to appear in a movie opposite Julianne Moore? What? It could happen.

I hope this never happens again:

Nor this:

Nor this, unless it’s as a costume for a  movie adaptation of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, which I just read — five years after the fact — and which one of y’all mentioned in the comments JUST as I was reading it, and which has a LOT of ravens and ravens-related imagery in it. Also, footnotes.

My footnote to that dress is that I like the rest of it. The part that’s not a collar made of dead birds.

My footnote to THAT is to wonder a) why Ryan has SO MANY VESTS and b) obviously, what is up with that hair?

To wit:

And the long view:

Say it with me: DEAR GOD WHY.

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Comments (66):

  1. sophia

    i really underestimated the fug power of ryan cabrera’s hair. i had him losing 1st round to JLo, but now im thinking that monchichi/yahoo serious coiff is going to take him to the big show.

  2. InfamousQBert

    i voted for Julianne just to kick Ryan out of the game. i hate looking at him! maybe all the other folks who think like me are just at lunch right now and will come back and make a wild swing in her favor soon. *fingers crossed*

  3. Karen

    The hair, the hair…omg the hair…

  4. angie

    Is it just me or does Mr. Cabrera look like a Mr. Timothy McGee from NCIS? Well, if Tim stuck a fork in an outlet, and pudged up again!

  5. jen310

    WTH, Fug Nation. Have you seen what Julianne Moore has worn this year? Do you realize she is more visible with her fug because she is an accomplished actor? Don’t you believe because of this she should bring her A-game to all the premieres and award ceremonies that she attends instead of dressing like she is on a high grade of crack? Why is spikey, greasy, vesty, nipple-showing Cabrera winning over her. WHY, damnit, WHY? Do not let this Cabrera kid best the wacked-out fug of JMo.

    I went with Underwood because a pagent-looking girl should not dress like that in any circumstance. RiRi at least has some edge to her to back up her fug.

  6. Zgirl

    Holy mother of…..please end the insanity and STOP voting for Cabrera!

  7. Dove

    Is that Rihanna’s actual nipple showing in that first photo or is that some kind of optical illusion. Seriously I need a second opinion because I’m not comfortable staring any longer than I have already.

  8. ohh_missjones

    We don’t have Ryan over here in the UK. I’ve never heard of him at any rate. He’s vile though.

  9. zizzy zizz

    Who is Ryan Cabrera?

  10. Anne B

    What we have here is the category of Stage vs. Lifestyle Fug: those who do it as costume, or because their stylists select it (“it’s your Year Of The Sleeve, Ms. Moore!”), vs. those who live it. Who genuinely think it looks good.

    Ryan: I had no idea. I haven’t thought about this guy since a few episodes of “The Hills” I watched with my kid, but now I see: the hair is only the beginning. There’s Fug in the way he adorns himself with those pendants. The useless buttons on that jacket. The vests (what does he think they mean?). And the pants. Good God, man, SIZE UP.

    RiRi: Now this girl, she means it. Her Fug has deadly intent. (That little hat! I LOVE THE LITTLE HAT!) Check the look in her eyes, with that red-carpet head-tilt: She knows she’s our Rorschach test. And the look she’s giving whoever’s waiting for her at the polka-dot jumpsuit event: “Bitch, you *better* have my bedroom slippers.”

    Sending Underwood back to her day job at the mall. RiRi was born to this. Long may she Fug.

  11. Carrie Ann

    I reluctantly voted for J. Moore here, because I realized that I think 99% of Cabrera’s fug lies in that unmowed lawn he calls his hair. I mean, eh. It’s just a really terrible haircut paired with a boringly bad dresser. It’s fug, but Julianne’s Two-Face dress is horrifying, and she just has not been hitting it this year. She’s so effing beautiful, that her fug is more upsetting to me.

  12. Cecily

    I have the same question, who is Ryan Cabrera? I voted Julianne Moore because her sleeve manipulation needs to be further explored. Plus, I don’t know who that guy is, though he does dress his body and head badly. Rihanna FTWackadoodle.

