Fug Madness 2016 Round One: Cher Bracket, Part 1

We kick off with perennial stalwart Rita Ora, the battle of Dior’s leading divas, and Cinderella in the making Kourtney Kardashian.

A word about the rules: The photos we show aren’t the ONLY ones in consideration; just a representative sample of everything worn from Feb. 23, 2015, to March 1, 2016 (though costumes worn while performing are ineligible). Polls close after roughly 24 hours. Vote on any device, as often as you want to or can. And ENJOY.

 

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Rita Ora vs. FKA Twigs  ·  Ciara vs. Kourtney Kardashian  ·  Jennifer Lawrence vs. Charlize Theron  ·  Lily Collins vs. Karolina Kurkova

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1. RITA ORA vs. 16. FKA TWIGS

This is an interesting clash between two singers who are getting tabloid famous — Rita for being an insane dresser, FKA Twigs for being engaged to Robert Pattinson — without most of America having heard much of their music (if at all). I recently learned that FKA Twigs has a rather beautiful voice, which is good, because she does not have a rather beautiful dress sense. We’ve seen the nudist confection she wore to the VMAs — it’s in the collage — but there is more nutty whence it came:

 

Yes. It’s pants.

 

Yes. It’s high-waisted leather pants with an extremely complicated lace-up shirt.

Okay, no, that’s not pants, but YES, it appears to be a bonus skirt tied onto her original one. She also once went out dressed as a phoenix, but there was something admittedly also beautiful about that, bananas though it was. And as much as I like to show you things you’ve not seen before, like this wrap caftan, I don’t think we can close her offerings without revisiting the gropey Christopher Kane she wore to the Met Ball.

YES, THAT’S A COUTURE PACKAGE. FKA Twigs is wearing a twig-and-berries. I know some of you appreciated the artistic merits of this more than I did, and that’s fine; I just feel like this is something that can exist on a runway, as part of an exhibition, but doesn’t need to greet the real world. Don’t wear a penis on your leg, ladies.

Of course, Rita Ora wore some Versace intestines on hers:

 

She really should say no to Donatella more often. Remember this nutballs collage? Versace backfires on her more often than it flatters her. Then again, so does Prada:

So at some point, the fault leaves the designer and goes squarely on the wearer. She didn’t NEED to dress like a lingerie fashion show at the Deadwood bordello. But she said yes anyway. Same as when she selected this too-tight see-through Ralph & Russo, or a caped jumpsuit (which we liked only because she wore it RIGHT AFTER that totally sheer Donna Karan from last year’s Oscars, which was from Fug Madness last year). And there were sheer shirts and … what ARE those bottoms, anyway?

We also got the classic dangerous-in-a-gust-of-wind gowns, once at the VMAs, and once at the Billboards…

Ladies and gentlemen, we have buttock.

And finally, I must direct you to this outfit, which went up RIGHT before last year’s Fug Madness began.

Jessica had to caution then that it wasn’t eligible in this year, and she did so thusly: “[P]encil her in for 2016. Actually, forget the pencil. Go ahead and use a pen. Use blood.” She was right, as always. But, will she advance past the challenger? Below are the links to the archives — in Rita’s case, it’s quite extensive — and then, please visit the poll.

Archives: FKA Twigs, Rita Ora

8. LILY COLLINS vs. 9. KAROLINA KURKOVA

If might borrow from Lily’s songwriting father, I can feel it coming in the air tonight. And by “it,” I mean a round one victory. HOLD ON.

I wonder if Kristen Stewart, the previous owner of the Worst Chanel Pants award, is hoping she’s passed the mantle on to Lily. This is SO hideous that I can imagine wearing it… as a street-style prank. AND ONLY A PRANK.

Chanel got her again another time:

That might be a shirt and trousers, but for SURE it’s a lacy ode to to what happened anytime a girl in the ’90s wore a snap-crotch bodysuit to a party where there were wine coolers (translation: Without a friend to help her snap it, she’d emerge from the bathroom not having bothered).

I’m sorry we have to drag Orlando Bloom into this, but in fairness, he put himself there.

I am confused as to why her thigh matches her sleeve. Does her OTHER thigh also match, or is this a lopsided bit of transparent chicanery? We may never know, but it matters not. Fug is fug. She also has deeply questionable taste in shoes, an obsession with mullet dresses (here’s the other one), and obvious regrets.

Oh, and I had forgotten what she wore to the Met Gala.

I’m still not sure why that shirt exists.

Karolina Kurkova also likes a veil, except one made of chains and wrapped around her groin.

