Fug Madness 2012, Round Two: Cher Bracket, Part II



In case you missed the memo, Tyra went to business school. It’s why she showed up to ring the Stock Exchange bell in a romper (well, it explains the former, anyway, if not the latter), and it’s why she scurried around town wearing a lot of neckties this past year.

Neckties, and suspenders. I will say this for Tyra: She is always gung-ho for a theme. Not only did she WEAR the fictional “Smize” from her debut novel while promoting said novel – along with, yes, a necktie – but she also wore a jumpsuit that basically had Smizebrows. Although lest you think that Modelland and Harvard totally erased her jumpsuitian proclivities, she did also don another jumpsuit that looks like the flavors in a weird promotional box of Popsicles that just went on clearance because nobody wants to know what turquoise tastes like (my theory: salt and sand).

But beyond that, she was a dog with a bone again while on the Modelland promotional circuit:

And then again:

And then a third time on Jimmy Kimmel (although at least that time she left the trousers at home). It’s not offensive, it’s just WEIRD. Having read the book, I can tell you that I have no idea why repetitive multi-colored tank tops and ill-fitting black pants would have to be her uniform, but then again, I freely admit I had no idea what was even happening 70 percent of the time. It’s always odd to me when a celeb’s chosen item to wear over and over and over again — a refreshingly normal thing to do — also happens, like these pants, to be sort of unflattering on them.

This is basically the jumpsuit version of those pants. The seams and the cummerbund do not help, although I will say that I looked at this photo and went, “MAN, that lady has some tiny ankles,” so I suppose there’s that. Jimmy seems terrified, though. Maybe he also read the book.

Speaking of terrifying, Vanessa was also a dog with a bone this year with her theme, that being, “Pants that make us want to die.”

This outfit, which is sort of like Madonna for Jessica McClintock, is but one of her many pantalunacies this year. Who could forget THE WORST PANTS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. With these as the possible runner-up, which themselves may be tied with these. It’s amazing to think that the time we scolded her for going without pants – or wore trouser socks without the trousers – we didn’t know how good we had it.

This was also a tragedy. Look, I know she’s just out getting coffee. But here is my counterpoint to that: 1) I frequently run out on errands, and I have never taken the time to accessorize a tank dress with clogs and a metallic demi-Smize and a fringed bathrobe that Great Aunt Sylvia used to wear when the pool boy came to flush her gutters; 2) of all the coffee shops in this metropolis, and all the beachy vacation destinations, and all the nail salons, the paparazzi always magically happen to be waiting for her outside the correct ones, and while that doesn’t mean it’s her doing, it DOES mean that either way, this girl knows the photos will be taken; and 3) SHE BOUGHT THAT STUFF. It’s not like you and I throwing on sweatpants and an old t-shirt to go on a Diet Coke run. She WENT OUT AND ACQUIRED those lace pants and then brought them home and then cut off the tags and then put them on and then wore them. Stern rebukes must ensue.

But let’s just see what she does when the carpet is red. This wasn’t goodThis wanted to be good, but didn’t fit.

This would’ve had a shot, if it had a real skirt.

Ditto. So basically, this girl has real issues with her Southern hemisphere. Well, start at the bottom, kid, and work your way up.

Just don’t SKIP the top. You’ve got problems there, too.

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I don’t think Rooney got much down time last year. Whenever new pictures rolled in from her junkets, all I could think about was that I hoped the studio used the air miles to buy her a week at a spa. And at every single event, she was FULLY kitted out — the two pairs of pants she wore in this slideshow were about as chill as she got, and I’m impressed she was even awake by the time the Oscars came.

Unfortunately, we can’t blame fatigue for this, as it was one of the first things she wore on the circuit. It looks like one of those scenes in a rom-com where the heroine tries on her mother’s beloved wedding dress, celebrates that she can zip it up, and then rips it while in the act of throwing up her arms and celebrating the victory (see also: Steve Martin in Father of the Bride; etc.).

Nor can we blame fatigue for this, which reminds me of an unsnapped jumpsuit crossed with mosquito netting. It makes me think of what CB2 might make if it started doing clothes: self-consciously mod with impractical twists, and ultimately, probably not that comfortable, especially for the price.

