(1) RIHANNA vs. (9) CARRIE UNDERWOOD

This one section of the bracket is apparently MUSICIAN v. MUSICIAN — so don’t forget to hum, or something, while you check out Rihanna and Carrie’s respective archives. (As you know, Fug Madness is a cumulative honor.)

Other than being singers, you wouldn’t think these woman had a ton in common. However! You might be surprised. At the very least, you might be surprised by how far I will go to make the argument that they have a ton in common. Um, they both like athletes? (My Dad was convinced throughout much of last year that if Matt Kemp didn’t pick up his hitting that Rihanna was going to break up with him, and he was right). Also, both ladies went for some tulle — or tulle-related something-or-other — at awards shows over the past year:

Although Rihanna looks way more NAKED than Carrie does, Carrie looks much more like she’d be likely to aggravate my seasonal allergies:

Over the course of the year, both ladies sported, um, pants. (As I would wager, did all of the rest of us. Except Taylor Momsen.) RiRi’s, however, were more of the jumpsuit variety, and easily found in aisle three of your local Party City:

Whereas Carrie’s came straight from the Colonel Sanders Lady-Tux Emporium, which was apparently nearly drained dry by a variety of ladies in the tournament this year:

Rihanna bravely showed no fear of short-shorts (or mixing patterns):

While Carrie did not shy away from legging capris and aggressively cheerful pointing:

Let’s get real: these ladies are heroes. I couldn’t wear those capris without breaking out in hives.

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(5) JULIANNE MOORE vs. (13) RYAN CABRERA

THEY MEET AGAIN. By which I mean: in what possible universe will Ryan Cabrera and Julianne Moore EVER duke it out for anything EVER again? Cabrera is probably due to appear on another reality show soon — he’s only been on like FOUR of them so far. Maybe it will be the new reality show Who Wants to Appear In a Serious Period Piece About Rich People Who Have Like, Really Terrible Ennui? and he will WIN and the prize will be to appear in a movie opposite Julianne Moore? What? It could happen.

I hope this never happens again:

Nor this:

Nor this, unless it’s as a costume for a  movie adaptation of Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell, which I just read — five years after the fact — and which one of y’all mentioned in the comments JUST as I was reading it, and which has a LOT of ravens and ravens-related imagery in it. Also, footnotes.

My footnote to that dress is that I like the rest of it. The part that’s not a collar made of dead birds.

My footnote to THAT is to wonder a) why Ryan has SO MANY VESTS and b) obviously, what is up with that hair?

To wit:

And the long view:

Say it with me: DEAR GOD WHY.

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