  13. Gigi

    I’m old, too, zizzy zizz. Who is this guy!? And has the US Post Office required a separate zip code for the head suit?

  14. stefanie

    Who on earth is going to stop Ryan? He may be our dark horse this year!

  15. Chrissy Cunningham

    you know I just don’t like Carrie, I don’t like RiRi’s clothes but I like Carrier even less, it’s not fair but it’s honest

  16. Stefanie

    Oh shit, way to type my email in my name and my name in the email. Yikes.

  17. camille

    Jen310: Why is spikey, greasy, vesty, nipple-showing Cabrera winning over her.

    Because he is spiky, greasy, vesty, and nipple-showing. In what way are those not the components of a very fugly fug?

  18. Jessica

    Stephanie, I will edit that out for you!

  19. Bella

    Ryan is a nobody. But Julianne is big time fug.

    Carrie’s fug is truly legend – country style. Rihanna’s is just trashy.

  20. Darren

    DUDES! JULIANNE CUT TWO DRESSES IN HALF AND SEWED THE HALVES TOGETHER! Lady Gaga has not done that! She is above and beyond Cabrera and his bad hair any day of the week.

    Carrie seems wear crazed outfits when performing. But RiRi does so 24/7 so she wins based on commitment.

  21. dee

    Julianne reminds me of some of my friends who have no sense of style plus some extra money. Their idea of chic comes from when they watched Dynasty has a child. They almost pull it off but then make a a tragic error with a giant tacky accessory, poor fit, etc.

    Cabrera’s fug is a far greater tragedy. His fug is epic and never ending, from head to toe. And he thinks he looks smashing. Tool.

    Vote to Cabrera.

  22. Miss Em

    I voted for Julianne because, well, she is pretty enough and has enough $ that she should not ever be walking the red carpet wearing the monstrosities she usually dons. Also, who IS this Cabrera dude, and why should I care. He bores me. Make him go away.

  23. amy mck

    I can’t stop thinking about “Victor/Victoria” when I look at Julianne! I try not to think of Ryan….for that fact alone I must vote for the Jules!

  24. Anika

    I didn’t WANT to vote for Ryan Cabrera. But the HAIR. I am powerless against the fug.

  25. Dee

    I voted for Carrie just because I find RiRi’s fug fun. She’s just daring you to call her ridiculous. I kind of love that in a girl even when I can’t stand her music.

    Julianne got the second vote purely to my not knowing who this Ryan person is at all.

  26. jen310

    Camille, Ryan is merely gross and I don’t count that as fug. His clothes are not as heinous as Julianne’s and Julianne could easily move out of Fugville if she got some style. She is a class act and not some wannabe reality star (does Ryan even still sing?) therefore, I expect more from her. Her fug is definitely more visible to the world and Ryan will be forgotten quite soon. If Ryan washed and cut his hair he would be fine but Julianne will continue to dress badly. To me, her fug reigns – and always will reign – supreme. To each his/her own fug.

  27. wendy

    I like the “gross” vs. “fug” distinction. That makes sense.

  28. trish b.

    I won’t vote for Ryan, I just won’t. Voting acknowledges his existence, and if we studiously ignore him, maybe he will stop (like the Stay-Puft marshamallow man — yep, all my philosophies of life come from 80s movies).

  29. sarrible

    Ryan Cabrera’s endless moonface and freakish Chia hair are making my delicious lunchtime burrito sit poorly. I want him gone from Fug Madness. Gone, I say!

  30. Nina

    Ryan Cabrera was hot for about 5 minutes here in the US, that’s as far as I know about him. He’s pretty much dropped off the A-list radar and was replaced by Bieber/Efron/whoever.

    As much as I like her, I have to vote Julianna. I just can’t describe some of the stuff she wears, it’s downright crazy.

    Rhianna might be enjoying her ugly fashions, but I am not. Carrie’s is pretty bad, but Rhianna’s is just embarrassing.