Nor can we blame fatigue for this hairy, see-through nonsense she wore in September to Rodarte, although it did yield this photo I will forever treasure.

Anna is unflappable. Yes, she has the aid of sunglasses, but if you have no poker face then even shades won’t help you.

We can start to blame fatigue for her walking around in a giant sports bra, and for not considering the fate of her nethers. Also, clearly I need to write a bodice-ripper called The Fate of Her Nethers. Is someone keeping a list? Between bands I need to start and trashy novels I need to write, I’ve got a lot on my plate.

We can, however, fully blame fatigue for her allowing someone to turn her chest into a very flirtatious, heavy-lidded, and therefore slightly tipsy preying mantis. I don’t know — I just feel like, with most of what she wears, all I can see is the effort and none of the joy.

Compared to Rooney, Heidi Klum, I have learned, leads a very low-key life. Well, as low as it can be when she’s a supermodel with her own TV shows and a high-profile divorce, but you feel me. She does a lot of shlubbing around town. And considering that some of that shlubbing includes trips to the pumpkin patch where she has an assistant touch up  her makeup before being photographed, I think that Heidi — like V.Hudge before her — is not often caught unawares by the paparazzi. The difference is, Vanessa — as evidenced in the previous matchup — almost looks too carefully crazy NOT to care, whereas Heidi really does just seem to chill, in things like coveralls, and more coveralls, and then these:

Yes, those are pants. And yes, every time she moved — if the paps are to be believed, she wore those for a LONG stretch of hours, all over L.A. — it looked like she was twirling a giant denim train, and yes, somewhere, a rodeo dancer of some ilk just convulsed in envy. But my questions is, can it be possible that they’re hideous COMFY? Because yeah, baggy is nice, and all, but denim isn’t light. And carrying that much extra fabric… well, maybe that’s one of her many secrets to awesome leg muscles.

Even red-carpet ware is occasionally very relaxed.

There is a very thin line between relaxed and a sack, though, and she is treading it very finely here. There is also a thin line between trendy and ugly, and with this, she waltzed over that line until she was so cold her chest started speaking Morse code.

On the other end of the spectrum was this:

It came with a free bottle of body wash.

And this comes with a free peek, I’m afraid. Here’s hoping she kept ‘em crossed getting in and out of the car. Do you ever wonder if some of the Project Runway designers she critiques want to walk up to her with a binder of photos and say, “OH REALLY?!?!?” Then again, if that happened to me they would ALSO have a point, so I shall zip it and turn things over to you.

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Comments (46):

  1. Bella

    Call me crazy, but I mostly liked what Rooney wore. She looked different and took chances. Heidi, OTOH, was usually a total fug (and she should know better.)

    • Katharine

      If you’re crazy, then I’m crazy with you. I loved most of Rooney’s clothes. (The Oscar dress didn’t fit, but if it had, it would have been another win in my books.)

      • Stella

        Count me in as digging Rooney’s look. She’s edgy and different, but she always looks put together and ….classy? Is that crazy? H.Klum seems to think that since she’s a supermodel, she can just throw whatever onto her body – too big, too tight, too shiny, no problem.

      • Edith

        Me three. If the Oscar dress had been fitted properly, it would’ve been perfect for her. Yes, the black & white gets old after a while, but she goes for REALLY INTERESTING black & white. She definitely has her own style.

        In the other matchup, I had to give it to Vanessa, but Tyra needs to study her body in a mirror and find the clothes and poses that work WITH it. God knows she’s beautiful, but that doesn’t mean those pants are a good ida.

      • Louise

        Me four! She has great style.

      • Holly

        I liked Rooney this year, too. She was working with what she had: a bizarre haircut. I really liked the Oscars dress, ill-fitting as it was.

    • Cassie

      I loved almost everything Rooney wore on her press circuit. I love the unusual approach to personal style she takes, and I think it should be celebrated.

      Heidi, on the other hand? Tack-o-rama.

    • Amanda

      Ok Ladies, how have you not noted that in every single picture Rooney Mara is clutching her hands in a mannered “i’m nervous” way. It’s freaky, same pose different dress.

