Fug Madness 2011, Round One: Bjork Bracket


(6) XTINA v. (11) CHERYL COLE

Surely, if you are reading this particular Web site, you are at least vaguely aware of what Christina Aguilera here has been up to of late, namely: promoting Burlesque with Cher, continuing to hang out with Cher, then falling off stages and getting boozed up. We’ve seen a lot of Xtina lately – remember her Globes ensemble? Also known as the night we all realized how much she looks like Snooki all of a sudden  — but allow me, please, to take this moment and remind you what she did this summer, while she was promoting her (non-starter) album:

Yeah.

And also this:

It’s nice to see a celebrity recycling outfits the way the rest of us do. Of course, for me that means I wear the same dress more than once. For her, it apparently means using different hot-pants to sass up her BeDazzled tights.

In retrospect, I wonder if her shirt — which, yes, says, “If You Don’t Like It, Then F#%&k You” and which could very easily be applied to US right now — was a non-subtle, non-loving dig at Jordan Bratman here, from whom she was to be divorced not long after this photo was taken. He sure does look HAPPY, doesn’t he?

Looking at that photo, I wonder if it was snapped the same night that Xtina wore….whatever this is, at the MTV Movie Awards:

The hair and makeup is the same. I can see wanting to change out of something that looks as if  seventy-five percent of it was purchased at the crafts store.

Appropriately, Christina’s match-up is with another singer (albeit one with slightly less impressive pipes), Brit WAG/pop-star/TV judge, Cheryl Cole:

I like to think that, during a trip to London, J Lo happened to catch Cheryl here on The X-Factor, and a little something called J Lo On Idol was born.

You may remember Cheryl’s recent backless Salute to the Tramp Stamp, but she’s been working the body consciousness all year long. For example:

Nice shoes, but I kinda wish the rest of that were LESS body-con.

And speaking of body:

That is just tremendous. I don’t even own the words to describe what is happening there. It’s like one part J Lo, one part Hammer (don’t hurt ‘em!), one part Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame, one part Katy Perry, three parts BATSHIT CRAZY.

It makes me just want to crawl into my jammie-jumpsuit and take a wee nap:

So, taking into consideration the depth and breadth of these ladies’ bodies of work….

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Xtina (64%, 6,766 Votes)
  • Cheryl Cole (36%, 3,748 Votes)

Total Voters: 10,493

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(3) KATIE HOLMES v. (14) JULIETTE LEWIS

I forgot that — when she’s not running around with Tom wearing sheer tops (Katie’s wearing the sheer top, not Tom. NOT YET) — Katie “Kate” Holmes considers herself a designer…or I did, until I saw this particular dress:

When I wrote about it the first time, I had literally the exact same reaction that I did just now: “Oh, man, WHY does she think she can sew? Is this Holmes-Yang? It’s……Louis Vuitton? OH. It’s LV as RE-IMAGINED by Katie Holmes. Girl, don’t re-imagine anything other than your hair (which does look freaking great).”

This, which she wore around the same time, could be cute, but somehow looks like each piece of it came to be on her body without any acknowledgment that all the other pieces also existed:

That syndrome, times A MILLION, is, I think, what made THIS happen:

(Parenthetical: I love Suri’s ballet flats..) This particular outfit was the centerpiece of what I’m privately thinking of as The Week Katie Holmes Did Terrible Things to Denim, because mere days later, she also went out in this disaster. I  assure you, at this moment, I am wearing the same facial expression as DanRad wore here, when presenting with her at the Tonys. Oh, Joey Potter. Are there ever times when you miss those innocent days when you got to just run around North Carolina wearing an innocent pair of  J Crew cords, making out with Josh Jackson? I SURE DO.

