As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. Enjoy.
(1) KRISTEN STEWART vs. (16) MICHELLE DOCKERY
Let’s do this thing. (As I wrote that, I heard New Girl’s Schmidt saying it. And I like to think that Schmidt is a VICIOUS Fug Madness player. He has a pool, and there is trash-talking. And in this GFY/New Girl fanfic I am writing, he’s also TERRIBLE at it and Winston wins the whole thing, but doesn’t even care and Schmidt is kind of devastated because he’s been training all year.)
Speaking of devastating:
Girl, what are you thinking? I know this was a hard year for you, but I’m not sure the answer lies at the bottom of a pile of sheer lace and tulle. Just look at how skeptical everyone behind you looks:
I don’t know if I will ever personally recover from the HORROR of the sequin/lace jumpsuit. Should anyone ever really wear anything that could be best described as SEXY PRESENT DAY LIZA MINNELLI? Somewhere, even Liza Minnelli is reading this and nodding her head.
As for this — which happened the SAME WEEK as the above, also known as The Week My Head Exploded — it simply looks like the underpinnings for another, considerably more beautiful dress:
This one, from the Snow White and the Huntsman tour — AKA the I Am Trying To Conceal A Real Bad Workplace Decision Tour — just makes me want to lay down. FOREVER:
Her pelvis has a mustache, you guys.
Let’s just move onto Lady Mary, discreetly and politely pretending PELVISTACHE never happened:
Oh, Lady Mary. I know you’re all upset because Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler Spoiler which I wouldn’t even Spoiler except that someone commented on the Cousin Matthew post yesterday that she was only on episode three of Downton Abbey and although I told her to STOP READING because someone was going to Spoiler the Spoiler Spoiler, I feel for her. SPOILER: I didn’t like this dress at all. LET THE TULLE MADNESS END.
Also, let’s stop Wrinkle Mania:
And Lace Impositions:
We’ll ALL be better off. You. Me. K Stew. M Dock. Everyone.
Archives: Kristen Stewart. Michelle Dockery.
(4) KE$HA vs. (13) ASHLEY BENSON Ke$ha is another one of those people who you might THINK wasn’t really out this year, like Lady Gaga before her, and then you actually look at her body of work, and then you pass out. She wore this to an Inaugural event:
In fairness, even if her face looks like she’s a refugee from the Dangerous Liaisons musical they’re doing on Smash right now, those are cute shoes. She wore this AT THANKSGIVING ON THE TODAY SHOW:
Ann Curry is turning over in her grave. Speaking of turning over in one’s grave, Michael Stipe is twirling around in his likewise fictional one, thanks to her homage to his eye makeup here:
Ke$he is really never going to give up fighting that War on Pants, is she?
Even at an amfAR benefit! Girl, I know Sharon Stone is going to be there, but that doesn’t mean we can ALL go Rapid Beaver:
And while Ashley Benson has worn some delicious doozies in costume on Pretty Little Liars, those looks aren’t eligible for her Fug Madness run this year. That doesn’t mean she hasn’t dipped her toe in Lake Fug on occasion in real life. This looks like something Kristen Stewart at least considered once:
And this is seriously not helping our pro-pants stance. Pants should HELP you, not land you in the midst of some very judgmental bracketology:
And yet Ashley has also had bad luck when she steers clear of pants. I am being to think that this is the bracket where pants go to die:
Your camera should not be bigger than your bottoms, hon.
Archives: Ke$ha, Ashley Benson
(5) JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. (12) GWEN STEFANI
I CANNOT WITH THIS DRESS. My levels of CANNOTITUDE requires copious caps lock:
That is just like, a world of no. A universe of no. A universe full of other universes all full of no.
And when I look at sweet Chastain — the one celebrity for whom I find myself most ardently rooting– in this Globes dress, I find myself making the same face as the woman right behind her:
It’s the “great color….OH YIKES” face. I just don’t understand why she looks so reliably Off at every single awards show except for the Oscars, where she is (so far) reliably AMAZING. Is it all just a seriously elaborate mind game? A social experiement? Is her stylist really really really trying to lower expectations?
Like, get a load of this one. It’s a giant basketful of ARGH:
And this! This is a pitcherful of WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH:
SIGH.
Let’s take a look at Gwen. And her Droopy Bespangled Romper:
And her Madonna Costume:
And her Stella McCartney jumpsuit (which she is ALMOST pulling off because she is in seriously INSANELY GOOD shape, like, why am I not typing this on one of those desks that are attached to a treadmill?):
And her 90s Summer Music Festival Costume, the one where she gets home and then ends up reading in a magazine that the skirt she’s been wearing for weeks, the one she bought at Cost Plus, is actually highly flammable and super dangerous:
And that thing she wore that time she was the lead in an adaptation of a Danielle Steele novel:
Archives: Jessica Chastain, Gwen Stefani
(8) EVA LONGORIA vs. (9) CHRISTA B. ALLEN
In which the Widow Longoria takes on my least favorite part of Revenge, which is saying A LOT:
I mean, are we really still doing this? And THIS? Are we REALLY still doing THIS?
REALLY? But maybe it’s better to keep rolling around in the black lace sheer drama like everyone else in this bracket when your other option is to wear an origami napkin:
Make it stop. Make it ALL stop, this included:
Also this:
And definitely this. We have to stop this:
(Wow, she really looks like Jennifer Garner in that shot, doesn’t she?) But most of all, I just really want you to drink this in before you vote:
Judging from the step-and-repeat, this must have been around Halloween, although I don’t think it’s a costume. If it is….could she be in costume as….THE WIDOW LONGORIA?
Archives: Eva Longoria, Christa B Allen