  2. labyrinthine

    Tyra’s outfit in that Kimmel shot makes her look like Peg Bundy.

  3. Breenah

    I had to vote for Heidi & Tyra because they both host shows BASED on fashion.

    • Christian

      Exactly. There is no excuse.

      • Amy

        I could not agree more! They Anna Wintour picture was priceless-there should be a haiku or some other contest for it! Taylor Swift in a sister-wife dress….

    • Ann

      Same here. Their JOB is fashion. And they totally screwed it up.

  4. Sandra

    Hudgens is much, much worse than Banks. Miss Tyra may have brought the crazy, but at least she looks clean and properly tailored. Vanessa just looks trashy.

    Mara v. Klum is a closer call. Rooney wore some truly cracktacular outfits but Heidi went out dressed like a depressed auto mechanic who lost a lot of weight but couldn’t afford new coveralls. To me, that is just that tiny bit worse.

    • Eliza Bennett

      “Heidi went out dressed like a depressed auto mechanic who lost a lot of weight but couldn’t afford new coveralls.” HAHAHAHA yes.

  5. Erocka

    I thought Tyra’s crazy would reign supreme! There goes my Cher Bracket!!

  6. liz_bee

    Heidi sells it, always. Rooney sells it, never.

    • Jules

      Agreed; Heidi isn’t dressing like she gives a damn, either, while Rooney is putting a lot of effort into looking bad.

  7. cc

    That Tyra never met a fedora she didn’t like.

  8. Riley

    Good lord, The Hudge may be unstoppable this year on the strength of Those Pants alone!

    My *only* regret is that she’s probably going to have to face Kourtney Kardashian to get to the finals – DON’T MAKE ME CHOOOOSE

  9. Sylvia

    I don’t know if Hudgens can be stopped. The Fug is strong with that one. Those pants and Jessica White’s jumpsuit make me call upon higher powers. I can’t unsee them.

    Mara/Klum is close, but I voted for Heidi. Honestly, I do think Rooney is trying most of the time. Besides, how can you let those coveralls and jeans die in the second round? My god, those “jeans.”

  10. The Other Molly

    I can’t believe Tyra is not winning.
    I also can’t believe she has anything to do with a show about fashion.
    Yee Gods.

  11. Donna

    I’m very confused by the piece of tape across Tara’s boobs in both the tank top shots. What is that?

  12. cathy

    im as perplexed as you are, donna. i mean, wtf? it’s not cute, pretty OR flattering. why? she wore it on ANTM too, i noticed… maybe she just wants us to miss her jumpsuits

  13. jen310

    Both Tyra and Rooney suffer from repetitive fug – they wore the same fug over and over and over again and that is not going to win the game. Tyra’s was more basic than Rooney’s but Rooney gets fug points for being edgy with her fug. Compared to Heidi and especially Vanessa, their fug was way weak. Vanessa’s freakishly fug pants are going to take her far. Heidi even brought some welcome defense to her game.

  14. vinniepop

    Re: Heather’s query if anyone was keeping a list of her faux bands; here’s a by-no-means-exhaustive rundown of some of the bands who have headlined at the GFY Indie Music Fest & Cover Band Kegger in the past year:
    Minimal Cleav
    Wonky Proportionality
    Nipples Akimbo
    Nipple Napkin
    Life Lemons
    Clunky Taco Shoes
    External Glitter Thong
    Crotch Proscenium
    The Billowing Cape
    Bum Ruffle (aka Bum Rufl)
    Wacky Pants
    Madonna Synthesizer
    Sheer Lace Bag
    Sassy Fringe
    Paisley Jumpsuit
    Apocalyptic Sleeve Brochure

    • Edith

      I would think you made those up (and very well) based on your familarity with the site, but I totally remember Wonky Proportionality and Nipples Akimbo.

      • A.

        I remember Crotch Proscenium and Bum Ruffle! (Wow, what a sentence.) Thanks for the rundown, I didn’t stop laughing for about five minutes at the idea of a band called Nipples Akimbo :-D I would buy The Fate of Her Nethers just to have it on my bookshelf, so somebody please make that happen!

