Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Cher Bracket, Top Half

As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, peruse the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun!

Jump to: Jennifer Morrison vs. Naomi Watts · Eva Longoria vs. Olivia Munn · Kat Graham vs. Kristen Stewart 

(1) MILEY CYRUS vs. (16) MEAGAN GOOD

Miley’s archive this year is, quite simply, a parade of WTF. A lot of it is crazy performance wear — which, personally I think counts toward her body of work, given that she chose to PUT THOSE ON HER BODY and also because I am 100% sure that Miley’s entire look is driven by Miley at all times — but you know what? She wore plenty of wacktacular gear off-stage, too. Sure, what you remember from this year is Twerking on Robin Thicke, or Going Hee Haw With Madonna, or Doing Her Best Liberace On New Year’s Eve, or that Time She Ground Up on Santa, but THIS also happened:

Stop the violence…to MY RETINAS, Miley.

She also sported  some pants the likes of which serve only to confuse and dismay. What fresh hell are these?

Or these?

Those make a girl look like she’s got a serious and uncomfortable lymphatic disorder. And speaking of disorders, she possibly also looked like she had a skin one once she removed the following frock, which involves netting and also pasties:

I’ve said this a thousand times but never meant it as fervently as I do right now: OUCH MY EYES.

You will note that I tried to keep these photos to an amenable ratio of Tongue v. No Tongue, much as one ought when kissing a new paramour. The things I do for you.

On to Miley’s opponent. As a reminder to those who don’t follow basketball with the same fervor that we do, the number one seeds — like Miley — are considered the hardest opponents to defeat, and because of their Mad Skillz, they are matched up with lower seeds in the first rounds, because ideally you end up with a Final Four of all number one seeds. But there are always upsets, which is what makes Madness so exciting.

Will Meagan score an upset? She’s up against someone who doesn’t fear suspenders, who may be wearing a polar bear, and who wore a two-piece French cut leotard covered in cats.

Here are the knives she brought to this gun fight:

And by “knives,” I mean “boobs”:

Boobs And Jumpsuits:

And crop tops.

Boobs and Jumpsuits and Crop Tops are basically the entire theme of this website sometimes, and certainly of her archives, which include these terrible overalls and this tragic beige thing. And let’s be clear: NONE of these are good. But it falls to you to answer the question:

(8) JENNIFER MORRISON vs. (9) NAOMI WATTS

Ooooh, I think this one is going to be close — as it should be, when an 8 seed takes on a 9 seed. As always, I invite you to look at these competitors archives: Jennifer Morrison’s archive lives here, and Naomi’s lives (or Lievs HAHAHAHAH) here. (Too soon in Fug Madness for me to be so punchy, kids.) Let’s begin with filmy items resembling lingerie:

The real question is, which of these looks make me want to stab myself more? The one above, or this one:

THEY’RE BOTH SO HORRIFIC. I am overwhelmed with waves of hate. It feels like acid reflux.

This below is one of those looks that might have worked on SWINTON, but it works on no one else, even the lovely Naomi Watts:

Well, maybe Barbara Walters. It’s old, and/or strange, is what I’m saying.

This appears somewhat moldy, which is probably not the look for which she was going:

Speaking of something that looks like an accident, what has happened here, and has anyone checked to make sure Joann’s Fabrics is all right?

Can’t you just hear Tim Gunn intoning the words, “student work”? It’s possible I am just hallucinating, but at least my hallucination is on topic. And if that frock makes me hallucinate, this one is making me dizzy:

Should fashion come with so many side effects? Other items perhaps causing nausea include Naomi half-assing a Bulgari party, this underwhelming retro thing, and her ALSO underwhelming white Diana premiere dress. Naomi didn’t sell that terrible movie on screen OR at its premieres. As for Jennifer, she also wore so much beige. SO MUCH BEIGE. She also dabbled in jumpsuits to poor effect, and had equally terrible luck with pantsuits.

(5) EVA LONGORIA vs. (12) OLIVIA MUNN

Will Olivia — whose archives live here, for your research purposes — take down the Once and Future Widow Longoria? Her boob holsters will help:

So may…whatever this actually turned out to be. I still don’t know if it’s shorts or what:

I do, however, know that it is quite bad and it makes my face hurt. This feels appropriately glum, considering whom she’s battling for ultimate fug supremacy and the right to move onto the next round:

That dress is the sartorial wah waaaaah of the year. How many people do you think approached her to attempt to fix that rando lacy bit and were thwarted? Your answer: ALL OF THEM. She also cheesed out in this thing, and BRUTALLY squeezed into this number.

In the other corner, Eva Longoria, whose wardrobe may be questionable but whose comedic timing I actually quite miss on my TV:

That feels terrifically on the nose: both glum AND sort of trashy, in a way that is somehow sort of hilarious? I don’t know, you guys. I feel like Eva Longoria needs a job and fast. Can we get her a gig on Dallas? She’d be GREAT on Dallas. She could also provide her own wardrobe, honestly. This would fit into a scene where someone gets slapped:

This is ripe for tacky seduction:

And this is obviously for when she’s hit the bottle and thus lost ALL judgement whatsoever:

But there’s so much more! She sported these perplexing and wretched pants! And this sheer nightmare! And this even SHEERER nightmare, yet more nightmarish! (And nightgownish.)

Speaking of judgement, you’re up:

(4) KAT GRAHAM vs. (13) KRISTEN STEWART

In which we realized Kristen Stewart went out more this year than we remembered her. I also miss her, you guys. I sincerely do. She’s never boring and her tendency to look somewhat cranky on the red carpet had become comforting to me. Come back to us, K Stew! I never really cared who you slept with in the first place. Other than being an old gossipy hag, of course.

Remember THIS shitshow? It’s Stella McCartney, of course:

Or THIS debacle? I worry that 2013 was the year that pants turned on Kristen:

This unfortunate event would bear out that theory:

The above is Chanel, with whom Kristen is currently working, and who also did this to her:

I’m scared this Chanel thing is going to be as mean to Kristen as Dior has been to Jennifer Lawrence. On the other hand, they didn’t do THIS to her, and her Coachella look is entirely her own responsibility.

Kristen is taking on The Vampire Diaries’ Kat Graham, and she is a formidable opponent.

She’s wearing a screen door, but at least her face looks amazing. Actually, her face almost always looks great; she’s very beautiful, I think. She just makes occasionally — er, often — awkward clothing decisions, like BEHOLD:

And this offering, which I think is actually ceremonial garb on foreign planet Tennis:

Or this, which fills me with the impulse to lean against a jukebox and squeal, “Jeremy Jordon?! ALL RIGHT!”

The best that can be said for THAT is that no, she’s not wearing socks with those mules. But she is wearing the rest of it. She also wore this crazy catsuit, and this somehow disappointing yet also sassy get-up. She wore it all!

And therefore it’s time for you to decide…