Fug Madness 2011, Round One: Bjork Bracket

(6) XTINA v. (11) CHERYL COLE

Surely, if you are reading this particular Web site, you are at least vaguely aware of what Christina Aguilera here has been up to of late, namely: promoting Burlesque with Cher, continuing to hang out with Cher, then falling off stages and getting boozed up. We’ve seen a lot of Xtina lately – remember her Globes ensemble? Also known as the night we all realized how much she looks like Snooki all of a sudden  — but allow me, please, to take this moment and remind you what she did this summer, while she was promoting her (non-starter) album:

Yeah.

And also this:

It’s nice to see a celebrity recycling outfits the way the rest of us do. Of course, for me that means I wear the same dress more than once. For her, it apparently means using different hot-pants to sass up her BeDazzled tights.

In retrospect, I wonder if her shirt — which, yes, says, “If You Don’t Like It, Then F#%&k You” and which could very easily be applied to US right now — was a non-subtle, non-loving dig at Jordan Bratman here, from whom she was to be divorced not long after this photo was taken. He sure does look HAPPY, doesn’t he?

Looking at that photo, I wonder if it was snapped the same night that Xtina wore….whatever this is, at the MTV Movie Awards:

The hair and makeup is the same. I can see wanting to change out of something that looks as if  seventy-five percent of it was purchased at the crafts store.

Appropriately, Christina’s match-up is with another singer (albeit one with slightly less impressive pipes), Brit WAG/pop-star/TV judge, Cheryl Cole:

I like to think that, during a trip to London, J Lo happened to catch Cheryl here on The X-Factor, and a little something called J Lo On Idol was born.

You may remember Cheryl’s recent backless Salute to the Tramp Stamp, but she’s been working the body consciousness all year long. For example:

Nice shoes, but I kinda wish the rest of that were LESS body-con.

And speaking of body:

That is just tremendous. I don’t even own the words to describe what is happening there. It’s like one part J Lo, one part Hammer (don’t hurt ‘em!), one part Billy Blanks of Tae Bo fame, one part Katy Perry, three parts BATSHIT CRAZY.

It makes me just want to crawl into my jammie-jumpsuit and take a wee nap:

So, taking into consideration the depth and breadth of these ladies’ bodies of work….

(3) KATIE HOLMES v. (14) JULIETTE LEWIS

I forgot that — when she’s not running around with Tom wearing sheer tops (Katie’s wearing the sheer top, not Tom. NOT YET) — Katie “Kate” Holmes considers herself a designer…or I did, until I saw this particular dress:

When I wrote about it the first time, I had literally the exact same reaction that I did just now: “Oh, man, WHY does she think she can sew? Is this Holmes-Yang? It’s……Louis Vuitton? OH. It’s LV as RE-IMAGINED by Katie Holmes. Girl, don’t re-imagine anything other than your hair (which does look freaking great).”

This, which she wore around the same time, could be cute, but somehow looks like each piece of it came to be on her body without any acknowledgment that all the other pieces also existed:

That syndrome, times A MILLION, is, I think, what made THIS happen:

(Parenthetical: I love Suri’s ballet flats..) This particular outfit was the centerpiece of what I’m privately thinking of as The Week Katie Holmes Did Terrible Things to Denim, because mere days later, she also went out in this disaster. I  assure you, at this moment, I am wearing the same facial expression as DanRad wore here, when presenting with her at the Tonys. Oh, Joey Potter. Are there ever times when you miss those innocent days when you got to just run around North Carolina wearing an innocent pair of  J Crew cords, making out with Josh Jackson? I SURE DO.

Katie’s rival here, Juliette Lewis, actually had a surprisingly improved year (I can’t LIE. She really did). She looked adorable at the Oscars, and trotted out a variety of cute cocktail dresses throughout. That being said, the CRAZY Juliette ALSO did not disappoint. BEHOLD:

Although, in all fairness, I think J Crew is trying to sell us those pants. Still. I’m not buying. I’m also not buying THIS:

White leggings! Headscarves! White boots! Vests-as-shirts! Dimples! I’M IN.

Well, honey, that’s exactly what we’re wondering. Which one are you? Cute Cocktail Dress Girl, or the person who trotted out this SPECTACULARLY WACKED-OUT GET-UP? Honestly, I might want both those girls to stick around.

(7) MIA WASIKOWSKA v. (10) LEA MICHELE

Mia Wasikowska has sported a lot of lackluster get-ups this past year. But what I really want to know is:

WHAT WAS THIS?

Because it makes me want to cry, and I’d like to know who to blame for my TEARS.

I believe I’m supposed to blame Rodarte for this one:

And I’m happy to blame them for it. I’m sure they’re at home in Pasadena right now, blaming themselves.

I’m going to blame myself for this one:

No reason why. But I’m sure I could have helped improve this. IF ANYONE HAD ASKED.

I could have improved THIS, also, and it all begins with asking Lea to BUTTON IT UP:

Oh, honey. Don’t try so hard. You don’t NEED to try so hard. You should just RELAX, because –

HELLO. Are you listening to me at ALL? Try to just be COOL, Lea. BE COOL. DON’T MUG too much. You’ll be okay if you just keep your bangs wrangled, keep cool and….

I can’t believe I’m about to say this to someone as weensy as you, but consider going up a size sometimes?

(2) NICKI MINAJ v. (15) JANUARY JONES

THANK GOD FOR NICKI MINAJ. I’m not kidding. At least someone’s having fun:

I mean, yes, that is crazy, but at least she seems to be having a good time. She’s been having a good time all year, in fact. (We even wrote  a whole column about it.)

We got jumpsuits:

We got gilded exoskeletons:

We got…this.

And trust me when I tell you that this is merely the tip of the Minaj iceberg (the Minajberg?).  She also went out in basically mini-panniers and hair that might be a long-delayed and well-deserved salute to Rainbow Brite. In short, January Jones is going to have to BRING IT in order to take down Nicki.

This brings…something. (Boobs.)