Fug Madness 2013, Round One: Charo Bracket, Part II


This matchup is really a marquee fight in terms of mishandled assets. In fact, much in the vein of an earlier post I wrote, the noises I am making at these photos reminds me of that old SNL sketch where Chris Farley is a pairs figure skater and he keeps falling and the commentators can’t even get a word out without going, “Ohhhhhh.”

“And it’s a — ohhhhhh.”

“Maybe she’ll — ohhhhhhhhh.”

“This looks like it could — OHHHHH.”

“But I don’t think it — OHHHHHH.”

This even LOOKS like a deranged skating costume.

This is from Fashion Week in September. IN WHAT UNIVERSE is that something anyone puts on, or gives to another person?

This was ALSO from NYFW. The designer should have evicted her. Most people assume you’re wearing the designer you’re supporting, and well, if said designer made that bustier, it’s not supporting ANYTHING and is therefore a terrible advertisement.

Speaking of advertisements, Heidi Klum has a sundial and a flagon of mead at her Shoppe that she’d like to sell you:

Whereas Jessica just wants to read your palm and freak you out by saying things like, “Either you will get married twenty five times, or you really need to moisturize.”

Heidi made several trips to Slittytown this year:

And Jessica frequented Camp Crackballs.

But Heidi got to hit up fashion’s biggest stage, the Met Ball, and this is what she picked: 

How come she can’t do better? How come NEITHER of them can do better? Why the blend of lackluster, crazy, and obvious? Nobody wins with that cocktail. But somebody has to win in this match.

Archives: Heidi Klum, Jessica White


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This is a duel not of fashion models, but fashionistas. Both DK and KW wear a lot of chancey stuff that it takes some innate panache to pull off. And guts like that also mean you’re going to flop as often as you fly. Case in point:

This is very gimmicky. She is correct that if anyone can wear this and not be snickered at, it’s probably her, but I feel like she’s posing for a calendar in a bygone era.

HOWEVER, look how long that outfit makes her look. Which makes these next two baffling:

Do not tell me that wasn’t made out of a smock from her salon, because I won’t believe you. Also, the shoes look like fancy rabbit slippers to me somehow. I can’t unsee that.

And this one, not everyone disliked (we even put it up to a vote on our site, but because our polling plugin was deleted by Forces Out Of Our Control, I can’t see how it fared). But I personally think it is ridiculous, and ridiculous on her. She looks short, she looks squat, she looks bored, and she looks like she accidentally took the bathroom rug with her. By which I mean, EVERY bathroom rug at Target.

Diane had a real Fug or Fab kind of year, actually — there was this white and feathered thing at Cannes, this ornate poncho, and this massive, massive gown which I actually truly loved because Cannes is the exact right place to do that, but I accept that not everyone agrees with me.

I think you will concur with me on this one though:

Heinous. Which is worse: The neck loop, or the thought that she’s not supposed to be WEARING the neck loop because it’s just one of those things that’s there to keep her clothes on the hanger? That bodice is also really sloppy on her, and Diane is not somebody who usually falls prey to poor fit. Well, except for this fancy curtain, and here, because BOOBS WHAT?

And here she apparently wandered drunkenly into Mood and asked for the Pretty In Pink Special. Actually, Diane had a thing for the sheers this year. It didn’t work for her. In fact, it ruined an otherwise okay dress. Also, “the sheers” makes it sound like a bodily ailment. “Oh, Diane can’t come. She’s got the sheers.” Which is what should have happened instead of her leaving the house in this. Friends don’t let friends go out when they’ve got the sheers.

AHEM, Kerry Washington’s friends:

A lot of people thought this was stunning, but I thought it was too much. Line the skirt all the way down, and maybe, but that’s not what happened. And with the BACK lined, it just looks like a particularly large piece of toilet paper stuck in her belt.

Again, with adjustments, this could have been okay? But there were none, and so here we are.

Kerry is a lot like Diane in her taste for Lots and Lots, too.

Could we have stuck to TWO different patterns, maybe? And scrapped the strange flotation aid? As patterns go, I actually loved this one, but the cut wasn’t flattering on her — another issue she had elsewhere on that press tour with an overlong gown and a dated single grommet. And this:

I love that color. I even like that pattern. But SO MUCH of that pattern makes me concerned she needs a medical intervention, or at least a massage with some nice topical salve.