She basically rode this outfit straight to her high seeding. That may not have been fair, but neither are those clothes. WHAT IS THAT. Of course, even when she wears something relatively and comparatively normal, it looks bizarre somehow:

That bodice is a mess, and I am NOT fond of the hook-and-eye trail all the way down the front. I don’t understand this, either:

And this is depressing, too:

Bleh. It just HANGS there. AND HER HAIR. Why? This woman has strung together two consecutive cool Met Gala gowns (2015, and 2014), which is hard to do. Did it use up all her life force? Is that why she endures whatever this was, or this outfit, which was divisive because some people hated the top and some people hated the pants. I am not sure she’s done enough to topple Lily Collins’ Groovy Kind of Fug, but she’s definitely in need of some self-reflection.

Archives: Lily Collins, Karolina Kurkova

5. JENNIFER LAWRENCE vs. 12. CHARLIZE THERON

Ah, the dueling Dior divas. Might as well start with their Oscar gowns, no?

We didn’t hate Charlize’s, because we’d JUST seen such a bad Dior that she wore in 2006 at the Oscars, but a lot of you had issues with the puckering on the top. Jennifer’s, though… Jennifer’s lacks imagination. And attractiveness. She had a curi

Miss Lawrence has had a strange year. She wore a lot of Dior, of course — we chronicled it all in December — and some of it was startlingly simple, as if she was hitting the reset button. And then some of it looked like the world’s fanciest housecoat/apron:

She also hosted the Met Ball in something that was basically an expensive double bib. And then there was this old thing, which wasn’t a bad color, but was dowdy on her somehow:

That satin did not care for being manipulated. In any way. It seems to have fought it at every turn. Also, I’m not hot on sleeves that look like she ripped them while reaching up to hug Liam Hemsworth, although I AM hot on reaching up to hug Liam Hemsworth. Everyone should do that.

She also wore an Alexander Wang that looked like she was bursting out of it:

This photo also conveniently showcases her most frustrating accessory, her director/collaborator David O. Russell, who… well, we’ve talked at length about their relationship and his past. I think we’ve passed the point where he’s good for her, and she needs to find another mentor. But we can’t technically vote against her just for that, so let’s chronicle the rest: She wore a dress to the Globes post-parties that looks like it came from Gap Kids. And a PERV coat, which we of course assume is an acronym for, say, Plebeian Everygirl Reveres Voltaire. And a mesh tunic. And a Naeem Khan shirt that’s one of the first times I’ve ever found his work depressing.

Let’s turn to Charlize.

Although that makes me wish we could turn AWAY from Charlize. (She really liked mesh skirts this year, it seems.) But we can’t turn away; not yet. Not before we revisit this geometric travesty.

It’s like her neck and her boobs are in a fight, and something was built to separate them as forcibly as possible.

This was just weird.

It wakes away all her shape. It’s like… biker couture meets the French Riviera meets a dash of Coachella. A strange recipe indeed.

Archives: Jennifer Lawrence, Charlize Theron

4. CIARA vs. 13. KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

These two. I sometimes feel like Ciara should just change her name to Kiara and be an honorary Kardashian, so fond is she of transparent Givenchy. If you see her at a given event, and you guess her ensemble is by Givenchy, Balmain, or Alexandre Vauthier, you have a very high-percentage chance of being right. Case in point: She wore a Vauthier to the Grammys that was one rogue sneeze away from blowing off her body, and this one to the VMAs:

That is puzzling. It’s fashion by paper-shredder.

This is also so typical of Ciara — honestly, if you’re not guessing what designer she’s wearing, please at least guess a) what Defcon level we’re at when it comes to the chance we’ll see her nethers, and b) what thing Beyonce already did she’ll try to copy.

That’s Reem Acra, not Givenchy, but the aura is totally Anything Bey Can Do At The Met Ball, I Can Do Better. Ciara cannot resist any flavor of transparency, it’s true.

The only redeeming quality about this is how bemused she looked when it caught a breeze. And of course we all know she loves a short skirt with a long train, as evidenced by the photo I used in the graphic of the Cavalli camo mini that turned into a bedspread.

And then sometimes, Ciara goes for Kim’s favorite color.

And Kim’s favorite strategy of burying herself in a giant covering. This looks like she thought she was going to bed.

As for Kourtney, certainly we cannot and will not forget the see-through Balmain demi-romper she wore to the Yeezy show. It lives in infamy. But it would be remiss of me not to open with the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen on her, although the poem I wrote about it is worth revisiting too.

And then there was this, which she wore to celebrate her sister finally being 18 and therefore legally allowed to date Tyga (ew).

 

Do we think she borrowed this next one from Kim?

And I’m CERTAIN this next one is the hand of Kanye.

Much of this coincides with her strife with Scott Disick, as if she’s trying to show him what he’s missing, but instead I feel like she’s reminding him what a headache that entire clan is.

But unlike Ciara, most of Kourtney’s monstrosities are confined to her street-style game; on the red carpet, at least, she tries to normalize. So which offends you more? Which is worse? Sheer formalwear, or sheer gad-about-town-wear?

Archives: Ciara, Kourtney Kardashian