Fug Madness 2015, Round Two: Charo Bracket, Part 2

Jump to: No. 3Lindsay Lohan vs. No. 6 Chrissy TeigenNo. 2 KAT GRAHAM vs. No. 7 CIARA  

This one is going to be tricky.

 

In one corner, we have Kat Graham, noted kook, lover of awful pants, passionate wearer of one’s own abs, defender of the secrets of Castle Braskull. (No, seriously, she loves a visible undergarment.)

In the other, Ciara, equal lover of blazers and bad bottoms, but cleaving more to formal tube tops.

Kat here went full Boobs with her formalwear…

… whereas Ciara went more Legsly. (Parenthetically, I miss ol’ Blake “Boobs Legsly” Lively and I hope she gets back on the red-carpet horse soon.)

Sometimes Kat dresses like a street magician:

Sometimes Ciara dresses like an extremely dramatic French palm reader:

Kat wears chastity suspenders…

… and Ciara wears kneepads.

I am not, in all honestly, entirely sure what the hell this even IS is on Kat:

 

Pajamas? Lingerie trousers, a.k.a. trougerie? It burns.

 

 

But Ciara fell prey to the dreaded Leather Overall trend. And don’t worry — she will have Jessie J for company down there, so please, don’t feel compelled to go in after her.

Their archives are full of other treats. Like Kat resembling a poorly seeded lawn, or Ciara wearing one of Princess Leia’s dresses (after she cut it up during a raucous fight with Han Solo). Ciara also wore a bad Givenchy that looks like a bikini top tied over a frock, and I think Kat wore a pants outfit of neoprene. Tour the Kat Graham and Ciara archives and see anything else that didn’t make the cut for this post (but which still counts), and… much like a person leaving a message on Dylan McKay’s answering machine, you know the drill.

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No. 3 LINDSAY LOHAN vs. No. 6 CHRISSY TEIGEN

I’d like to begin with a photo that we can all probably agree needs to be the cover of Lindsay Lohan’s next album, which will be a bunch of illegally performed Michael Jackson covers.

That photo makes me laugh. I don’t even know how bad the outfit is; I just had to share.

I know EXACTLY how bad THIS outfit is, though:

It’s a pajama jumpsuit. (Unlike this, which might be actual slumberwear, and which she wore out with a mask.)

And this one:

You think it’s all about he shirt and whatever bra thing lurks underneath there, but do not sleep on those tights. Those are some SHINY HOSE, my friend. She also looks like she’s drawn in a breath and refuses to exhale. You know those movies where a kid gets caught smoking and hides the cigarette in his/her mouth until the parents leave the room? Yeah.

Why, Lindsay? We approve of you WEARING the undergarments. We just don’t need to see a steady stream of proof.

 

WHAT DID I JUST SAY.

I guess this is proof of the opposite. It’s also got some truly blah-colored netting and is bringing me no peace despite what her fingers suggest.

Sigh. Why must she be so contrary?

And Cookie Lyon just wore this (making it the second outfit in Fug Madness 2015 that showed up on Empire, the first being a dress Iggy Azalea wore). Lindsay couldn’t have known she’d be fighting that uphill battle, but she COULD have predicted that even regardless of what anyone thinks of the clothes, her head styling is… nonexistent. And let’s not forget what she wore on Watch What Happens, which was supposed to be the triumphant cap to her reality series, except for how the series itself made her look like a pathological liar.

As I mentioned in the results post, I sincerely think Chrissy Teigen could be LL’s Get-A-Grip Friend. Or, if not friend, then at least spend like two hours immersing her in unassailable logic with a lot of excellent real talk. The only problem being, Lindsay Lohan could point to this photo and say, “I refuse to listen to a woman dressed as the curtain in a fortune teller’s house.”

It’s also hard to take advice about cleaning up your fashion from someone who loves visible boob pads too:

Here, I am just distressed that we’re seeing pancaked underboob:

 

She is also a fan of sideboob, as she proved at the Met Gala, and of going full Boobs Legsly (I’ve decided if I keep mentioning her, she will appear, like The Secret).

Lots of people liked this, and her head looks great, but that slit is a little too… personal… for my general tastes and vicarious comfort.

She hasn’t exactly mastered the full-coverage option, though:

I was going to say, “What are those culottes?” but they are just… those culottes. And they must be destroyed.

This is what happens when Death does a snow angel (though I will accept the shoes).

But for my money, the following is one of the worst outfits of the year:

I just have no idea… it looks like a Mardi Gras hangover, and YOU MUST revisit the back, because IT MIGHT BE WORSE.

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