I don’t even know what she was thinking. Even the Mayor of Tweetown is like, “Yikes. Precious much?”

I love this matchup. I have a suspicion who will win. But I enjoy that two ladies who rarely cross paths actually turned out to have so much in common,thematically. Should we set up a tea time?

Archives: Diane Kruger, Kerry Washington

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Oh, the ups and downs we have had with Rashida Jones. SHE seems like she is cool, and she repeatedly works with people who also seem funny and cool, so she must be a good egg. Why must her fashion sense be so cracked?

We’ve been waiting to bring THIS up again since last Fug Madness. She wore this RIGHT after the Oscars so we couldn’t include it, but HERE IT IS, in all its jumpsy-pantsuited glory (I think it’s one piece, but my eyes can’t decipher much of anything happening around her midsection). If it had been just a blouse, or just pants, then we could have saved ourselves the furrowing. Alas.

That is… well, there are a lot of problems. Let’s just pick out one, for now: Why does her cleavage have its own mail slot? They actually removed a postbox from my corner, but they can collect mail in Rashida Jones’ bosom?

GUESS WHO DID THIS TO HER. It is awful. It is, to borrow from her co-star Rob Lowe’s character Chris, LIT’RALLY dangling off her areolae.

And in addition to some REALLY UNFORTUNATE HAIR ISSUES and the world’s blandest Met Ball gown, she also pulled this out just under the wire at the Independent Spirit Awards:

It SEEMS lovely, but then you look at it, and… it LOOKS like it is a long shirt over culottes. It probably is not. But the fact that it embraces this identity crisis is too much for me. Also, the wrinkles. The fit. It’s all wrong. How TREMENDOUS her head and feet look, and how clunky her midsection. She is making such awesome strides toward looking as great as her genes are, but there’s always something.

Rashida’s partner in Mishandled Bangdom is her opponent, Jessica Biel. And they also share a love of Pants-Based Ensembles That Don’t Work.

Child, you are not eighty-five. Your name is not Murgatroyd. You are not wearing your best bingo-night dentures. Put this away, please.

And you are not in Game of Thrones, nor Lord of the Rings, nor anything else written by a person with “R.R.” in the name, like I don’t know, Empress of the Smoke Crown, by Felicity R.R. VonTrapp.

Oh, and remember before she got married, when everything she wore was white, or bridal white, or bridal blush, or bridal dinner chair, or bridesmaidy I’m Testing This To See If It Works For Sabotaging My Girlfriends So That I Won pink?

Or this one, which I like to call Bridal Hey Look My Swans Arrived.

This one will take the cake, though. A shrewd Fug National pointed out that the see-through pants Jessica wore recently are not the first time she’s undertaken such an act of fashion terrorism.


Archive: Jessica Biel, Rashida Jones

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I guess we can parse this one as, Lady Who Has Trouble Wrangling Her Boobs vs. Lady Who Once Played A Girl Whose Boobs Could Predict The Weather. But that’s a mouthful. Or a cupful, as it were. But let’s not make this entirely about her issues wrangling the ladies, though they are as ongoing as ever (and frankly, while I totally sympathize, there’s a point at which if a person of her resources still isn’t DOING anything about it, she must not care about it).

Instead, let’s make it about straight-up bad taste.

As I noted at the time about that shoulder scarf nonsense, if you are someone who has a lot of Stuff going on, the solution is rarely, “Add more stuff.”

The Peanuts characters said it best: Good grief.

Part of the problem with her fug is that it all feels so recycled. Doesn’t it feel like you’ve seen her wear this dress sixteen times? She hasn’t, but she may as well have, and mediocrity coupled with zzzzzz  makes for a pretty solid Fug Madness seeding.

Though I sincerely hope I never see her wearing this dress again. Ever.

Ditto this one. Lock your doors, else they will be BLOWN OFF:

I didn’t like the way her Oscar dress bunched on her chest, her fringey Golden Globes dress left me cold, and I don’t even know what is going on here. But this Gucci is, to me, easily the worst thing Seyfried put on her body this year. She. Looks. A. Mess. And extremely apologetic about it.

Of course, this was pretty bad too, like the lead photo in a magazine article called “How To Do Prom For Under $10.”

Not happening.

