Fug Madness 2014, Round Two: Bjork Bracket, Top Half

 

(1) KIM KARDASHIAN vs. (8) BEYONCE

As Heather pointed out on Saturday, this worked out nicely: It’s Ye’s lady versus Jay’s. I feel like Beyonce and Jay Z spend a LOT of their time complaining about how Kanye has made them Kardashian-adjacent. I, in fact,  just read that they are considering not attending the Kimye nuptials because they don’t want to end up on KUWTK, which — let’s be real — they TOTALLY WOULD. Kris Jenner will force E! to use two seconds of half-hearted footage of Beyonce wishing Kim an anemic best on her wedding day. That said, I think they should suck it up and go — Kanye is (allegedly) their friend, and sometimes you have to agree to let E! cameras film you pretend to be happy for your friend when you attend his ridic Versailles wedding.

ANYWAY.

Bag may have lost to Lady Gaga, but Bag Owner lives on:

I am endlessly amused that we’ve never seen her carry that again. Poor North is going to have nightmares about that bag, I fear.  And Kim may have PTSD from the stages of her pregnancy where Kanye was (allegedly) refusing to let her wear maternity clothes and forced her to go out in the likes of this:

That does not look comfortable. Also, Kim and I are different in many many many ways, but the day my Baby Daddy tells me what to wear is the day I tell him to back off. (Note: I do not have a baby daddy. This is theoretical. Also, Jon Hamm would never do that to me.) Speaking of Kanye, though, I am endlessly amused by how bemused he always seems in photos with Kim:

You SAW HER put that on, hon! Why so surprised that you’re hanging out with a lacy lady in her nether-gear?

This is also HORRIFYING, although, in the interest of fairness and balance, I do think that her face — if you can tear yourself away from her wretched outfit — looks pretty great:

Poor Kim. 2013 will live in infamy for her as the year she wore a sofa:

In pulling photos of Beyonce, I realized something majestic about her. And that is that it’s possible to make a judgment about whatever she’s wearing just from looking at the back of her. (Perhaps it’s even easier, because I think Beyonce’s pretty face sometimes carries off an outfit that cannot stand on its own; on the other hand, Beyonce also has an enviable bum, so…)

Like, this is just as tacky from the back as the front:

The issues with this are likewise easily grasped from the backview:

Too short, Beyonce! TOO SHORT.

This is also totally mediocre from the rear/side view:

All right. This one is worse from the front. You got me:

Don’t forget to visit Kim’s Arkives! Beyonce’s files can be found here.

(4) ELLIE GOULDING vs. (12) JENA MALONE

I privately think of this as the Game Featuring People Whose Names I Often Misspell. I always want to give Jena another “n,” and I always want to remove Ellie’s “u.” Sorry, ladies.

Also, sorry this happened to you:

This sheer trend will be the end of us all, and by “us all,” I mean ME:

Both of these otherwise lovely blondes make missteps in black:

Heather pointed out that Ellie’s dress made her look as if she’d been run over, and that Jena’s made her look like an unsatisfying gourmet muffin, and I agree with both of those assessments:

We’ve shown you this look of Ellie’s several times and it is still bad:

And I think this is the first time this look has popped up in this particular Fug Madness, but it’s ALSO bad:

In her defense, she appears to agree. I mean, even the shoes are insane. And, finally, speaking of insanity:

Sigh. Curl yourself into the fetal position and enjoy Ellie’s archives, and Jena’s.