Katie’s rival here, Juliette Lewis, actually had a surprisingly improved year (I can’t LIE. She really did). She looked adorable at the Oscars, and trotted out a variety of cute cocktail dresses throughout. That being said, the CRAZY Juliette ALSO did not disappoint. BEHOLD:

Although, in all fairness, I think J Crew is trying to sell us those pants. Still. I’m not buying. I’m also not buying THIS:

White leggings! Headscarves! White boots! Vests-as-shirts! Dimples! I’M IN.

Well, honey, that’s exactly what we’re wondering. Which one are you? Cute Cocktail Dress Girl, or the person who trotted out this SPECTACULARLY WACKED-OUT GET-UP? Honestly, I might want both those girls to stick around.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Katie Holmes (51%, 5,506 Votes)
  • Juliette Lewis (49%, 5,389 Votes)

Total Voters: 10,887

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(7) MIA WASIKOWSKA v. (10) LEA MICHELE

Mia Wasikowska has sported a lot of lackluster get-ups this past year. But what I really want to know is:

WHAT WAS THIS?

Because it makes me want to cry, and I’d like to know who to blame for my TEARS.

I believe I’m supposed to blame Rodarte for this one:

And I’m happy to blame them for it. I’m sure they’re at home in Pasadena right now, blaming themselves.

I’m going to blame myself for this one:

No reason why. But I’m sure I could have helped improve this. IF ANYONE HAD ASKED.

I could have improved THIS, also, and it all begins with asking Lea to BUTTON IT UP:

Oh, honey. Don’t try so hard. You don’t NEED to try so hard. You should just RELAX, because –

HELLO. Are you listening to me at ALL? Try to just be COOL, Lea. BE COOL. DON’T MUG too much. You’ll be okay if you just keep your bangs wrangled, keep cool and….

I can’t believe I’m about to say this to someone as weensy as you, but consider going up a size sometimes?

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Mia Wasikowska (78%, 8,460 Votes)
  • Lea Michele (22%, 2,350 Votes)

Total Voters: 10,808

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(2) NICKI MINAJ v. (15) JANUARY JONES

THANK GOD FOR NICKI MINAJ. I’m not kidding. At least someone’s having fun:

I mean, yes, that is crazy, but at least she seems to be having a good time. She’s been having a good time all year, in fact. (We even wrote  a whole column about it.)

We got jumpsuits:

We got gilded exoskeletons:

We got…this.

And trust me when I tell you that this is merely the tip of the Minaj iceberg (the Minajberg?).  She also went out in basically mini-panniers and hair that might be a long-delayed and well-deserved salute to Rainbow Brite. In short, January Jones is going to have to BRING IT in order to take down Nicki.

This brings…something. (Boobs.)

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Nicki Minaj (88%, 9,431 Votes)
  • January Jones (12%, 1,323 Votes)

Total Voters: 10,739

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Comments (68):

  1. The Other Molly
    0

    I must admit, my vote for Lea Michele was based on my pure divine dislike for her. I think she will find it infuriating to advance in the Fug Madness brackets.
    Poor Katie Holmes, she didn’t stand a chance against Juliette.
    And with my girl Bai out of the picture, I think Juliette may be a contender this year.
    It’s St. Patrick’s Day!
    Fug Madness has begun!
    The bar is open.
    We are serving Pina Fugladas, Fugaritas, Fugtinis and Sloe Fug Fizzes.
    Cheers!
    And if you’re Irish…Slainte!!

  2. Kary
    0

    I feel like Nickie Minaj falls squarely into the “costume” territiory and therefore isn’t really an apples-to-apples comparison with Jan Jones. Jones is probably thrilled about that.

  3. Mongerel
    0

    Thank goodness Molly is serving drinks. I’ll need one or two or six after looking at those photos. I’ll be over at her place.

  4. clatie
    0

    This is interesting because there are clear issues of intent here. I think Juliette Lewis is amusing us where I think Katie Holmes is trying to look chic and FAILING every time. So I think Katie is more fug because her judgement is so misguided. Same with Nicki Minaj vs. January Jones. But, hey, that’s just me.