And sweet lord, this is Shredded Hefty. Actually, it reminds me of a Twitter conversation some old TWoP recappers were having about how we used to do things back in the Stone Age, before there were devices and DVRs. Some of us took notes by hand. Most of us used VCRs. And Jessica reminisced about the time Sars had to send her a VHS of the Dawson’s Creek finale and it arrived smashed and Jessica had to fix it with a fork. A fork might also help this dress, in the sense that you could stick the fork in it and then maybe it would be done.

Archives: Christina Hendricks, Amanda Seyfried

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Leave a reply

Comments (61):

  1. BooRad859

    Personally, I found Biel/Jones to be the toughest decision yet.

    • PeggyOC

      Agreed. That’s the true fug Sophie’s Choice – two women who should, by grace of genetics and access to designer clothing, be able to look fabulous, and yet who again and again put things on themselves that make them look terrible.

      • Helen

        It was hard. I finally went Biel because of something that isn’t named as in play, but is a matter of choice – those horrible, huge, plasticky veneers. If Hilary Duff can get hers fixed (though she never needed them in the first place), surely Biel can manage it, too.

    • marie

      I was all for Jones over Biel when Parks and Rec was mentioned and i realized I can never vote against pretty, sweet Anne Perkins!

    • mary lou bethune

      I agree; I like them both so much. Beautiful and not all that self absorbed, like Heidi K and her opponent who both seem desperate for attention. Then there is Kristen Stewart who just seems so contrary and dismissive to all the people who made her a millionaire.

  2. Jessica

    Klum/White was BRUTAL for me.

    • Trent

      Jessica, I couldn’t agree more. Objectively, Jessica White wore several things, like her palm reader’s costume, that were hiddy beyond belief. But Heidi has been a top model for TWO DECADES. How can she not see how tacky and desperate and boobtacular her outfits this year have been? I voted for her because she should know better.

      Also, I love Rashida Jones AND Ann Perkins, but she should be winning her matchup with Jessica Biel. Yes, Biel is pretentious and faintly ridiculous and that Black Swan outfit and pose was just embarrassing. But Rashida almost NEVER gets it right, even with her genetic advantages. I want her to go far in FM so she will finally hire a competent stylist.

      As for Christina Hendricks…sigh. I’ve given up. How can someone so lovely be so completely fashion-challenged?

      • Helen

        Yes, Klum/White was really tough, too. I wound up Klum, because BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS, but it was a near thing.

        Hendricks was an easy choice, and, once reminded just how bad her clothes often really are, so was Kruger.

        • Corriner

          It was the hardest match up so far for me as well.

          I went with White because you could actually SEE her nethers in that one blue gown concoction.

          Taylor Momsen won for that two years ago.

          • Helen


            I totally missed that!

            Oh well, vote cast already… and it’s still very funny!

        • CeeDeeGee

          Sorry Ladies, I so disagree. Hendricks indeed looks recycled, I’m bored, I know many very well endowed women who own mirrors and can dress themselves without looking like they have watermelons taped to their chests, they often look buxom and sexy, but not just well LARGE. But Amanda? C’mon this girl should be able to walk into H&M spend thirty bucks and with that figure everone should say “Oh wow, she looks cute/adorable/beautiful, whatever…” , instead she comes out with these atrocities. That takes real work, I mean seriously, how does she manage to look that bad.

    • marie

      what did it for me was that Klum was seemingly at her most “desperate” after the Seal break up..i just cant with her.

    • CranAppleSnapple

      Me too! In fact I was sitting there chewing my face and then my eyes fell on Klum’s blueish gauzy matchy matchy mummy shoes under that blueish acid wash crooked lace-up thing with the hip eyeball.

    • Kyasarin

      I know! But Heidi wins purely on account of the fact that she should know, after three (four?) children, that those things just won’t hold themselves up anymore.

  3. Neil

    Wow! Some really tough matchups in this bracket. These were hard!

  4. cc

    Love everything Kerry Washington wears.

  5. Amalia

    I can’t be the only one who thought Seyfried actually looked pretty cute in most of the selected pix – made it easy to select Christina “Oh, God, help us” Hendricks.

  6. Carolina Girl

    I love how in that first picture of Jessica Biel, Helen Mirren on the poster seems to be giving her the stink eye.

