Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Bjork Bracket, Top Half

As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Ellie Goulding vs. Kaley Cuoco · Kerry Washington vs. Jena Malone · Beyonce vs. Emma Watson 

(1) KIM KARDASHIAN vs. (16) LADY VICTORIA HERVEY

It’s been a while since a top seed versus a play-in winner have provided such a formidable matchup. Y’all were correct to pick Lady Hervey for this dubious honor, because she’s been busier than anyone realized; however, she may have met her exhibitionist match. If Kim wins, I fully expect her to assume this means she also gets to appropriate the “Lady” from Victoria’s title. CAN YOU IMAGINE. “Hey, England, I’d like to introduce you to your newest blue-blood.”

And England will be like, “Ew, except we’re not actually fazed because we’ve seen it all before.” Case in point, and no, it’s not the photo you’re expecting it to be:

Cheeky, Lady V. CHEEKY.

Well. No need to be LITERALLY cheeky. Kim, what have you to say?

Oh. Oh, I see. Yes. Good point.

Wait, what’s that, Victoria? Is something thong — er, I mean, wrong?

Wait, no, it’s “thong,” I had it (potentially) right the first time. Kim, this is going to be challenging.

Interesting. And, that’s right, I forgot, you also wore a see-through white thing that was WICKED unflattering on The Tonight Show. And a bra, to a fashion show. Thanks for the mammaries. Er, memories. You’re making a wonderful case for yourself, child.

Okay, Victoria, you have the floor:

Hmm. Now I kind of want to take back the floor and never return it to you.

Kim wants to point out something exciting:

She went out twice in one day in this outfit, but for this trip with Kanye, actually went to the trouble of fluffing it into a certain cleavage configuration. And that’s where the discovery is. See that beige thing there, between them, propping them up, helping them fly the friendly skies like a pair of pilot’s wings?

Well:

She has ANOTHER ONE. In black. So they can fly the friendly skies in other TOTALLY NAKED OUTFITS. Like, can she even remove the coat? Is there even a proper top to this thing? Does that bar hoist AND cover, or is it just a mustache?

YES, Victoria, WE HEAR YOU. We haven’t forgotten. God.

But Kim would like to remind you, and everyone, that she had one of the most poorly dressed pregnancies ever, including a drab Jane Austen-style maxi, a satin… coat thing, and a too-short other kind of thing, and an actual onesie in sympathy with her forthcoming spawn.

And then she’d like to close with a moment of great subtlety and taste.

Someday, North West is going to be like, “I WORE THAT?!? MOM YOU ARE THE WORST.”

Archives: Kim, Victoria

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(4) ELLIE GOULDING vs. (13) KALEY CUOCO

These two lovely blondes should always do better. ALWAYS. Their hair always looks terrible, their outfits are a problem… they might be soulmates, honestly. Someone go find Ellie Goulding a tennis player to marry in two weeks.

Let’s dive in with Ellie:

I just want to rip off the womb strip. It would help, but frankly, this dress has so little relation to the way she presents herself the rest of the time that beyond being unappealing, it’s also discordant.

Enter Ms. Cuoco:

That’s just a muddy, dirty watercolor. It’s not cute, and she didn’t do anything cute WITH it to try and make it feel fresher. She also wore a dishwater-colored gown to the SAGs, so maybe she’s really into dingy right now.

Speaking of stale: Ellie wore both a half-see-through gown because OF COURSE, and one of these:

Listen, Hollywood. If there is truly no other reason to stay away from this style of outfit, let me offer you this one: EVERYONE ELSE HAS ALREADY DONE IT. IT’S SO UNORIGINAL AT THIS POINT. BE MORE INTERESTING. She was into peekaboo this year for sure (although the solid stuff wasn’t much better).

Also don’t do this:

I hate that it looks like her chest is wearing shoulder pads.

This feels like the cover of a REALLY “literary” tome about the entry into hell, as an allegory for cramps.

“Shit. I just got here like two minutes ago. I TOTALLY forgot. What am I even wearing? How is my hair? Wait — don’t tell me. It’s better if I don’t know.” In fact, this slideshow features two more terrible Kaley Cuoco Classic Headsuits.

I WISH I didn’t know about this:

It’s poorly made, it’s hideous, her HAIR WHY CAN’T SHE DO HER HAIR, her makeup is boring, she has no feet… Is this what happens after you play at the Royal Wedding? Does the rest of the world suddenly lose its luster and you can’t be motivated to enjoy anything and so you fall into a pit of deep styling despair? SEE WHAT YOU HAVE WROUGHT, MIDDLETON?

