Fug Madness 2016, Round One: Charo Bracket, Part 2

I think my favorite part about the technical nitty-gritty is making the links within the post so that you can jump down to a particular matchup. For the HTML markers I’ve been using portmanteaus of the contestants’ names, and sometimes, that delights me. Like here, we have JanJoden, Jenbrosio, Zenfani, and… Cara XCX, which is pretty obvious, but whatever.

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Zendaya vs. Gwen Stefani  ·  Charli XCX vs. Cara Delevingne  ·  Kylie Jenner vs. Alessandra Ambrosio  ·  January Jones vs. Holland Roden

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No. 7 ZENDAYA vs. No. 10 GWEN STEFANI

This makes such an interesting pairing, because both are women of whom people say, “Only she could pull off what she’s wearing.” But sometimes, even the charmed ones can’t close the deal. Consider this:

I don’t think it matters HOW young or adorable you are, or how long your legs are. When you’ve got a tween boy’s duvet stapled to your ass, you are swimming in shark-infested waters.

This outfut looks like she really WAS swimming with sharks, and got munched:

I am trying to imagine a garment more annoying to wear, and the list is very short. The thing about Zendaya is that she rarely looks SLOPPY, even when she looks wacky. Which makes this a doubly unusual misfire. This Fausto Puglisi suit is bananas, but at least it’s crisp also. I mean, look at this thing:

Is it insane? YES. It’s SEER-SUCKER BELL-BOTTOMS that could each be their own gown. But it’s not MESSY. Unlike this:

WHY, girl. You vex and perplex me with your hairy pants.

And your cocktail pajamas:

And your shoe choice with said cocktail pajamas. And your Wookiie-inspired shoes. And your jumpsuit made of buttons. And dresses that are totally actually shirts. And see-through lacy stuff that looks vaguely like Old West tavern-wear. And this bustier that’s secretly a codpiece:

Nothing about wearing a nutsling over your boobs makes sense. They aren’t testicles. In fact, Zendaya LOVES a questionable top, like this blue thing. Yeesh. I guess when you swing big, you’re as likely to miss big as hit.

And now, Gwen. While Zendaya is up there giving off Eau de Wang, Gwen tends to go for the hint of bulge. The phantom package. The polterwang.

Of course, that would be a very low-hanging bit of man-fruit, but it’s a weird lump nonetheless. The whole thing is a hideous error. As is this Bieber-like style:

She also wore those shoes another time, in silver. They make her feet look like they’re real-time swelling. The pants here seem downright reasonable by comparison, but the shirt is shady. And obviously she wore a denim jumpsuit. Gwen Stefani is not going to be fazed by looking like she’s in a super laid-back prison.

Gwen is also going through a real LOOK AT ME phase, and I don’t mean her face.

She’s REALLY into transparency. Like, REALLY REALLY:

No, seriously, BIGTIME into it:

Also on her list: being a human bat. (Not even a vampire. Just a ladybat.)

So for two women who both often get passes for their perceived innate cool, they’ve rung up some doozies this year. Whose are worse?

Archive: Zendaya, Gwen Stefani

No. 2. CHARLI XCX vs. No. 15 CARA DELEVINGNE

Cara. Cara, Cara, Cara.

I said it then, and I’ll say it now: IT’S JUST ART SUPPLIES.

Cara was also an early adopter of the current — and ideally short — red eye-shadow trend.

She paired it with a dress that’s admittedly a gorgeous color, but girl, that thing artificially bloats you.

Cara is also known to go quasi-pantsless:

But perhaps that’s because pants don’t always work out so well for her:

That is half Sandy from Grease, half someone else’s bathing suit from an Etsy store called Lactating Sparkles.

And that? That’s just a bummer. Look at all the face she’s bringing, and then at how meager the sartorial offering is.

Speaking of meager: this swatch of cloth.

Welcome to the Boogie Nights Gentlemen’s Club. Here is your hostess for this evening.

THIS feels like Charli doing her best Jenndashian impression. I don’t have a shot of the front OR the back of this, and I sincerely believe I do not need one. I can pass this judgment comfortably, and I deem it wanting.

That makeup belongs with an entirely different outfit, and while I’m not wild about the heavy eye and lip on her face, I think replacing the outfit is the place to start. Because that tortured thing doesn’t need to exist EVER, on anyone. And BOY does she love shiny material. And, if you clicked that link, scoot one slide over and see how she changed into a nearly identical dress in a different shiny color. WHY.

And remember the time she dressed as a particularly murderous screen door? Or this mushy, droopy mess of a ball gown? Or THIS:

I don’t know where this trend came from of having pants that are split up your shins. It’s not good. NONE of this is good, but in particular that.

She also might have the opposite effect of Zendaya — I see her in stuff and I am IMMEDIATELY suspicious of it. Like this semi-sheer Vivienne Westwood. It as merits, but also, it looks like she’s tromping around in someone else’s costume. And WHAT are those shoes? And indeed, what are THESE shoes?

Donna Martin would like them back, please. But NOBODY wants her to return the rest of it. This open-shouldered country-girl frock was bizarre from her, too.

BIG FINISH:

I did tell you it was big.

Archive: Charli XCX, Cara Delevingne

No. 3. KYLIE JENNER vs. No. 14 ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO

I love it when a bracket comes together. The randomizer had NO IDEA, when it gently placed these two loons in each other’s paths, that they’d worn versions of the same dress.  First up is Kylie, who wore hers on-stage to present something and kept her hand clamped over her crotch so that nothing came open:

And then, Alessandra, at the Super Bowl:

Alessandra also loves shredded stuff:

But, so does Kylie:

Anyone for sheers?

Yep. And:

And don’t forget all the peekaboo:

Kylie’s offering here is a weird two-piece dress that has tiny transparent triangles on her groin. She’s also worn SO MUCH BALMAIN, like here and here and I think also here:

Surely that shrank?

Also, both ladies love Coachella. Here, Alessandra admittedly only seems to THINK she is there:

And here is what she ACTUALLY wore to the fest:

Kylie shall counter with one gentle blow…

… and then, I suspect, the knockout punch and the crux of her entire seeding here:

Game on.

Archive: Kylie Jenner, Alessandra Ambrosio

No. 6 JANUARY JONES vs. No. 11 HOLLAND RODEN

These two also have a little common ground. For example, both women wore Gumby jumpsuits.

And:

And both of them ALSO wore extremely sad white jumpsuits:

You’re up, Holland:

Transparency? YOU GOT IT.

Bring it, Roden:

What? You’ve ANOTHER one, Holland?

Hmm. What can you counter with, JanJo?

Yeesh.

And so we swat the ball over to Holland again…

… and she offers up something that I think could have been a cute dress (if longer) or great wacky pants, but together, it’s too much.

But can it compete with this?

Talk about pants that should be dispatched with a quickness. ARE they even pants? Or are they just… leg tubes? Fug Madness really does ask the important questions.

Archive: January Jones, Holland Roden