  7. Sarah

    I have Christina Hendricks going quite far this year because the poor girl never looks good AND SHE SHOULD!!! She is so pretty and everything is there for her to look fabulous, but somehow it just never all comes together. It is like she is doing it on purpose now.

    • Erin

      I don’t understand why EVERYTHING SHE WEARS makes her look heavy. EVERYTHING! And she is not fat! Her style makes me so stabby. And I can see that most others agree. Argh, it’s so annoying. Wrangle the boobs, wear shapes the flatter, and stop being so effing fussy. Just stop it.

  8. Miriam

    Seriously, my boobs are about the same size as Christina Hendricks and I do not need to shove them up to my chin or wear hideous, hideous clothes! Why? Just why? She is giving the big boobed girl such a bad rep!

  9. Anne

    I just really want to help dress Christina Hendricks. She was great in Firefly, great in Mad Men, and seems lovely in interviews.

    I’ve had wrangling boob issues myself that I’ve been able to get over. It’s not that hard –start by going a size or two up! And her hair is a dream –WEAR MORE GREENS AND BLUES please.

    You’re so gorgeous, stop wearing clothes that don’t show it!

  10. jen310

    Man, these match ups were killer. Not one easy one in the bunch (well Hendricks vs. Seyfried wasn’t that difficult).

    Heidi won if for me because she was everywhere but Jess put it a tough fight. Heidi must be going through some pre-midlife crisis cuz she acts like she has to prove she’s still got it.
    Girl, you got it, you never lost it, now find some style, damnit.

    I had to go with Kerry. Both her and Diane wore some fugged-up shit but I feel Diane pulls it off slightly better. No human can wear what she wears and look good or sane but somehow
    Diane makes that fug work, barely. Kerry not so much. Kerry FTW.

    Rashida is sooooo pretty. Why can’t she dress herself stylishly? You would think she would have figured it out by now. Jessica is just to bland a personality for me and she seems to try to make up for it with her sartrorial fuggery. Rashida’s fug crimes are the greater fug crimes to me. Don’t let those good genes go to waste, Rashida, they deserve better.

    Christina – you have a kick-ass body. You look like a woman and not a girl. Your body deserves a better fit and a better wardrobe. Take the “Mad Men” costumer shopping with you. Let her show you how to work that body. Do it for yourself and do it for the world. I don’t want to see you here next year. Hendricks FTW.

  11. The Other Molly

    I voted Klum, purely for the hideous black roots that she refuses to deal with.
    And Hendricks for the awful, awful dress and the nerd glasses that went with it.

    • Helen

      Aw, I liked the nerd glasses on such a beautiful face. I thought that was fun.

      But the dress, yeah. Yeesh.

      • msd

        Hendricks was at an event promoting “Spectacle Wearer of the Year” so glasses were the dress code. I rather like them. The dress however …

  12. carovee

    I feel like designers don’t know what to do with someone with Hendrick’s body so she comes across as not quite put together.

    • Edith

      Then she should hire the good people who dress her for Mad Men. And I know she’s not model thin, but she’s a high profile, beautiful actress, and I firmly believe designers would dress her beautifully given a chance. She just loves formalwear that pushes her tits way too high, and way too close together. And when she goes casual, as with the dress with the glasses (three sizes too small) or the green monstrosity, her taste is TERRIBLE – AND she still pushes them higher or squashes them pancakier than anyone ever should. Also, I can NEVER forgive the wig in that green dress photo. WHYYYYYY?!?

      In other news, that purple dress makes Diane Kruger look like she’s 3 feet tall. Eeeek. I usually love her clothes, but when they are bad, they are horrid.

  13. Lynne

    Definitely the toughest bracket.

    I found it hard voting for Kerry Washington vs Diane Kruger mainly because I feel like their spectacular choices make up for their truly terrible ones. I love that we never see the boring old spangly mermaid dress with over the shoulder hair with them.

    The desperation in the Klum / White matchup is flat out depressing.

    • hope

      I also don’t know how Kerry made it into fug madness, her offending outfits are still interesting, colourful, unique, and she is someone who can pull off so much. She is a best dressed for me could never vote her fugly based on fashion body of work

  14. Art Eclectic

    I continue to love and defend that purple gown on Diane Kruger, popular opinion be damned. I want to wear it out on the lanai for cocktails with Blanche. I hope someone is bringing cheesecake.