  5. FugCourtneyLove4Evah
    0

    I had to vote for Lea Michele purely because I will never, ever forgive her for her disgusting GQ photo shoot. Ok, fine, so maybe she didn’t control the outfits for that shoot, but it was written all over her face that she thought she was a sex pot in her outfits. Minus a million.

  6. Clarkie
    0

    Molly, I have to agree with you. I, too, voted for Lea purely because of how much she annoys me. Did Mia look slightly more crazy? Yes. But she seems like a fairly unassuming girl who likes to take a weird fashion risk, whereas Lea seems like she is always trying way to hard to make a Fashion Moment (or worse, a Sexy Fashion Moment) happen. Nope, Lea, not buying it.

  7. Candace
    0

    Voting is already closed for Xtina vs. Cole? I feel so silenced.

  8. jen310
    0

    Okay, I gotta start with Nicki because she owns her fug craziness and even enjoys it and I find that so endearing and not fug madness worthy. JJo tries to be fashion forward and fails miserably. Its a shame because she looks so damn good on Mad Men. She should really know and do better. JJo FTW (for me at least).
    Katie Holmes can’t dress and can’t design and gets bonus fug madness points for that damn smirk on her face. When your toddler outdresses you, you seriously need a fashion intervention.
    Lea had a better dressed year than fugly dressed year so Mia FTW.
    Xtina brings ho chic to levels of fuggery that have not been seen as of late and Cheryl does not assault our eyes as much becasue she is primarily on the other side of the pond. Kudos for the futuristic working girl performance fug thing Cheryl wore on stage but not enough to take down Xtina’s body of work. Bonus fug points for being orange and resembling Snooki – that is NOT a person you want to resemble – ever – especially when you did not start out that way.

  9. DanerKebab
    0

    I’m with clatie.

  10. CH
    0

    I voted for Mia over Lea because I don’t want Lea to win anything. Also, her offenses are less numerous than her competition.

  11. EmSpeaks
    0

    Once again I must agree with The Other Molly, this time about my dislike of Lea Michele (and all things Glee, but that’s another discussion for another time). However, I feel a bit conflicted about voting for her—sure, it’s kind of insulting to compete in something like Fug Madness, but would even this kind of attention please her on some level? Granted, she doesn’t dress for attention like, say, Gaga, but I could still see her being pleased to have reached such levels of notoriety as to be a Fug Madness contestant. I don’t know. Pretty much all I know about her is through GFY so maybe I shouldn’t try to analyze it so much.

  12. Cecily
    0

    Enormous paisley polterwang, I feel like my eyes just recently recovered and there it is again.

    Hilarious commentary, as usual. That Xtina/Cheryl was a tough one, but I went with the former as she should know better, and bedazzled tights redux is just wrong. Katie got my vote because of those huge farmer jeans. Sorry, Juliette.

    On to the next bracket! Oooh, I love Fug Madness.

  13. The Moonay
    0

    January Jones doesn’t stand a chance. She’s tasteless and boring, but she’s that on a far smaller scale than Minaj’s…faux-Gaga whatever.

  14. Peggy
    0

    Nickie definitely falls into the “costume” category. Yeah, she looks crazy, but she looks fun crazy. January Jones commits the terrible crime of being a beautiful, statuesque blonde who by all the laws of fashion should be able to look good in anything, and yet she never wears a single thing that flatters her. That’s a fug thing.

  15. Heather
    0

    Voting will not close on any of these polls for 24 hours. If it’s coming up as closed, clear your browser cache, or reload and try again — it’s just WordPress burping. Great timing, eh?

  16. Rosanne
    0

    Katie VS Juliette?????

    *tears hair out in anguish of decision*

  17. Jamie
    0

    I voted for Mia simply because she dresses worse. And the disdain for Lea is ridiculous. She’s talented and knows it and owns it. I don’t see anything to hate about that, especially when she does look quite lovely most of the time.

  18. aa
    0

    i gave the vote to JJ because like you said, at least someone’s having fun with it. long live the new queen: http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhm19mWQhz1qdnrlxo1_500.gif

  19. Rosanne
    0

    I never thought I’d see the day when Juliette Lewis didn’t make it past the first round of Fug Madness. But I had to give my vote to Katie. Juliette did have some great moments this year, and Katie should know better.

  20. meowmeowdiva
    0

    Fug Nation, isn’t it fascinating that the best dressed person in this whole show so far is Suri Cruise? Praying that vortex of crazy Ms Minaj wins…she’s so fun! So far, she’s the fugger I’d most enjoy shopping with!

  21. ChristieLea
    0

    Ditto clatie on the issues of intent. Minaj and Juliette Lewis AIM to dress crazy and succeed in dressing crazy. Katie Holmes aims to dress chic and ends up looking sloppy and posereque. So Katie wins this round.

  22. parlezdudiable
    0

    Christina’s look reeks of desperation behind all that faux-sex kitten glamour. Cheryl might well on her way to that as she lobbies for a Stateside career, but she’s not there yet.

    Juliette appears to be oblivious to her bad sartorial choices, but Katie has someone to calculate her awful wardrobe and willingly goes along with it.

    I’d absolutely vote for Lea Michele if being annoying was a fug factor. But alas.

    I normally can’t vote for people who dress bizarrely on purpose. It’s a calculated move. But Nicki hasn’t found her “so bad it’s good ” groove yet like, say, Lady Gaga has. Those ladder thingamabobs are just terrible.

  23. Cathy
    0

    I voted for Nicki Minaj because I think she’s the new Bai Ling… I have no idea who she is, but she sure seems to have fun with it. And I miss Bai…

  24. Birdie
    0

    I can’t stand Cheryl and don’t want her to gain any more attention here in the the states. She wants it so bad, and I do not want to have to hear about her everywhere like they do in the UK. So I’m voting Xtina. Though on pure fug I think they tie.

  25. Carolina Girl
    0

    Nicki Minaj = Refried Gaga.

  26. Karen
    0

    Juliette Lewis gets my vote for being all-around annoying.

  27. Jill
    0

    Not familiar with Cheryl or Mia. Neither got my vote.

  28. Stephanie
    0

    I totally agree with clatie, etc. Nicki, Juliette, and their ilk are ridiculous, but fun and entertaining. Katie, JJones, and others who are attractive, can afford a professional stylist, and try to be fashionable but fail miserably are way more fug.

  29. camille
    0

    So I had filled out my bracket in pencil as soon as I printed it, but these matchups made me change my vote on 2 of them! Specifically, Katie Holmes, because, unlike Juliette Lewis, she doesn’t have a stylish alter ego unless you count her daughter, and then Cheryl Cole, because… while Xtina’s outfits frequently violated good taste and good sense, Cheryl Cole’s violated the laws of PHYSICS. Seriously, how does that tramp stamp dress stay in order? Those bits on the back aren’t CONNECTED to anything!

  30. Dee
    0

    I voted for Xtina mostly because she looks sadly awful. Cheryl sometimes doesn’t look so bad but Xtina is on that downward spiral of career death that adds extra fug to any outfit.

    I actually think Lea’s had more of a fab year than a fug year, and even her fugs weren’t completely painful so that one goes to Mia.

    Nicki Minaj appears to be trying to look that awful on purpose so I can’t really give her the vote (much like Gaga, it’s no fun when it’s on purpose). But I’m assuming someone told Janyuary Jones to go out in public like that, and that’s sad.

  31. Gray Dog
    0

    Katie FTW! Past winners have all been attention whores. It’s time for someone who is unintentionally fugly to win.

  32. Erin
    0

    January Jones can’t win anything.

    There’s no there there. Even with awesome boobs.