More hair problems:

It’s also a shorts set. A SHORTS SET. I’m not sure it isn’t secretly pajamas.

This is unsecretly awful, and unsecretly she is wearing panties.

That’s good and all, but if we’re LOOKING at them through your side window then you’re doing something wrong. Hint: That something isn’t the panties. And why does she have body chains stuffed UNDER this thing? UGH.

You don’t THINK this is going to be UGH, but then it gets you:

That bodice is a crime. It is dangerous. It should not be on the streets.

Archives: Ellie, Kaley

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(5) KERRY WASHINGTON vs. (12) JENA MALONE

Let’s not pretend that Jena Malone isn’t here chiefly because of this hideous bastard:

WHY. We all know you’re a child actress who’s fully grown now; you actually strip down IN THE MOVIE in an elevator. It’s okay. Trust our eyes, and trust yourself. You don’t need to go Full Hervey.

This is so fringey and so “LOOK AT MY LINING” and I just can’t but at least she has on lipstick, which is more than most people do anymore.

I’ve decided the complications of this outfit are to distract you from noticing that it’s a jumpsuit. She also wore some shoes that are truly confusing to me, but not as much as this dress is:

That looks like expensive pastry wrap — I believe at the time I likened it to the tissue you get around some of those really cylindrical “gourmet” muffins that actually aren’t very tasty. It’s true. It’s also unflattering and bizarre and that extra dust ruffle has to be a prank, right? It’s the fashion equivalent of passing out and waking up to find out your friends wrote stupid stuff on your face.

I was concerned all of Kerry Washington’s entries would be pregnancy-related and thus earn her a pass I don’t think she deserves, but FORTUNATELY she did a lot before that. Like this nightmare thing with lips all over it, and a super plain and boring yellow dress that some people liked but which I thought was a total snore and needed lippy at the VERY least, and a so-so black and white dress we put up to a vote.

AND THIS:

I can’t decide if I hate this more from the front, or the back, but — SPOILER — the answer is probably the back:

She also wore this back when she was trying to HIDE the fact that she was pregnant:

It failed. That thing is busier than her womb was.

You can’t even really tell she’s pregnant in this angle, which goes to show that when you consider this solely on its own merits — and not as the artsy whimsy of a gestating lady — you realize it HAS none of its own merits. It’s SO BAD. Miuccia Prada has a lot for which to answer this year, and this is tops on the list.

There is also this crazy-ass tent:

And the piece de resistance, the one I can’t BELIEVE she even attempted, the one that she SURELY never would have worn had she not been paranoid about us spotting her burgeoning bump (which in fact we all spotted specifically BECAUSE this is so nutty):

I call it Prairie Washington. ZING.

Archives: Kerry, Jena

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(8) BEYONCE vs. (9) EMMA WATSON

Beyonce didn’t have a big year, but she also had a BIG year: She was on tour a lot, so her public appearances were at a minimum, but she made it COUNT where the fug is concerned. Like this see-through outfit from a Super Bowl party, and of course her infamous Grammys dress:

The poor tone on the illusion netting makes her look like cheap Hanes. (Are there expensive Hanes? I am no longer on intimate terms with the hosiery section of any store.) You can see it from all angles here. I chose this one because of how clearly this thing is tempting her rear end to fall out of it.

Emma wasn’t afraid to go bare, either:

Every time someone mistakes it for a shirt, a tube top gets its wings.

With tepid apologies to Miss Bey, I am also showing this outfit from the back:

And the reason is because her awkward walk and hand positions perfectly illustrate the perils of it. I don’t CARE if your giant boots match the mini and you’re a walking Dark Side of the Force disco ball. YOUR ANAL NETHERS MAY BE COMPROMISED.

This juxtaposition may actually seal it for Beyonce, siimply because as much as I didn’t like the dress-over-pants thing on Emma, at least HER anal nethers are safely covered.

This was the other big sin committed by Givenchy on Met Ball night, and yes, you must NOT forget that it had MATCHING FIRE BOOTS.

We put this up to a vote, I think swayed by her sweet face. Jonah Hill up there seems deeply unimpressed with this combination of pattern and geometry, and some of you agreed with him.

Let’s cut to Emma again for some drama:

A giant crotch bow is vexing, indeed. And it has the misfortune of wanting to pass as high art, whereas SURELY this, the last word from Queen Bey, knows exactly what it is (which is mildly NSFW) and what it isn’t (classy):

If you want to see the rest of her Mrs. Carter tour outfits, please do. But this is the one that lost me for good.

Archives: Beyonce, Emma

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