Fug Madness 2015, Round Two: Cher Bracket, Part 2

Jump to: No. 6 Solange vs. No. 14 Keke Palmer 

No. 2 JENNIFER LOPEZ vs. No. 10 NATASHA BEDINGFIELD

I don’t get to talk about Jennifer Lopez that much as myself, because I’m usually writing AS her. So I will take this time to note that I find her deeply, deeply hilarious, and I had grabbed these photos ages ago and then forgotten to do anything with them. So let’s just behold the faces she makes when she’s en route to Idol from her trailer. Whether she is dressed as a Versace sneaker…

… or a tube of lipstick that you’ve used really unevenly to the point where it’s almost sharp…

… or as a super fancy, psychedelic Pac Man level:

That expression really tickles me. She’s probably just checking that there’s nothing in her teeth, but something about it tickles me silly. I love you, J.Lo, fug and all. Never change.

And as for that fug, let’s get into it. We’ve seen that she wore a dress with one pant leg. We’ve seen that she wore identically themed gowns made of criss-crossing straps — one to the VMAs, and one to the AMAs (with an honorable mention for this white one that’s halfway there). But let’s not forget what happens when she allows Tom Ford to have at her:

Illusion of Pubic Patch. That’s what happens. (And open-toed mesh socks. Which have to be the dumbest invention this side of a Jump To Conclusions mat.)

She also wears marching band pants:

And ENORMOUS NAVY PANTS and leggings as pants, then some pants that once may have belonged to a leprechaun with elephantitis:

And genie pants with a beaded sneeze:

And then she will swerve and show up someplace looking jarringly like the First Lady of Your Town’s Most Successful Car Dealership.

She also is like a dog with a bone, this lady. Not only did she go with yet another one-legged outfit…

… but she also wore a version of this outfit on two consecutive days:

The other one might be uglier. But both are SO BAD. I know we’re always yapping on at people to visit the archives, but we can’t feature every single eligible outfit here, and sometimes it’s worth a good belly laugh. Jennifer Lopez is a national treasure, in a weird way. And as fugalicious as her outfits can be, I’m not going to lie to you: I’m Team Lopez over Team Kardashian any day of the week. Which doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get your vote. Just that I know where I’d rather pledge my allegiance.

Let’s ease in with Natasha:

J.Lo went with one entirely bare leg through a half-leotard; Natasha went with s sheer stripe down the outside of each one. So… does half of each add up to J.Lo’s one?

And then, of course, along came a spider that sat down beside her and tried to repair the hole in her dress.

“I wonder if this is the best use of this jacket? … YES, surely, of course it is! My judgment is sound as a pound!”

This is, if I may be hacky, NOT a pocketful of sunshine. No.

Girl.

It is DEFINITELY too hacky for me to say that the rest of this outfit is still unwritten, but… it just happened anyway.

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No. 6 SOLANGE vs. No. 14 KEKE PALMER 

Everyone says there is no word that rhymes with “orange,” but “Solange” is as close as we’re going to get, so there’s your clean transition into this outfit:

Psst. Solange. Your sarong scooted too far around you.

Usually she shows up Beyonce at the Met Gala, but this was an epic thud.

And for as much as people went nuts for her wedding wear, she changed into this after the ceremony and promptly slipped a nip while dancing in the street in front of the paparazzi they invited. It cracks me up that she had three be-caped outfits for this union of blessed souls (she also wore a bodice cape to Art Basel; she LOVES a cape and would HATE Edna Mode), and this one could be a LOT worse, but I keep trying to imagine how weird her kid must have felt when he (in other pictures I declined to use) realized he was boogieing down next to his mom’s right boob.

 

And those look like Pac Man, headed south for a power pellet.

I can laugh, and I can celebrate her lovely face, but WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS BONKERS.

I want to assume this was for a pool party, but… I can’t trust her. Also, that top! Is a thing that exists.

Let’s go from sheer to sheer:

I can’t tell if she KNEW the bra part was sheer, but… at the same time, how do you NOT know? And she certainly knew the rest of it was, so… a thousand points for the smile, but then she loses them all for making me a deer in her headlights.

She also cannot pretend she didn’t know about this one, either. I guess this WAS the droid she was looking for.

This feels incredibly dated. Like, not only is it bad, but it’s from someone’s musty 2003 archive.

That is one perilous slit, one shapeless sheath, one badly chosen pair of shoes.

She also, naturally, wore… well, if they aren’t Skirt Pants, then they’re at the very least lopsidedly baggy.

And then:

She wore this… to A PRESS OP. FOR HER BROADWAY DEBUT. She was in Cinderella. Is this meant to be a “before” shot? HOW CAN YOU NOT BRING IT FOR A BROADWAY PR PHOTO SHOOT. And is it beautiful synergy that a woman who once played Cinderella might be our tournament’s Cinderella? Or hasn’t she done enough to unseat Solange a l’orange?

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