  33. yeahandalso
    0

    I really think Christina should not have been up for contention this year. If Bai Ling is taken out for Celebrity Rehab that Christina who actually very visibly has a problem shouldn’t be in the running…I feel bad for her. Also, objectively it is hard to ever vote somebody with Cheryl Cole’s face and body as being fugly.

    I have yet to see one picture of Nicky Minaj where I don’t want to punch her in the face, seriously look at her facial expressions in every one of those photos. And her outfits are bad fug, she’s yet to wear any that give me that “oooh cool” feeling that Gaga does

  34. witjunkie
    0

    For me, it goes in order of higher fug weight to lower: Street wear, then red carpet, then performance outfits. Everyone dresses a bit wackadoo on stage, plus I imagine sometimes they have only partial input – but I agree with the above that it’s what they voluntarily choose to put on to go to the Grove or a party, sponsored or otherwise, that shows the true fug. And they do have the final say on the red carpet, but I think they sometimes their choices are limited there, too. This is only if I’m having trouble deciding. Most often it’s a gut pick.

  35. Adria
    0

    Xtina has looked terrible for a long time. She’s just now catching up to it. Rest on your voice, girl, not your fashion.

    I voted for Juilette Lewis for the same reason I vote for SWINTON and Bai “Nipples” Ling. I love them. I know she won’t win but- I LOVE YOU, JULIETTE!

    Mia’s poor, poor boobs. I don’t care how small they are, ladies, you should treat them well. And I COVET that peachy/pink dress Lea is in, train and all. Lea just needs to buy a bigger size. Mia is just fug. Boob fug.

    And I seriously think Nicki Minaj is Bai Ling’s long lost daughter, but with less “nipples”.

  36. PampasPrincess
    0

    Nicki Minaj I just find painful to look at. The outfits are so contrived and there is so much going on…it seems so forced.

    Christina needs two things…(1) rehab; then (2) Rachel Zoe. That is all.

  37. Anne B
    0

    I’m going to call this Round Interesting v. Zzzzzzzz.

    Fug Winners: (1) Xtina “Durrrty” BigLungs, pretty much forever. Not just for the Fug (glitter tights, night and day! with red panties even! I almost want some!), but for her own adamant nine-livesiness.

    (2) Juliette, who knows how to dress well but just prefers not to. And could cut a bitch. I might just rock vest-as-top tomorrow in her honor.

    (3) Mia, the girl whose name I didn’t know till last year but with whose body I am now more intimate than those of my own children, thanks to her clothing choices.

    (4) Nicki, who doesn’t leave her playhouse until she’s pretty sure her entire look is ON, from the top of the nest of hair to the sole of the shoe. So an egg stole her thunder at the Grammys: not her fault. She still brings that amazing face to the party.

    To the others here: nothing but love for ya. Thanks for showing up (however briefly, January). I needed the nap.

  38. Damian
    0

    Now this is what I’m talking about. Nicki and Christina are horribly offensive while Katie and Mia are both so unfortunate. This is what Fug Madness is all about.

    Plus none of these girls stand a chance once Paz and Madonna get in the game.

  39. Liz
    0

    The January Jones vs. Minaj is upsetting. There is no way to NOT vote in favor of polterwang, but JJ has been channeling the 5th Element (obv the dress in this post, also the cracked out hair from a week or so back). Damn the randomizer!

  40. jennifer
    0

    vote

  41. bwt
    0

    i’m commenting so that i can vote!

  42. ajbeyer
    0

    I love fug madness. that is all.

  43. Sarah
    0

    I’m so torn on many of these (like JJ versus N-Min): do I vote for SWINTON-esque high leaps of fuggery, or do I vote for the boring LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE (WITHOUT REALLY LOOKING AT ME) that is J-Jones?

  44. Jeroen
    0

    I voted twice against my own brackets. Oh Katie, I forgot about those jeans. And I had to go with Nicky. I know it is all costume, but compared with that, January and her bondaged boobs suddenly seems totally normal.

