As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. Enjoy.
1) JUSTIN BIEBER vs. (16) CHRISTINA RICCI
Well, this one seems like a slam dunk for the Bieb. BUT IS IT?
I mean, you can’t argue that this is a hot mess:
Your dress should not have a mouth. On the other hand, another good rule of thumb is that you SHOULD NOT WEAR OVERALLS TO MEET THE PRIME MINISTER:
I am tempted to just leave THAT with you as the only proof that Bieber has truly earned his one seed, but that would deprive you of the following MADNESS:
Um. Those pants. What is happening there? Why is this a THING? Who even decided to MAKE THOSE? And…just WHY WHY WHY would this happen? WHY, you guys?
This whole thing is giving me an existential crisis:
This is person, I must remind you, who decided to hire A SWAGGER COACH. LIKE THAT IS NOW A THING. Can you imagine what those training sessions must be like? “This outfit has insufficient swagger. How about a leather bandanna fashioned to resemble a trompe d’oeil mock turtleneck?”
“THERE WE GO. THAT’S THE SWAGGER WE’VE BEEN MISSING.”
And since the leather turtleneck worked out so well, why not a whole leather suit? YOU CAN JUST WIPE IT DOWN! IT WORKED FOR MICHAEL JACKSON! Michael Jackson, so renowned for smart life choices!
Are those jodhpurs? I am not amused.
And while I would argue that this is also unamusing, I am INTERESTED to hear all about the time machine required to purchase it:
(I actually think the Time Machine is called The Marc Jacobs Store, but that’s another conversation for another time.) On the other hand, I did find THIS totally whimsical and entertaining, if, you know, super cracked out and somewhat ridic:
I have seen smaller bows tied to cars in Lexus commercials.
(4) LADY GAGA vs. (13) MAMIE GUMMER
When we were doing the seedings for Fug Madness, we almost left Lady Gaga out of the party. “She didn’t really leave the house this year,” we said. “Maybe we should just check and make sure,” we finally noted. “OMG SHE CAME OUT OF THE VAGINA THIS YEAR.”
I can’t believe we almost left her out of this. In our defense, we clearly needed to block that out of our minds. The following — in which she seems to be in disguise as an aristocratic French mountain goat — is almost refreshing:
And, sure, those are “performance” outfits and therefore (perhaps not surprisingly) crazy. But with Gaga, even going to dinner is a performance. Behold:
I like how the doorman there is BARELY suppressing his eye roll. Also performance worthy? A trip to the airport:
Slow your roll, sister. If you want photographers to leave you alone MAYBE PUT ON YOUR PANTS. Mamie can loan you some!
I also don’t particularly want to borrow this:
Yikes, or this:
What did we say about not allowing your clothes to have a mouth? Why does no one listen? And why hasn’t Lady Gaga thought of THAT ONE yet? Please don’t tell her. I am barely surviving the whole vagina thing.
(5) MILEY CYRUS vs. (12) EMMA WATSON
Two teen stars who famously cropped their locks enter, ONE TEEN STAR LEAVES. Let’s start off with Miley, who spent all year Just Being Miley:
Just Bein’ Miley 2012 appears to involve A LOT of stripes and black and white, like a low key Tim Burton costume party:
It also involves a LOT of abs:
Both when out buying vegan gluten-free cupcakes on motorcycles AND when attending actual work events:
In fairness, if I had those abs, I’d be wearing a lot of crop tops myself. But maybe give us a chance to miss them, okay?
The erstwhile Hermione brought no abs, but she did bring an awkwardly proportioned dress over pants:
And sideboob encased in what I think was some kind of art project sponsored by the Cotton Industry (the fabric of our lives and whatnot):
And actual nip-slip, in this outfit:
Technically, it was a “nipple shield” slip, as she was wearing those nipple sticker things, and I’m not going to show you the picture because I feel like the power of your imagination ought to be enough, and, frankly, I think that nightgown is bad enough without boobs, and also, do we need to see Hermione Granger with stickers over her nipples? THE ANSWER TO THAT IS NO, YOU PERVS.
(8) JULIANNE MOORE vs. (9) HAILEE STEINFELD
I like to think of this one as a battle of two very classy talented ladies, separated by about thirty years of life. I can visualize each of these women wearing the other woman’s wardrobe and I’m not sure what that says about either one of them, actually. At least neither of them is ever TACKY. Let’s just hold onto that fact like grim death. Can’t you totally imagine Julianne wearing this?
And can’t you see Hailee in this?
I WISH Julianne would pop up somewhere dressed like Blair Waldorf:
Although I really have no desire to see Hailee — or anyone — sporting the likes of this:
Julianne would totally wear this (which I think is really cute until it hits about her calves. A classic scrolldown — which is a favorite of La Moore’s, actually. Have we ever seen them in the same room together? Is Hailee a clone of Julianne sent to us from the future? Will she be playing twins on a soap opera any time soon?):
And I pray to Swinton that NO ONE — not Julianne, not Hailee, not Bieber, not you — WEARS THIS AGAIN EVER. LIKE, EVER: