The first game is in three hours, and Justin Bieber — everyone’s favorite to win this sucker — has SHOCKED THE WORLD by being ELIMINATED in decisive style. He was symbolically pantsed by the Queen of Preen, Lady Gaga, receiving only ONE percent of the vote. This can be considered one massive “Aye” vote in the worldwide referendum on his pants, and so we hereby heartily endorse everybody wearing diaper-leggings for the next calendar year. Think of all the room for snack storage; you won’t need to carry a purse. The handbag industry is officially ON NOTICE.
… Yeah, okay, that’s all I had in the April Fool’s Day tank, and admittedly it was pretty lame. I know I didn’t actually trick ANY of you, since most of you out there probably thought, “Wait, I KNOW I wasn’t the only one who voted for Bieber…” Rest assured, Fug Nation, Justin is still in the contest, and diaper-leggings are still putrid. They’re not pants; they’re PERILOUS. Happy April 1.
Here’s who’s playing today and tomorrow — yes, including the Bieb — and how they got there:
(1) RITA ORA vs. (10) ZOSIA MAMET- Today
Rita Ora got a real test from Jessie J, but in the end, most of you decided you had a soft spot for Jessie, and so Rita advances with 55 percent of the votes being cast in her favor. Zosia is the last of the Girls still standing, sweeping past the Sev with 68 percent of the vote.
(1) JUSTIN BIEBER vs. (6) LINDSAY LOHAN – Tuesday
I thought both these two would have a tougher time in the Sweet Sixteen, but y’all REALLY are not Beliebers — or, maybe you are, but just in the power of his poor taste. Justin scored a whopping 87 percent of the vote against Lady Gaga — his victories have been decisive throughout — and Lindsay Lohan stomped on Lena Dunham’s rookie campaign with 76 percent of the vote.
(1) RIHANNA vs. (2) HEIDI KLUM – Today
Charo is the first of two brackets to make it here with both top seeds alive. Heidi beat back Christina Hendricks, but just barely, with 54 percent of the vote. Rihanna had a much easier time with Elle Fanning — 77 percent of you voted her through to the Elite Eight, to face off against another frequently nude-adjacent person.
(1) KRISTEN STEWART vs. (2) KIM KARDASHIAN
This very nearly was Ke$ha. She and K.Stew crept around each other the entire time, sneaking ahead then falling behind, but when the polls closed it was Kristen Stewart who edged ahead, 50 percent to 49 percent (our polling software rounds down ALL tenths, so the results always add up to 99, which… is weird, but it’s free, so whatever). K.Stew will take on a less grubby but equally poorly dressed contender in Kim Kardashian, who obliterated Carly Rae Jepsen with 82 percent of the vote. Y’all have one hell of a choice to make between these two schmucks.