(2) ROONEY MARA vs. (15) BRANGELINA
Oscar nominee vs Oscar nominee!
Rooney really, really pounded the pavement for Girl With the Blunt-Cut Bangs. I mean, seriously, take a stroll through her archives. When everyone else was out Christmas shopping, she was all over the world doing this:
Say it with me: YIKES. Sure, it wasn’t ALL bad — Mara had some hits, too, and she’s definitely got a well-honed personal style, which at least means she’s THINKING about it — but when things went downhill, they rolled like an avalanche:
Are we sure that’s not Daniel Radcliffe in the midst of a detailed social experiment? And it all, of course, culminated in her Droopy Oscar Gown, which, as I said at the time, felt like the Platonic Ideal of Everything We Expect From Rooney Mara. Regardless of what happens here, I hope she has a long and illustrious career and that she looks crazy nearly the entire time.
Speaking of Platonic Ideals, as well as people whom I suspect might be somewhat crazy:
I love that picture. Every single civilian in that photo is using it as his or her Facebook profile pic right now. What I don’t love is how beige Brad is. He looks like he’s dressed to do some surveillance work leaning against the wall of a Taco Bell. Although I wish he’s turned to the dude behind him and said, “WE’RE ALMOST TWINS. Why aren’t you more monocromatic, dude?”
Snooze. Especially her. His cane adds interest, because I can imagine that he’s got a rapier secreted inside it, in case a duel breaks out.
In fairness, though, when they WEREN’T bland, they were kind of hilarious, secretly. Obviously, we’ll never forget The Leg. And this is so well coordinated, it actually makes me laugh:
I hope they got home and traded outfits, just for laughs (I must give them props for how will their respective Navy Ensemble fits). On the other hand, THIS is not bland at all, and it is definitely laughable:
I don’t know who that guy is, but he’s a scream and I want to subscribe to his newsletter. I mean, he’s just f’ing with us now, right? That hair? Those glasses? That attitude?
Don’t believe me? THIS PROVES IT:
Nothing says, “I’m just screwing with you guys” like transforming yourself into a Val Kilmer impersonator but posing in front of a GIANT PHOTOGRAPH of yourself in full-on Hot Mode. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, BRAD? Respect the hotness! It respects you! (PS: I thought you were really great in Moneyball and you kinda got robbed this year.)
(3) VANESSA HUDGENS vs. (14) LUCY HALE
And a tip of the hat to YOU, Ms Hudgens. You came to PLAY this March. To wit:
Not to mention:
(Hi, Austin Butler! You’re kind of great on Switched at Birth. Also, your poker face in the, er, face of some of your girlfriend’s ensembles is powerful.)
And, proving that she doesn’t just fug it up in her personal life:
In fact, V Hudg’s red carpet appearances were routinely on the wack side. But let’s get real. Was ANYTHING anything as wack as this was?
I. Can’t. Even.
Neither can Lucy Hale. She’s turned her back.
All the better to show us how very, very butt-crack-adjacent that dress is.
This one, on the other hand, is more about one thigh- and one shoulder-adjacent, making it basically the dress version of a two-piece KFC meal, this being the second KFC-reference I’ve made on GFY on three days. Am I just really, really hungry?
Speaking of food, this is kind of like a cupcake-liner:
And here, it’s like her feet are tied up like little boxes of candy:
Shoot. I AM hungry. While I go get a snack….
(6) MICHELLE WILLIAMS vs. (11) TYRA BANKS
I was about to say, “you’d never see THESE two in the same room,” and then I remembered that ANTM and Dawson’s Creek were on the same network and therefore hopefully they used to hang out at promo shoots, TyTy teaching Michelle how best to smize, and Michelle telling Tyra about all the good sandwich places in Wilmington. Oh, Tyra. We tease because we love. Look at how you decided to promote your YA novel, Modelland, which is…quite a book:
This was also during the period that Tyra was attending Harvard Business School, and decided this meant she needed to wear Sexy Business Wear all over the place. That was fun. Speaking of suits:
At least she looked happy?
Tyra, for her part, ALWAYS looks happy:
That vest is like the unholy union of The Gap and a straitjacket, and yet her face looks fantastic. At least she ALWAYS has her face. I once watched a whole episode of her talk show focused on someone’s fear of pickles, and another one about a girl with one really big leg, and Tyra’s face always looked great throughout.
And Michelle always has her cute hair, even when she’s wearing what one of our readers so wisely called Care Bear Couture:
HER DRESS. IS CRYING. That’s too on the nose, Michelle.
Speaking of subtlety in clothing:
They did NOT cover that at Harvard Business School.
And Marilyn Monroe School didn’t, apparently, get around to teaching Michelle that headbands are best deployed on Blair Waldorf circa 2009:
I liked that dress, but the headband makes me a little stabby. (I also enjoy that post, given that I wrote it back when we thought Michelle was the front-runner for the Oscar, before Viola took over, and Meryl then won. MADNESS!)
THE MADNESS OF VOTING:
(7) HEIDI KLUM vs. (10) SWINTON
I was about to declare this a model-off, then I remembered that SWINTON is not a model. Just a tall drink of awesome.
Happier days, although not for your thighs, girl. That union suit is friend to no woman, not even a supermodel. Also unfriendly:
Is the beige a theme? Because I’m not loving it. (In fact, Klum also sported a beige at the Globes, although I think that one was much less of a disaster.)
SWINTON also tended toward the monochrome this year. White on white:
And yet more white:
That being said, there’s something to be said for her elegance, regardless of its wackiness. For example, can you imagine her ever showing up wearing something like this?
I mean, I would die. Nor can I imagine her wearing a huge sea anemone:
Actually, maybe I CAN see that one. After all, she did go out in her bathrobe:
Sea creatures may not be entirely off the table.