  45. MaryB
    0

    Posting in the comments so that the glitch will be fixed and I can vote …. That’s what we are supposed to do right? I love March. I wish we had fug madness twice a year. H&J your comments are better than ever! You speak so much TRUTH! I miss Kanye tho.

  46. Jessica
    0

    Yes, it SHOULD help. If it doesn’t, sometimes it works if you come back later? Let us know — and if you keep having issues, email us. Tech is stumped. This is….NOT a great time for the polls to be all jacked.

  47. MaryB
    0

    It worked it worked!

    NICKI MINAJ for the win!

  48. vandalfan
    0

    J.Jones tries SO hard, and fails by inches every time. Ditto Holmes. XTina, and Lea, and- I’m shocked!- Lewis clean up real good occasionally. But Nicki BRINGS it. She gets my vote for Miss Congeniality.

  49. Briony
    0

    Love this game!

  50. Rho
    0

    I am so torn between Cheryl Cole and Xtina. My mind might explode!

  51. Frank
    0

    I WANT TO VOTE!

  52. Anne B
    0

    When in doubt, ask yourself three questions:

    Who can’t I wait to see in the next round?
    Who is made of NO?
    Who’s likely to wear something backwards, and not know/care?

    Irish Fug Bombs for everyone!

  53. LeslieA
    0

    Nicki Minaj is the epitome of the bjork bracket! Isn’t the whole point to be in costume?!

  54. Sajorina
    0

    I voted for: Whore-like X-Tina, Wacky Juliette, Mia WTF? & Oh, the horror! Minaj…

  55. CranAppleSnapple
    0

    Oh come on! Juliette Lewis is being thoroughly dissed here! RoboKate isn’t a worthy opponent. She doesn’t even choose her own clothes.
    Besides, I thought we were taking pity on the insane? How is Katie allowed to participate?

  56. Melissa
    0

    I had to go with January Jones as a method of protest. I would have voted her over Momsen, that’s how much this means to me. It seems so implausible that someone who has professionals regularly make her look beautiful on set can take absolutely nothing from that and apply it to her real life. I think her hair is always her ultimate downfall. You have beautiful hair January, why do you abuse it so?

  57. CranAppleSnapple
    0

    What’s in Nicki Minaj’s dax?

  58. Sweetsinger
    0

    Nicki Minaj FTW!

  59. Adria
    0

    Anne B, I think you are my long lost, much more brilliant sister. Your comments are treasures!

  60. Josie
    0

    How funny that the randomizer pitted two Scientologists against each other (Katie vs. Juliette). L Ron is pleased, I’m sure.

  61. Anne B
    0

    Awww. Adria, thanks!

    I can never have too many sisters. :)

  62. S
    0

    Lea is fug because she’s trying so hard to be glam all the time. Girl, you are a short, (formerly) curvier girl, with a larger proboscis and quirkier face than your typical starlet – you need to work with that and use it to set yourself apart. Stop it with the faces – especially the “sexy” one – be yourself. She infuriates me.

  63. dexie
    0

    On the whole I think Cheryl Cole is rather bland and uninteresting but girlfriend contracted malaria this year! I think she needs some props for not dying.

  64. jess
    0

    That was HARD y’all. Xtina v. Cheryl was a toughie. But ultimately, breakaway camo pants paired with Lady Gaga’s discarded plastic breastplate has to take it, or there simply is no justice in the world.

  65. Lena
    0

    If we’re talking Cheryl Cole, I really have to offer up this

  66. Guesty
    0

    I find myself always finding the fug in the person who tries far too hard for little impact. So for me, Christina will always be more fug than Cheryl, and January more fug than Ms. Minaj.

    I love this bracket.

  67. Kate
    0

    commenting because it works!

  68. Marie-L
    0

    Commenting just to vote