    • Anne B

      Let us not forget Pleathered Vagine (coined by a Fug Friday winner some months ago).

      I’d say that one is a featured act.

  15. Aria

    Vinniepop, you rock! My fave has always been Nipples Akimbo, but some of the others are pretty darn good too.

  16. mary lou bethune

    Rooney is lovely and talented. Heidi is lovely of course but she is obsessed with getting attention – she generally looks badly put together. At least R takes chances. I think she has the potential to be the next SWINTON!

  17. giggleswick

    I voted Hudgens because, well, pantalunacy. Although I don’t hate most of what Rooney Mara wears, I voted fug for her continual delicate flower twee finger holding. It’s driving me batty. Find something else to do with your hands!

    • Shannon

      Oh, thank God! I thought I was the only one who was completely baffled by the continuous finger-holding going on with Rooney. Granted, I hate the “hand on jutted-out hip, watch out for my elbow of death” pose that’s so pervasize now, but the constant finger-fiddling going on with La Rooney is so distracting. Just stop it! You look like a three year-old who is deciding if she needs to go potty!

  18. vandalfan

    Tyra makes it work. Vanessa does not, though she tries, Lord does she try.It’s not even close. On with the teen!

    Klum had her moments, but with her and Tyra, I think it’s the rarefied air of Haute Coture that is to blame. Mara (like Kstew) just strikes me as a entitled snot with no originality, just obedience to her handlers.

  19. Chaiaiai

    sliiiiightly off topic, i caught a second of antm last night. is ty-ty now inserting “my haaaavard business degree” into every episode? harvard should be kicking itself for allowing her in, even to that cut-rate program.

    ot, vanessa hudgens….my vote is a SANCTION. you are pretty and proportional. get with it.

  20. CJ

    On the merits of clothing only, I gave the fug to Heidi, but she got extra fugly points because I think she choses more of her clothes. The Rooney Mara rollout seemed SOOO very carefully orchestrated, I have a hard time believing she chose anything she wore.

  21. CJ


  22. Kara

    I kind of hate Tyra Banks. I think she’s really, really arrogant. ANTM was fun for a while, but I broke up with it a while ago when I just got sick of Tyra’s shit. Vanessa looks worse, in my opinion, but I just wanted to throw out there that I kind of hate Tyra Banks. Also, Tyra is another one who needs a damn tailor.

    Heidi vs. Rooney is no question. Heidi wore a gas station attendant coverall outside. She is a SUPERMODEL. I mean, come on. Rooney wore some weird stuff, but it was kind of avant-garde, high fashion weird. And I thought the Oscar dress was pretty, although it wasn’t the right dress for her – it didn’t fit, for one, and it kind of swallowed her up and made her look stumpy.

  23. Lindy

    Tyra wore the boob strap thing on the last epi of ANTM, too.

  24. Anne B

    Tyra, please step forward.

    I am only holding ONE. Fug. In my hands. And it. Is not yours.


  25. Amanda6

    Sheesh, I am just voting against everyone today. My picks were Tyra, Heidi, and Christina. Has my fug filter gone awry?

  26. Jill

    I love Roomey’s Oscar dress. Am I the only one??! I also like her edgy style. How is she beating Heidi Klum?!??!

  27. Girlin

    V Hudge and Rooney Mara…..VH for the complete pantalunacy – it’s like she is trying to be the new Sienna Miller….but Sienna actually made a look work for her and then got credit for it…Vanessa just is failing with her attempts to have ‘her own style’. FUG!
    Rooney…I think she wore a lot of ill fitting dresses and her expression and hairstyle never changed enough for me to notice. Boring Fug.

  28. Poppy

    Jill, you’re not the only one. I kind of cherish the vampire-pixie thing she’s got going on. They need to make a film where she’s the older sister of that awesome kid, Chloe Moretz (of Let Me In and Kick Ass).

  29. Molly

    Y’know, with the way she is styling her hair, Tyra and Katy Perry look a lot a like.

  30. Sajorina

    Hudgens FYW!!! Also, voted for Klum! All these FUG is overwhelming!