Fug Madness 2012, Round Two: Charo Bracket, Part I


 

(1) JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. (9) KATIE HOLMES 

So, in researching this post, I realized something quite remarkable: Jessica Chastain’s ENTIRE four-page archive on our site is from this eligibility year. It’s hard to top her in volume, so Katie’s going to have to do it with quality instead of quantity. Perhaps it will suffice for you that Katie wore this black satin jumpsuit in October, and then thought, “You know what? A lace curtain is what’s going to make it sing.”

It did not. It made it STING. And now Sting is probably going to get mad at me for dragging him into this debacle even indirectly.

The rest of the year, Katie was something of a drabutante:

It’s… eh. It looks like it cost ten dollars. Which is actually okay in some contexts — although, better to cost ten dollars but look like at least twenty — except that she’s at an event supporting a project in which she played Jackie Kennedy. A maligned project that got exiled to Reelz, sure, but you’d think she’d have amped it up a little.

Let’s just do it. Are you ready? Okay: Hi, Katie Homeless.

And this just doesn’t sit right. Or perhaps fit right. Both. That top shouldn’t have been allowed anywhere near her chest.

Chastain took bigger risks, for sure, but she also seemed to veer in perplexing directions, bedeviled by fit issues and weird color choices – I mean, when blue was available, why choose peach? – and drab silhouettes.

Or drab everything else. If she and the statue had traded outfits we’d be in a better place, and yes, I’m talking about something that is essentially a gold band and some glass.

Also, she, like Katie, ran afoul of her chest at times. Often, she pancakes them; other times, she constricts them:

Ouch, and also, that eyeliner is too much. Even Kate Middleton, I think, eventually realized she needed to back off the Sharpie. Hell, even Taylor Momsen has been having second thoughts.

Here, and with that terrible makeup, she looks — erroneously — like a cross between January Jones and Christina Hendricks. Christuary Jondricks. Sounds like a pharmaceutical company that makes lozenges. But seriously, explain to me how they can look that replete here, and so invisible in this dress. The answer: bad choices.

Actually, her chest looks commendably perky here, but the nipples are an unfortunate side effect, and the pin looks like a mood ring had sex with a spider.

… Hmm. Chaplin aficionado? Nudist mime?

We didn’t even have the following dress in our archive, because when the Met Ball happened last May, we hadn’t ever heard of her. We did not know what a Jessica Chastain was. Can you imagine? It wasn’t even a year ago.

I think she got away with one.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Jessica Chastain (41%, 3,661 Votes)
  • Katie Holmes (59%, 5,287 Votes)

Total Voters: 8,928

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(4) FERGIE vs. (12) THOMAS JANE

When people ask if I enjoy my job of writing about people’s outfits day in and day out, I think of times like these, and say YES:

It was my unequivocal and wholehearted pleasure, nay HONOR, to be among those who showed these shoes to the world. Because that is HILARIOUS. We know by now this man’s stories history of wearing no shoes at all, so obviously, he should go the other direction and pull out gags like this more often. I dream of a world in which Thomas Jane becomes the foot version of Lee Corso on ESPN — Lee announces his weekly Gameday pick by donning the mascot head of the team he thinks will win, whereas Thomas should start going to parties wearing randomly selected mascot feet. PLEASE.

Maybe Thomas’s bird feet can pair up with Fergie’s avian shoulders. Then they can get married and produce a child who straps wings to its chest and gets beaky lip injections at an obscenely early age, and together, they will equal one feathered creature.

But let’s see how Thomas does when he’s not webbing his own feet, nor inexplicably barefoot, nor inexplicably barefoot in a matchy denim ensemble. How does he fare? Can the gentleman clean up right, as they say?

Ehhhh…

The man really digs his chest hair.

This doesn’t quite fit, does it? Or does it? To me there’s something slightly off about it, like he’s a hat and a blackened tooth away from being a vaudeville tramp.

At least when he has shoes on, I can ENJOY the rest of it. It’s much easier to laugh when there isn’t the prospect of fungus.

It is incredibly easy to laugh at this:

Jessica noted the first time around that Fergie here is totally somebody’s mother’s Cousin Denise, whose wedding was the envy of everyone in 1987 but does not stand the test of time. It reminds me of how when I was a little girl, I thought Princess Diana’s dress was just the most gorgeous gown in the entire universe, and now when I look back, it’s like, “Oh, wow. Meringue City.”

For a second, when we originally put up this outfit, I thought this was Drunkface McCord, and I thought, “Where did she get the budget for such an elaborate portable sex swing?” Mystery solved. Sort of.

In fact, Fergie loves a mystery. We call this The Case Of The Why Bother Hiding The Rest Of It. The sequel is called The “Pants WHAT?” Episode (if you can bear to revisit,or scroll past, my weepy musings about my Dad — fair warning).

And this is ripped from the pages of Scales of Justice, about a fish-human army that comes to Earth to put people in terrariums with only powdered food, and see how they like it. This person is also in that book. We’ll call her Lisbeth Salamander, and we will wonder which side she’s on until it becomes obvious that nobody in those clothes could possibly be in SUPPORT of humanity as we know it.

Whose fug reigns supreme?

  • Fergie (79%, 7,059 Votes)
  • Thomas Jane (21%, 1,844 Votes)

Total Voters: 8,885

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Comments (37):

  1. Electric Landlady
    0

    Oh, wow. These are HARD! All four are such worthy contenders!

  2. Pam
    0

    Christuary Jondricks – so funny it’s scary.

  3. lala
    0

    fergie ferg is the textbook definition of fugly! expensive, tacky, ill-fitting and defended as fashion.

  4. Christian
    0

    You can almost taste Fergie’s desparation.

  5. LGenz
    0

    Voted Katie, Jessica is usually thissss close but Katie misses entirely.

    I can’t tell if Fergie is dressing for attention or really thinks she looks good. I can’t imagine someone with eyes thinking 80s wedding dresses have come back into fashion.

  6. currygirl
    0

    As long as that picture of Katie Holmes with the boyfriend jeans exists, I will continue voting for her. Those jeans are priceless!

  7. Darren
    0

    Chastain went from nowhere to everywhere in six months so it is somewhat understandable that she would be unused to formalwear.

    Fergie is a mess.

  8. jen310
    0

    Everything Fugie wore during the competition period was heinous. She crushes Jane’s weak attempts with ease. She has a decent body so why not drape it stylishly rather than with such incredible fugness. Her face – why would she tighten her face and forget about her neck. That really bothers me; especially in one so young.
    Chastain vs. Holmes was difficult. Katie never gets it right but this was Chastain’s coming out season – her Debutante Ball in acting, if you will, and she flubbed it repeatedly. She ended her season on a high note with that gorgeous Oscar gown but pretty much let everyone down to the run up. She’s new to the scene so advancing in Fug Madness may be the wake-up call she needs to never let this happen again.

  9. Lynne
    0

    Damn. Really tough choices. Also, take a look at Thomas Jane’s bird feet again. Is it just me or are they actually connected by that white cord-like thing? Like when your mom makes you try on sneakers at KMart when you’re 9 and they’re hooked together with that plastic tie. How? What? I don’t understand.

    • vandalfan
      0

      (I once saw a kid trying to walk in those yoked shoes!)

      I believe they are thick, untied shoelaces, and I thought he was wearing Saguaro cacti.

  10. Softwear
    0

    Jessica based on the orange-y floral one without eyebrows alone.

    Jane. I, uh….think, um, that….Fergie looks nice DON’T JUDGE ME I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR 80S WEDDING DRESSES AND EYELINER!!

    Does anyone know if “A Dangerous Method” is good?

    • neiges
      0

      I loved it and it made me realize the awesomeness of Keira Knightley as an actress. And Mortensen as sexy Freud, oh my oh my don’t get me started on that. But I am not english, aussie or american so I can’t really tell if her russian accent was spot on or ridiculous (there’s no in-between in that).

  11. erin
    0

    Christuary Jondricks made me seriously LOL!

    Thomas is so skanky (yes, men can be skanky) I can’t vote for him because I just want him off the boards so I don’t have to look at him anymore.

  12. TonyG
    0

    Jessica should not lose to Katie.

    Alas, I am so out of sync with Fug Nation this year. Y’all are making me doubt my fugdar.

    :(

  13. vandalfan
    0

    Holmes V. Chestain? Meh vs. Whaco, Jessica got my vote mostly for her hair.

    At least Fuggie tries, unlike Jane. He just sported several bad outfits. On she goes!

  14. Stripes
    0

    I go back to the fact that Holmes thinks she is a designer. She wants people to copy her look, which – according to the bible – would be a sin against both god and man. Chastain is just happy to be invited.

  15. Willow
    0

    Katie Holmes for that first outfit alone. JUST NO.

    Then Fergie because she needs to learn,

  16. Anne B
    0

    Katie Holmes deserves to go as far as she can in Fug Madness, and not only for her clothing choices. She was in “Jack & Jill”, which Fugged the hell out of every theater that had the bad luck to screen it last year.

    While part of me is sorry T-Jane won’t make it any further, another part of me is happy about this. This part of me remembers Serge in “Beverly Hills Cop”, commenting on another man’s chest hair: “That’s not sexy, it’s animal.”

    Take note, T-Jane: not sexy.

  17. cate
    0

    love katie holmes – she would be great in a designer kaftan http://www.bluemojito.co.uk

  18. Amy
    0

    The majority of our contestants have beautiful faces and lovely figures, so they are all on equal footing there. As you pointed out, Jessica Chastain has just begun making the scene this year and is new to the game. Katie Holmes is married to Tom freakin’ Cruise and probably has the wardrobe budget of a small NATION! She should look like a goddess every time she leaves the house!

  19. Sandra
    0

    Fergie is hilariously badly dressed. I didn’t vote for Jane in the last round and he’s completely out of his league here. Jessica over Katie because she was just every damn where looking like the fashion version of MadLibs.

  20. Ariel
    0

    Why Thomas Jane doesn’t wear shoes (according to him):

    “I don’t wear shoes because I am hoping to raise a little bit of awareness of the homeless in America, especially children. I came to Hollywood when I was 17 years old. I turned 17 in India. I turned 18 in San Francisco. I turned 19 in Los Angeles, where I’ve been ever since. I spent a lot of months homeless. There are a couple of park benches that I have slept on. I still drive past a couple of these park benches that I slept on when I was a kid.”
    “Shoes to me, feel a little bit like being in prison. I have felt that way since I was a kid. My parents used to strap me into a cradle with a pair of baby shoes that were tied together with a metal rod to try to correct my orthotic issues.”

    Observations:
    a. I doubt most people are more aware of homelessness due to his bare feet on the red carpet.
    b. How is having birthday’s in different cities related to homelessness exactly.
    c. Yikes, those are the most f’d up baby shoes I’ve ever heard of.

    Courtesy ofBetty Confidential

  21. mary lou bethune
    0

    Fergie is silly but at least she has some wit about her.. unlike that Keisha and her opponent, the nudlette.

  22. Shannon
    0

    The Homeless look and the neon orange lace whatever-that-is seal the deal every time.

  23. Dana
    0

    Boy did I really blow it one my round one in this bracket. I guess I shoulda paid more attention to Katie’s velvet onsie. I don’t know how I voted against that.

  24. Popcouver
    0

    I came to a realization whilst looking through Chastain’s photos…. there’s no denying that her fuggery has been formidable this year, but my biggest issue with her styling is her HAIR. Why is it so crispy and awkward and cowlick-y in EVERY DAMN PHOTO!? And then at the Oscars, her hairdresser suddenly knows exactly what to do? Augh. So unfortunate.

  25. Sajorina
    0

    I abstained from voting between Chastain & Holmes… I just can’t do it, I ♥ them! But, I had no problem voting for Fergie over Thomas Jane because at least I was never subjected to the sight of Thomas’ underwear on the Red Carpet! Fergie = FUG!!!

  26. Riley
    0

    HA! I had forgotten about the topless formal overalls. Fantastic.

  27. Jules
    0

    Fergie fulfills my childhood vision of what fashion would be like in 2012.
    (That doesn’t make it any less fugly to me)

  28. NYCGirl
    0

    Ah, another easy round for me. Katie Overalls and Sartorially Scary Stacy.

  29. Caro
    0

    I voted for Jessica C, because I think she’s beautiful and has so much potential, so she needs the wake-up call. I hope it will spur her on to get better stylists advising her.

    And I voted for Fergie, because I don’t know who the guy is and I think he just doesn’t care what he looks like, whereas Fergie tries so hard but has no taste. She should know better.

  30. roser
    0

    OMG, you two are bringing it this year! I almost just shot coffee through my nose. and Back off the Sharpie would make a great band name.

  31. ML
    0

    Hee. Drunkface McCord. I needed that reference this afternoon. Thanks, Fug Girls.