  15. Beth C.

    This has been the hardest bracket yet. All of them were almost toss ups for me.

  16. la di da

    Oh man, the Heidi vs Jessica White was hard. But I had to go with Heidi because her relationship with her boobs reminds me of Tommy Boy and the hamster – she loves them so much she wants to squish them until they are dead.

    • Annie S.


      • Edith

        Bwa Ha Ha!

        On so many of her dresses, I imagined what they would look like with different necklines and less egregious slits, and it almost hurts because she’s SO BEAUTIFUL. That turquoise dress? She looks amazing, except for the desperate cleavage / slit combo. And bras are a good thing – she should get clothes that allow her to experience the wonder for herself.

  17. hillary l.

    Now I really want to read “Empress of the Smoke Crown.”

  18. Verlaine

    I voted for Christina Hendricks, because at least Seyfried’s dresses are the right size, and it enrages me that Hendricks still can’t get a proper stylist after being a Big Deal for THIS MANY YEARS. Get it together, woman!

  19. Meri

    For some reason, this bracket was full of tough choices for me. I went for Heidi (because she should not be nearly as insecure as her choices make her seem), Kerry (Diane’s hits cancel out her misses for me- plus, I actually like the purple dress and the retro jumpsuit), Jessica (REALLY tough one, but that grey dress swayed me) and Christina (because she’s so beautiful and yet so consistently bad.)

    • pantsonfire

      Me, too! All the same picks! For me, the Biel choice wasn’t so tough because I am so completely irked at the palpable effort she makes for edgy, avant garde, high fashion, when it just feels antithetical to her being or whatever. It comes across as inauthentic and oddly insecure (and silly), when she has no reason to be insecure and can look absolutely lights out when she goes with what is right for her.

  20. Erin

    Ooh, tough bracket. I think Kerry and Diane are both really interesting dressers, even when they fail, so I was bummed to see them in here…I hope they go out early (as I know they will!)

  21. Miriam

    Klum and White were Fug twins for me. I finally broke the tie based on seeing White’s black undies in that blue dress.

  22. Bella

    Tough match, here. But in the end, Klum, Biel and Hendricks should know better. I would think they have stylists drooling over the chance to dress them well. Maybe not?

  23. Nicole

    I am already feeling the Fugtigue. This is a grueling bracket this year

  24. maryse

    i like what diane kruger has on a lot. i never like what kerry washington wears. rashida jones looks like she shops at “Fashion Bug” before every major event. heidi should know better. she’s a judge of taste. auf wiedersehens people for having no taste. maybe nina and tim should plan an intervention. finally christina just makes me sad.

  25. Jackie

    Oh, I feel sooo bad voting for Christina Hendricks, but I just had to. Though I think it’s all a tad unfair, because you must admit that she has a much harder figure to dress than most Hollywood starlets and in general she does a pretty good job. I actually love that first dress she’s wearing in terms of the cut–lose the scarf thingie and perhaps the print (which is gorgeous, but not in that context), and you have a pretty stunning gown that is flattering to her figure. But she also is a movie star, and there’s no reason for some of these ill-fitting dresses she’s wearing. And frankly I saw nothing wrong with Amanda Seyfried’s first two looks. I would totally wear that purple dress (although I’d probably pick a different belt).

    • Edith

      The thing is, her figure ISN’T that hard to dress. Lots and lots and lots of us have large chests, and we holster them appropriately, and wear necklines that flatter them, and bras that support them but (and this is key) not bras that push them up until they are level with our armpits, forming perfect cantaloupe half-spheres, squished together until our cleavage resembles an ass. Bra shopping is half the battle, especially because SO MANY BRAS are designed to augment and hyper-lift and fuse your breasts to create cleavage, but when you’re busty you must avoid them or look like a cartoon. Christina opts for cartoon, every time.

  26. TonyG

    I went with Heidi, Diane, Jessica and Christina

    Heidi Klum won only because she is more famous. Jessica White’s fuggery was equally bad.

    Diane Kruger’s risks failed miserably this year. Plus, I really did love some of Kerry Washington’s stuff (for example, that yellow dress really worked for me)

    The thing about Jessica Biel is that everything fits her so very well. She could be wowing us almost every time (indeed, I did really like some of her bridal tour outfits). But…I could not forgive her for wearing the see-through holey pants theme TWICE with that long-tailed jacket.