  31. WendyD

    I’m mystified that this Ryan guy with bad hair that I’ve never even heard of is beating out Julianne Moore and possibly the two worst dresses I saw on the RC all year!

  32. Kate

    People, PEOPLE. If you don’t stop voting for Ryan, we’ll have to keep seeing his doughy, stupid face again and again. And let’s face it, Julianne (who I adore) has access to every designer known to man and should therefore look glorious all the time, whereas this Ryan loser dresses like your average douche on a Friday night. Please, let’s all collectively stop looking and maybe he’ll disappear. Like a T-rex and its food. Or similar. I don’t know, Jurassic Park was a long time ago. You get my point, surely.

  33. The Moonay

    Anyone who makes me go “oh GOD” and gasp-laugh when I just see his HAIR is worth my vote.

  34. sara

    I can’t believe you mentioned Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell in this post because someone JUST loaned me the audiobook (I like audiobooks for my super-long commute). So just for that, I have to give it to Julianne Moore. Of course, I also voted for Julianne Moore because I’d like to never see Ryan Cabrera frightening hair ever again.

  35. ksd1123

    Here’s the thing: Julianne can take the crazy dresses off, put on some jeans and a sweater and look like a normal person. Cabrera’s stuck with that headsuit.

  36. Sara

    I’m voting that we should kick out people who dress bizarrely on purpose, and weight the votes for people who actually think they look good.

    Obviously, SWINTON realizes her look is not for everyone, but Miley actually thinks she’s a trendsetter. God help us all if her “trends” actually catch on. Shudder.

  37. Eurydice

    Oh why, is right

  38. Stefanie

    Jess- Thanks so much!

  39. emma

    does Rihanna’s Vogue cover count for Fug Madness? Not that she really needs it to win this round.

  40. Anne B

    I just wonder how many times Cabrera has to jam a fork into an electrical socket to get that precise nimbus of scary-hair.

  41. Lisa

    Stupid Ryan Cabrera (whoever he is) is messing up my brackets. I agree, he’s garden-variety gross. Not the same as fug, which Moore is capturing beautifully.

  42. Marcus

    Allow me to get sanctimonious for a hot second: RIHANNA OVER CARRIE? You’re all confused. Rihanna dresses strangely, but she pulls 95% of it off and basically is cooler than 99% of the world. Carrie Underwood is in a never-ending theme pagent. You see that tuxedo outfit? Rihanna’s worn a tux pantsuit and owned it. Carrie can’t even play. I knew Rihanna would win because of the high seed, but I went with my heart and sent Carrie to the final 4. Because she deserved it.

  43. Mire

    I went with Rihanna because she is so trashy, no matter how she tries you always end up thinking of tramp stamps and sweat. A bit like Ke$ha, only I’d like to go on a night out with Ke$ha.

    I vote for Ryan Cabrera because, even though I don’t know who that is (I live in Britain) that hair will haunt my nightmares FOREVER.

  44. beachie

    The win goes to Rihanna simply because her fug is carried out on a daily basis, in every type of situation. Carrie on the other hand, seems to reserve her fug for performances and awards shows.

    The Cabrera/Moore smackdown was tough, as JMo really stepped up her crazy this year. Props to her, but it’s still not enough to beat Greasy McNippely. He could win on the merits of his hideous vests alone. This could well be the dark horse candidate of the whole show…

  45. pt

    People in the absence of the true SWINTON this year we have only Julianne Moore to look to… She has consistently brought the FUG all year.. this vesty man has one thing only to differentiate himself from everyo other douche bag at the night club and that is a furrier version of DJ Pauly D’s blow out…

    do encourage him

  46. Gabby

    I like vests on guys. I also like Ryans purple pants. He really needs to hire a hair stylist though. “Dear God” doesn’t even cover it. I guess its a bonus in that is distracts from his face though (oh no she didn’t!).
    Rhianna deserves to win based on those ugly ugly 80′s patterened cullottes (spelling?) alone. They were dreadfull!

