Fug Madness 2011, Round One: Madonna Bracket

FIRST, some housekeeping: Some of you are having issues with the polls working correctly! Please know that our tech dudes are working on it, but we have stumbled upon something that may help, if you find the polls coming up “closed” or if they seem to think you have already voted and you haven’t: apparently, if you comment on the post, the system will then let you vote? Clearly this is a bug, and we promise we’re at work on it, BUT that might work while we’re waiting. Plus, don’t you want to talk anyway? YOU KNOW YOU DO. ANYWAY: hopefully, you will have no technical problems as you vote on THE FOLLOWING:

(6) FLORENCE WELCH v. (11) KRISTEN STEWART

Don’t ask me why we weren’t paying closer attention to Florence Welch — or, as I’ve started thinking of her, FloWel (Flow Well?) — throughout the year. Because she is a CONTENDER:

A contender who never met a sheer overskirt that she didn’t fall MADLY in love with. Don’t believe me?

TOLDJA.

Toldja AGAIN. Also, I feel like the next book Heather and I write needs to have a character named “Toldja.” She’ll be an icy, mysterious exchange student with secrets as big as her hair.

FloWel managed to not go sheer for the Oscars (and that’s an even greater victory than usual, since she changed twice). That’s the good news. The bad news is that she went with this:

Vintage? Awesome. Valentino? Fab. Vintage Valentino? Delightful! THIS vintage Valentino? So musty. I should not be able to imagine what your outfit smells like. (Febreeze.)

I imagine that all of Kristen Stewart’s outfits smell like R PATTZ. (Hair gel.)

K. Stew actually wore a lot of dresses this year that were quite cute, if we’re being honest. (And we must be, in order to maintain the sanctity of Fug Madness.)

This one was kind of cracked out:

Especially from the front.

But there was one outfit that Kristen wore out that basically assured that she’d punch her ticket to the big dance. And, in a quirk of the Randomizer, which determines which 6 seed plays which 11 seed, we present:

THE BATTLE OF THE SHEER-SKIRT LOVERS.

(3) LEONA LEWIS v. (14) TYRA BANKS

Well. Leona Lewis really brought it this year. First of all, we’ve got each of the following, all of which Leona designed, and all of which assaulted our eyeballs in the course of ONE WEEK. ONE. SEVEN DAYS:

That actually looks normal compared to:

A boob bow.

Another sheer skirt.

AND:

LIPS. LIPS ON BOOBS. BOOB LIPS. A week that kicked off with BOOB LIPS is a week during which naught could possibly improve. Do you think people came up and pretended to kiss her chest? She looks like she’s wearing the bottom half of Janice the Muppet’s face wrapped around her torso. THE HORROR.

I haven’t even mentioned what she wore at the very start of the 2011 Fug Season. SHE IS…..well, you probably should click that link. I’ll wait. Go. Go look at her.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

Up against Leona is Tyra Banks, who claims she’s dropping the “Banks” and will now just be professionally known as TYRA. (Well, I don’t think the caps lock is required. But it feels apt.)(Also, having read how she announced this, I think it’s POSSIBLE that she was joking.) (I mean, her company is called Bankable Productions. Is she going to start referring to it as “Able Productions”? That’s not nearly as good, TyTy.)

Tyra No-Banks is an endless delight, as you know if you’ve spent any time in her archives. One of her most delightful delights was the fact that she spent literally the entire past season of ANTM wearing a jumpsuit:

Oh, Tyra. Never change. Change your name if you want — hell, ask us to start calling you a symbol, if you want, like Prince — but never change the rest of you.

You can change the jumpsuit, though.

(7) SWINTON v. (10) JUSTIN BIEBER

BEST. RANDOMIZER. MOMENT. EVER.

I would say, “in what other universe would SWINTON be up against The Biebs for ANYTHING?” but we all know that this year brought us SWINTON announcing J Lo Hew’s Golden Globe nomination for a Lifetime movie about recessionista prostitution-whoring, so let’s just acknowledge that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Including SWINTON going out in Dress Over Pants:

And Bow Over Ass:

And Sack Over Shape:

And Man’s Shirt Tucked Into Skirt:

(That, of course, being the MOMENT in which SWINTON said the words, “Jennifer Love Hewitt for THE CLIENT LIST,” at which point of course Heather and I cackled like the two old crazy crones that we are.)

On the other hand, this is the moment where…..

I realized they made that outfit in boy’s sizes. OH NO I DIDN’T.

Yes, I did. Come on, kid. That lamé (and lame) jacket is so, so cute on all the girls on the pep squad when they do their routine to Rocket Man (it’s a melancholy dance), but you just look like someone might accidentally Jiffy-Pop you on to of their stove.

Also:

Seriously. Don’t. (Also, also: if you’re going to wear this, at least make sure that your shoes are the same off-white as your off-white tux, kid. Honestly, this might have even worked with standard-issue Chuck Taylors. Don’t disrespect the shoes. Which, now that I type it, is a line in our book,  I think. Or it should be.)

There is something about these jeans that feels so awkward to me:

When I was all jonsing for Jason Priestley, did MY mother look at him and think, “ugh, kids today. I don’t get it”? Well, probably no, because Jason Priestley was like 30 at the time that he was playing a high school student, but you know what I mean.

Thinking about this reminds me of when I was maybe 14, and I was looking at pictures of some dude that was a big heart-throb at the time — I can’t remember who, but probably like Tom Selleck or someone — and thinking he just looked OLD, like a DAD, and I was VERY worried that I would NEVER find men that age attractive, even when I WAS that age, because I could not IMAGINE how anyone would find a forty-year-old man cute (especially when, like, 16 year olds were so cute) and OMG AM I GOING TO BE A OLD LADY WHO IS STILL HITTING ON TEENAGE BOYS?!?!? And I went down to the kitchen and I asked my mother about this and she ASSURED me that when I was 35, I would not have the hots for sixteen year old boys. She PROMISED. And I would like to take this particular moment to tell my mother: you were right.

Although how I can resist these faux ‘staches is beyond me.

(2) MILEY CYRUS v. (15) CAMERON DIAZ

I don’t want to influence your vote, but I think this might be a blood-bath:

Shello? She’s JUST BEING MILEY.

I….don’t know what to say about this particular outfit. Other than the fact that it makes me want to cry. WHY SO MANY HOLES?

Or, honestly, just, WHY?

Hey there, Mrs Sanders. Can I get an extra biscuit in my Extra Crispy Breast and Drumstick meal? Oh, and while you’re at it, can you do something to assure that I never have to make a KFC joke again? Great, thanks.

I’ve never seen a more wan peace sign. Such a look of melancholia on her face. Maybe she’s thinking back, with regret, about the time she dressed as a bride wearing a leotard, or discount Lauren Conrad, or toilet paper, or Stevie Nicks.

Is it enough to beat Thighs McGee here?

How about Legs Francisco?

Or Quads Canseco?

Or Calves Buffington-Smythe?

Hey, if you’ve got ‘em…..I guess…you might as well?