    I almost picked Amanda over Christina, because you know she gets stuff from designers whereas I read somewhere (perhaps here on GFY) that Christina Hendricks does not get offered much from designers. If true, I empathize with Christina for it must be difficult to find stuff that both fits and looks good for every thing you must show up for. Still, you know she has money and there are tailors and she just needs to not give up…Don’t give up Christina!

    • Edith

      If she’s not getting stuff from designers, she needs a different stylist, someone with some pull.

  27. Anna

    Kruger vs Washington was tough because I think both are very interesting fashion-wise and they even make some of their fugs work. But Diane really pulls stuff off that no other human can, so I went with Kerry.
    I find that Biel tries too hard and never manages to be interesting.
    Hendricks is just… I can’t even.

  28. Margaret

    I think Diane’s purple gown looks like boho-Vegas. A weird combo.

    Also, I sort of feel bad for Christina H. She looks so good on mad men and once I read an interview of hers where she said she looks best in structured outfits. But she doesn’t dress that way! I wonder if she feels she has to dress the opposite of mad men so she won’t get stuck in that role/era forever.

  29. Sarah C

    Man, it cut me deep to vote for Christina Hendricks. I have ginormous boobs myself and I can tell ya, it makes clothes shopping a nightmare, particularly for dresses. They’re either far too small across the chest, or if you go up a size or two, they hang like maternity wear everywhere else. Stretchy fabrics help a lot, but that’s not usually an option for formal wear.

    It’s probably hard for her to have her wardrobe constantly compared to Joan’s, which I imagine is custom made to fit her. In real life, she’s stuck with what’s already out there. With all that said, the woman is just making baaaaad choices.

    • Edith

      Oh, no, she’s not stuck with what’s out there. Seriously, Clinton and Stacy and Tim Gunn are all right – get stuff altered. I finally started doing this, and it’s so much cheaper than I somehow imagined it would be. I buy stuff to fit my chest, and then have it taken in down the sides. I do this with every dress I buy; I figure the price of that alteration in when I buy it. Seriously, Sarah, I KNOW your pain, and alteration is the cure. And Christina Hendricks can absolutely afford alterations.

  30. Jehn

    See the third photo? Of Jessica White? I’m pretty sure that is VERY nsfw.

  31. agcons

    Both Klum and White need to put everything away once in a while. White’s maroon dress could have been fabulous with less BewbSkwish™.

    I get a strong Diahann Carrol vibe from Washington in her yellow dress. Too bad the adjustments weren’t made, because it could have been truly stunning. Kruger wins it just for that pink lace skirt over black gym shorts.

    I cannot remember Biel ever looking good.

    The multiple failures of Christina Hendricks is a mystery to me. With that face, hair, and va-va-VOOM figure she should be knocking everyone out in a good way.

  32. Sylvia

    By far the toughest choices I’ve made. I went White, Kruger, Jones and Hendricks.

    I closed my eyes and picked White. I have no solid reasoning, I just wanted to. That matchup was my Sophie’s Choice.

    Kruger’s misses were far worse that Washington’s for me. I’d wear a few of Kerry’s misses actually, with a tweak or two (like the blue dress, minus the pattern over my area).

    I voted for Rashida solely for that jumpsuit. I too have been waiting for you to post it. It’s a shame, because of those two, Rashida is the one I like (she had me at Chappelle Show).

    I just. maybe Fug Madness will help Christina. I need to tell myself this to justify voting for her. So pretty, such ill-fitting clothing.

  33. witjunkie

    I’m with everyone that this was the toughest section yet. I’m thinking of flipping a coin for Klum/White and Kruger/Washington. They all have “Wellll, I guess it’s not THAT bad…” and “Oh, dear god” in seemingly equal parts.

  34. Vida

    In the first picture of Amanda she is not wearing Gucci, it’s Givenchy

  35. Franziska

    This wasn’t difficult at all for me. Klum, Kruger, Biel and Hendricks. All women who have the figure and means to dress better. Heidi Klum and any other former model dressing bad doesn’t surprise me, I think because for years they’ve been told what to wear they lose the ability to see what suits them and what doesn’t.