  47. Auntie NiNi

    he’s trying to look taller. it’s a common short-arse tactic.

    i was all prepared to vote for julianne (she’s been on crack this year, i swear). but the douchebag power of THAT HAIR was impossible to resist.

  48. Auntie NiNi

    also, carrie’s just country. riri’s cray-cray.

  49. witjunkie

    Oh please, is Australia or Hong Kong still out there waiting to vote? Please let’s get this twat Cabrera ( I live here and I don’t even know who he is ) crossed off our brackets!! I’ve got Julianne and her TwoFace dresses going to the Final Four at least.

  50. jenny

    I’m with Anika up there. I go into this each time with every intention of voting for someone else, and then Cabrera’s pseudo-scenester fuggery and ridonculous WHY-are-you-doing-that-on-purpose hair render me powerless.

  51. meta

    OK, now I want to see a movie adaptation of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I nominate David Tennant to play Jonathan Strange.

  52. vandalfan

    Ryan Whatsiznuts is just garden variety slime. Julianna could be saved with an intervention. Let us mercifully provide that opportunity. I think Rhianna’s got it going, but Carrie looks uncommitted to the fug.

  53. Amanda

    I’m still really mad that Ryan Cabrera took out J.Lo because it means no more HOLA LOVERS commentary from Fug Madness but…. I actually don’t think Julianne Moore looks all that bad most of the time. Globe dress aside, of course. So yeah, voted for this hideous Ryan creature.

    As for Rihanna and Carrie… Well, I’m still deciding.

  54. chasgoose

    +100 to those who voted for Julianne Moore solely because they couldn’t bear to look at Ryan Cabrera’s puffy face anymore. I guess this technically means he should win Fug Madness, but I can’t…

  55. karen

    who or what is a ryan cabrerra? i’m afraid his douchebaggery is much stronger than julianne’s closet of twoface gowns.

  56. lelo

    I just want to say it now – Ryan Cabrera could win this entire thing.

  57. Maretha2

    Apparently I’m watching all the wrong reality shows because I’m not familiar with this Cabrera person. But when I scrolled down to The Hair, I cackled out loud. It’s been a long day. I needed that laugh. He gets my vote.

  58. Bambi Anne Dear

    I didn’t have a clue who RC was and after googling him I still don’t know. However I did come across some images of him with long hair and he is gorgeous. It’s like the old song says: “What a difference a do makes…..” He also looks good in a beanie, a la Le Pitt.

  59. Amy

    Cabrera??? After all the major fuggery that the talented and gorgeous Julianne brought this year? AND she’s a friend of Tom Ford! Why isn’t he helping her? He even likes boobs! Don’t be distracted by the hair of stumpitude.

  60. Anita

    I don’t really know who Ryan Cabrera is but I really *would* like to know why he looks like a middle aged laydee.

  61. Sajorina

    Rihanna’s FUG amuses me, while Carrie’s FUG bores me, so Rihanna gets my vote! And, I had to vote for Julianne… that much FUG deserves to win over Monchichi’s!

  62. Sarah

    I was surprised to see that Ryan Cabrera even existed… and that he is scoring all of these girls (a Presley girl to boot). After some googling, are you waiting to reveal his NEW LOOK? Because that might just be the 3 pointer from the opposite end of the court to get him through another round. (plus, I heart Julianne Moore… her fug isn’t that ghastly; it sort of fits her persona)

  63. TrinnyT

    Dont know who Ryan Cabrera is but he kinda reminds me of Zed from the Police Academy films, the twitchy guy with the screetchy voice.

  64. gryt

    I’m tired of the Rihannas and Katy Perrys and Keshas who are just trying to outdo each other. No, make that outdo and compete (catch up to) Lady Gaga. That’s not true fug, since fug is exactly what they’re aiming for.

  65. Jenak

    I’m not sure if the voting on this is over or if my polls are glitchy … commenting in hopes of the latter!

  66. me