Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Charo Bracket, Bottom Half

Jump to: Paula Patton vs. Julianne Hough · Fug Madness FAQ 

(2) KATY PERRY vs. (7) HEIDI KLUM 

Heidi has had a better year than in the past, but it’s a mark of her damnable oeuvre that a better year still includes this:

How has she not been on Dancing With The Stars yet? I mean, she’s probably too close to being an ACTUAL star, but she’s certainly dressing like she has a cha-cha inside her just begging to run free.

Also begging to run free:

Much of this site is predicated on screeching the question, “When you have such a GREAT BODY, why do you do AWFUL things to it?” And there’s a large subfolder therein called Heidi Klum’s Chest.

This almost looks like she had to hoist and mangle her left boob, or else, left to its own devices, you’d see all of it. Most of us would greet that with a polite, “No, thank you,” but I think Heidi has never met a mammarial dare she didn’t take. Sadly for her, this one also involved Leg and Navel and Everything and a bit of Panties.

She doesn’t have a great track record with full coverage, though, either:

And I am not sure what’s happening here:

It’s like… a bunch of weird keys, and then a cartoon about germs.

Katy Perry is no stranger to dressing cartoonishly. Nor hideously.

Remember, this is a girl who also wore a sparkly T-shirt that said NU FRENZ on it, and had the number zero, as if to suggest — jersey-style — that she has no nu frenz, which might be because a) she can’t spell and they’re tired of translating her texts, and b) she wore that shirt with a TUTU and their eyes bled. Miss Perry loves a tutu, though:

When it came down the runway, I remember thinking I liked the musical motif but wanted to change EVERYTHING ELSE about it, because it deserved better than a mangled tulle shroud over a corset.

This next one is basically the antithesis of everything Heidi Klum stands for:

Sometimes I wish that concluded TV shows — or even cancelled ones with good premises — would get handed off to other successful writing teams, with the same pilot episode, and see where they take it instead. Like, I don’t have a problem with how Lost ended, but I would also love to give the concept to the Breaking Bad writers and say, “You have three seasons. GO.” And so that outfit, above, is the alt-universe Mad Men in which Don Draper drapes all his wives in actual drapes. Now, you may think that was a long way to go for a joke, but I’m dead serious about that TV show thing. Let’s give Under The Dome to the Parks and Rec people, or the dying Revolution to, say, the How I Met Your Mother team.

Anyway. Back to our show.

It’s partly see-through and it has belled sleeves AND a crop top, and yet it still somehow looks matronly. Plus, her wig wrangler failed her.

And that outfit would be great if it didn’t look like she’d gotten a napkin stuck in her underpants. She also trotted out a hot pink leopard number with safety pins that is Versace, and interestingly fairly Klumian, and some hair knobs that are very Miley. Fug Nation decreed that this semi-plunging blue thing looked too cheap, and my eyeballs decreed this neon thing toxic to pregnant women and small children.

But there is one thing she did that Heidi Klum has never attempted, and it is this:

It is a credit to Katy that her face still looks so good around the candy-colored grill, but the fact remains that the grill is THE WORST. UNLESS IT COOKS HOT DOGS I DON”T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR GRILL.

Archives: Katy, Heidi

 

(3) PAULA PATTON vs. (6) JULIANNE HOUGH 

I am hoping that this year, a future legend was born. Because I miss the Bai Lings and the Peldons of the world, and I think there is a new queen to inherit their places:

All hail General Patton of the Fug Army.

Julianne Hough wore a variation on this theme to the Golden Globes:

What really hurt her was that, on the same night, Cate Blanchett wore a BETTER version of this overdone look, so she didn’t have a prayer. I also don’t understand why the lacy part of this randomly stops in the front, and the back looks unbelievably cheaply made as well.

But is it as bad as this?

Few things are as bad as that. And the REAL killer is that she’s wearing a dress she, at least, fancies is a sexpot bombshell gown, and yet she wore those Daytime Luncheon shoes with it. COMMIT, Paula, or be committed. (Or both, but at least go down swinging.)

This is Jenny Packham, which means I think we all wish Kate Middleton would cause a SCANDALE by wearing it to a charity event:

Ridiculous. Even if you lined the skirt, the bodice would still have issues, but as it is? Minty shame.

Oh, and if you want shame, let’s talk about Julianne’s Halloween costume, which was SUCH an egregious lapse of judgment (that picture doesn’t showcase how dark the blackface actually was; per most other photos, it was… extreme) that I think it counts toward Fug Madness in a way that I wouldn’t normally consider. It was THAT bad of a decision. This pantsuit was not good, either, but it pales in comparison.

Back to Paula. So many celebrities chicken out of their outfits and don’t sell them. Paula Patton never has that problem. Observe:

Look at the SIZE of that smile. It’s almost as big as the idiotic ruffle buffooning down her chest. Yes, buffooning. I just made that a verb. But it FITS. It’s like a clown cascade. She really like things that smack you upside the head, like this zebra-printed semi-sheer.

I have no idea what in the ever-living hellfire this is:

But I’m PRETTY sure in another life it was a chair cover.

I hope that never had, NOR has, another life. Although it MAY have family members, first in the form of this short and tight Paula outfit, and second, in the form of Julianne’s sleeves:

The crime here is, I think, the tights, although the shoes are a little screwball too:

They seriously look like her ankles were recently untied from bedposts. It’s confusing. Which this is, too:

It’s the fashion version of when your old tube TV would start to go on the fritz.

Archives: Paula, Julianne

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